tell me about your marriage if both spouses have untreated ADHD

[Anonymous]

Also, complete sidebar but the number of people on DCUM who seem to think getting on meds is like a simple electrical rewiring issue or asking for an extra shot of espresso. If it was so easy of course we would all do it. As things get more and more hectic with the realities of parenting and adulthood, it becomes harder and harder to commit the time and monetary resources to tinkering around trying to figure out what works for you, while possibly in the process completely losing your grip on time, your mind, ability to mask (so social relationships), and physical health in the process. This happened to me on a particular med, as the doc kept urging me to up the dosage bc it wasn’t working the way we thought it would. I really think he was being paid to push the stuff onto his patients and I can’t believe I trusted the advice as long as I did. It was really terrifying.

[Anonymous]

It takes 1 week, 2 weeks max to know if a stimulant is helping you focus and perform better.
If it doesn’t help, your doctor tried a different one or two.
If none of them help, you have ASD.

[Anonymous]

That’s for suspected adhd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It looks like:
-parking tickets with penalties
-filing taxes late
-last minute vacation planning
-running out of toilet paper
-being reminded to go grocery shopping
-never sending Christmas cards
-never being a bridesmaid
-knowing better than to volunteer for opportunities at kids school
-not maximizing kids educational opportunities
-underachieving at work for your educational level

+1.

All of the above but many fully believe this normal and everyone in the world functions at this same very level.

This. If it's both partners, they really might not realize (or they might be kidding themselves). I have a friend with really obvious untreated ADHD (and he's SO much fun), and he was honestly just gobsmacked to realize that some people plan vacations more than a few weeks in advance.

I have ADD and never really thought of the vacation planning as an ADD thing. I always thought it was a me thing.

Question: Do you like planning your vacations far in advance?
I mean, I do it. I have my kids enrolled in summer camps and vacations planned for June and August.
But it doesn’t feel real too me. That time is so far in the future, I can’t really wrap my head around it. So, my subjective experience of planning vacations months in advance is more like making my will or doing taxes or something like that. It’s kind of an arduous task.
It’s miles away from the joyful experience of planning something fun in the near future.

Do you feel like that? Or not?

Ha! This doesn’t quite answer your question but I feel a disproportionate amount of actual dread when I book flights and hotels and make reservations so far in advance that it’s just sort of an abstract exercise, like you describe. But if it’s something for this weekend, it’s real and exciting and I get into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It takes 1 week, 2 weeks max to know if a stimulant is helping you focus and perform better.
If it doesn’t help, your doctor tried a different one or two.
If none of them help, you have ASD.

Wow. Thank you for this, I had no idea. I wish I’d known. I wrote the text directly above yours, and my doc definitely did not do this. I felt like it wasn’t quite right really early on (probably within that first week or two) and mentioned the possibility of trying something else, but he told me to stick with it, and suggested increasing the dosage multiple times, break apart the pills, make sure I wasn’t doing tasks at night (?). From neuropsych testing to, well, the final straw, was probably about five or six months, all on the same medication.

[Anonymous]

^this was for adhd

[Anonymous]

My father did, my mom did all his executive functioning, and did the same for us kids. My mom is so used to it she likely thinks (but doesn’t say) that this is just normal, and I’m making a bigger deal out of it than necessary- because I’m a successful adult.

I’m also a woman, so when I was a girl in the 80s/90s, ADHD was boys who couldn’t sit still in class and ddi poorly on tests, I was a chatterbox, who couldn’t make friends with kids my own age, could spend hours reading, and did very well in school, but only when I liked the subject.

This is my sister and our family almost to a tee - except she has never managed to successfully “adult.” So interesting to hear others’ experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No idea, I think aspergers/ aspergers would be a good nice low key match. Still chaos, but prob live a simple introverted life or focus on work or hyper interests. Kids would probably inherit the same.

Adhd/ adhd prob all the impulsivity, hyperactivity cycles and inattentiveness. Need to sue a lot of tech crutches to stay on time or pay the bills or remember to do stuff.

Don’t have more than 1 kid.

Can you elaborate what you mean by “tech crutches”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It looks like:
-parking tickets with penalties
-filing taxes late
-last minute vacation planning
-running out of toilet paper
-being reminded to go grocery shopping
-never sending Christmas cards
-never being a bridesmaid
-knowing better than to volunteer for opportunities at kids school
-not maximizing kids educational opportunities
-underachieving at work for your educational level

+1.

All of the above but many fully believe this normal and everyone in the world functions at this same very level.

This. If it's both partners, they really might not realize (or they might be kidding themselves). I have a friend with really obvious untreated ADHD (and he's SO much fun), and he was honestly just gobsmacked to realize that some people plan vacations more than a few weeks in advance.

+1

I’m treated (fairly recently), spouse is not.

We have systems in place to avoid “ADHD tax” but unfortunately they are incompatible sometimes - I have everything on autopay and am usually always resetting my passwords for anything not saved by my computer automatically. Spouse has everything written down, but completely chaotically and can sometimes not find the notebook or even figure out what they meant or wrote down. If spouse gets a bill, they will write a check and mail it almost right away, even if it means being late for the next thing.

I had no idea not everyone lives like this.

It’s doable, but can be exhausting. But I also think I’d find it harder to live with them if I didn’t have ADHD myself.

Would you be willing to share some of the systems that help you avoid the ADHD tax? Agree that automating as much as possible, and basically removing any lag time between noticing a task and doing it (like mailing the check right away), are gamechangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a family of introverts who are actually pretty nasty and narrow minded about it.

They cannot fathom why anyone would have their kids do a sport, or decorate their house, or go on vacations, or talk during dinner.

That’s just all too much work and so unnecessary. And tell you so.
Oh and “emotions are weakness”, they told me that one too.

I have seen this, also - like a superiority complex. Also tend to believe that if someone is warm, friendly and/or has people skills, then they must be a doormat.

Yup, and refuse to join any type of community. I know someone who's DS is ASD and both refused to join any parents autism groups because "they didn't want to be one of those militant autism parents". And refused to actually, you know, raise their kids.

Maybe they feel like they’d be rejecting or negating the way their own parents taught them to love, and the sacrifices their parents made to keep up with the NT world.

And since the “normal” way is ALWAYS hard, it’s incredibly difficult to tell when you’re making things “unnecessarily complicated,” and difficult to stop even when you realize it. So you just opt out of stuff completely for your sanity and survival, because well, that’s not bad for the kids either, to have parents who don’t take on more than they can manage. I’m mostly offering my take on how my parents may have felt, but I see this in myself as well. I believe the rigidity also helped them to be consistent with structure and disciplining.

As for my family now, we’re not a double-diagnosis family bc DH is NT, but I often feel like we are bc he has a lot of the “learned/weaponized incompetence” -type behaviors around the house. I just do not have the bandwidth to pick up the slack, so things are unhappily chaotic as described by others above. We have very uneven earning power as well (similar to others, I too am comically, ludicrously underemployed…didn’t know that was a thing), so I often feel stressed and ashamed about the fact that I’m not picking up the slack at home.

That's when you have to get rid of your own junk and show up for your ND/ASD kid. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is very together but I've been wondering if I have undiagnosed or low level ADHD. We deal with it in the traditional way with genders reversed - he does more around the house and I work longer and earn more. I am great at keeping lists of what needs to be done, not so great at execution.

I know this didn't answer the question but I'm posting because I minorly flooded my bathroom turning on the shower and not noticing the shower head was on the floor whole reading this thread....

I don't want to single anyone out here but I have questions for those with ADHD. How do you feel about have problems like this and how does it make you feel? I'm honestly curious and not trying to be rude or snarky or anything like that at all.

It is a major self esteem killer. Tons of shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, complete sidebar but the number of people on DCUM who seem to think getting on meds is like a simple electrical rewiring issue or asking for an extra shot of espresso. If it was so easy of course we would all do it. As things get more and more hectic with the realities of parenting and adulthood, it becomes harder and harder to commit the time and monetary resources to tinkering around trying to figure out what works for you, while possibly in the process completely losing your grip on time, your mind, ability to mask (so social relationships), and physical health in the process. This happened to me on a particular med, as the doc kept urging me to up the dosage bc it wasn’t working the way we thought it would. I really think he was being paid to push the stuff onto his patients and I can’t believe I trusted the advice as long as I did. It was really terrifying.

I think the problem with medication is that the executive functioning isnt coached or taught alongside it.

We are a dual couple with ADD. My spouse takes meds and I do not. He does have the more stressful job but the stress is compounded by his lack of boundaries and inability to set up systems.

I stopped taking my meds when pregnant and never got back on them because I had worked on executive functioning and systems when I was taking my medication (about 8 years). The medications helps but it doesnt do the work for you.

For example, I have systems for cleaning and laundry. We have a dedicated space for keys at the entry/exit. I dont put stuff down- it gets put away. And if my attention is needed elsewhere, I make a "sticky note" in my head to remember to go back and do what I got distracted from. I dont let the gas tank get below 1/3 tank.

My spouse on the other hand refuses to put his keys and wallet anywhere dedicated when he enters. He constantly puts things down and walks away. Pants when he showers. Towels when he dries off. Spoons that he used for stirring. Shoes sit right in front of the door. Jackets are always thrown over a piece of furniture. And more than once I have had to use one of our cars and it had less than 5 miles in the tank.

He is also in "charge" in the afternoons and I keep trying to talk to him about making sure that he keeps a routine for our kid so that he learns that his backpack needs to get put away, papers gets taken out, homework gets done, snack gets eaten, and then it all goes back in the "school zone". He will just dally the whole afternoon away playing and then there is no dinner prepped, no homework done, backpack and lunch are still sitting whereever it got dropped and you realize that so much of this is also taught and demonstrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes 1 week, 2 weeks max to know if a stimulant is helping you focus and perform better.
If it doesn’t help, your doctor tried a different one or two.
If none of them help, you have ASD.

Wow. Thank you for this, I had no idea. I wish I’d known. I wrote the text directly above yours, and my doc definitely did not do this. I felt like it wasn’t quite right really early on (probably within that first week or two) and mentioned the possibility of trying something else, but he told me to stick with it, and suggested increasing the dosage multiple times, break apart the pills, make sure I wasn’t doing tasks at night (?). From neuropsych testing to, well, the final straw, was probably about five or six months, all on the same medication.

Pediatricians will try the stimulant after a parent and teacher survey firm.

Adult GPs will want you to meet w a psychologist or psychiatrist first.

A full neuropsych would be overkill, but if it’s 100% covers by insurance and you have the wait time, sure. Otherwise get to a psychiatrist asap.

[Anonymous]

* form
the Vanderbilt form.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My father did, my mom did all his executive functioning, and did the same for us kids. My mom is so used to it she likely thinks (but doesn’t say) that this is just normal, and I’m making a bigger deal out of it than necessary- because I’m a successful adult.

I’m also a woman, so when I was a girl in the 80s/90s, ADHD was boys who couldn’t sit still in class and ddi poorly on tests, I was a chatterbox, who couldn’t make friends with kids my own age, could spend hours reading, and did very well in school, but only when I liked the subject.

This is my sister and our family almost to a tee - except she has never managed to successfully “adult.” So interesting to hear others’ experiences.

The parents HAVE to take away the scaffolding during the middle school and high school years for the exec functioning skills to be habitualized in the teen.

Mom cannot and should not continue to do everything - chores, reminders, homework, packing, tidying - for the kid or else they will never learn good habits and systems.

Take away the scaffolding bit by bit.

As for the husband who can’t do jack, he’s a lot cause. Mak sure he stays on the sidelines, that reduces the chaos.