tell me about your marriage if both spouses have untreated ADHD

[Anonymous]

Can't communicate, can't get anything done, everything is a big deal, still living in the same shit hole for decades we have money but not the ability to work together and buy a house, commit to anything. Honestly I think I'd get more done on my own instead of trying to work with my spouse. We are not good for each other at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a family of introverts who are actually pretty nasty and narrow minded about it.

They cannot fathom why anyone would have their kids do a sport, or decorate their house, or go on vacations, or talk during dinner.

That’s just all too much work and so unnecessary. And tell you so.
Oh and “emotions are weakness”, they told me that one too.

I have seen this, also - like a superiority complex. Also tend to believe that if someone is warm, friendly and/or has people skills, then they must be a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It looks like:
-parking tickets with penalties
-filing taxes late
-last minute vacation planning
-running out of toilet paper
-being reminded to go grocery shopping
-never sending Christmas cards
-never being a bridesmaid
-knowing better than to volunteer for opportunities at kids school
-not maximizing kids educational opportunities
-underachieving at work for your educational level

+1.

All of the above but many fully believe this normal and everyone in the world functions at this same very level.

This. If it's both partners, they really might not realize (or they might be kidding themselves). I have a friend with really obvious untreated ADHD (and he's SO much fun), and he was honestly just gobsmacked to realize that some people plan vacations more than a few weeks in advance.

+1

I’m treated (fairly recently), spouse is not.

We have systems in place to avoid “ADHD tax” but unfortunately they are incompatible sometimes - I have everything on autopay and am usually always resetting my passwords for anything not saved by my computer automatically. Spouse has everything written down, but completely chaotically and can sometimes not find the notebook or even figure out what they meant or wrote down. If spouse gets a bill, they will write a check and mail it almost right away, even if it means being late for the next thing.

I had no idea not everyone lives like this.

It’s doable, but can be exhausting. But I also think I’d find it harder to live with them if I didn’t have ADHD myself.

This is fascinating. How did you live your life not realizing there are other ways? And what prompted you to get treatment? How do you feel about it now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It looks like:
-parking tickets with penalties
-filing taxes late
-last minute vacation planning
-running out of toilet paper
-being reminded to go grocery shopping
-never sending Christmas cards
-never being a bridesmaid
-knowing better than to volunteer for opportunities at kids school
-not maximizing kids educational opportunities
-underachieving at work for your educational level

+1.

All of the above but many fully believe this normal and everyone in the world functions at this same very level.

This. If it's both partners, they really might not realize (or they might be kidding themselves). I have a friend with really obvious untreated ADHD (and he's SO much fun), and he was honestly just gobsmacked to realize that some people plan vacations more than a few weeks in advance.

+1

I’m treated (fairly recently), spouse is not.

We have systems in place to avoid “ADHD tax” but unfortunately they are incompatible sometimes - I have everything on autopay and am usually always resetting my passwords for anything not saved by my computer automatically. Spouse has everything written down, but completely chaotically and can sometimes not find the notebook or even figure out what they meant or wrote down. If spouse gets a bill, they will write a check and mail it almost right away, even if it means being late for the next thing.

I had no idea not everyone lives like this.

It’s doable, but can be exhausting. But I also think I’d find it harder to live with them if I didn’t have ADHD myself.

What is the “ADHD tax?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It looks like:
-parking tickets with penalties
-filing taxes late
-last minute vacation planning
-running out of toilet paper
-being reminded to go grocery shopping
-never sending Christmas cards
-never being a bridesmaid
-knowing better than to volunteer for opportunities at kids school
-not maximizing kids educational opportunities
-underachieving at work for your educational level

+1.

All of the above but many fully believe this normal and everyone in the world functions at this same very level.

This. If it's both partners, they really might not realize (or they might be kidding themselves). I have a friend with really obvious untreated ADHD (and he's SO much fun), and he was honestly just gobsmacked to realize that some people plan vacations more than a few weeks in advance.

+1

I’m treated (fairly recently), spouse is not.

We have systems in place to avoid “ADHD tax” but unfortunately they are incompatible sometimes - I have everything on autopay and am usually always resetting my passwords for anything not saved by my computer automatically. Spouse has everything written down, but completely chaotically and can sometimes not find the notebook or even figure out what they meant or wrote down. If spouse gets a bill, they will write a check and mail it almost right away, even if it means being late for the next thing.

I had no idea not everyone lives like this.

It’s doable, but can be exhausting. But I also think I’d find it harder to live with them if I didn’t have ADHD myself.

I appreciate the honesty. This likely means your parent(s) have it as well, as they never ID'd it in you or got your executive functioning help - from them or school or a coach tutor. Glad you got Dx and got some new methods!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It looks like:
-parking tickets with penalties
-filing taxes late
-last minute vacation planning
-running out of toilet paper
-being reminded to go grocery shopping
-never sending Christmas cards
-never being a bridesmaid
-knowing better than to volunteer for opportunities at kids school
-not maximizing kids educational opportunities
-underachieving at work for your educational level

+1.

All of the above but many fully believe this normal and everyone in the world functions at this same very level.

This. If it's both partners, they really might not realize (or they might be kidding themselves). I have a friend with really obvious untreated ADHD (and he's SO much fun), and he was honestly just gobsmacked to realize that some people plan vacations more than a few weeks in advance.

+1

I’m treated (fairly recently), spouse is not.

We have systems in place to avoid “ADHD tax” but unfortunately they are incompatible sometimes - I have everything on autopay and am usually always resetting my passwords for anything not saved by my computer automatically. Spouse has everything written down, but completely chaotically and can sometimes not find the notebook or even figure out what they meant or wrote down. If spouse gets a bill, they will write a check and mail it almost right away, even if it means being late for the next thing.

I had no idea not everyone lives like this.

It’s doable, but can be exhausting. But I also think I’d find it harder to live with them if I didn’t have ADHD myself.

What is the “ADHD tax?"

In our house the ASD/ADHD tax means 3 steps forward, 2 steps back for everything.

Late, missed things, last minute prices, friends think we're flakes, job issues, lost coats/ keys/ water bottles/ balls/ shoes.

It's the tax for being unreliable most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I’m starting to wonder….do I fall under the “I had no idea not everyone lives like this” column?! I honestly can’t tell what is because our life is crazy/busy, and what could be because of something like this. Hm. Reading some of these is eye-opening…!

Gut check: would you guys say it’s normal / not an ADHD thing for us to constantly be struggling with mess / clutter / disorganization? I assumed that was just ….life with young kids, but can never figure out why other people’s cars aren’t insane and mine always is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a family of introverts who are actually pretty nasty and narrow minded about it.

They cannot fathom why anyone would have their kids do a sport, or decorate their house, or go on vacations, or talk during dinner.

That’s just all too much work and so unnecessary. And tell you so.
Oh and “emotions are weakness”, they told me that one too.

This all overwhelms them so they don't bother.

But they will never make the connection or have the self-awareness that it's their shortcomings driving the difference in life experiences.

[Anonymous]

Only my dad moved away for his first job and got told by his Seattle roommates he was a big slob, did he realize his upbringing had some issues.

To his credit, he shaped up. He also sees his parents' and siblings' good, bad and ugly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a family of introverts who are actually pretty nasty and narrow minded about it.

They cannot fathom why anyone would have their kids do a sport, or decorate their house, or go on vacations, or talk during dinner.

That’s just all too much work and so unnecessary. And tell you so.
Oh and “emotions are weakness”, they told me that one too.

I have seen this, also - like a superiority complex. Also tend to believe that if someone is warm, friendly and/or has people skills, then they must be a doormat.

The clearest example was watching the Olympics or a professional sports game and they cannot follow it. They have no clue what it took to get to that level of achievement and thus don’t appreciate it or worse, don’t understand it and flippantly say “what a waste of time, no one cares.” Ie they don’t care about most things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a family of introverts who are actually pretty nasty and narrow minded about it.

They cannot fathom why anyone would have their kids do a sport, or decorate their house, or go on vacations, or talk during dinner.

That’s just all too much work and so unnecessary. And tell you so.
Oh and “emotions are weakness”, they told me that one too.

I have seen this, also - like a superiority complex. Also tend to believe that if someone is warm, friendly and/or has people skills, then they must be a doormat.

The clearest example was watching the Olympics or a professional sports game and they cannot follow it. They have no clue what it took to get to that level of achievement and thus don’t appreciate it or worse, don’t understand it and flippantly say “what a waste of time, no one cares.” Ie they don’t care about most things.

What are you talking about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't communicate, can't get anything done, everything is a big deal, still living in the same shit hole for decades we have money but not the ability to work together and buy a house, commit to anything. Honestly I think I'd get more done on my own instead of trying to work with my spouse. We are not good for each other at all.

I thought I wrote this. I treat my ADHD, DH denies he has it. He cannot commit to a decision ever.
But when we have fun, we have amazing fun. And kids are our priority, so they plenty of educational and other opportunities.

[Anonymous]

My spouse is very together but I've been wondering if I have undiagnosed or low level ADHD. We deal with it in the traditional way with genders reversed - he does more around the house and I work longer and earn more. I am great at keeping lists of what needs to be done, not so great at execution.

I know this didn't answer the question but I'm posting because I minorly flooded my bathroom turning on the shower and not noticing the shower head was on the floor whole reading this thread....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a family of introverts who are actually pretty nasty and narrow minded about it.

They cannot fathom why anyone would have their kids do a sport, or decorate their house, or go on vacations, or talk during dinner.

That’s just all too much work and so unnecessary. And tell you so.
Oh and “emotions are weakness”, they told me that one too.

I have seen this, also - like a superiority complex. Also tend to believe that if someone is warm, friendly and/or has people skills, then they must be a doormat.

Yup, and refuse to join any type of community. I know someone who's DS is ASD and both refused to join any parents autism groups because "they didn't want to be one of those militant autism parents". And refused to actually, you know, raise their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I’m starting to wonder….do I fall under the “I had no idea not everyone lives like this” column?! I honestly can’t tell what is because our life is crazy/busy, and what could be because of something like this. Hm. Reading some of these is eye-opening…!

Gut check: would you guys say it’s normal / not an ADHD thing for us to constantly be struggling with mess / clutter / disorganization? I assumed that was just ….life with young kids, but can never figure out why other people’s cars aren’t insane and mine always is

I would say it's normal when any of your kids are under age 5, if both parents work or you're a single parent. But after that you should be able to pull things together.

Different people mean different things when they say "struggling with mess". Some people are bothered when their house is less than completely tidy. Others are bothered when they can no longer see the floor. So it's hard to say.

Non-ADHD people are able to look at their schedule as a whole, and plan their time including discontinuing activities if the total schedule is unmanageable. They can make that decision looking at the semester as a whole, and then they implement the decision. They're also able to accurately predict how long chores will take, and that's a big help in getting the chores done. ADHD people have a hard time with those ways of seeing life.