tell me about your marriage if both spouses have untreated ADHD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea, I think aspergers/ aspergers would be a good nice low key match. Still chaos, but prob live a simple introverted life or focus on work or hyper interests. Kids would probably inherit the same.

Adhd/ adhd prob all the impulsivity, hyperactivity cycles and inattentiveness. Need to sue a lot of tech crutches to stay on time or pay the bills or remember to do stuff.

Don’t have more than 1 kid.

Can you elaborate what you mean by “tech crutches”?

Apps and tech that remind you to do basic $hit.

Like not speed, stay in the lanes, calendar alerts for everything, auto bill pay, oil changes, bdays, doctor appt scheduling, what time it is.

All the stuff NT people do and hold instinctively in their heads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, complete sidebar but the number of people on DCUM who seem to think getting on meds is like a simple electrical rewiring issue or asking for an extra shot of espresso. If it was so easy of course we would all do it. As things get more and more hectic with the realities of parenting and adulthood, it becomes harder and harder to commit the time and monetary resources to tinkering around trying to figure out what works for you, while possibly in the process completely losing your grip on time, your mind, ability to mask (so social relationships), and physical health in the process. This happened to me on a particular med, as the doc kept urging me to up the dosage bc it wasn’t working the way we thought it would. I really think he was being paid to push the stuff onto his patients and I can’t believe I trusted the advice as long as I did. It was really terrifying.

I think the problem with medication is that the executive functioning isnt coached or taught alongside it.

We are a dual couple with ADD. My spouse takes meds and I do not. He does have the more stressful job but the stress is compounded by his lack of boundaries and inability to set up systems.

I stopped taking my meds when pregnant and never got back on them because I had worked on executive functioning and systems when I was taking my medication (about 8 years). The medications helps but it doesnt do the work for you.

For example, I have systems for cleaning and laundry. We have a dedicated space for keys at the entry/exit. I dont put stuff down- it gets put away. And if my attention is needed elsewhere, I make a "sticky note" in my head to remember to go back and do what I got distracted from. I dont let the gas tank get below 1/3 tank.

My spouse on the other hand refuses to put his keys and wallet anywhere dedicated when he enters. He constantly puts things down and walks away. Pants when he showers. Towels when he dries off. Spoons that he used for stirring. Shoes sit right in front of the door. Jackets are always thrown over a piece of furniture. And more than once I have had to use one of our cars and it had less than 5 miles in the tank.

He is also in "charge" in the afternoons and I keep trying to talk to him about making sure that he keeps a routine for our kid so that he learns that his backpack needs to get put away, papers gets taken out, homework gets done, snack gets eaten, and then it all goes back in the "school zone". He will just dally the whole afternoon away playing and then there is no dinner prepped, no homework done, backpack and lunch are still sitting whereever it got dropped and you realize that so much of this is also taught and demonstrated.

Yikes.

How old are your kids right now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, complete sidebar but the number of people on DCUM who seem to think getting on meds is like a simple electrical rewiring issue or asking for an extra shot of espresso. If it was so easy of course we would all do it. As things get more and more hectic with the realities of parenting and adulthood, it becomes harder and harder to commit the time and monetary resources to tinkering around trying to figure out what works for you, while possibly in the process completely losing your grip on time, your mind, ability to mask (so social relationships), and physical health in the process. This happened to me on a particular med, as the doc kept urging me to up the dosage bc it wasn’t working the way we thought it would. I really think he was being paid to push the stuff onto his patients and I can’t believe I trusted the advice as long as I did. It was really terrifying.

I think the problem with medication is that the executive functioning isnt coached or taught alongside it.

We are a dual couple with ADD. My spouse takes meds and I do not. He does have the more stressful job but the stress is compounded by his lack of boundaries and inability to set up systems.

I stopped taking my meds when pregnant and never got back on them because I had worked on executive functioning and systems when I was taking my medication (about 8 years). The medications helps but it doesnt do the work for you.

For example, I have systems for cleaning and laundry. We have a dedicated space for keys at the entry/exit. I dont put stuff down- it gets put away. And if my attention is needed elsewhere, I make a "sticky note" in my head to remember to go back and do what I got distracted from. I dont let the gas tank get below 1/3 tank.

My spouse on the other hand refuses to put his keys and wallet anywhere dedicated when he enters. He constantly puts things down and walks away. Pants when he showers. Towels when he dries off. Spoons that he used for stirring. Shoes sit right in front of the door. Jackets are always thrown over a piece of furniture. And more than once I have had to use one of our cars and it had less than 5 miles in the tank.

He is also in "charge" in the afternoons and I keep trying to talk to him about making sure that he keeps a routine for our kid so that he learns that his backpack needs to get put away, papers gets taken out, homework gets done, snack gets eaten, and then it all goes back in the "school zone". He will just dally the whole afternoon away playing and then there is no dinner prepped, no homework done, backpack and lunch are still sitting whereever it got dropped and you realize that so much of this is also taught and demonstrated.

Yikes.

How old are your kids right now?

one kid elementary school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what you want to know.
We did fairly well in school and have high paying jobs. Me because my parents really supported me, and DH because he is brilliant.

You can think of ADHD as the ability to completely shift your focus quickly, which means that it’s easy to lose your keys or burn dinner, but, because of our professions, it’s actually kind of an asset for both of us at work.

Our home is not well organized or well decorated. We have four kids and often have many other kids over at the house. The chaos of kids doesn’t get to me. We don’t have a television because the background noise of television does get to me.

We have a lot of amazing people in our lives that help with stuff. We have a housekeeper 3-4 days a week who helps keep things organized. The kids have had some teachers over the years that worked with them on keeping things organized at school. We have a travel agent that plans vacations and things for us. We put a lot of things on autopilot as much as possible (bills of course, but also lawn care, window washing, flowers for extended family birthdays, car maintenance, household deep cleaning, etc).

I don’t know. It’s not perfect, but we are a fun and happy family. Also, I know that you said “untreated,” but I do take Vyvanse on my days off, and it helps.

Happy to hear this is working out but money and willingness to set up coping mechanisms like this is probably the biggest factor to success…we do twice a month deep cleaning but having someone taking care of household task (huge stressor for those with adhd) 12-16 days a month is insane but awesome. Add in lawn care window cleaning and all the tedious non-preferred tasks costs money but also allows things to run more smoothly. Even flowers! Amazing…seriously no snark. Have an independent third person do the travel planning is a really good tip (another adhd stressor) and might even save you money because it is easy to forget to book something until last minute which ends up costing more. In sum, gotta have money and spend it on way to offload tasks that are easy for adhd people to forget to make things work well or … both partners need personalities with a lot of patience, understanding, laughter and go with the flow or you might get explosive fights or pent up resentment…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, complete sidebar but the number of people on DCUM who seem to think getting on meds is like a simple electrical rewiring issue or asking for an extra shot of espresso. If it was so easy of course we would all do it. As things get more and more hectic with the realities of parenting and adulthood, it becomes harder and harder to commit the time and monetary resources to tinkering around trying to figure out what works for you, while possibly in the process completely losing your grip on time, your mind, ability to mask (so social relationships), and physical health in the process. This happened to me on a particular med, as the doc kept urging me to up the dosage bc it wasn’t working the way we thought it would. I really think he was being paid to push the stuff onto his patients and I can’t believe I trusted the advice as long as I did. It was really terrifying.

I think the problem with medication is that the executive functioning isnt coached or taught alongside it.

We are a dual couple with ADD. My spouse takes meds and I do not. He does have the more stressful job but the stress is compounded by his lack of boundaries and inability to set up systems.

I stopped taking my meds when pregnant and never got back on them because I had worked on executive functioning and systems when I was taking my medication (about 8 years). The medications helps but it doesnt do the work for you.

For example, I have systems for cleaning and laundry. We have a dedicated space for keys at the entry/exit. I dont put stuff down- it gets put away. And if my attention is needed elsewhere, I make a "sticky note" in my head to remember to go back and do what I got distracted from. I dont let the gas tank get below 1/3 tank.

My spouse on the other hand refuses to put his keys and wallet anywhere dedicated when he enters. He constantly puts things down and walks away. Pants when he showers. Towels when he dries off. Spoons that he used for stirring. Shoes sit right in front of the door. Jackets are always thrown over a piece of furniture. And more than once I have had to use one of our cars and it had less than 5 miles in the tank.

He is also in "charge" in the afternoons and I keep trying to talk to him about making sure that he keeps a routine for our kid so that he learns that his backpack needs to get put away, papers gets taken out, homework gets done, snack gets eaten, and then it all goes back in the "school zone". He will just dally the whole afternoon away playing and then there is no dinner prepped, no homework done, backpack and lunch are still sitting whereever it got dropped and you realize that so much of this is also taught and demonstrated.

This would be too much for me.

I hope he makes a lot of money. He’s got major issues.

[Anonymous]

adding that yes, many of the reasons my systems work is because I WAH but I choose that because of the time lost commuting and ability to do household stuff to keep us running. for example, my household chores today are my laundry, washing the upstairs shower curtain and hand towels and cleaning the sink/cabinet. I can do that before I start work and just switch loads over. Tomorrow I wash our duvet and downstairs bath towels, clean the sink/cabinet, and clean both toilets. It could be done the same way working out of the house but I know that just from commuting and the sensory overload of feeling like I was always rushing- to work after drop off, home after work, etc. means I cant manage other things well.

Not being wealthy/rich especially if you dont have family help as a dual working couple means there need to be some offsets in your day-2-day life especially if you are ND.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what you want to know.
We did fairly well in school and have high paying jobs. Me because my parents really supported me, and DH because he is brilliant.

You can think of ADHD as the ability to completely shift your focus quickly, which means that it’s easy to lose your keys or burn dinner, but, because of our professions, it’s actually kind of an asset for both of us at work.

Our home is not well organized or well decorated. We have four kids and often have many other kids over at the house. The chaos of kids doesn’t get to me. We don’t have a television because the background noise of television does get to me.

We have a lot of amazing people in our lives that help with stuff. We have a housekeeper 3-4 days a week who helps keep things organized. The kids have had some teachers over the years that worked with them on keeping things organized at school. We have a travel agent that plans vacations and things for us. We put a lot of things on autopilot as much as possible (bills of course, but also lawn care, window washing, flowers for extended family birthdays, car maintenance, household deep cleaning, etc).

I don’t know. It’s not perfect, but we are a fun and happy family. Also, I know that you said “untreated,” but I do take Vyvanse on my days off, and it helps.

Happy to hear this is working out but money and willingness to set up coping mechanisms like this is probably the biggest factor to success…we do twice a month deep cleaning but having someone taking care of household task (huge stressor for those with adhd) 12-16 days a month is insane but awesome. Add in lawn care window cleaning and all the tedious non-preferred tasks costs money but also allows things to run more smoothly. Even flowers! Amazing…seriously no snark. Have an independent third person do the travel planning is a really good tip (another adhd stressor) and might even save you money because it is easy to forget to book something until last minute which ends up costing more. In sum, gotta have money and spend it on way to offload tasks that are easy for adhd people to forget to make things work well or … both partners need personalities with a lot of patience, understanding, laughter and go with the flow or you might get explosive fights or pent up resentment…

Agree.

I’m NT, work full time, 2 kids, ADHd spouse unmedicated (unless you count two pots of coffee plus diet cokes each day), and I am constantly optimizing things or tidying as I walk through the house or see issues or needs.

The nanny doesn’t care to do that, maybe move things to one pile, but not organize or optimize or come up with systems that improve the Drop Zone, or the shoe problem, or the drafty window, or container mismatching, or a big envelope for 2023 tax items.

I see the need, know what to do about, and do it. All in 1 minute. Over and over and over. Then I draw the line, and have some fun w the kids.

[Anonymous]

Am agreeing with the below Pp:

“‘ Happy to hear this is working out but money and willingness to set up coping mechanisms like this is probably the biggest factor to success…we do twice a month deep cleaning but having someone taking care of household task (huge stressor for those with adhd) 12-16 days a month is insane but awesome. Add in lawn care window cleaning and all the tedious non-preferred tasks costs money but also allows things to run more smoothly. Even flowers! Amazing…seriously no snark. Have an independent third person do the travel planning is a really good tip (another adhd stressor) and might even save you money because it is easy to forget to book something until last minute which ends up costing more. In sum, gotta have money and spend it on way to offload tasks that are easy for adhd people to forget to make things work well or … both partners need personalities with a lot of patience, understanding, laughter and go with the flow or you might get explosive fights or pent up resentment… ‘“

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It looks like:
-parking tickets with penalties
-filing taxes late
-last minute vacation planning
-running out of toilet paper
-being reminded to go grocery shopping
-never sending Christmas cards
-never being a bridesmaid
-knowing better than to volunteer for opportunities at kids school
-not maximizing kids educational opportunities
-underachieving at work for your educational level

We grew up in absolute squalor even though my dad was a doctor and my sister thinks it's probably untreated severe ADHD with my mother, and maybe asperger's with my dad. the food was always burned and inedible and we were always out of groceries. my mother would routinely ruin our clothes in the laundry. We didn't see the doctor. Everything was always lost and chaotic in the house -- people running around screaming and looking for permission slips, keys, etc. The idea that every year in Vermont you need an ice scraper to prepare the car before you can drive somewhere, but there was never any designated place for anything. I have been talking about this with my siblings and we all ended up being really rigid about where things go, we are all the kind of people who are like "It's Tuesday. Tuesday is the night we have spaghetti." I think it was a reaction to our bizarre, sad, lonely, neglectful childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea, I think aspergers/ aspergers would be a good nice low key match. Still chaos, but prob live a simple introverted life or focus on work or hyper interests. Kids would probably inherit the same.

Adhd/ adhd prob all the impulsivity, hyperactivity cycles and inattentiveness. Need to sue a lot of tech crutches to stay on time or pay the bills or remember to do stuff.

Don’t have more than 1 kid.

Can you elaborate what you mean by “tech crutches”?

Apps and tech that remind you to do basic $hit.

Like not speed, stay in the lanes, calendar alerts for everything, auto bill pay, oil changes, bdays, doctor appt scheduling, what time it is.

All the stuff NT people do and hold instinctively in their heads.

LOL. Every Monday night Alexa reminds us to take the garbage cans to the street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, complete sidebar but the number of people on DCUM who seem to think getting on meds is like a simple electrical rewiring issue or asking for an extra shot of espresso. If it was so easy of course we would all do it. As things get more and more hectic with the realities of parenting and adulthood, it becomes harder and harder to commit the time and monetary resources to tinkering around trying to figure out what works for you, while possibly in the process completely losing your grip on time, your mind, ability to mask (so social relationships), and physical health in the process. This happened to me on a particular med, as the doc kept urging me to up the dosage bc it wasn’t working the way we thought it would. I really think he was being paid to push the stuff onto his patients and I can’t believe I trusted the advice as long as I did. It was really terrifying.

I think the problem with medication is that the executive functioning isnt coached or taught alongside it.

We are a dual couple with ADD. My spouse takes meds and I do not. He does have the more stressful job but the stress is compounded by his lack of boundaries and inability to set up systems.

I stopped taking my meds when pregnant and never got back on them because I had worked on executive functioning and systems when I was taking my medication (about 8 years). The medications helps but it doesnt do the work for you.

For example, I have systems for cleaning and laundry. We have a dedicated space for keys at the entry/exit. I dont put stuff down- it gets put away. And if my attention is needed elsewhere, I make a "sticky note" in my head to remember to go back and do what I got distracted from. I dont let the gas tank get below 1/3 tank.

My spouse on the other hand refuses to put his keys and wallet anywhere dedicated when he enters. He constantly puts things down and walks away. Pants when he showers. Towels when he dries off. Spoons that he used for stirring. Shoes sit right in front of the door. Jackets are always thrown over a piece of furniture. And more than once I have had to use one of our cars and it had less than 5 miles in the tank.

He is also in "charge" in the afternoons and I keep trying to talk to him about making sure that he keeps a routine for our kid so that he learns that his backpack needs to get put away, papers gets taken out, homework gets done, snack gets eaten, and then it all goes back in the "school zone". He will just dally the whole afternoon away playing and then there is no dinner prepped, no homework done, backpack and lunch are still sitting whereever it got dropped and you realize that so much of this is also taught and demonstrated.

This would be too much for me.

I hope he makes a lot of money. He’s got major issues.

He makes 65% of our total income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It looks like:
-parking tickets with penalties
-filing taxes late
-last minute vacation planning
-running out of toilet paper
-being reminded to go grocery shopping
-never sending Christmas cards
-never being a bridesmaid
-knowing better than to volunteer for opportunities at kids school
-not maximizing kids educational opportunities
-underachieving at work for your educational level

We grew up in absolute squalor even though my dad was a doctor and my sister thinks it's probably untreated severe ADHD with my mother, and maybe asperger's with my dad.

the food was always burned and inedible and we were always out of groceries. my mother would routinely ruin our clothes in the laundry. We didn't see the doctor. Everything was always lost and chaotic in the house -- people running around screaming and looking for permission slips, keys, etc.
The idea that every year in Vermont you need an ice scraper to prepare the car before you can drive somewhere, but there was never any designated place for anything.

I have been talking about this with my siblings and we all ended up being really rigid about where things go, we are all the kind of people who are like "It's Tuesday. Tuesday is the night we have spaghetti." I think it was a reaction to our bizarre, sad, lonely, neglectful childhood.

Holy moly. Talk about emotionally stunted and stunted pair of parents.
Glad you all made it out through the other side and can talk about it. And broke the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea, I think aspergers/ aspergers would be a good nice low key match. Still chaos, but prob live a simple introverted life or focus on work or hyper interests. Kids would probably inherit the same.

Adhd/ adhd prob all the impulsivity, hyperactivity cycles and inattentiveness. Need to sue a lot of tech crutches to stay on time or pay the bills or remember to do stuff.

Don’t have more than 1 kid.

Can you elaborate what you mean by “tech crutches”?

Apps and tech that remind you to do basic $hit.

Like not speed, stay in the lanes, calendar alerts for everything, auto bill pay, oil changes, bdays, doctor appt scheduling, what time it is.

All the stuff NT people do and hold instinctively in their heads.

LOL. Every Monday night Alexa reminds us to take the garbage cans to the street.

I had to give a morning calendar alert to my ADD spouse to flush the toilet before leaving for work.
He wakes up super early and hyperactive, drinks a ton of coffee, works a bunch, hides in the toilet. To not further disturb and wake up the house at 5am he doesn’t flush. But then never circles back.
Otherwise he’d forget and leave his dump in there decaying away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea, I think aspergers/ aspergers would be a good nice low key match. Still chaos, but prob live a simple introverted life or focus on work or hyper interests. Kids would probably inherit the same.

Adhd/ adhd prob all the impulsivity, hyperactivity cycles and inattentiveness. Need to sue a lot of tech crutches to stay on time or pay the bills or remember to do stuff.

Don’t have more than 1 kid.

Can you elaborate what you mean by “tech crutches”?

Apps and tech that remind you to do basic $hit.

Like not speed, stay in the lanes, calendar alerts for everything, auto bill pay, oil changes, bdays, doctor appt scheduling, what time it is.

All the stuff NT people do and hold instinctively in their heads.

LOL. Every Monday night Alexa reminds us to take the garbage cans to the street.

I had to give a morning calendar alert to my ADD spouse to flush the toilet before leaving for work.
He wakes up super early and hyperactive, drinks a ton of coffee, works a bunch, hides in the toilet. To not further disturb and wake up the house at 5am he doesn’t flush. But then never circles back.
Otherwise he’d forget and leave his dump in there decaying away.

omfg with the toilet flushing! my spouse is also very active in the mornings, gets to work by 530 in DC for a government job and literally never flushes the toilet in the am. its the downstairs toilet it wont wake anyone up more than you banging around the kitchen or taking a shower lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea, I think aspergers/ aspergers would be a good nice low key match. Still chaos, but prob live a simple introverted life or focus on work or hyper interests. Kids would probably inherit the same.

Adhd/ adhd prob all the impulsivity, hyperactivity cycles and inattentiveness. Need to sue a lot of tech crutches to stay on time or pay the bills or remember to do stuff.

Don’t have more than 1 kid.

Can you elaborate what you mean by “tech crutches”?

Apps and tech that remind you to do basic $hit.

Like not speed, stay in the lanes, calendar alerts for everything, auto bill pay, oil changes, bdays, doctor appt scheduling, what time it is.

All the stuff NT people do and hold instinctively in their heads.

LOL. Every Monday night Alexa reminds us to take the garbage cans to the street.

I had to give a morning calendar alert to my ADD spouse to flush the toilet before leaving for work.
He wakes up super early and hyperactive, drinks a ton of coffee, works a bunch, hides in the toilet. To not further disturb and wake up the house at 5am he doesn’t flush. But then never circles back.
Otherwise he’d forget and leave his dump in there decaying away.

omfg with the toilet flushing! my spouse is also very active in the mornings, gets to work by 530 in DC for a government job and literally never flushes the toilet in the am. its the downstairs toilet it wont wake anyone up more than you banging around the kitchen or taking a shower lol

Gross, hope you have a dark toilet.

Doubt anyone is banging around the kitchen before 7am, that would be rude. Be quiet.