Anyone else going through this? Wary about discussing kids' success around public school family members

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am wary of people like you OP pretending to be upper class when your HHI is nothing.

Mine is way over 2 mil a year. Doubt you can compare. And my kids all went to publc school.

And oh dear they all went to better colleges than your kids I can guarantee it.

And we could tell within 30 seconds of meeting your kids that they went to public. That plebian stamp is hard to mask.

DP. Who cares if you can tell? Nothing to mask and nothing to be ashamed of.

Some people find the stench off-putting but with your adequate HHI you seem to have it all figured out.

Damn if I could bottle that stench I’d douse you in it

It is everywhere among the unwashed masses but you probably don't notice it.

[Anonymous]

I think you are projecting. You believe your children are doing better and that your family is jealous. Why? Do they tell you this? I think this is really in your head. Many of the characteristics you mention may not be important to your relatives.

Most private school parents believe their private school is better than public - why else would they pay the high tuition. Most public school parents don’t hold the same opinion.

It’s a false assumption that public school parents are jealous of private schools. We have close friends whose children go to privates. We are never jealous of them. To each their own.

We do have family members whose young adults are struggling. This happens in many families. Even at the adult level. We don’t judge them or think it’s a result of their school.

Instead of comparing them, how about find the similarities and appreciate those.

[Anonymous]

Do you interact with many people on a regular basis?

"How is Johnny doing with his senior year so far"
"He's doing well, enjoying sports and his friends." (Versus "He is getting A's in college-level courses, being recruited by D1 schools for his sport, and got 5s on all 32 APs he took.")

"What is Johnny thinking of doing after he graduates?"
"He's looking at several schools and we're visiting some in the next few months. Hopefully he'll find a good fit." (Versus "He's only applying to Ivies and we're assuming he'll get in since we're paying college-level tuition for his high school!")

I have kids in private schools whose futures will likely be quite different from those of their cousins. It's possible to have conversations with relatives (or anyone) that are different than the conversations you might have with other parents at your kid's school.

I mean, do you really talk to your boss and your best friend the same way? Your best friend and your neighbor you barely know? I assume not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP and not a troll. This is happening to our family. It’s driving our kids apart from their public school cousins at gatherings. When they offer to play pedestrian games like hide and seek and our kids respond with suggestions of math proofs, the blank looks on their faces speak volumes. We can’t even engage in our typical family practices around our extended family, like speaking Latin at the dinner table. We swallowed our pride and spoke the king’s English at my nephews birthday dinner but it felt so low brow. I do hope it gets better.

Well played, PP. King's English.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

How about encouraging your amazingly developed ubermensch children to do something positive in the world that your cousins appreciate, so you aren't embarrassed to parade them around?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

OMG. You're acting like your kids are going to be CEOs of Fortune 500 companies in 2025 and their kids are going to living under a bridge.

Also, bragging about kids can be classless around family members as well...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand there are some posts in jest here, but my brother wore an "I heart public schools" tshirt to Christmas dinner. He's been on his public school kick since he got married to a public school teacher. His wife is very passionate and seems to have brain washed him to be biased against private education. He refuses to consider the social impact a private education has had on our lives, and now the lives of our children. My parents even offered to pay for his kids to go to our beloved private. Such a shame that he can't put his pride aside for the sake of his kids education.

I sincerely hope this post is also in jest...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids have to turn their school-logo wear inside out to hide the name, lest it sparks unbridled jealousy among the poors.

My children change into street clothes before leaving school in case they run into someone they know on the way home who doesn't go there. One time we went to the grocery school after pickup and ran into my SIL and her kids and my kids were wearing school sweatshirts and SIL hasn't talked to us since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lesson: don’t talk up your kids. Ever.

Easier said than done. In a big, close & gregarious extended family, how the kids are doing tends to dominate basically every gathering and phone call.

You can talk ABOUT your kids without BRAGGING about them. Do you really not see the distinction.

I swear, parents like you are the reason I hate having my kids in private school. I'm embarrassed that anyone would ever think I'm anything like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say the kids are doing great. No one needs to know that Bretton got a 1540 on her SATs and Brinleeee got a 5 on his AP test.

amazing

[Anonymous]

If OP isn’t a true, she’s pathetic. That’s even worse.

We have a “large, extended family” and we never, ever, ever talk about any of this stuff ever. It’s not hard to do. Any parent with a brain larger than a pea knows that comparing kids in an extended family causes nothing but trouble.

[Anonymous]

I mean if isn’t a “troll.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very open large extended family, so we talk about everything under the sun, both my side and in-laws. Dozens of nieces and nephews, so of course every parent is always talking up how their kids are doing. We didn't really notice when they were younger, but as our private school children (and their public school cousins) progress through high school, the gaps are clearly and sadly widening. Not just grades, but honor and advanced courses, the genuine rigor, and AP and SAT scores. When we're together for large family gatherings, our kids act far more mature and confident. They've become polished public speakers, they don't mumble and avoid eye contact when they speak to adults. Lately, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when we're talking about how our kids are doing in school and their plans for the future. I don't even know if they can detect the stark differences, but I'm so worried they will, that I feel like I'm being evasive about things we used to freely discuss.

Just talk about what the kids are interested in (hobbies, ECs, a few favored subjects, maybe future career plans).

I hated my family bragging on me and my cousins didn't like it much either. Our side was smarter, their side was richer. Jealousy corrodes relationships between family that are not closely bonded. Don't let it.

Figure out fun things to do together that don't involve lots of chat.

I'm OP. I'm fine with family bragging and talking up your kids. In our family everything is fair game. It's family and we're all middle to upper middle class. (To me, bragging about kids becomes classless when you're in public around non-family.) The issue is now when talking up our kids, we're talking about teens that are very clearly on different levels. I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.

This is cracking me up how serious and earnest you seem to be about this. You know how when you were all first time parents with young kids, some got all caught up in milestones and who walked at X months and who sang ABCs at Y age and were constantly obsessing and comparing and bragging…and some had the wisdom and perspective to say, “yep, literally none of this will matter in 5/10 years”? You’re being the former, right now. You sound so so silly, it was almost painful to read that

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I'm not even sure if they grasp the full extent of the widening gaps. But I do and it is unsettling.”

OMG. Some of you are just too much. Yes, Bentley and Brantley are just too far advanced and your family is too simple-‘minded to understand. But it is uncomfortable for you. What to do?!

This is totally a troll, guys. No way OP is a real person.

[Anonymous]

No. DH's cousins' kids go to a variety of types of school. We don't brag, so this is a non-issue. When people ask what the kids got on their SATs we/they say that we don't toss out numbers to avoid comparisons. If they ask what colleges they're considering or applying to we/they say "We'll let you know when a decision has been made, for sure." We will brag about how kind they are, considerate, how much effort they put in, but not achievements.