Dad’s new “companion” after mom’s death

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the loss of your mother, to cancer no less, followed by your father dating another woman must be very traumatic to you. Tell him how you feel, maybe write a letter. He should consider your feelings and get your permission if he wants to date, since you’re his daughter and you are speaking for your mother too. She may not want your dad to date either. Six years, or six decades, love knows no timeline.

This is simply the worst advice I have ever read on DCUM.

OP is an adult, not a 12 year old. She has no say in her dad's romantic life. If anything, she should find a way to be outwardly happy for her dad while she works on her feelings privately or with a therapist.[b]

Mom is dead. She does not get to tell husband he can't date. Even the religious crazies agree that marriage ends at death. Furthermore, someone who truly and selflessly loved their spouse *would* want them to have companionship.

. But she will always be his daughter! Have some empathy for her feelings.

[Anonymous]

6 years is a long time. Many men will go straight on to the next woman after their spouse/partner dies. Be happy for your father. Do you want to begrudge him companionship at his age?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm not reading the whole thread, but your feelings are not unusual. As many are pointing out, it's also okay for your dad to want to have companionship. I highly recommend therapy to help you work through these feelings.

[Anonymous]

Without a doubt, I would want my father to be happy and not alone. Your mother is forever in his heart, and this is not a replacement for her. He will always love your mother. But he is still living and let him be happy.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to get some help processing your grief. Six years out, this is a very disproportionate response that is coming from a very childlike place.

Prolonged grief is real and it needs treatment. My mom cared for her own dad as he died and she is still stuck almost 25 years later because she absolutely refuses to do the work of processing it with a professional. At ten years out, she would say things like "he died three years ago" (and that was 15 years before now--she didn't, and still doesn't, have dementia messing up her sense of time passing; it is the prolonged grief talking.)

Don't do that to yourself and your relationship with your dad, which will suffer for it.

[Anonymous]

Your dad is lonely. He is not replacing your mother. Nobody could ever, ever do that. But he has life left to live and doesn’t want to be alone. You don’t have the same feeling about your mother as he does about a life companion. And if you love your father, you need to figure out a way to be cordial with his new friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the loss of your mother, to cancer no less, followed by your father dating another woman must be very traumatic to you. Tell him how you feel, maybe write a letter. He should consider your feelings and get your permission if he wants to date, since you’re his daughter and you are speaking for your mother too. She may not want your dad to date either. Six years, or six decades, love knows no timeline.

This is simply the worst advice I have ever read on DCUM.

OP is an adult, not a 12 year old. She has no say in her dad's romantic life. If anything, she should find a way to be outwardly happy for her dad while she works on her feelings privately or with a therapist.[b]

Mom is dead. She does not get to tell husband he can't date. Even the religious crazies agree that marriage ends at death. Furthermore, someone who truly and selflessly loved their spouse *would* want them to have companionship.

. But she will always be his daughter! Have some empathy for her feelings.

You can be sympathic to what someone is going through and still believe they're not making the best choices. You do no one any favors by co-signing their right to dictate another's choices because they have unresolved feelings - her feelings should not supersede nor dictate his ability to life a full life.

[Anonymous]

While I am heartened by so many pro-Dad & GF posts here, the reality can sadly be much different.

When the time comes that a parent actually does have a new partner, it is amazing how quickly it goes from, "I want my parent to have companionship, I'm all for it!" to ... "I can't stand the person my parent is with. It's mom/dad's choice, but I avoid spending any time with them because of partner."

No matter who their parent picked they'd find some fault and a reason to avoid anything but the bare minimum of civility.

So that is actually the same response as OP's, just in a passive aggressive form.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. But your Dad is in no way being disrespectful to the memory of your mother. He is single now and can't live in the past.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to meet her if you don't want to. You do not have to welcome her into the fold if you feel like it is takes away from your mother's memory, and you are the one who gets to decide that. You'll get tons of grief from other olds in the family who want to be free to stomp over graves in their frantic efforts to stop the steady march of mortality, but whatever. People could take comfort in their actual blood families, but Boomers tend to be delusional about their want/"need" for romance well past their fertile age.

Honestly, it's probably better for him to glom on to one lady friend rather than play the field. If he was the type, there are tons more women than men his age, and he could end up with lots of drama.

The bad news is, the woman usually dictates things socially, so you will likely end up losing your dad in that respect, unless she's a big introvert or doesn't have kids of her own.

Let her be his nursemaid, and bonus points if she has a nice fat purse from the first husband. She knows she cannot replace your mom, and who cares if your dad thinks that. Men will be men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the loss of your mother, to cancer no less, followed by your father dating another woman must be very traumatic to you. Tell him how you feel, maybe write a letter. He should consider your feelings and get your permission if he wants to date, since you’re his daughter and you are speaking for your mother too. She may not want your dad to date either. Six years, or six decades, love knows no timeline.

This is simply the worst advice I have ever read on DCUM.

OP is an adult, not a 12 year old. She has no say in her dad's romantic life. If anything, she should find a way to be outwardly happy for her dad while she works on her feelings privately or with a therapist.[b]

Mom is dead. She does not get to tell husband he can't date. Even the religious crazies agree that marriage ends at death. Furthermore, someone who truly and selflessly loved their spouse *would* want them to have companionship.

. But she will always be his daughter! Have some empathy for her feelings.

It's been 6 years. Dad doesn't need "permission" from his daughter to have a companion. And she may be his daughter, but the relationship will be strained if she makes it difficult for him to move on in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to meet her if you don't want to. You do not have to welcome her into the fold if you feel like it is takes away from your mother's memory, and you are the one who gets to decide that. You'll get tons of grief from other olds in the family who want to be free to stomp over graves in their frantic efforts to stop the steady march of mortality, but whatever. People could take comfort in their actual blood families, but Boomers tend to be delusional about their want/"need" for romance well past their fertile age.

Honestly, it's probably better for him to glom on to one lady friend rather than play the field. If he was the type, there are tons more women than men his age, and he could end up with lots of drama.

The bad news is, the woman usually dictates things socially, so you will likely end up losing your dad in that respect, unless she's a big introvert or doesn't have kids of her own.

Let her be his nursemaid, and bonus points if she has a nice fat purse from the first husband. She knows she cannot replace your mom, and who cares if your dad thinks that. Men will be men.

It has been six years. Ashes have returned to ashes at this point. This man has more than respected OP’s prolonged grief and he deserves to get the most out of his remaining time on Earth.

[Anonymous]

Your Mom passed 6 years ago?

Dad is still young and deserves to have someone to do things with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grow up OP. Also you are going to be grateful when he needs a nursemaid, if it’s not her it’s going to be you. My MIL having a partner in her final years meant I was off the hook having to care for her and take her to doctors.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom passed away 6 years ago after a long battle with cancer. She was in her mid 60s. It’s still extremely heartbreaking to my family (me, my dad and my brother) and I miss her more than anything.

A few months ago, on a phone call with my dad (who is in his 70s now), he very casually mentioned that he felt like he was ready for some “companionship.” It took me completely by surprise as I couldn’t imagine my dad ever wanting to be with anyone after 40+ years of marriage with my mom. I voiced my surprise and confusion on the call and he didn’t bring it up again. A few months passed and he, again very casually, mentioned a childhood friend that he reconnected with. I also recently found out via another family member that they travel together and spend quite a bit of time together. Most recently, he brought her to a family function, which I must admit, was upsetting to hear.

I’m not sure how to process these emotions. Part of me feels like my dad is forgetting or replacing the 40 years he shared with my mom and her memory feels more and more distant. At the same time, I’m glad my dad isn’t completely alone because we don’t live near each other and I worry about him. Truth be told, I never want to meet this friend of his and I don’t want her to be a part of my life. I know she could never replace my mom. I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has navigated feeling this way or if I’m completely off base.

Are you 12? I am stunned by your comments. What did you think was going to happen after your mother died? Did you think he would be required to live by himself until his 90s alone in deference to your Mom who sadly died young? No one is replacing your Mom. This isn't an "instead of" but an " and." You will meet her. You will be kind to her. You will accept this and you will support your father.
I would encourage both parties to keep their finances separate, no need to marry, but they do need to enjoy their lives. Your mother would agree. Now pull up youd big girl pants. At least he didn't win her in a TV contest held over a week and broadcast on national TV. He was very thoughtful in his choice and he deserves to be happy.