Dad’s new “companion” after mom’s death

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the loss of your mother, to cancer no less, followed by your father dating another woman must be very traumatic to you. Tell him how you feel, maybe write a letter. He should consider your feelings and get your permission if he wants to date, since you’re his daughter and you are speaking for your mother too. She may not want your dad to date either. Six years, or six decades, love knows no timeline.

This is simply the worst advice I have ever read on DCUM.

OP is an adult, not a 12 year old. She has no say in her dad's romantic life. If anything, she should find a way to be outwardly happy for her dad while she works on her feelings privately or with a therapist.[b]

Mom is dead. She does not get to tell husband he can't date. Even the religious crazies agree that marriage ends at death. Furthermore, someone who truly and selflessly loved their spouse *would* want them to have companionship.

. But she will always be his daughter! Have some empathy for her feelings.

Nah. These aren't feelings, this looks like a serious problem with maturity. And he's over 70, so she's got to be in her late 30s or 40s. Very odd comments for someone of this age. She sounds like a teenager who needs a counselor.

[Anonymous]

OP, how did you imagine your father living out the rest of his life? Celibate, watching TV, playing the occasional pickleball? How do you imagine your 60s, 70s, 80s, ? I am truly stymied by your comments. And very concerned.

[Anonymous]

I always wonder about people who are unable to connect A to B. Your Dad has been alone for six years and you're uncomfortable that he has companionship, to the point of discouraging it. Are you prepared to care for him in his older years? There's no mention of that in your post.

Someone will have to, OP.

[Anonymous]

As others have pointed put, time to be supportive of your living parent and stop being selfish. There is nothing wrong with him wanting some companionship and not wanting to be alone. Super immature of you to not want to even meet her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Without a doubt, I would want my father to be happy and not alone. Your mother is forever in his heart, and this is not a replacement for her. He will always love your mother. But he is still living and let him be happy.

My mom passed away a little over a year ago and my dad was her caregiver at the end. They had a great marriage and partnership. I hope my dad finds someone else. I feel terribly for him every time I visit because I think of how quiet the house must be when we leave. I would be concerned if he picks someone terrible, but he also picked my mom so I assume his judgment is good.

[Anonymous]

I want to add something here. This man is in his 70s, and the OP's Mom died in her 60s, which in my view, is young. How do people in their 30s and 40s envision life for themselves after 55? Is this just another symptom of ageism, where after a certain age life ceases to exist, that people as they age just have no relevancy, desires, interests, or purpose. Are they there to just still be someone's parent or are considered a burden or someone to be accommodated in some way. I mean, this is all pretty extreme. This person literally never considered that her father had any purpose or life after her mother died.
This speaks volumes in the face of so much Boomer bashing. This entire thread made me very depressed.
FWIW, my husband and I have had many conversations about what might happen if either of us died. We would want the other to live their life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the loss of your mother, to cancer no less, followed by your father dating another woman must be very traumatic to you. Tell him how you feel, maybe write a letter. He should consider your feelings and get your permission if he wants to date, since you’re his daughter and you are speaking for your mother too. She may not want your dad to date either. Six years, or six decades, love knows no timeline.

Holy crap, do not do this.

Look, speaking from experience here - no one will replace your mother, neither in your life nor your dad’s. Your mother will ALWAYS be the love of his life, the mother of his children, the woman who shared every life experience with him from early adulthood to their senior decades. That’s not a relationship that can be replaced.

But he can also have a person in his life now who can help make this stage of life enjoyable - a companion, someone to go to dinner with & talk to, to go on a trip with or take up golfing together. Don’t make him feel guilty for that.

This. Do you know how tough it can be to come home to an empty house every night? To turn on the TV and have nobody to watch with? To go for a morning walk and just be forced to listed to a podcast, instead of chatting with someone you care deeply about?

The people talking about "love of their lives" or even worse "f@ck buddies" are missing the point. He wants to someone to laugh with when a rerun of Cheers comes on, or someone to enter a doubles pickleball tournament with this.

This is about avoiding loneliness and having happy golden years.

FFS, OP, let your father have some happiness.

[Anonymous]

Life is for the living. Your reaction is super immature and you should apologize to your father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom passed away 6 years ago after a long battle with cancer. She was in her mid 60s. It’s still extremely heartbreaking to my family (me, my dad and my brother) and I miss her more than anything.

A few months ago, on a phone call with my dad (who is in his 70s now), he very casually mentioned that he felt like he was ready for some “companionship.” It took me completely by surprise as I couldn’t imagine my dad ever wanting to be with anyone after 40+ years of marriage with my mom. I voiced my surprise and confusion on the call and he didn’t bring it up again. A few months passed and he, again very casually, mentioned a childhood friend that he reconnected with. I also recently found out via another family member that they travel together and spend quite a bit of time together. Most recently, he brought her to a family function, which I must admit, was upsetting to hear.

I’m not sure how to process these emotions. Part of me feels like my dad is forgetting or replacing the 40 years he shared with my mom and her memory feels more and more distant. At the same time, I’m glad my dad isn’t completely alone because we don’t live near each other and I worry about him. Truth be told, I never want to meet this friend of his and I don’t want her to be a part of my life. I know she could never replace my mom. I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has navigated feeling this way or if I’m completely off base.

Are you single?
Are you envious of people who are happy?

[Anonymous]

Men always always find a new partner. They are not well conditioned to be alone it seems.

It’s best to not think of this new woman as a mother figure, but as a companion for your lonely father.

[Anonymous]

Oh geez. Get over yourself. He's so old and obviously lonely. You know he misses your mom. Let the man live. The new woman will never replace your mom. But, you need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the loss of your mother, to cancer no less, followed by your father dating another woman must be very traumatic to you. Tell him how you feel, maybe write a letter. He should consider your feelings and get your permission if he wants to date, since you’re his daughter and you are speaking for your mother too. She may not want your dad to date either. Six years, or six decades, love knows no timeline.

This is simply the worst advice I have ever read on DCUM.

OP is an adult, not a 12 year old. She has no say in her dad's romantic life. If anything, she should find a way to be outwardly happy for her dad while she works on her feelings privately or with a therapist.[b]

Mom is dead. She does not get to tell husband he can't date. Even the religious crazies agree that marriage ends at death. Furthermore, someone who truly and selflessly loved their spouse *would* want them to have companionship.

. But she will always be his daughter! Have some empathy for her feelings.

She is his daughter but she is no longer a child. I do have empathy for her feelings; that is why I suggested therapy.

[Anonymous]

My father died when I was 19 and my mom remarried years later, something I didn't think would happen as her father died when she was 5 and my grandmother never remarried. She remarried a widower and I am close to his kids and love how they can talk about the love and amazing families they build with their first spouses.

Put yourself in your father's shoes, being alone and knowing his daughter is a distance away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom passed away 6 years ago after a long battle with cancer. She was in her mid 60s. It’s still extremely heartbreaking to my family (me, my dad and my brother) and I miss her more than anything.

A few months ago, on a phone call with my dad (who is in his 70s now), he very casually mentioned that he felt like he was ready for some “companionship.” It took me completely by surprise as I couldn’t imagine my dad ever wanting to be with anyone after 40+ years of marriage with my mom. I voiced my surprise and confusion on the call and he didn’t bring it up again. A few months passed and he, again very casually, mentioned a childhood friend that he reconnected with. I also recently found out via another family member that they travel together and spend quite a bit of time together. Most recently, he brought her to a family function, which I must admit, was upsetting to hear.

I’m not sure how to process these emotions. Part of me feels like my dad is forgetting or replacing the 40 years he shared with my mom and her memory feels more and more distant. At the same time, I’m glad my dad isn’t completely alone because we don’t live near each other and I worry about him. Truth be told, I never want to meet this friend of his and I don’t want her to be a part of my life. I know she could never replace my mom. I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has navigated feeling this way or if I’m completely off base.

Your father is still alive and has every right to enjoy the time left to him. You are selfish and immature and your mother would be ashamed of you !

[Anonymous]

The thing OP is actually grieving is that as long as her father remains unattached to a new partner, her nuclear family still exists. A new partner upends the family unit, and, in her mind, maybe it never existed if he actually falls in love with another woman.
Of course, none of that is true, and a spouse has to go through a lot of grief and life reassessment before they move on to a new partner, and they do. Maybe if OP discusses this with her father, she can also understand this process.