Dad’s new “companion” after mom’s death

[Anonymous]

My dad died 3 years ago after a 3 year long health battle that basically left them homebound for 1.5 years. Unless someone was watching my dad, she couldn't leave him for more than a couple hours.

Personally, I'd be thrilled if she found some companionship. She has a great group of friends and mine and my brother's families visit often, but she's definitely a little lonely ans also jealous of friends who travel with their husbands or even just go out to dinner with them. I don't really care about an inheritance, I'd rather her be happy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly we were all happy after a few years that dad wanted companionship. Women keep men alive and healthier.

BUT: have a conversation about estates because my dad wanted wife #2 to become our mother 2.0/give her the family home etc (even though were in our 30s/40s) so we had to point out that mum's plans for the estate wasn't for it to go to some random woman. Luckily he seemed to understand that finally.

You are right that bringing up estate issues with a parent is an important topic to bring up. However, you must also understand that your parent still has agency (unless declared incompetent) and they still have the right to make their own choices.

Here's where you are wrong. You call your father's wife "some random woman" which is very disrespectful to her and your father. Would you like it if your spouse's family called you "some random" person? What about your mother - would it have been right if she had been referred to as "some random woman" when she married your father?

Most laws, religions and decent people show basic respect for a person's spouse. Whether it's their first or not. Why don't you do the same in this case. I do think you are very wrong in your attitude which comes across loud and clear in your post. You obviously don't like your father's wife and it comes across as "stepmother/SM" bigotry.

It was your father's mistake to think you should treat SM like a mother. SM may not have even known about his 2.0 request or disagreed and he did it anyway.

It is easy to set up a will/trust to leave assets so there is no mistake about who gets what. But as for the "family" home, that may be a different case. If your father and his wife are living in this house then they may be there for decades, depending on life expectancy. Do you really expect that if they live there for decades and your father passes, you would expect SM to pack up and get out of the home she's known for decades, because it's your "family" home?

Yet you seem to think it's perfectly fine for her to spend decades of her life caring for your father, keeping him "healthier and happy," being his companion & nurse, yet when she's an old widow it's perfectly fine to toss her out on her a$$ because, well you know, she's nothing but a stepmother.

Coming in at the twilight years of a lonely old man’s life to steal his and his late wife’s net worth compiled over decades from their kids and grandkids does make you a random. Not blood and never will be.

Your comment shows how truly ignorant, and misogynistic, you are. Most women who are currently in their 60s and 70s have worked for a good portion of their life, if not all of it. Many of them have their own social security, their own savings, their own retirement accounts and probably own their own properties. They are also educated enough to know about estate planning and setting up trusts. They are just as interested in protecting their assets as they are in any potential spouse/partner.

And "blood" doesn't mean people are honest or caring. There are countless stories of heartless adult children who discard their parents and only keep in touch to inquire about inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Troll. so many trolls on dcum lately.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

I would want my parent to have a companion. My mom is 84 and hasn’t had steady companionship since she and my father divorced 30 years ago. She has friends but is lonely for companionship. Let your father enjoy himself. When he gets to be in his 80’s, you’ll feel differently.

[Anonymous]

My husband and his sister were like you, OP, after their mother died. My FIL loved another 25 years. He was lonely. He was a social person who could have really benefitted from the companionship, but he deferred to the feelings of his kids. After he died, my husband recognized that he and his sister had been selfish and his father should have remarried or at least had a companion.

Your loss is not more important than your dad’s. Six years is a long time when you’re used to being with someone. You have a full life. Don’t you want the same for your dad?

[Anonymous]

* lived another 25 years. The point is he DIDN’T love!

[Anonymous]

Is he supposed to be alone until he passes away, too? What a lonely existence.

[Anonymous]

I’d never defer to my kids for this situation.

[Anonymous]

Zombie thread alert

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly we were all happy after a few years that dad wanted companionship. Women keep men alive and healthier.

BUT: have a conversation about estates because my dad wanted wife #2 to become our mother 2.0/give her the family home etc (even though were in our 30s/40s) so we had to point out that mum's plans for the estate wasn't for it to go to some random woman. Luckily he seemed to understand that finally.

You are right that bringing up estate issues with a parent is an important topic to bring up. However, you must also understand that your parent still has agency (unless declared incompetent) and they still have the right to make their own choices.

Here's where you are wrong. You call your father's wife "some random woman" which is very disrespectful to her and your father. Would you like it if your spouse's family called you "some random" person? What about your mother - would it have been right if she had been referred to as "some random woman" when she married your father?

Most laws, religions and decent people show basic respect for a person's spouse. Whether it's their first or not. Why don't you do the same in this case. I do think you are very wrong in your attitude which comes across loud and clear in your post. You obviously don't like your father's wife and it comes across as "stepmother/SM" bigotry.

It was your father's mistake to think you should treat SM like a mother. SM may not have even known about his 2.0 request or disagreed and he did it anyway.

It is easy to set up a will/trust to leave assets so there is no mistake about who gets what. But as for the "family" home, that may be a different case. If your father and his wife are living in this house then they may be there for decades, depending on life expectancy. Do you really expect that if they live there for decades and your father passes, you would expect SM to pack up and get out of the home she's known for decades, because it's your "family" home?

Yet you seem to think it's perfectly fine for her to spend decades of her life caring for your father, keeping him "healthier and happy," being his companion & nurse, yet when she's an old widow it's perfectly fine to toss her out on her a$$ because, well you know, she's nothing but a stepmother.

Coming in at the twilight years of a lonely old man’s life to steal his and his late wife’s net worth compiled over decades from their kids and grandkids does make you a random. Not blood and never will be.

Your comment shows how truly ignorant, and misogynistic, you are. Most women who are currently in their 60s and 70s have worked for a good portion of their life, if not all of it. Many of them have their own social security, their own savings, their own retirement accounts and probably own their own properties. They are also educated enough to know about estate planning and setting up trusts. They are just as interested in protecting their assets as they are in any potential spouse/partner.

And "blood" doesn't mean people are honest or caring. There are countless stories of heartless adult children who discard their parents and only keep in touch to inquire about inheritance.

The educated women with their own assets and money aren’t the ones latching onto second marriages.

[Anonymous]

I am the other woman. The woman who connected with a man whose wife had been passed away for six years. I have no children. He had two grown adult daughters. We truly loved each other. We were together every day. We ate together. We spent time hanging out together. I did so many things for him; cooking, cleaning, going to doctors appointments and so on. Everything I did was done out of love for him. After 15 years together he passed away. His family tried to erase the last 15 years of his life at the visitation and the funeral. It honestly was like they buried their mother again on the day of their father’s funeral. Yes, the children were happy that they went on with their lives and they never had to do anything for their father. But they were very rude and so disrespectful to me. I still miss my loving, faithful friend and I always will. I will never forgive these adult children of his.

[Anonymous]

Think it's great your father has moved on.
Allow him that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the other woman. The woman who connected with a man whose wife had been passed away for six years. I have no children. He had two grown adult daughters. We truly loved each other. We were together every day. We ate together. We spent time hanging out together. I did so many things for him; cooking, cleaning, going to doctors appointments and so on. Everything I did was done out of love for him. After 15 years together he passed away. His family tried to erase the last 15 years of his life at the visitation and the funeral. It honestly was like they buried their mother again on the day of their father’s funeral. Yes, the children were happy that they went on with their lives and they never had to do anything for their father. But they were very rude and so disrespectful to me. I still miss my loving, faithful friend and I always will. I will never forgive these adult children of his.

Sorry you had this experience, which unfortunately is too common whether you were in long-term committed relationship like you were or even if married if you are not original/first wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those situations where you parent yourself and remind yourself all feelings are valid, all behaviors are not. Despite the snark on here I’m sure every poster can understand it is hard to hear about a new woman - it’s a reminder your mom is gone, that time moves forward, that your dad is a human separate from “dad/husband” and lots of other knee jerk feelings bc it pokes at your pain

However while you’re human and have emotion driven vs logic driven feelings (that’s the nature of feelings) things like refusing to meet the woman which punishes your dad unfairly and will damage your relationship and is a bid at controlling your dad and even things like putting “companion” in snark quotes like she’s not a real person and companion isn’t a real and important role are behaviors you need to stomp out, just like you’d expect your own child to stop impulse behaviors. Get therapy to do that if needed

Not all feelings are valid, pp. We need to stop with that fiction.

NP - feelings are real to the people feeling them. You have to acknowledge that before you can help people tolerate them and reappraise associated thoughts. Digging in about "objective truth" and insisting people are "wrong" to feel a certain way is useless.