DS14 said something very rude and ungrateful during the holidays and I still don’t know if we handle it well

[Anonymous]

I honestly don't understand why everyone is giving mom & dad a pass.

The 529 contribution is a gift to THEM!

They are angry because they think FIL will stop giving THEM money.

The parents have apparently made it clear to the kid over-and-over that FIL gives THEM $$$s every year that goes into a college account. Why have they mentioned this? Because they are so fearful the money train will end.

Kid was rude, OP said he apologized already. The only reason OP is making this such a huge deal is because of the $$$s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh I’d lay in hard to that one (sounds like you are). If you think DS still doesn’t fully get it, I would take him out with just you and DH for a Serious Discussion. Not a punishment, since you’ve already done that and teens can have reactive “I’m right, they’re wrong” reactions to punishments. Go to a coffee shop, order him a hot cocoa, then tell him you and DH wanted some time with him, now that you’ve had some time to reflect, to talk about what went on with Grandpa.

Together, tell him that it’s been weighing on your mind since and you’re trying to understand why he would say something so hurtful and ungrateful. Hear him out. Dont be angry - act sad, and seeking to understand. Then tell him how it made you feel: extremely disappointed in him, embarrassed that your child would so rudely react to ANY gift, and sad for grandpa who has given more than he has any obligation to give. Empathize with him that yes, it’s not that tangible a gift at the moment, but be clear that the proper reaction to any gift is a heartfelt “thank you.” See if you can get him to see from your perspective, and grandpas, how he came across. Talk about the great, kind person you see him as and your worries about the entitled, self-centered person you saw in that comment. Leave awkward silences and time to reflect - let him be uncomfortable. Finish by saying you love him and hope he will think hard about what you shared.

I’d also start looking out for opportunities to call out ungrateful, entitled behavior - not his, but examples you see around you.

Talk about overkill… How To Create A Snowflake 101

[Anonymous]

If his reaction was out of character lead with that - how you were disappointed and surprised by his reaction. What was the root cause? His moodiness, feeling unrecognized? Discuss what would be a good way for him to make amends. It should be addressed and then move on.

I don’t think most teens appreciate the value of something abstract like a college fund. Maybe you can start having broader conversations around money and value of things important to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have this all wrong. That the kids grandfather is fully funding his college is completely irrelevant. No matter what gift the grandfather gives them, even if it’s just a card, a “good kid“ says thank you. That’s it. Your kid should have his ass kicked. I would absolutely kill my kid for this. I’m not kidding. And it would have nothing to do with the college fund.

+1 on this - Not everyone (child, teen or adult) is thrilled with every gift but it's rude to show that in any way to the recipient. It doesn't matter that there is a college fund and that's the gift. This is from someone's whose parents didn't pay for my and won't be paying for my children's college. That has nothing to do with me feeling grateful to them.

[Anonymous]

Agree that this has zero to do with the college fund. He was given something by a grandparent and his reaction was completely bratty, disgusting, and socially inappropriate. At 14, it doesn't matter if you are sleep deprived or "being a teen." I wouldn't accept that excuse from an 8-year-old. You can perhaps inadequately hide disappointment, but to be actively rude and make sarcastic comments about the gift? No no and no. Shocking.

And to the people saying all teens make rude comments, yes they do, but it very much depends on who. Being rude to your parents or siblings is much different than being rude to a grandparent or an adult outside the home. I would be mortified and tear my kid a new one. My own parents tolerated some degree of snark and backtalk from us in the privacy of the home, but if we ever embarrassed them in public or treated extended family or another adult like that, we would have been verbally chewed to bits and severely punished. I'm trying to fathom ever speaking to my grandparents in such a way and it's making me shudder. He can think whatever he wants in his own head but the problem here is terrible manners and social skills that need immediate correction, not the 529.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand why everyone is giving mom & dad a pass.

The 529 contribution is a gift to THEM!

They are angry because they think FIL will stop giving THEM money.

The parents have apparently made it clear to the kid over-and-over that FIL gives THEM $$$s every year that goes into a college account. Why have they mentioned this? Because they are so fearful the money train will end.

Kid was rude, OP said he apologized already. The only reason OP is making this such a huge deal is because of the $$$s.

I disagree in this case. A 529 is a gift to the son and the siblings, not just to the parents. Money is fungible and it allows the whole family to use their resources efficiently to meet needs and wants. OP’s son is obviously benefitting from his parent’s financial resources. If the kids were living a frugal life and OP and her husband were keeping their own money for themselves, I’d feel differently. Now $35k in 529’s can be transferred to a Roth IRA. So the son will benefit from his grandfather’s gift regardless if he attends college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand why everyone is giving mom & dad a pass.

The 529 contribution is a gift to THEM!

They are angry because they think FIL will stop giving THEM money.

The parents have apparently made it clear to the kid over-and-over that FIL gives THEM $$$s every year that goes into a college account. Why have they mentioned this? Because they are so fearful the money train will end.

Kid was rude, OP said he apologized already. The only reason OP is making this such a huge deal is because of the $$$s.

I disagree in this case. A 529 is a gift to the son and the siblings, not just to the parents. Money is fungible and it allows the whole family to use their resources efficiently to meet needs and wants. OP’s son is obviously benefitting from his parent’s financial resources. If the kids were living a frugal life and OP and her husband were keeping their own money for themselves, I’d feel differently. Now $35k in 529’s can be transferred to a Roth IRA. So the son will benefit from his grandfather’s gift regardless if he attends college.

Yes, definitely lead with “money is fungible” op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand why everyone is giving mom & dad a pass.

The 529 contribution is a gift to THEM!

They are angry because they think FIL will stop giving THEM money.

The parents have apparently made it clear to the kid over-and-over that FIL gives THEM $$$s every year that goes into a college account. Why have they mentioned this? Because they are so fearful the money train will end.

Kid was rude, OP said he apologized already. The only reason OP is making this such a huge deal is because of the $$$s.

I disagree in this case. A 529 is a gift to the son and the siblings, not just to the parents. Money is fungible and it allows the whole family to use their resources efficiently to meet needs and wants. OP’s son is obviously benefitting from his parent’s financial resources. If the kids were living a frugal life and OP and her husband were keeping their own money for themselves, I’d feel differently. Now $35k in 529’s can be transferred to a Roth IRA. So the son will benefit from his grandfather’s gift regardless if he attends college.

I get that…but it’s freeing up a ton of money the parents can now use for their own savings and retirement.

The vast majority is indirectly going to them…if the FIL wasn’t contributing, they would be on the hook.

[Anonymous]

Even if all his grandfather ever gave him was a card, with no gift or savings account, that was an incredibly rude thing to say. And to speak that way to an elder relative is so disrespectful. Your poor FIL.

Ask your son why some random gift is more important than his grandfather’s feelings or the relationship they have. Make sure he sees how rude and hurtful that was. And he needs to make it right with your FIL.

[Anonymous]

Did your DS get anyone anything for the holidays? Specifically the grandfather?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree that this has zero to do with the college fund. He was given something by a grandparent and his reaction was completely bratty, disgusting, and socially inappropriate. At 14, it doesn't matter if you are sleep deprived or "being a teen." I wouldn't accept that excuse from an 8-year-old. You can perhaps inadequately hide disappointment, but to be actively rude and make sarcastic comments about the gift? No no and no. Shocking.

And to the people saying all teens make rude comments, yes they do, but it very much depends on who. Being rude to your parents or siblings is much different than being rude to a grandparent or an adult outside the home. I would be mortified and tear my kid a new one. My own parents tolerated some degree of snark and backtalk from us in the privacy of the home, but if we ever embarrassed them in public or treated extended family or another adult like that, we would have been verbally chewed to bits and severely punished. I'm trying to fathom ever speaking to my grandparents in such a way and it's making me shudder. He can think whatever he wants in his own head but the problem here is terrible manners and social skills that need immediate correction, not the 529.

Thank you you said it better than I did well done

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand why everyone is giving mom & dad a pass.

The 529 contribution is a gift to THEM!

They are angry because they think FIL will stop giving THEM money.

The parents have apparently made it clear to the kid over-and-over that FIL gives THEM $$$s every year that goes into a college account. Why have they mentioned this? Because they are so fearful the money train will end.

Kid was rude, OP said he apologized already. The only reason OP is making this such a huge deal is because of the $$$s.

I disagree in this case. A 529 is a gift to the son and the siblings, not just to the parents. Money is fungible and it allows the whole family to use their resources efficiently to meet needs and wants. OP’s son is obviously benefitting from his parent’s financial resources. If the kids were living a frugal life and OP and her husband were keeping their own money for themselves, I’d feel differently. Now $35k in 529’s can be transferred to a Roth IRA. So the son will benefit from his grandfather’s gift regardless if he attends college.

I get that…but it’s freeing up a ton of money the parents can now use for their own savings and retirement.

The vast majority is indirectly going to them…if the FIL wasn’t contributing, they would be on the hook.

Chances are that the son will go to college and perhaps education beyond that so the vast majority will be spent on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand why everyone is giving mom & dad a pass.

The 529 contribution is a gift to THEM!

They are angry because they think FIL will stop giving THEM money.

The parents have apparently made it clear to the kid over-and-over that FIL gives THEM $$$s every year that goes into a college account. Why have they mentioned this? Because they are so fearful the money train will end.

Kid was rude, OP said he apologized already. The only reason OP is making this such a huge deal is because of the $$$s.

I disagree in this case. A 529 is a gift to the son and the siblings, not just to the parents. Money is fungible and it allows the whole family to use their resources efficiently to meet needs and wants. OP’s son is obviously benefitting from his parent’s financial resources. If the kids were living a frugal life and OP and her husband were keeping their own money for themselves, I’d feel differently. Now $35k in 529’s can be transferred to a Roth IRA. So the son will benefit from his grandfather’s gift regardless if he attends college.

I get that…but it’s freeing up a ton of money the parents can now use for their own savings and retirement.

The vast majority is indirectly going to them…if the FIL wasn’t contributing, they would be on the hook.

Chances are that the son will go to college and perhaps education beyond that so the vast majority will be spent on him.

Yes, but the parents aren’t paying…FIL is paying…so they are massively benefiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand why everyone is giving mom & dad a pass.

The 529 contribution is a gift to THEM!

They are angry because they think FIL will stop giving THEM money.

The parents have apparently made it clear to the kid over-and-over that FIL gives THEM $$$s every year that goes into a college account. Why have they mentioned this? Because they are so fearful the money train will end.

Kid was rude, OP said he apologized already. The only reason OP is making this such a huge deal is because of the $$$s.

I disagree in this case. A 529 is a gift to the son and the siblings, not just to the parents. Money is fungible and it allows the whole family to use their resources efficiently to meet needs and wants. OP’s son is obviously benefitting from his parent’s financial resources. If the kids were living a frugal life and OP and her husband were keeping their own money for themselves, I’d feel differently. Now $35k in 529’s can be transferred to a Roth IRA. So the son will benefit from his grandfather’s gift regardless if he attends college.

I get that…but it’s freeing up a ton of money the parents can now use for their own savings and retirement.

The vast majority is indirectly going to them…if the FIL wasn’t contributing, they would be on the hook.

Chances are that the son will go to college and perhaps education beyond that so the vast majority will be spent on him.

Yes, but the parents aren’t paying…FIL is paying…so they are massively benefiting.

But the accounts were set up when the children were babies when OP and her husband were not sure they could fund college for all their children. FIL asked what form his gifts should take and the parents suggested 529 contributions. Many parents do not pay for college, as other pps have mentioned, because they cannot or do not consider it their responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand why everyone is giving mom & dad a pass.

The 529 contribution is a gift to THEM!

They are angry because they think FIL will stop giving THEM money.

The parents have apparently made it clear to the kid over-and-over that FIL gives THEM $$$s every year that goes into a college account. Why have they mentioned this? Because they are so fearful the money train will end.

Kid was rude, OP said he apologized already. The only reason OP is making this such a huge deal is because of the $$$s.

I disagree in this case. A 529 is a gift to the son and the siblings, not just to the parents. Money is fungible and it allows the whole family to use their resources efficiently to meet needs and wants. OP’s son is obviously benefitting from his parent’s financial resources. If the kids were living a frugal life and OP and her husband were keeping their own money for themselves, I’d feel differently. Now $35k in 529’s can be transferred to a Roth IRA. So the son will benefit from his grandfather’s gift regardless if he attends college.

I get that…but it’s freeing up a ton of money the parents can now use for their own savings and retirement.

The vast majority is indirectly going to them…if the FIL wasn’t contributing, they would be on the hook.

Chances are that the son will go to college and perhaps education beyond that so the vast majority will be spent on him.

Yes, but the parents aren’t paying…FIL is paying…so they are massively benefiting.

But the accounts were set up when the children were babies when OP and her husband were not sure they could fund college for all their children. FIL asked what form his gifts should take and the parents suggested 529 contributions. Many parents do not pay for college, as other pps have mentioned, because they cannot or do not consider it their responsibility.

Certainly not in the DMV and not the DCUM demographic.