DS14 said something very rude and ungrateful during the holidays and I still don’t know if we handle it well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s weird your FIL doesn’t understand the kids woukd like something tangible at Xmas.

How hard would it be to put in a $25 or $50 amazon card.

Hey kids I’ve made more contributions to your college fund for your future. I know you wont need that till you’re 18. So please buy yourself something fun from Amazon too.

Just hold back $50 bucks contribution and get gift cards. That’s a much nicer thing to do and the kids look forward to their Amazon gifts too.

You’re the problem

Since we have all established that the kid was rude and ungrateful, it is not wrong to also posit that the grandfather is kind of a d!ck. Every birthday and Christmas, he gets to remind his grandkids that he is the kindly benefactor and dismiss the joy of gift giving in these situations. The PP's suggestion is what I would do--put a little less in the 529s so the grandkids could have real, tangible memories and mementos of me throughout their lives---not just one big gift at the end.

This really seems like a control issue from the grandfather and I would bet MY kid's 529 he is not a great grandparent otherwise and there are lots of other issues.

Wow. I mean really. The dude has funded THREE college educations and you’re calling him a d!ck for not giving the kids some Amazon crap so they have something to open- when, presumably, they already opened LOTS of presents from their parents. I’m actually baffled by this take. It’s not even that he’s given them money for a college education- he has given them the ability to buy a home, have kids, take on more interesting jobs because they won’t have the burden of paying back student loans with compounding interest. do I expect a kid of 14 to grasp that- no. But the fact that you, an adult, ALSO don’t - wow. You’re clueless.

I don't think the PP is clueless. She's just an immature adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s weird your FIL doesn’t understand the kids woukd like something tangible at Xmas.

How hard would it be to put in a $25 or $50 amazon card.

Hey kids I’ve made more contributions to your college fund for your future. I know you wont need that till you’re 18. So please buy yourself something fun from Amazon too.

Just hold back $50 bucks contribution and get gift cards. That’s a much nicer thing to do and the kids look forward to their Amazon gifts too.

You’re the problem

Since we have all established that the kid was rude and ungrateful, it is not wrong to also posit that the grandfather is kind of a d!ck. Every birthday and Christmas, he gets to remind his grandkids that he is the kindly benefactor and dismiss the joy of gift giving in these situations. The PP's suggestion is what I would do--put a little less in the 529s so the grandkids could have real, tangible memories and mementos of me throughout their lives---not just one big gift at the end.

This really seems like a control issue from the grandfather and I would bet MY kid's 529 he is not a great grandparent otherwise and there are lots of other issues.

I totally agree. If it was my kid, I would have, well before it got to this point, let the kid know that this is what was going on. I also would clearly communicate that everyone has their baggage and I the grandfathers actions probably come from a place of insecurity, and we still need to be kind and grateful for any gift even if it has interior motives. Kids are going to encounter lots of people and situations like this and I think we should teach them how to manage and love others no matter what, especially family. But it seems like a lot of people just expect this kid to play pretend which I don’t think is reasonable. Adolescents aren’t stupid.

I think if I was OP I would a) teach the kid about wealth inequality and unearned privilege (sorry I know DCUM people hate thar word but it fits) b) talk to him about how even imperfect people deserve our love and kindness and suggest he write an apology letter and do something nice for the grandpa, like mow his lawn or bake him cookies (but I’d want it to be sincere) c) hold firm on the punishments already given.

Ha ha ha you people are just too much. You really are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s weird your FIL doesn’t understand the kids woukd like something tangible at Xmas.

How hard would it be to put in a $25 or $50 amazon card.

Hey kids I’ve made more contributions to your college fund for your future. I know you wont need that till you’re 18. So please buy yourself something fun from Amazon too.

Just hold back $50 bucks contribution and get gift cards. That’s a much nicer thing to do and the kids look forward to their Amazon gifts too.

You’re the problem

Since we have all established that the kid was rude and ungrateful, it is not wrong to also posit that the grandfather is kind of a d!ck. Every birthday and Christmas, he gets to remind his grandkids that he is the kindly benefactor and dismiss the joy of gift giving in these situations. The PP's suggestion is what I would do--put a little less in the 529s so the grandkids could have real, tangible memories and mementos of me throughout their lives---not just one big gift at the end.

This really seems like a control issue from the grandfather and I would bet MY kid's 529 he is not a great grandparent otherwise and there are lots of other issues.

Wow. I mean really. The dude has funded THREE college educations and you’re calling him a d!ck for not giving the kids some Amazon crap so they have something to open- when, presumably, they already opened LOTS of presents from their parents. I’m actually baffled by this take. It’s not even that he’s given them money for a college education- he has given them the ability to buy a home, have kids, take on more interesting jobs because they won’t have the burden of paying back student loans with compounding interest. do I expect a kid of 14 to grasp that- no. But the fact that you, an adult, ALSO don’t - wow. You’re clueless.

I don't think the PP is clueless. She's just an immature adult.

You’re right because I can’t imagine my FIL paying for all 3 of my kids to go to college and the financial freedom that gave them AND US and calling him a d!ck because he didn’t give my kid a wrapped present too. Stunning.

[Anonymous]

1. The child was extremely rude 2. Funding college for a grandchild is beyond generous and amazing. 3. Not giving a personal gift to a child is odd. I think all these things are true at once. The child reacted to 3. with 1., because it's outside social norms and very cold to do this and he blurted his frustration at this happening every year right out. At his age, he should know that the polite, non-entitled thing to do is to not express that feeling, especially given 2.

[Anonymous]

No doubt the kid was an insufferable brat and extremely rude but I swear people are being harder on him/more dire predictions about his character and future than in some threads where a teen killed someone drunk driving.

[Anonymous]

OP—is the account controlled by you? Have you actually seen statements? Is it an actual 529 or some bank account controlled by your FIL?

Is the kid allowed to be pissed off when he finds out the money isn’t actually there and he’s looking at community college because his grandfather lied and his parents are irresponsible?

Not to be harsh, but I’ve heard of this happening so many times and it’s always the grandparents who make a big show of their contributions and talk endlessly about how they are going to pay for college.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the whole thread, but OP your kid is in 8th or 9th grade? Not to soon to have him researching colleges AND costs. Maybe make him do a powerpoint to you were he's researched schools he might be interested and a breakdown of costs to attend? At least teh start of a discussion of what a big deal this gift actually is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the whole thread, but OP your kid is in 8th or 9th grade? Not to soon to have him researching colleges AND costs. Maybe make him do a powerpoint to you were he's researched schools he might be interested and a breakdown of costs to attend? At least teh start of a discussion of what a big deal this gift actually is?

Again this is f**king DCUM. Parents are expected to pay for their kid's college on DCUM. The f**king gift is to the parents that no longer have to pay.

Go spend 2 seconds on the College and University threads of this very message board.

[Anonymous]

Didn't read the comments but I have a same aged kid and you have two separate issues here.

1.) Make sure grandpa knows that YOU and DH are grateful and embarrassed that he did nothing wrong and that you will address this. Overcompensate here on the message. Your FIL sounds very kind.

2.) Figure out (which I assume you know) if your son was having a bad day and is genuinely remorseful or if you have a jerk on your hands. There is time to address this, but not much. If he is remorseful and understand he will show this. If he doesn't, hoo boy, you've got work to do. If he was having a bad day you need to figure out a way to have him make things whole again. I don't know what that is, but I am guess your your son is in for some lifestyle adjustments, vis a vis your parenting approaches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s weird your FIL doesn’t understand the kids woukd like something tangible at Xmas.

How hard would it be to put in a $25 or $50 amazon card.

Hey kids I’ve made more contributions to your college fund for your future. I know you wont need that till you’re 18. So please buy yourself something fun from Amazon too.

Just hold back $50 bucks contribution and get gift cards. That’s a much nicer thing to do and the kids look forward to their Amazon gifts too.

You’re the problem

Since we have all established that the kid was rude and ungrateful, it is not wrong to also posit that the grandfather is kind of a d!ck. Every birthday and Christmas, he gets to remind his grandkids that he is the kindly benefactor and dismiss the joy of gift giving in these situations. The PP's suggestion is what I would do--put a little less in the 529s so the grandkids could have real, tangible memories and mementos of me throughout their lives---not just one big gift at the end.

This really seems like a control issue from the grandfather and I would bet MY kid's 529 he is not a great grandparent otherwise and there are lots of other issues.

This is...not the right take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll play Devil's advocate for a moment and ask if your son sees college as a gift to him vs. a gift to you. In other words, are you in social circles where kids expect that parents will handle college finances? DH and I paid for our own college but now are very privileged and have accounts set up for our kids. We've hinted to both our parents that rather than lavish gifts for the kids they could put money aside in their 529s. Both sets of grandparents have told our kids that their college is their parents' responsibility. Maybe, in addition to discussing how rude your kid is, talk about how it is a gift to all of you and what you're able to do as a family since you don't have to scrimp to pay for college. Make it more tangible.

I think the important factor is that the Grandfather sees the 529 contribution as a gift to the Grandson - hence the empty card at Christmas.

Grandson doesn't get to say "that's not the gift I want" - he needs to say thank you and move on. Grandson needs to write an apology letter to Grandpa and acknowledge the gift he receives every year from Grandpa - the card and the 529 contribution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s weird your FIL doesn’t understand the kids woukd like something tangible at Xmas.

How hard would it be to put in a $25 or $50 amazon card.

Hey kids I’ve made more contributions to your college fund for your future. I know you wont need that till you’re 18. So please buy yourself something fun from Amazon too.

Just hold back $50 bucks contribution and get gift cards. That’s a much nicer thing to do and the kids look forward to their Amazon gifts too.

Agree but the kid has no manners. He might have even scoffed at $50.

I don't think so. The kid was set up to fail. One off event does not make him a bad person.

Seriously, who gets excited with a blank card. My mom will send a “love mom” card. It takes literally zero effort. Why even bother?

This. Cards are dumb.

Ok, and? Some of my relatives are notoriously bad gift givers. My kids have no use for the, uh...stuff, that they get. (Probably equal in monetary value to a blank card.) Doesn't matter, they smile and say thank you...because they were not raised in a barn. I'm not even saying that OP's kid is a bad kid -- I get it, teens say stupid, foot-in-mouth stuff all the time (mine are no different), but it WAS a dumb, ungrateful thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS14 (overall) is a good kid. He’s motivated at school, in sports and at home. We don’t have major issues with bad attitudes or laziness. He’s fairly responsible for a teenage boy and we really only have to interfere seldomly.

My in-laws are divorced and we usually spend Christmas with my FIL in late December. He (FIL) is a good man. He’s not the super affectionate type but he loves our kids. He is genuinely interested in who they are as people and has always spoken to them like they were unique individuals.

For all three of our kids he has a college savings fund he started for them when they were babies. At 14 DS already has enough money in his college savings to attend any university he desired and was able to get into. He’s been told about this account for years and know it’s a privilege many kids do not get. Because my FIL ours so much $$$$ into the account every year he doesn’t do Christmas or birthday gifts. Just a card.

This has never been anything my kids ever brought up until DS decided to make an incredibly rude (and out of character) remark in front of his Grandfather when given the card.

He kind of was grumpy the entire day due to staying up the night before. He wasn’t thrilled about going to visit FIl but didn’t protest too much.

We had a good time and after eating FIL handed all of our kids their Christmas card and DS goes, “let me guess, another empty card.”

DH immediately snapped at him and told him that was rude. Then I explained how grateful he’ll be when he is able to graduate college without student loan debt.

DS responded, “oh yeah, so grateful for a gift I didn’t ever ask for.”

DH got angry and asked him to step outside. I apologies to FIL who was put off by the comment. DH had discussion about gratefulness and then we decided to ground him from one of his big gifts (gaming computer) for this month in hopes the absence of the gift would teach him a lesson but I’m not sure it is. He apologized to his Grandfather but I don’t think he understands how rude the comment was or how big of a deal it is his grandfather does this for him.

I know he’s only 14 but his siblings are younger and we’re very genuinely outwardly grateful. I feel like they didn’t have any expectations for gifts even if they also don’t fully understand the gravity of this account.

Any ideas on what would be an appropriate consequence? How to get the lesson through his head?

Just curious what did your son get your FIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are very wealthy and he’s entitled. You need to teach him about money. My parents have money and no gift and no college fund. They know to keep those comments to us only.

We are not very wealthy, at least by DCUM standards. We aren’t struggling but would not be able to afford to send all three kids to college without digging into our savings and retirement.

My FIL is well off and was able to do this, but not enough where it’s like a drop in the bucket for him to be able to afford this.

We are all very thankful. We have not raised our kids to be entitled or expect more than they are given. None of our kids have shown this level of disrespect and ungratefulness until this incident.

Like I said, it was out of character.

Well obviously you HAVE raised an entitled kid and now you know. What an ungrateful brat. He will struggle when he enters the real world some day.

Do you think that every wrong thing a child does is reflective of how they are going to be when they grow up? Do you think a toddler who hits a sibling will turn into a violent adult?

He is 14, not a toddler.

Do any of you actually have teenagers? Teenagers lash out, they are filled with hormones and are learning how to express themselves appropriate. Previously kind and well behaved kids turn into monsters. Seriously, if my kid said that to me, I would have just said, "You got that right" and moved on. He is regretful; the part of their brain that slows down and filters reactions is still developing. When he is calm, you have a convo and then move on.

[Anonymous]

Your kid is spoiled:

DH had discussion about gratefulness and then we decided to ground him from one of his big gifts (gaming computer) for this month in hopes the absence of the gift would teach him a lesson but I’m not sure it is.

———

How many big gifts did your kid get?!?