DS14 said something very rude and ungrateful during the holidays and I still don’t know if we handle it well

[Anonymous]

Op I would have been livid.
My father does the same only its $500/year to their college funds. My kids from an early age understood and at 14, he’s definitely old enough.
I think taking away his Christmas gift for a month is appropriate. I would also try to get him out of his bubble. Make him flip burgers, or volunteer at a soup kitchen or find something to wake him up. We were able to do this through our church and some through school projects.

[Anonymous]

This is one of my biggest fears of giving my kids affluenza. Your kid has it bad op. First of all he’s not entitled to any present second of all he doesn’t appreciate what FIL has given him. I would stage a pretty big intervention. Probably would make him get a ‘job’ for a month to earn back all electronics which he loses immediately including phone! Job could be volunteer or real. Maybe he should volunteer at a senior center or nursing home. But this requires a very serious redirection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand why everyone is giving mom & dad a pass.

The 529 contribution is a gift to THEM!

They are angry because they think FIL will stop giving THEM money.

The parents have apparently made it clear to the kid over-and-over that FIL gives THEM $$$s every year that goes into a college account. Why have they mentioned this? Because they are so fearful the money train will end.

Kid was rude, OP said he apologized already. The only reason OP is making this such a huge deal is because of the $$$s.

I disagree in this case. A 529 is a gift to the son and the siblings, not just to the parents. Money is fungible and it allows the whole family to use their resources efficiently to meet needs and wants. OP’s son is obviously benefitting from his parent’s financial resources. If the kids were living a frugal life and OP and her husband were keeping their own money for themselves, I’d feel differently. Now $35k in 529’s can be transferred to a Roth IRA. So the son will benefit from his grandfather’s gift regardless if he attends college.

I get that…but it’s freeing up a ton of money the parents can now use for their own savings and retirement.

The vast majority is indirectly going to them…if the FIL wasn’t contributing, they would be on the hook.

This exactly! OP even said the college $ would have had to come from their retirement.

So, basically, the kid was getting college either way. Under the OP’s way, grandpa’s gift is going straight into her pocket and the kid has to be grateful.

This is kind of right. My grandmother gave us the $10,000 a year for Christmas each year. It’s really a gift to the parents who don’t have to fork over a penny for their kids’ college. It’s a huge gift to them, not to the kid. Of course he should say thank you and be grateful, but it’s not really a gift to the kid.

I disagree, parents paying for college is not a right or necessity. If they’re willing to do so, that’s awesome. But it’s (today at least) not at all the norm. You either earn merit aid, get scholarships, or take out loans. That is the norm.

However if the kid knows that either Grandpa is going to pay, or Mom and Dad will… then yeah. I can actually understand even moreso how that logic of “this is a gift to my parents” would be rational for the kid to think.

Ummm..depends on your bubble. It is the norm in our bubble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It’s weird your FIL doesn’t understand the kids woukd like something tangible at Xmas.

How hard would it be to put in a $25 or $50 amazon card.

Hey kids I’ve made more contributions to your college fund for your future. I know you wont need that till you’re 18. So please buy yourself something fun from Amazon too.

Just hold back $50 bucks contribution and get gift cards. That’s a much nicer thing to do and the kids look forward to their Amazon gifts too.

Agree but the kid has no manners. He might have even scoffed at $50.

DP. There's no reason to think that based on what was described. It's very strange to give a teenager an empty card. Very. I'm not saying the kid handled it well. But the adults here didn't, either. And I expect more from them.

Gifts are just that—gifts. FIL could have given them diddly-squat and it wouldn’t be “strange”.

The simple reality is that it isn't irrational, nor does it make you a bad person, to expect Christmas gifts from close family members, assuming you celebrate Christmas. A college find contribution isn't a conventional gift. It would be like the grandfather giving his adult child a cash gift with a stipulation that it needed to be deposited in an IRA. He could do that, and it would be generous. But it would also be weird.

If you do weird things, then you're going to sometimes get weird, and perhaps even inappropriate, reactions.

It’s 3 or 4 years away from paying off for this kid. Not 50

So you seem to agree it's weird to give gifts with stipulations and delayed enjoyment. But you think this case should bother someone less because you don't want to think about what it would feel like to the recipient.

Again, don't get me wrong, the reaction of the kid wasn't good. But was entirely understandable and predictable. And that one reaction doesn't make him a bad person.

Delayed gratification is one of the best things people can learn in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s weird your FIL doesn’t understand the kids woukd like something tangible at Xmas.

How hard would it be to put in a $25 or $50 amazon card.

Hey kids I’ve made more contributions to your college fund for your future. I know you wont need that till you’re 18. So please buy yourself something fun from Amazon too.

Just hold back $50 bucks contribution and get gift cards. That’s a much nicer thing to do and the kids look forward to their Amazon gifts too.

You’re the problem

[Anonymous]

That we are now on page 12 and there is no consensus that the kid is an ungrateful little shit - or at least he was that day - and that the college fund is completely irrelevant is astonishing to me. I guess it shouldn’t be, though, since this is DCUM. You people truly do not know how to parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are very wealthy and he’s entitled. You need to teach him about money. My parents have money and no gift and no college fund. They know to keep those comments to us only.

We are not very wealthy, at least by DCUM standards. We aren’t struggling but would not be able to afford to send all three kids to college without digging into our savings and retirement.

My FIL is well off and was able to do this, but not enough where it’s like a drop in the bucket for him to be able to afford this.

We are all very thankful. We have not raised our kids to be entitled or expect more than they are given. None of our kids have shown this level of disrespect and ungratefulness until this incident.

Like I said, it was out of character.

Well obviously you HAVE raised an entitled kid and now you know. What an ungrateful brat. He will struggle when he enters the real world some day.

Do you think that every wrong thing a child does is reflective of how they are going to be when they grow up? Do you think a toddler who hits a sibling will turn into a violent adult?

He is 14, not a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s weird your FIL doesn’t understand the kids woukd like something tangible at Xmas.

How hard would it be to put in a $25 or $50 amazon card.

Hey kids I’ve made more contributions to your college fund for your future. I know you wont need that till you’re 18. So please buy yourself something fun from Amazon too.

Just hold back $50 bucks contribution and get gift cards. That’s a much nicer thing to do and the kids look forward to their Amazon gifts too.

You’re the problem

Since we have all established that the kid was rude and ungrateful, it is not wrong to also posit that the grandfather is kind of a d!ck. Every birthday and Christmas, he gets to remind his grandkids that he is the kindly benefactor and dismiss the joy of gift giving in these situations. The PP's suggestion is what I would do--put a little less in the 529s so the grandkids could have real, tangible memories and mementos of me throughout their lives---not just one big gift at the end.

This really seems like a control issue from the grandfather and I would bet MY kid's 529 he is not a great grandparent otherwise and there are lots of other issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP he is a spoiled brat.

I do not believe he is generally a nice kid.

This was not a one off.

My kid would have gotten no gifts that year.

A month from gaming equipment is absurd. Grounding does nothing.

Tell him you donated the college funds.

If he gets allowance he would not get it any more. He is old enough to walk dogs for cash, but I would be dammed if I gave that brat anything.

You would go way overboard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I would have been livid.
My father does the same only its $500/year to their college funds. My kids from an early age understood and at 14, he’s definitely old enough.
I think taking away his Christmas gift for a month is appropriate. I would also try to get him out of his bubble. Make him flip burgers, or volunteer at a soup kitchen or find something to wake him up. We were able to do this through our church and some through school projects.

Please do not make a kid with this attitude “volunteer at a soup kitchen.” I see this suggestion a lot and it’s not helpful because it positions people in a position of vulnerability as a self-reflection tool for spoiled kids. OP’s son DOES need to learn better manners and emotional regulation and some good old fashioned work where he can see what the return of money for your labor looks like but he doesn’t need to be shown less fortunate people so he can feel better about his own good fortune.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are very wealthy and he’s entitled. You need to teach him about money. My parents have money and no gift and no college fund. They know to keep those comments to us only.

We are not very wealthy, at least by DCUM standards. We aren’t struggling but would not be able to afford to send all three kids to college without digging into our savings and retirement.

My FIL is well off and was able to do this, but not enough where it’s like a drop in the bucket for him to be able to afford this.

We are all very thankful. We have not raised our kids to be entitled or expect more than they are given. None of our kids have shown this level of disrespect and ungratefulness until this incident.

Like I said, it was out of character.

Well obviously you HAVE raised an entitled kid and now you know. What an ungrateful brat. He will struggle when he enters the real world some day.

Do you think that every wrong thing a child does is reflective of how they are going to be when they grow up? Do you think a toddler who hits a sibling will turn into a violent adult?

He is 14, not a toddler.

DP here, but are you arguing just to argue? A 14 year absolutely could have a lapse of judgment and manners etc without it indicating he is doomed for the rest of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are very wealthy and he’s entitled. You need to teach him about money. My parents have money and no gift and no college fund. They know to keep those comments to us only.

We are not very wealthy, at least by DCUM standards. We aren’t struggling but would not be able to afford to send all three kids to college without digging into our savings and retirement.

My FIL is well off and was able to do this, but not enough where it’s like a drop in the bucket for him to be able to afford this.

We are all very thankful. We have not raised our kids to be entitled or expect more than they are given. None of our kids have shown this level of disrespect and ungratefulness until this incident.

Like I said, it was out of character.

Well obviously you HAVE raised an entitled kid and now you know. What an ungrateful brat. He will struggle when he enters the real world some day.

Do you think that every wrong thing a child does is reflective of how they are going to be when they grow up? Do you think a toddler who hits a sibling will turn into a violent adult?

He is 14, not a toddler.

Exactly. He is doing 14-year old a-hole things, not 3-year old a-hole things. And with appropriate discipline and good examples he will stop, just like 3-year olds stop hitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s weird your FIL doesn’t understand the kids woukd like something tangible at Xmas.

How hard would it be to put in a $25 or $50 amazon card.

Hey kids I’ve made more contributions to your college fund for your future. I know you wont need that till you’re 18. So please buy yourself something fun from Amazon too.

Just hold back $50 bucks contribution and get gift cards. That’s a much nicer thing to do and the kids look forward to their Amazon gifts too.

You’re the problem

Since we have all established that the kid was rude and ungrateful, it is not wrong to also posit that the grandfather is kind of a d!ck. Every birthday and Christmas, he gets to remind his grandkids that he is the kindly benefactor and dismiss the joy of gift giving in these situations. The PP's suggestion is what I would do--put a little less in the 529s so the grandkids could have real, tangible memories and mementos of me throughout their lives---not just one big gift at the end.

This really seems like a control issue from the grandfather and I would bet MY kid's 529 he is not a great grandparent otherwise and there are lots of other issues.

Wow. I mean really. The dude has funded THREE college educations and you’re calling him a d!ck for not giving the kids some Amazon crap so they have something to open- when, presumably, they already opened LOTS of presents from their parents. I’m actually baffled by this take. It’s not even that he’s given them money for a college education- he has given them the ability to buy a home, have kids, take on more interesting jobs because they won’t have the burden of paying back student loans with compounding interest. do I expect a kid of 14 to grasp that- no. But the fact that you, an adult, ALSO don’t - wow. You’re clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That we are now on page 12 and there is no consensus that the kid is an ungrateful little shit - or at least he was that day - and that the college fund is completely irrelevant is astonishing to me. I guess it shouldn’t be, though, since this is DCUM. You people truly do not know how to parent.

You are right the college fund shouldn't be...also OP should never have mentioned it.

The ONLY reason OP mentioned it is because they fear the FIL will stop funding it. That is the 800 pound gorilla excuse that OP conveniently omitted.

This entire thread is about OP worrying the money train will stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s weird your FIL doesn’t understand the kids woukd like something tangible at Xmas.

How hard would it be to put in a $25 or $50 amazon card.

Hey kids I’ve made more contributions to your college fund for your future. I know you wont need that till you’re 18. So please buy yourself something fun from Amazon too.

Just hold back $50 bucks contribution and get gift cards. That’s a much nicer thing to do and the kids look forward to their Amazon gifts too.

You’re the problem

Since we have all established that the kid was rude and ungrateful, it is not wrong to also posit that the grandfather is kind of a d!ck. Every birthday and Christmas, he gets to remind his grandkids that he is the kindly benefactor and dismiss the joy of gift giving in these situations. The PP's suggestion is what I would do--put a little less in the 529s so the grandkids could have real, tangible memories and mementos of me throughout their lives---not just one big gift at the end.

This really seems like a control issue from the grandfather and I would bet MY kid's 529 he is not a great grandparent otherwise and there are lots of other issues.

I totally agree. If it was my kid, I would have, well before it got to this point, let the kid know that this is what was going on. I also would clearly communicate that everyone has their baggage and I the grandfathers actions probably come from a place of insecurity, and we still need to be kind and grateful for any gift even if it has interior motives. Kids are going to encounter lots of people and situations like this and I think we should teach them how to manage and love others no matter what, especially family. But it seems like a lot of people just expect this kid to play pretend which I don’t think is reasonable. Adolescents aren’t stupid.

I think if I was OP I would a) teach the kid about wealth inequality and unearned privilege (sorry I know DCUM people hate thar word but it fits) b) talk to him about how even imperfect people deserve our love and kindness and suggest he write an apology letter and do something nice for the grandpa, like mow his lawn or bake him cookies (but I’d want it to be sincere) c) hold firm on the punishments already given.