DS14 said something very rude and ungrateful during the holidays and I still don’t know if we handle it well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh I’d lay in hard to that one (sounds like you are). If you think DS still doesn’t fully get it, I would take him out with just you and DH for a Serious Discussion. Not a punishment, since you’ve already done that and teens can have reactive “I’m right, they’re wrong” reactions to punishments. Go to a coffee shop, order him a hot cocoa, then tell him you and DH wanted some time with him, now that you’ve had some time to reflect, to talk about what went on with Grandpa.

Together, tell him that it’s been weighing on your mind since and you’re trying to understand why he would say something so hurtful and ungrateful. Hear him out. Dont be angry - act sad, and seeking to understand. Then tell him how it made you feel: extremely disappointed in him, embarrassed that your child would so rudely react to ANY gift, and sad for grandpa who has given more than he has any obligation to give. Empathize with him that yes, it’s not that tangible a gift at the moment, but be clear that the proper reaction to any gift is a heartfelt “thank you.” See if you can get him to see from your perspective, and grandpas, how he came across. Talk about the great, kind person you see him as and your worries about the entitled, self-centered person you saw in that comment. Leave awkward silences and time to reflect - let him be uncomfortable. Finish by saying you love him and hope he will think hard about what you shared.

I’d also start looking out for opportunities to call out ungrateful, entitled behavior - not his, but examples you see around you.

Talk about overkill… How To Create A Snowflake 101

No, not all. Quite the opposite! PP has it right and you are.the one must be raising snowflakes if this earnest conversation seems overkill to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand why everyone is giving mom & dad a pass.

The 529 contribution is a gift to THEM!

They are angry because they think FIL will stop giving THEM money.

The parents have apparently made it clear to the kid over-and-over that FIL gives THEM $$$s every year that goes into a college account. Why have they mentioned this? Because they are so fearful the money train will end.

Kid was rude, OP said he apologized already. The only reason OP is making this such a huge deal is because of the $$$s.

I disagree in this case. A 529 is a gift to the son and the siblings, not just to the parents. Money is fungible and it allows the whole family to use their resources efficiently to meet needs and wants. OP’s son is obviously benefitting from his parent’s financial resources. If the kids were living a frugal life and OP and her husband were keeping their own money for themselves, I’d feel differently. Now $35k in 529’s can be transferred to a Roth IRA. So the son will benefit from his grandfather’s gift regardless if he attends college.

I get that…but it’s freeing up a ton of money the parents can now use for their own savings and retirement.

The vast majority is indirectly going to them…if the FIL wasn’t contributing, they would be on the hook.

Chances are that the son will go to college and perhaps education beyond that so the vast majority will be spent on him.

Yes, but the parents aren’t paying…FIL is paying…so they are massively benefiting.

But the accounts were set up when the children were babies when OP and her husband were not sure they could fund college for all their children. FIL asked what form his gifts should take and the parents suggested 529 contributions. Many parents do not pay for college, as other pps have mentioned, because they cannot or do not consider it their responsibility.

Certainly not in the DMV and not the DCUM demographic.

Untrue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand why everyone is giving mom & dad a pass.

The 529 contribution is a gift to THEM!

They are angry because they think FIL will stop giving THEM money.

The parents have apparently made it clear to the kid over-and-over that FIL gives THEM $$$s every year that goes into a college account. Why have they mentioned this? Because they are so fearful the money train will end.

Kid was rude, OP said he apologized already. The only reason OP is making this such a huge deal is because of the $$$s.

I disagree in this case. A 529 is a gift to the son and the siblings, not just to the parents. Money is fungible and it allows the whole family to use their resources efficiently to meet needs and wants. OP’s son is obviously benefitting from his parent’s financial resources. If the kids were living a frugal life and OP and her husband were keeping their own money for themselves, I’d feel differently. Now $35k in 529’s can be transferred to a Roth IRA. So the son will benefit from his grandfather’s gift regardless if he attends college.

I get that…but it’s freeing up a ton of money the parents can now use for their own savings and retirement.

The vast majority is indirectly going to them…if the FIL wasn’t contributing, they would be on the hook.

Chances are that the son will go to college and perhaps education beyond that so the vast majority will be spent on him.

Yes, but the parents aren’t paying…FIL is paying…so they are massively benefiting.

But the accounts were set up when the children were babies when OP and her husband were not sure they could fund college for all their children. FIL asked what form his gifts should take and the parents suggested 529 contributions. Many parents do not pay for college, as other pps have mentioned, because they cannot or do not consider it their responsibility.

Certainly not in the DMV and not the DCUM demographic.

Untrue.

Explain. Go to the college forum and pose the question. Guarantee you will be labeled a complete and utter loser if you can’t pay 100% at any college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand why everyone is giving mom & dad a pass.

The 529 contribution is a gift to THEM!

They are angry because they think FIL will stop giving THEM money.

The parents have apparently made it clear to the kid over-and-over that FIL gives THEM $$$s every year that goes into a college account. Why have they mentioned this? Because they are so fearful the money train will end.

Kid was rude, OP said he apologized already. The only reason OP is making this such a huge deal is because of the $$$s.

I disagree in this case. A 529 is a gift to the son and the siblings, not just to the parents. Money is fungible and it allows the whole family to use their resources efficiently to meet needs and wants. OP’s son is obviously benefitting from his parent’s financial resources. If the kids were living a frugal life and OP and her husband were keeping their own money for themselves, I’d feel differently. Now $35k in 529’s can be transferred to a Roth IRA. So the son will benefit from his grandfather’s gift regardless if he attends college.

I get that…but it’s freeing up a ton of money the parents can now use for their own savings and retirement.

The vast majority is indirectly going to them…if the FIL wasn’t contributing, they would be on the hook.

Chances are that the son will go to college and perhaps education beyond that so the vast majority will be spent on him.

Yes, but the parents aren’t paying…FIL is paying…so they are massively benefiting.

But the accounts were set up when the children were babies when OP and her husband were not sure they could fund college for all their children. FIL asked what form his gifts should take and the parents suggested 529 contributions. Many parents do not pay for college, as other pps have mentioned, because they cannot or do not consider it their responsibility.

Certainly not in the DMV and not the DCUM demographic.

Untrue.

Explain. Go to the college forum and pose the question. Guarantee you will be labeled a complete and utter loser if you can’t pay 100% at any college.

DCUM is not representative of the DMV. You need to get out in the real world, pp.

[Anonymous]

This is why I am so glad we don’t do birthday or Christmas gifts among close family.

DS needs to compose and handwrite a heartfelt apology note to grandpa.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the posts, but my guess is that your DS feels like FIL doesn't exert any effort, and by him contributing so much money into this college fund, FIL is the one who benefits; he gets all the credit for this generosity; he gets all this attention for giving a blank card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand why everyone is giving mom & dad a pass.

The 529 contribution is a gift to THEM!

They are angry because they think FIL will stop giving THEM money.

The parents have apparently made it clear to the kid over-and-over that FIL gives THEM $$$s every year that goes into a college account. Why have they mentioned this? Because they are so fearful the money train will end.

Kid was rude, OP said he apologized already. The only reason OP is making this such a huge deal is because of the $$$s.

I disagree in this case. A 529 is a gift to the son and the siblings, not just to the parents. Money is fungible and it allows the whole family to use their resources efficiently to meet needs and wants. OP’s son is obviously benefitting from his parent’s financial resources. If the kids were living a frugal life and OP and her husband were keeping their own money for themselves, I’d feel differently. Now $35k in 529’s can be transferred to a Roth IRA. So the son will benefit from his grandfather’s gift regardless if he attends college.

I get that…but it’s freeing up a ton of money the parents can now use for their own savings and retirement.

The vast majority is indirectly going to them…if the FIL wasn’t contributing, they would be on the hook.

This exactly! OP even said the college $ would have had to come from their retirement.

So, basically, the kid was getting college either way. Under the OP’s way, grandpa’s gift is going straight into her pocket and the kid has to be grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand why everyone is giving mom & dad a pass.

The 529 contribution is a gift to THEM!

They are angry because they think FIL will stop giving THEM money.

The parents have apparently made it clear to the kid over-and-over that FIL gives THEM $$$s every year that goes into a college account. Why have they mentioned this? Because they are so fearful the money train will end.

Kid was rude, OP said he apologized already. The only reason OP is making this such a huge deal is because of the $$$s.

I disagree in this case. A 529 is a gift to the son and the siblings, not just to the parents. Money is fungible and it allows the whole family to use their resources efficiently to meet needs and wants. OP’s son is obviously benefitting from his parent’s financial resources. If the kids were living a frugal life and OP and her husband were keeping their own money for themselves, I’d feel differently. Now $35k in 529’s can be transferred to a Roth IRA. So the son will benefit from his grandfather’s gift regardless if he attends college.

I get that…but it’s freeing up a ton of money the parents can now use for their own savings and retirement.

The vast majority is indirectly going to them…if the FIL wasn’t contributing, they would be on the hook.

Chances are that the son will go to college and perhaps education beyond that so the vast majority will be spent on him.

Yes, but the parents aren’t paying…FIL is paying…so they are massively benefiting.

But the accounts were set up when the children were babies when OP and her husband were not sure they could fund college for all their children. FIL asked what form his gifts should take and the parents suggested 529 contributions. Many parents do not pay for college, as other pps have mentioned, because they cannot or do not consider it their responsibility.

Certainly not in the DMV and not the DCUM demographic.

Untrue.

Explain. Go to the college forum and pose the question. Guarantee you will be labeled a complete and utter loser if you can’t pay 100% at any college.

DCUM is not representative of the DMV. You need to get out in the real world, pp.

I know…but here we are posting on DCUM…so who do you think is responding and why is OP posting here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is missing the part about how the kid was tired and grumpy from staying up all night. While what he said was bad, I've definitely said things I regret due to sleep deprivation. If you have a conversation with your son when you're both calm about his reaction and you explaining why your dad funding college is huge and that it hurt your dad's feelings and what does your son want to do to make amends.

Also, the logical consequence is not allowing him to spend so much time gaming that it's disrupting his sleep and making him act like a jerk.

Way to make excuses for a 14 year old. And yea he’s 14, not 4.

[Anonymous]

I would just want the earth to swallow me up I would be so mortified.

He sounds like my FIL although it’s not just a college account, it’s a trust fund that pays for yearly expenses and paid for my oldest art school which was typical college cost in NYC.

The sister’s kid on the other hand just assumed he would never have to work and pretty never has in his mid 20s. He treats is grandfather like an ATM. Her family would ask for more money on top of what they had for made up emergencies. It’s horrible to watch.

I’d watch your son to ensure he doesn’t start to be demanding. He’s too old to say something like that.

I would bet if your FIL had a wife they would also get gifts. It’s not that you FIL can’t get them token gifts but who know why he doesn’t. Teach your children gifts should never be expected from anyone but if they do you thank them no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have this all wrong. That the kids grandfather is fully funding his college is completely irrelevant. No matter what gift the grandfather gives them, even if it’s just a card, a “good kid“ says thank you. That’s it. Your kid should have his ass kicked. I would absolutely kill my kid for this. I’m not kidding. And it would have nothing to do with the college fund.

Yeah…the college fund is irrelevant. Even if grandfather got him nothing but a card, you say thank you and move on. I’m sure your son got plenty for Christmas, even without the hundreds of thousands of dollars his grandfather has set aside for him.

Agree. There are sweet old grandmas in nursing homes who buy their grandchildren a card and put a $5 bill in it. This type of kid would probably make a rude comment to that also.

He obviously doesn’t naturally have the empathy gift but he can be taught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have this all wrong. That the kids grandfather is fully funding his college is completely irrelevant. No matter what gift the grandfather gives them, even if it’s just a card, a “good kid“ says thank you. That’s it. Your kid should have his ass kicked. I would absolutely kill my kid for this. I’m not kidding. And it would have nothing to do with the college fund.

Yeah…the college fund is irrelevant. Even if grandfather got him nothing but a card, you say thank you and move on. I’m sure your son got plenty for Christmas, even without the hundreds of thousands of dollars his grandfather has set aside for him.

Agree. There are sweet old grandmas in nursing homes who buy their grandchildren a card and put a $5 bill in it. This type of kid would probably make a rude comment to that also.

He obviously doesn’t naturally have the empathy gift but he can be taught.

Nah…I think this is all he wants.

I also think if FIL was dirt poor the kid would be fine with a card.

The problem is the kid has loser parents that have told him for years, literally hammered into him that he gets to go to college because of this account that FIL has been contributing to. Of course, he doesn’t really know what they are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this kid needs a job as soon as he's old enough.

He’s old enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't understand why everyone is giving mom & dad a pass.

The 529 contribution is a gift to THEM!

They are angry because they think FIL will stop giving THEM money.

The parents have apparently made it clear to the kid over-and-over that FIL gives THEM $$$s every year that goes into a college account. Why have they mentioned this? Because they are so fearful the money train will end.

Kid was rude, OP said he apologized already. The only reason OP is making this such a huge deal is because of the $$$s.

I disagree in this case. A 529 is a gift to the son and the siblings, not just to the parents. Money is fungible and it allows the whole family to use their resources efficiently to meet needs and wants. OP’s son is obviously benefitting from his parent’s financial resources. If the kids were living a frugal life and OP and her husband were keeping their own money for themselves, I’d feel differently. Now $35k in 529’s can be transferred to a Roth IRA. So the son will benefit from his grandfather’s gift regardless if he attends college.

I get that…but it’s freeing up a ton of money the parents can now use for their own savings and retirement.

The vast majority is indirectly going to them…if the FIL wasn’t contributing, they would be on the hook.

This exactly! OP even said the college $ would have had to come from their retirement.

So, basically, the kid was getting college either way. Under the OP’s way, grandpa’s gift is going straight into her pocket and the kid has to be grateful.

This is kind of right. My grandmother gave us the $10,000 a year for Christmas each year. It’s really a gift to the parents who don’t have to fork over a penny for their kids’ college. It’s a huge gift to them, not to the kid. Of course he should say thank you and be grateful, but it’s not really a gift to the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are very wealthy and he’s entitled. You need to teach him about money. My parents have money and no gift and no college fund. They know to keep those comments to us only.

We are not very wealthy, at least by DCUM standards. We aren’t struggling but would not be able to afford to send all three kids to college without digging into our savings and retirement.

My FIL is well off and was able to do this, but not enough where it’s like a drop in the bucket for him to be able to afford this.

We are all very thankful. We have not raised our kids to be entitled or expect more than they are given. None of our kids have shown this level of disrespect and ungratefulness until this incident.

Like I said, it was out of character.

I guess by DCUM’s ridiculous standards that isn’t “wealthy”. But I mean, most families wouldn’t even be able to send their kids that way either. You either get scholarships, or take out loans. That’s the reality honestly.

But back on topic
Honestly, yeah it was a really shitty and bratty thing for your DS to say— but at the same time. I, who was not blessed with even that large of a gift (college fund) remember one Christmas where I was very rude and bratty in regards to a present my brother got that was slightly more expensive than I got and that I would have loved to have—looking back now I cringe on how bratty I was. It’s embarrassing to even think about and I completely understand why my parents were disappointed.

That being said— If there doesn’t continue to be a pattern of this I wouldn’t worry too much. Just make sure he understands how ungrateful and bratty he was on this instance and how disappointed you were in his reaction. If he continues to act snotty that would be when you actually have something to be concerned about.

A one time thing, when he was already in a grump mood—even for a teen—I would not dwell on it.