DS14 said something very rude and ungrateful during the holidays and I still don’t know if we handle it well

[Anonymous]

DS14 (overall) is a good kid. He’s motivated at school, in sports and at home. We don’t have major issues with bad attitudes or laziness. He’s fairly responsible for a teenage boy and we really only have to interfere seldomly.

My in-laws are divorced and we usually spend Christmas with my FIL in late December. He (FIL) is a good man. He’s not the super affectionate type but he loves our kids. He is genuinely interested in who they are as people and has always spoken to them like they were unique individuals.

For all three of our kids he has a college savings fund he started for them when they were babies. At 14 DS already has enough money in his college savings to attend any university he desired and was able to get into. He’s been told about this account for years and know it’s a privilege many kids do not get. Because my FIL ours so much $$$$ into the account every year he doesn’t do Christmas or birthday gifts. Just a card.

This has never been anything my kids ever brought up until DS decided to make an incredibly rude (and out of character) remark in front of his Grandfather when given the card.

He kind of was grumpy the entire day due to staying up the night before. He wasn’t thrilled about going to visit FIl but didn’t protest too much.

We had a good time and after eating FIL handed all of our kids their Christmas card and DS goes, “let me guess, another empty card.”

DH immediately snapped at him and told him that was rude. Then I explained how grateful he’ll be when he is able to graduate college without student loan debt.

DS responded, “oh yeah, so grateful for a gift I didn’t ever ask for.”

DH got angry and asked him to step outside. I apologies to FIL who was put off by the comment. DH had discussion about gratefulness and then we decided to ground him from one of his big gifts (gaming computer) for this month in hopes the absence of the gift would teach him a lesson but I’m not sure it is. He apologized to his Grandfather but I don’t think he understands how rude the comment was or how big of a deal it is his grandfather does this for him.

I know he’s only 14 but his siblings are younger and we’re very genuinely outwardly grateful. I feel like they didn’t have any expectations for gifts even if they also don’t fully understand the gravity of this account.

Any ideas on what would be an appropriate consequence? How to get the lesson through his head?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are very wealthy and he’s entitled. You need to teach him about money. My parents have money and no gift and no college fund. They know to keep those comments to us only.

[Anonymous]

I do not think I would tell my child about the existence of the account. Why isn't his grandfather's sincere interest in him enough? You are expecting him to show the kind of gratitude that only comes from an understanding the value of the gift that will not come for years. His having known from an early age that he need never worry about college expenses is ironically the reason he is not grateful.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like this kid needs a job as soon as he's old enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are very wealthy and he’s entitled. You need to teach him about money. My parents have money and no gift and no college fund. They know to keep those comments to us only.

We are not very wealthy, at least by DCUM standards. We aren’t struggling but would not be able to afford to send all three kids to college without digging into our savings and retirement.

My FIL is well off and was able to do this, but not enough where it’s like a drop in the bucket for him to be able to afford this.

We are all very thankful. We have not raised our kids to be entitled or expect more than they are given. None of our kids have shown this level of disrespect and ungratefulness until this incident.

Like I said, it was out of character.

[Anonymous]

As rude as your ds was (and I am not disputing that part!), I also understand where it might come from: that account is still very abstract to him. It's not a personal gift from grandpa in the "I went and picked out something for you" I actually think that it is a bit weird not to give him a gift since it sounds like your dad is very wealthy. Are they close, emotionally? Do they spend time together? The card probably feels a little sad.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if this is entitlement so much as moody rude teen lashing out. That doesn't make it ok but I would want to know what his patterns are before deciding on tackling entitled ungrateful attitudes or controlling behavior and mood swings

[Anonymous]

OP he is a spoiled brat.

I do not believe he is generally a nice kid.

This was not a one off.

My kid would have gotten no gifts that year.

A month from gaming equipment is absurd. Grounding does nothing.

Tell him you donated the college funds.

If he gets allowance he would not get it any more. He is old enough to walk dogs for cash, but I would be dammed if I gave that brat anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As rude as your ds was (and I am not disputing that part!), I also understand where it might come from: that account is still very abstract to him. It's not a personal gift from grandpa in the "I went and picked out something for you" I actually think that it is a bit weird not to give him a gift since it sounds like your dad is very wealthy. Are they close, emotionally? Do they spend time together? The card probably feels a little sad.

+1

I think OP what you have done so far is appropriate. There really is no way for you to remove the opinions and perceptions of your child and replace them with your own, so don't bash your head against the wall if that doesn't happen.

[Anonymous]

You handled this specific incident fine in my book, but that entitlement and ingratitude monster is strong in him. You have your work cut out for you.

[Anonymous]

If lightning came out from heaven and struck dead every teen that made a rude comment, none of us would be here.

If it's out of character as you say, just explain to him why it's rude to say what he did. No reason to find a more fitting punishment. There may not be one.

[Anonymous]

Teenagers, especially boys, are idiotic and impulsive. They don't see the big picture.

Also, teens have never had to support themselves or work hard to get most things in life so they don't grasp how incredibly lucky they are to have their needs met/exceeded or have a college fund like that.

This is the perfect age to start teaching him the value of money, honestly. He may not be old enough to get a job in a traditional sense, but he is old enough to work as a junior lifeguard or even junior camp counselor. Let him experience what it's like to put in some hard hours at work only to receive a check for very little.

Trust me, teens who see how much work it takes to earn that $12/hr are much more appreciative of it. I married into money so my kids are set for life. I didn't want them to grow up being entitled brats like some of their cousins, so I've made them each get some form of a job starting at 14.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You handled this specific incident fine in my book, but that entitlement and ingratitude monster is strong in him. You have your work cut out for you.

This. I also would be making money more tangible in his life.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have this all wrong. That the kids grandfather is fully funding his college is completely irrelevant. No matter what gift the grandfather gives them, even if it’s just a card, a “good kid“ says thank you. That’s it. Your kid should have his ass kicked. I would absolutely kill my kid for this. I’m not kidding. And it would have nothing to do with the college fund.

[Anonymous]

It is hard to react to this based on your description.

Why have you been telling your kid about this college account for so many years? It feels like you are apologizing for your own financial shortcomings, or presenting it in a way that makes FIL seem controlling or petty.

I agree with PP that this account is abstract and not something he asked for or fully understands.

From his perspective, admittedly somewhat juvenile...because he is a juvenile...grandpa gives him just a card every year while all this friends get something from grandma and grandpa.

How is this any different than saying, he grandson...I am not going to give you anything for your birthday, but don't worry, you get a prominent mention and inheritance in my will.