DS14 said something very rude and ungrateful during the holidays and I still don’t know if we handle it well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As rude as your ds was (and I am not disputing that part!), I also understand where it might come from: that account is still very abstract to him. It's not a personal gift from grandpa in the "I went and picked out something for you" I actually think that it is a bit weird not to give him a gift since it sounds like your dad is very wealthy. Are they close, emotionally? Do they spend time together? The card probably feels a little sad.

I don’t think any of the above is a fair excuse. My ILs are Asian and do not do openable presents- it’s literally gold or money. For holidays like Chinese New Year my DD gets a small amount of cash (in a foreign currency) in a red envelope and the big stuff is wired to us. She doesn’t get presents for other holidays. My ILs wire money to us for Christmas and birthdays for her- large amounts intended for college.

She is only 8 but can grasp that there are all kinds of presents and not all of them are ones you can play with or open or even see. I think a 14 year old should be capable of this, and if he’s not, he is at least capable of not blurting out the first thought that comes to mind.

It sounds like you have to start prepping him to receive gifts graciously. And I mean really specifically with a script, like the way one does for a 6 year old hosting their first friend party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If lightning came out from heaven and struck dead every teen that made a rude comment, none of us would be here.

If it's out of character as you say, just explain to him why it's rude to say what he did. No reason to find a more fitting punishment. There may not be one.

+1

[Anonymous]

I'll play Devil's advocate for a moment and ask if your son sees college as a gift to him vs. a gift to you. In other words, are you in social circles where kids expect that parents will handle college finances? DH and I paid for our own college but now are very privileged and have accounts set up for our kids. We've hinted to both our parents that rather than lavish gifts for the kids they could put money aside in their 529s. Both sets of grandparents have told our kids that their college is their parents' responsibility. Maybe, in addition to discussing how rude your kid is, talk about how it is a gift to all of you and what you're able to do as a family since you don't have to scrimp to pay for college. Make it more tangible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As rude as your ds was (and I am not disputing that part!), I also understand where it might come from: that account is still very abstract to him. It's not a personal gift from grandpa in the "I went and picked out something for you" I actually think that it is a bit weird not to give him a gift since it sounds like your dad is very wealthy. Are they close, emotionally? Do they spend time together? The card probably feels a little sad.

I don’t think any of the above is a fair excuse. My ILs are Asian and do not do openable presents- it’s literally gold or money. For holidays like Chinese New Year my DD gets a small amount of cash (in a foreign currency) in a red envelope and the big stuff is wired to us. She doesn’t get presents for other holidays. My ILs wire money to us for Christmas and birthdays for her- large amounts intended for college.

She is only 8 but can grasp that there are all kinds of presents and not all of them are ones you can play with or open or even see. I think a 14 year old should be capable of this, and if he’s not, he is at least capable of not blurting out the first thought that comes to mind.

It sounds like you have to start prepping him to receive gifts graciously. And I mean really specifically with a script, like the way one does for a 6 year old hosting their first friend party.

To be clear I am not excusing the kid, just examining reasons behind his reaction, and the relationship with the grandpa and gifts which is interesting to me.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think my son really grasped what a huge gift it was to graduate without debt until he started working and saw how having student loan debt impacted his friends and colleagues. He has thanked us several times for funding his college. When he bought his first car, he realized what a privilege it had been for us to provide him with a car through high school and college. Your son will mature but he definitely needs to have some exposure to those less fortunate. I would dial way back on funding his entertainment in the future and let him use his own money or work to pay for that desired expensive electronic gadget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll play Devil's advocate for a moment and ask if your son sees college as a gift to him vs. a gift to you. In other words, are you in social circles where kids expect that parents will handle college finances? DH and I paid for our own college but now are very privileged and have accounts set up for our kids. We've hinted to both our parents that rather than lavish gifts for the kids they could put money aside in their 529s. Both sets of grandparents have told our kids that their college is their parents' responsibility. Maybe, in addition to discussing how rude your kid is, talk about how it is a gift to all of you and what you're able to do as a family since you don't have to scrimp to pay for college. Make it more tangible.

What a fascinating position to arrive at *after* you've let your kids pay their own way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll play Devil's advocate for a moment and ask if your son sees college as a gift to him vs. a gift to you. In other words, are you in social circles where kids expect that parents will handle college finances? DH and I paid for our own college but now are very privileged and have accounts set up for our kids. We've hinted to both our parents that rather than lavish gifts for the kids they could put money aside in their 529s. Both sets of grandparents have told our kids that their college is their parents' responsibility. Maybe, in addition to discussing how rude your kid is, talk about how it is a gift to all of you and what you're able to do as a family since you don't have to scrimp to pay for college. Make it more tangible.

I am confused...can you pay for your own kid's college? We would never suggest our parents put money into a 529 that we have already fully-funded ourselves. That is a gift to you, not a gift to your kids.

[Anonymous]

I agree with above poster that this has nothing to do with the college fund. This is more about the 14 year old being rude to his grandfather - the same exact situation without the college fund still would have been rude. I think the focus should be being kind to the grandfather (and others?), instead of being grateful about the college fund.

[Anonymous]

I agree your son was rude, and your FIL is generous. He was deservedly reprimanded.

However, I don’t think you should expect your son to be as grateful for the 529 as you are. He is right: he didn’t ask for the 529, and it’s probably not something he cares about. In my view, a gift giver should think about what the recipient wants—not just what the recipient SHOULD want. As an adult, I understand that college tuition is more valuable than a squishmallow, but it wouldn’t make it a better birthday gift.

Imagine that you were wealthy and able to self-fund college without any debt. If you then told your child—I am not giving you any presents for Christmas or birthday, because I am paying for your college tuition instead—it wouldn’t surprise me if your child felt hurt.

So if I were speaking to your son, I would say he should apologize and be grateful. Nobody is entitled to any particular gift. But if I were speaking to your FIL, I would say he should consider getting your kids actual presents in addition to, or instead of, paying for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll play Devil's advocate for a moment and ask if your son sees college as a gift to him vs. a gift to you. In other words, are you in social circles where kids expect that parents will handle college finances? DH and I paid for our own college but now are very privileged and have accounts set up for our kids. We've hinted to both our parents that rather than lavish gifts for the kids they could put money aside in their 529s. Both sets of grandparents have told our kids that their college is their parents' responsibility. Maybe, in addition to discussing how rude your kid is, talk about how it is a gift to all of you and what you're able to do as a family since you don't have to scrimp to pay for college. Make it more tangible.

I am confused...can you pay for your own kid's college? We would never suggest our parents put money into a 529 that we have already fully-funded ourselves. That is a gift to you, not a gift to your kids.

We can pay for our own kids' college. We have only suggested it when kids were quite young and our careers hadn't taken off and the grandparents kept asking what to buy for them or overloading them with stuff. But that's my point... perhaps OP's son sees college as a gift to OP and not a gift to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If lightning came out from heaven and struck dead every teen that made a rude comment, none of us would be here.

If it's out of character as you say, just explain to him why it's rude to say what he did. No reason to find a more fitting punishment. There may not be one.

Completely agree with this.

I would have died a thousand deaths if my kid had said that (and I'm not saying my son wouldn't have, we just haven't been in a situation like that and he's certainly uttered some other cringe-inducing things) but it's done, he apologized, and as another poster said the college savings is rather abstract for a 14 year old.

It would be nice if Grandpa could at least put a nominal $20 gift card in the card, kids like to get things. Clearly he could afford it, but that's neither here nor there because it's his money. But I think you handled it as well as could be and just reinforce gratefulness, appreciation, etc.

[Anonymous]

If it was out of character, maybe I suggest he not be allowed to stay up late (gaming on his new present perhaps) before a visit? I’ve seen this type of irritation from kids who are tired staying up late with their immersive gameplaying and required to participate in an activity that they don’t find worthwhile. I would not be surprised if your FIL stopped funding your son’s accounts going forward. It is very hurtful to be treated this way by your grandchildren when you have their best interest at heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If lightning came out from heaven and struck dead every teen that made a rude comment, none of us would be here.

If it's out of character as you say, just explain to him why it's rude to say what he did. No reason to find a more fitting punishment. There may not be one.

Completely agree with this.

I would have died a thousand deaths if my kid had said that (and I'm not saying my son wouldn't have, we just haven't been in a situation like that and he's certainly uttered some other cringe-inducing things) but it's done, he apologized, and as another poster said the college savings is rather abstract for a 14 year old.

It would be nice if Grandpa could at least put a nominal $20 gift card in the card, kids like to get things. Clearly he could afford it, but that's neither here nor there because it's his money. But I think you handled it as well as could be and just reinforce gratefulness, appreciation, etc.

No! The kid gets nothing else unless he shows genuine appreciation. Stop spoiling your children!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with above poster that this has nothing to do with the college fund. This is more about the 14 year old being rude to his grandfather - the same exact situation without the college fund still would have been rude. I think the focus should be being kind to the grandfather (and others?), instead of being grateful about the college fund.

This. It was rude. Don't focus on the college fund.

That said, maybe stop the practice of the opening the Christmas card in front of the grandfather. I mean, what kid (or what person) really wants to open a Christmas card with - and I'm making a big assumption here based on OP's description - with the grandpa's signature. What's the point of that? Just enjoy the time with family without the pretense of opening a card.

[Anonymous]

So let me get this straight: the kid was rude because the grandfather is paying for college? The kid isn’t rude otherwise?

Right.