DS14 said something very rude and ungrateful during the holidays and I still don’t know if we handle it well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You handled this specific incident fine in my book, but that entitlement and ingratitude monster is strong in him. You have your work cut out for you.

Or he was a sleep deprived 14 year old experimenting with being what he thought of as hilariously sarcastic or something. It was undeniably incredibly rude and there’s every chance when he’s older he will be mortified by it. I don’t think it’s necessarily time to send him to a reduction camp because of one (extremely ill advised) comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As rude as your ds was (and I am not disputing that part!), I also understand where it might come from: that account is still very abstract to him. It's not a personal gift from grandpa in the "I went and picked out something for you" I actually think that it is a bit weird not to give him a gift since it sounds like your dad is very wealthy. Are they close, emotionally? Do they spend time together? The card probably feels a little sad.

I don’t think any of the above is a fair excuse. My ILs are Asian and do not do openable presents- it’s literally gold or money. For holidays like Chinese New Year my DD gets a small amount of cash (in a foreign currency) in a red envelope and the big stuff is wired to us. She doesn’t get presents for other holidays. My ILs wire money to us for Christmas and birthdays for her- large amounts intended for college.

She is only 8 but can grasp that there are all kinds of presents and not all of them are ones you can play with or open or even see. I think a 14 year old should be capable of this, and if he’s not, he is at least capable of not blurting out the first thought that comes to mind.

It sounds like you have to start prepping him to receive gifts graciously. And I mean really specifically with a script, like the way one does for a 6 year old hosting their first friend party.

ah, the wisdom of elementary school moms about teenage behavior, always insightful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with above poster that this has nothing to do with the college fund. This is more about the 14 year old being rude to his grandfather - the same exact situation without the college fund still would have been rude. I think the focus should be being kind to the grandfather (and others?), instead of being grateful about the college fund.

This. It was rude. Don't focus on the college fund.

That said, maybe stop the practice of the opening the Christmas card in front of the grandfather. I mean, what kid (or what person) really wants to open a Christmas card with - and I'm making a big assumption here based on OP's description - with the grandpa's signature. What's the point of that? Just enjoy the time with family without the pretense of opening a card.

I raised my kids better than this garbage.

Her FIL took time out of his day to find a card.

Absolutely her kid is a spoiled brat.

14 years old is old enough to understand his behavior was inappropriate.

Taking away a gaming system for a month will not stop this behavior.

That 14 year old will be a crappy adult.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure taking away his gaming computer for just a month makes any difference, other than teach your teen to 'act' a certain way in front of certain people even if he feels the opposite. 14 is old enough to know that your family (at least DH's side) is wealthy so this is just about par for the course for how such an entitled teen might act.

[Anonymous]

So every single year he gets an empty card? I can see how that would feel awkward after so long, and how a snarky teen in a bad mood would say this ina low moment, because they recoil at anything weird/awkward at that age. He was wrong, rude and punished plenty it sounds like, and I do think the whole empty card thing needs revising.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with above poster that this has nothing to do with the college fund. This is more about the 14 year old being rude to his grandfather - the same exact situation without the college fund still would have been rude. I think the focus should be being kind to the grandfather (and others?), instead of being grateful about the college fund.

This. It was rude. Don't focus on the college fund.

That said, maybe stop the practice of the opening the Christmas card in front of the grandfather. I mean, what kid (or what person) really wants to open a Christmas card with - and I'm making a big assumption here based on OP's description - with the grandpa's signature. What's the point of that? Just enjoy the time with family without the pretense of opening a card.

I raised my kids better than this garbage.

Her FIL took time out of his day to find a card.

Absolutely her kid is a spoiled brat.

14 years old is old enough to understand his behavior was inappropriate.

Taking away a gaming system for a month will not stop this behavior.

That 14 year old will be a crappy adult.

Say what you will...but let's not get too carried away about the 5 minutes he took to find a card (which BTW was probably a generic card he gave to 100 other people).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You handled this specific incident fine in my book, but that entitlement and ingratitude monster is strong in him. You have your work cut out for you.

Or he was a sleep deprived 14 year old experimenting with being what he thought of as hilariously sarcastic or something. It was undeniably incredibly rude and there’s every chance when he’s older he will be mortified by it. I don’t think it’s necessarily time to send him to a reduction camp because of one (extremely ill advised) comment.

He's 14 he is not a baby or in elementary school.

I don't ground my children but there are consequences. This was never a one off like OP is stating. She doesn't know her kid or she is ok with an entitled brat.

But her consequences to this behavior absolutely ridiculous.
That gaming equipment given to a shelter.
Her kid should not have gotten any gifts that year. And dam well better do something nice with his FIL just the two of them not just once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with above poster that this has nothing to do with the college fund. This is more about the 14 year old being rude to his grandfather - the same exact situation without the college fund still would have been rude. I think the focus should be being kind to the grandfather (and others?), instead of being grateful about the college fund.

This. It was rude. Don't focus on the college fund.

That said, maybe stop the practice of the opening the Christmas card in front of the grandfather. I mean, what kid (or what person) really wants to open a Christmas card with - and I'm making a big assumption here based on OP's description - with the grandpa's signature. What's the point of that? Just enjoy the time with family without the pretense of opening a card.

No, that is part of the gift. Their grandfather chooses a card with a picture and sentiment he likes, writes his grandchildren’s names, signs it himself, and hands it to his grandchildren. He gets pleasure in this exchange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with above poster that this has nothing to do with the college fund. This is more about the 14 year old being rude to his grandfather - the same exact situation without the college fund still would have been rude. I think the focus should be being kind to the grandfather (and others?), instead of being grateful about the college fund.

This. It was rude. Don't focus on the college fund.

That said, maybe stop the practice of the opening the Christmas card in front of the grandfather. I mean, what kid (or what person) really wants to open a Christmas card with - and I'm making a big assumption here based on OP's description - with the grandpa's signature. What's the point of that? Just enjoy the time with family without the pretense of opening a card.

I raised my kids better than this garbage.

Her FIL took time out of his day to find a card.

Absolutely her kid is a spoiled brat.

14 years old is old enough to understand his behavior was inappropriate.

Taking away a gaming system for a month will not stop this behavior.

That 14 year old will be a crappy adult.

Well, that's the whole point for a teenager. They intentionally do inappropriate things.

And no, that kid will likely not be a crappy adult. I said some mean s**t when I was a teenager and I felt awful about it immediately. But I was a teenager so I couldn't show weakness and give a sincere apology. That happened a few years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS14 (overall) is a good kid. He’s motivated at school, in sports and at home. We don’t have major issues with bad attitudes or laziness. He’s fairly responsible for a teenage boy and we really only have to interfere seldomly.

My in-laws are divorced and we usually spend Christmas with my FIL in late December. He (FIL) is a good man. He’s not the super affectionate type but he loves our kids. He is genuinely interested in who they are as people and has always spoken to them like they were unique individuals.

For all three of our kids he has a college savings fund he started for them when they were babies. At 14 DS already has enough money in his college savings to attend any university he desired and was able to get into. He’s been told about this account for years and know it’s a privilege many kids do not get. Because my FIL ours so much $$$$ into the account every year he doesn’t do Christmas or birthday gifts. Just a card.

This has never been anything my kids ever brought up until DS decided to make an incredibly rude (and out of character) remark in front of his Grandfather when given the card.

He kind of was grumpy the entire day due to staying up the night before. He wasn’t thrilled about going to visit FIl but didn’t protest too much.

We had a good time and after eating FIL handed all of our kids their Christmas card and DS goes, “let me guess, another empty card.”

DH immediately snapped at him and told him that was rude. Then I explained how grateful he’ll be when he is able to graduate college without student loan debt.

DS responded, “oh yeah, so grateful for a gift I didn’t ever ask for.”

DH got angry and asked him to step outside. I apologies to FIL who was put off by the comment. DH had discussion about gratefulness and then we decided to ground him from one of his big gifts (gaming computer) for this month in hopes the absence of the gift would teach him a lesson but I’m not sure it is. He apologized to his Grandfather but I don’t think he understands how rude the comment was or how big of a deal it is his grandfather does this for him.

I know he’s only 14 but his siblings are younger and we’re very genuinely outwardly grateful. I feel like they didn’t have any expectations for gifts even if they also don’t fully understand the gravity of this account.

Any ideas on what would be an appropriate consequence? How to get the lesson through his head?

This is a present to you, not your kid. Why would he need to graduate with student loan debt if grandfather stopped contributing? Why have you been telling him about the account for years?

I think you are concerned the bank of FIL may close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As rude as your ds was (and I am not disputing that part!), I also understand where it might come from: that account is still very abstract to him. It's not a personal gift from grandpa in the "I went and picked out something for you" I actually think that it is a bit weird not to give him a gift since it sounds like your dad is very wealthy. Are they close, emotionally? Do they spend time together? The card probably feels a little sad.

I don’t think any of the above is a fair excuse. My ILs are Asian and do not do openable presents- it’s literally gold or money. For holidays like Chinese New Year my DD gets a small amount of cash (in a foreign currency) in a red envelope and the big stuff is wired to us. She doesn’t get presents for other holidays. My ILs wire money to us for Christmas and birthdays for her- large amounts intended for college.

She is only 8 but can grasp that there are all kinds of presents and not all of them are ones you can play with or open or even see. I think a 14 year old should be capable of this, and if he’s not, he is at least capable of not blurting out the first thought that comes to mind.

It sounds like you have to start prepping him to receive gifts graciously. And I mean really specifically with a script, like the way one does for a 6 year old hosting their first friend party.

ah, the wisdom of elementary school moms about teenage behavior, always insightful.

She’s not wrong. The kid hasn’t learned this basic etiquette.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with above poster that this has nothing to do with the college fund. This is more about the 14 year old being rude to his grandfather - the same exact situation without the college fund still would have been rude. I think the focus should be being kind to the grandfather (and others?), instead of being grateful about the college fund.

This. It was rude. Don't focus on the college fund.

That said, maybe stop the practice of the opening the Christmas card in front of the grandfather. I mean, what kid (or what person) really wants to open a Christmas card with - and I'm making a big assumption here based on OP's description - with the grandpa's signature. What's the point of that? Just enjoy the time with family without the pretense of opening a card.

I raised my kids better than this garbage.

Her FIL took time out of his day to find a card. k



Absolutely her kid is a spoiled brat.

14 years old is old enough to understand his behavior was inappropriate.

Taking away a gaming system for a month will not stop this behavior.

That 14 year old will be a crappy adult.

Say what you will...but let's not get too carried away about the 5 minutes he took to find a card (which BTW was probably a generic card he gave to 100 other people).

It never takes just 5 minutes and OP already said FIL has always taken an interest in each child as an individual.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to keep reinforcing the importance of basic, good manners and being polite no matter how tired or frustrated he is feeling.

[Anonymous]

I think OP and spouse had to tell kids about the college fund because otherwise it would seem as if grandpa didn't give them any gift at all. Since they know he isn't poor, that would seem very odd.

I'd do 2 things. First, explain that grandpa can change the beneficiary of the 529. (within limits, he can.) If GS seems ungrateful for the gift, he might just do that. In that case,GS won't be going to college or will have to work his way through because you haven't saved. Second explain that if grandpa wasn't doing this, the family couldn't take nice vacations..or he couldn't play on a travel team (if he does) or do something else he enjoys or live in the school district because you can only afford your house because you don't have to save for college. In other words, explain how grandpa's generosity benefits him now..if it does.

I think it's at least possible that OP's son is not sure he wants to go to college but hasn't said so yet. If he is ambivalent, he might see the fact that the money is there as something to bludgeon him into doing so. If he's thinking he'd like to join the military or become a plumber or electrician or even just stay at home and going to the local community college, he might see this "gift" as pressure to do something he isn't sure he wants to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with above poster that this has nothing to do with the college fund. This is more about the 14 year old being rude to his grandfather - the same exact situation without the college fund still would have been rude. I think the focus should be being kind to the grandfather (and others?), instead of being grateful about the college fund.

This. It was rude. Don't focus on the college fund.

That said, maybe stop the practice of the opening the Christmas card in front of the grandfather. I mean, what kid (or what person) really wants to open a Christmas card with - and I'm making a big assumption here based on OP's description - with the grandpa's signature. What's the point of that? Just enjoy the time with family without the pretense of opening a card.

No, that is part of the gift. Their grandfather chooses a card with a picture and sentiment he likes, writes his grandchildren’s names, signs it himself, and hands it to his grandchildren. He gets pleasure in this exchange.

I stand corrected. Explain exactly this to your 14 year old. I have a 14 year old DS. He would get it.