DS14 said something very rude and ungrateful during the holidays and I still don’t know if we handle it well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think making a huge deal out of this could damage the relationship between your ds and his grandpa. Grandpa is hurt, and now your ds is hurt too because his short rude outburst has become this crazy big drama over thousands of dollars of tuition. Teens are not perfect, and seeing adults react very strongly to a slight can be tough on them and make them withdraw further emotionally.

I agree! The kid was incredibly rude and a grade A teen idiot-it happens! (and should be dealt with of course) but you pps acting like the kid is a horrible person in general because of one (very) jerkish morning need to reign it in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wow that is one rude kid. Yes I get it, kids don't think of college funds as "their money", they probably thunk of it as YOUR money since they assume you'd pay for their college. I'd show him the balance and tell him that because FIL funded it, he can now go anywhere, go abroad, live-in a fancy college apartment, WHATEVER, and that is a huge gift that YOU would not be able to do for him.

I'd then make him write a thank you for his grandfather and an apology. If he doesn't, I would tell him you're transferring the funds to his siblings and he'll have to pay for it himself, time to get a job sonny!

Grandpa is free to take back the money or transfer it...but the f**k up parents have no right to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wow that is one rude kid. Yes I get it, kids don't think of college funds as "their money", they probably thunk of it as YOUR money since they assume you'd pay for their college. I'd show him the balance and tell him that because FIL funded it, he can now go anywhere, go abroad, live-in a fancy college apartment, WHATEVER, and that is a huge gift that YOU would not be able to do for him.

I'd then make him write a thank you for his grandfather and an apology. If he doesn't, I would tell him you're transferring the funds to his siblings and he'll have to pay for it himself, time to get a job sonny!

Transfer to siblings? Please. They probably think the same thing, just scared to say so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think making a huge deal out of this could damage the relationship between your ds and his grandpa. Grandpa is hurt, and now your ds is hurt too because his short rude outburst has become this crazy big drama over thousands of dollars of tuition. Teens are not perfect, and seeing adults react very strongly to a slight can be tough on them and make them withdraw further emotionally.

This teen doesn’t seem the sensitive type.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow that is one rude kid. Yes I get it, kids don't think of college funds as "their money", they probably thunk of it as YOUR money since they assume you'd pay for their college. I'd show him the balance and tell him that because FIL funded it, he can now go anywhere, go abroad, live-in a fancy college apartment, WHATEVER, and that is a huge gift that YOU would not be able to do for him.

I'd then make him write a thank you for his grandfather and an apology. If he doesn't, I would tell him you're transferring the funds to his siblings and he'll have to pay for it himself, time to get a job sonny!

Transfer to siblings? Please. They probably think the same thing, just scared to say so.

Scared or simply respectful of their grandfather’s feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are very wealthy and he’s entitled. You need to teach him about money. My parents have money and no gift and no college fund. They know to keep those comments to us only.

We are not very wealthy, at least by DCUM standards. We aren’t struggling but would not be able to afford to send all three kids to college without digging into our savings and retirement.

My FIL is well off and was able to do this, but not enough where it’s like a drop in the bucket for him to be able to afford this.

We are all very thankful. We have not raised our kids to be entitled or expect more than they are given. None of our kids have shown this level of disrespect and ungratefulness until this incident.

Like I said, it was out of character.

You are too focused on the account imo.

Even without it DS's behavior was rude and unacceptable. Reframe it that way and stop going on about something he can't really grasp. He was given a card and was rude. His behavior disrupted the holiday and was unkind to his grandfather.

And yes, a job as soon as he is legal will do much to help him realize the value of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think making a huge deal out of this could damage the relationship between your ds and his grandpa. Grandpa is hurt, and now your ds is hurt too because his short rude outburst has become this crazy big drama over thousands of dollars of tuition. Teens are not perfect, and seeing adults react very strongly to a slight can be tough on them and make them withdraw further emotionally.

I agree! The kid was incredibly rude and a grade A teen idiot-it happens! (and should be dealt with of course) but you pps acting like the kid is a horrible person in general because of one (very) jerkish morning need to reign it in.

Rein it in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I strongly disagree that 14 is too young to understand the value and significance of the gift his grandfather had given him. I talk about money frequently with my children, they understand (age 13 and 10) the different options / choices we have available because of our current financial status (yes we can afford for you to join the travel soccer team and the AAU basketball team at X dollars per year because we live below our means and balance savings with lifestyle).

I would be deeply mortified if he made that type of entitled and careless comment to any family member. After sufficient discussion and punishment (I think withholding the gaming computer for a month was a great thing) I would look for a one week personal finance camp (Montgomery College and Spark Business Academy have a few options) and include him more frequently in household finance discussions.

+100

Fully agree. Mom of 3 teens ages 13-16. 14 is absolutely old enough to understand the value of this gift. What an incredible privilege.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if this is entitlement so much as moody rude teen lashing out. That doesn't make it ok but I would want to know what his patterns are before deciding on tackling entitled ungrateful attitudes or controlling behavior and mood swings

+1
Is he learning an adolescent ‘tude from his friends? I’m not even sure he understands quite how rude his comment was, bc as others have mentioned, he doesn’t understand what an amazing gift your FIL is providing; just superficially bummed that other friends got this, that, and the other current teen must-haves in big shiny boxes under the tree.
Not at all saying the behavior is excusable or that there shouldn’t be consequences—just that like PP above, I agree you need to pinpoint the issue and address that. For example instead of taking away gaming equipment because he “is entitled” or “doesn’t understand the value of a dollar”, which to non-income-earning adolescents just sound like really abstract insults, I think you should make him earn any money he wants for any purchases in the near future, and make him sign up to volunteer in the community as well (so he spends that time without the gaming console doing something selfless, instead of simply diverting to his phone or other device). He may not understand money yet, but he will understand the currency of time.

The gaming can be part of the problem. I’ve seen this behavior in gaming addicts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with above poster that this has nothing to do with the college fund. This is more about the 14 year old being rude to his grandfather - the same exact situation without the college fund still would have been rude. I think the focus should be being kind to the grandfather (and others?), instead of being grateful about the college fund.

This. He was rude to his grandfather and the whole family by disrupting Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As rude as your ds was (and I am not disputing that part!), I also understand where it might come from: that account is still very abstract to him. It's not a personal gift from grandpa in the "I went and picked out something for you" I actually think that it is a bit weird not to give him a gift since it sounds like your dad is very wealthy. Are they close, emotionally? Do they spend time together? The card probably feels a little sad.

I don’t think any of the above is a fair excuse. My ILs are Asian and do not do openable presents- it’s literally gold or money. For holidays like Chinese New Year my DD gets a small amount of cash (in a foreign currency) in a red envelope and the big stuff is wired to us. She doesn’t get presents for other holidays. My ILs wire money to us for Christmas and birthdays for her- large amounts intended for college.

She is only 8 but can grasp that there are all kinds of presents and not all of them are ones you can play with or open or even see. I think a 14 year old should be capable of this, and if he’s not, he is at least capable of not blurting out the first thought that comes to mind.

It sounds like you have to start prepping him to receive gifts graciously. And I mean really specifically with a script, like the way one does for a 6 year old hosting their first friend party.

ah, the wisdom of elementary school moms about teenage behavior, always insightful.

I have an 8 yo, a 14 yo, and a 21 yo, so I’m wise enough to know that if a teenager can’t meet the standard of an elementary school kid, then they or their parents need to step up.

[Anonymous]

Oh I’d lay in hard to that one (sounds like you are). If you think DS still doesn’t fully get it, I would take him out with just you and DH for a Serious Discussion. Not a punishment, since you’ve already done that and teens can have reactive “I’m right, they’re wrong” reactions to punishments. Go to a coffee shop, order him a hot cocoa, then tell him you and DH wanted some time with him, now that you’ve had some time to reflect, to talk about what went on with Grandpa.

Together, tell him that it’s been weighing on your mind since and you’re trying to understand why he would say something so hurtful and ungrateful. Hear him out. Dont be angry - act sad, and seeking to understand. Then tell him how it made you feel: extremely disappointed in him, embarrassed that your child would so rudely react to ANY gift, and sad for grandpa who has given more than he has any obligation to give. Empathize with him that yes, it’s not that tangible a gift at the moment, but be clear that the proper reaction to any gift is a heartfelt “thank you.” See if you can get him to see from your perspective, and grandpas, how he came across. Talk about the great, kind person you see him as and your worries about the entitled, self-centered person you saw in that comment. Leave awkward silences and time to reflect - let him be uncomfortable. Finish by saying you love him and hope he will think hard about what you shared.

I’d also start looking out for opportunities to call out ungrateful, entitled behavior - not his, but examples you see around you.

[Anonymous]

I would make it more about "I" statements rather than "you."
"I have to say, I was incredibly embarrassed at your comments when you got that card. We know Grandpa was really hurt and we feel like we probably missed that talk about gratitude at some point. I'm pretty sure you don't want people to think of you as a brat or entitled, right? As your parent, I sure don't. Or maybe you just didn't understand what a college fund is, could that be it?"

[Anonymous]

Curious, does your son get gifts for his grandfather or any other member of the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is missing the part about how the kid was tired and grumpy from staying up all night. While what he said was bad, I've definitely said things I regret due to sleep deprivation. If you have a conversation with your son when you're both calm about his reaction and you explaining why your dad funding college is huge and that it hurt your dad's feelings and what does your son want to do to make amends.

Also, the logical consequence is not allowing him to spend so much time gaming that it's disrupting his sleep and making him act like a jerk.

Actually, lack of sleep was mentioned earlier as a contributing factor, pp.