What does "sex positivity" mean on online dating profiles?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Sex positivity written on a man's profile in a dating site conveys to me that he is interested in a wide variety of sex acts and has his own kinks and desires high frequency (which is fine) but will label you as "not sex positive" if you do not agree to his tastes and frequency (which is not fine).

For me this is a kind of "coercive control" that is often part of abusive relationships. I have met a number of men who are into some version of non-monogamy, BDSM, etc. who use the label "frigid" for partners or potential partners who express a lack of interest in those activities.

That kind of labelling creates a kind of not-truly-consensual quality to the professed "sex positivity", IME.

+1000. Women and girls are still pressured and manipulated into sex they don’t want, all the time. A man saying he is “sex positive” or wanting a “sex positive” date rings all kinds of warning bells to me.

Mmm - this sort of proves the point about being more open about sex - first and foremost with yourself. Women who are empowered about sex and their sexuality are not going to be pressured or manipulated by a man who claims to be sex positive but isn’t.

Are you confusing putting a chili pepper on your OLD profile with actually being open about sex?

? What?

PP seemed to be arguing that by labeling themselves as “sex positive” on OLD, women can become more empowered. I’m saying that’s silly and has zero to do with how empowered a woman actually is another her sexuality.

PP was arguing that men who claim to be sex positive are actually being manipulative. I wrote in response that women who are comfortable talking about sex and their sexuality (ie - not ashamed) are less likely to be manipulated re: sex and certainly would be able to see thru a dudes BS better.

Also - the shaming around signaling in a straightforward (albeit imperfect way) that one is into sex and sex communication on OLD underscores the need for more transparency and comfort around discussing it. I mean - we include preferences for hiking or sports teams or food on OLD.

Everyone is into sex. That is why they are on OLD. It’s not shaming to say that a man advertising himself as “sex positive” is raising a lot of questions about himself.

And again - a woman can be very comfortable talking about sex without putting “sex positive” on her profile. that’s the subject here. no need to label or advertise it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:People are misunderstanding and completely misusing this phrase.

People who dont understand it are (apparently) using it to mean "I like sex a lot". It's more about being open and nonjudgemental and wanting to explore consensual activities with their partner.

+1 I see it as “I may already have a kink and don’t want to be shamed for it, plus I may want to look for other possible kinks with you.”

It’s such a turn-off to wear that as a label though. I can like sex and even have kinks without having to join some kind of affinity group. My best lovers would never have pasted that label on themselves.

Did you meet your best lovers via OLD? And did you talk about sex / preferences before you became lovers? Or just dove in?

Why would I talk about it? It’s not like I need to read the reviews on Amazon. Is this why the kids these days aren’t having enough sex?

The issue with OLD is indeed that you can’t tell how much chemistry you have compared to meeting in person. But putting a Tik Tok label on yourself doesn’t solve that - it makes it worse, as if sex is something like a job interview.

Are you asking why you would talk about sex with the person you’re having sex with? Or about to have sex with? Pause and think about this.

If you were going on a date with someone - going out to eat - wouldn’t you ask about food preferences? Aversions?

The question is about *what you put in your profile.* Not how you actually approach sex. And no, I don’t think interviewing someone prior to sex about their sexual preferences is going to yield much information! Is this actually what you think? That by writing an essay about sex and giving yourself some kind of label, you’re going to have good sex? I’m not saying talking about sex is bad but it’s kind of about practice not theory. Talking during sex, well that’s another thing …

From experience… yes, talking about sex before sex yields information about the other person - though of course doesn’t prove total compatibility etc. and as a 50 yo divorced woman, a man’s inability to discuss basic things including preferences is a huge red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When someone selects "sex positivity" as a personality attribute on dating profiles (bumble in this case), what would you say this means?

I sort of interpret it like how sober means they used to be an alcoholic or have alcohol abuse issues, that sex positivity means a whole lot more than just a "normal" healthy value for sex in relationships.

Like that it means they've had serious issues with women and sexual compatability, they are into more wild stuff, they see sex as separate from the rest of the relationship (like being more sex focused instead of intimacy overall).

So I find it a bit of a red flag if that's 1 of the 5 attributes they pick...

Curious how others see it.

What are the attributes you like to see?

[Anonymous]

In a dating profile, I read this as they are saying they expect to have sex within the first couple of dates and aren’t going to keep calling you if it doesn’t happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sex positivity written on a man's profile in a dating site conveys to me that he is interested in a wide variety of sex acts and has his own kinks and desires high frequency (which is fine) but will label you as "not sex positive" if you do not agree to his tastes and frequency (which is not fine).

For me this is a kind of "coercive control" that is often part of abusive relationships. I have met a number of men who are into some version of non-monogamy, BDSM, etc. who use the label "frigid" for partners or potential partners who express a lack of interest in those activities.

That kind of labelling creates a kind of not-truly-consensual quality to the professed "sex positivity", IME.

OP here, YES about the labels, definitely a type.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone seen a man call himself "sex positive"?

Everyone assumes men are sex positive by default.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are misunderstanding and completely misusing this phrase.

People who dont understand it are (apparently) using it to mean "I like sex a lot". It's more about being open and nonjudgemental and wanting to explore consensual activities with their partner.

+1 I see it as “I may already have a kink and don’t want to be shamed for it, plus I may want to look for other possible kinks with you.”

It’s such a turn-off to wear that as a label though. I can like sex and even have kinks without having to join some kind of affinity group. My best lovers would never have pasted that label on themselves.

Did you meet your best lovers via OLD? And did you talk about sex / preferences before you became lovers? Or just dove in?

Why would I talk about it? It’s not like I need to read the reviews on Amazon. Is this why the kids these days aren’t having enough sex?

The issue with OLD is indeed that you can’t tell how much chemistry you have compared to meeting in person. But putting a Tik Tok label on yourself doesn’t solve that - it makes it worse, as if sex is something like a job interview.

Are you asking why you would talk about sex with the person you’re having sex with? Or about to have sex with? Pause and think about this.

If you were going on a date with someone - going out to eat - wouldn’t you ask about food preferences? Aversions?

The question is about *what you put in your profile.* Not how you actually approach sex. And no, I don’t think interviewing someone prior to sex about their sexual preferences is going to yield much information! Is this actually what you think? That by writing an essay about sex and giving yourself some kind of label, you’re going to have good sex? I’m not saying talking about sex is bad but it’s kind of about practice not theory. Talking during sex, well that’s another thing …

From experience… yes, talking about sex before sex yields information about the other person - though of course doesn’t prove total compatibility etc. and as a 50 yo divorced woman, a man’s inability to discuss basic things including preferences is a huge red flag.

So you’re going to sit there at your first coffee date and interview him about how many times a week he likes to do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When someone selects "sex positivity" as a personality attribute on dating profiles (bumble in this case), what would you say this means?

I sort of interpret it like how sober means they used to be an alcoholic or have alcohol abuse issues, that sex positivity means a whole lot more than just a "normal" healthy value for sex in relationships.

Like that it means they've had serious issues with women and sexual compatability, they are into more wild stuff, they see sex as separate from the rest of the relationship (like being more sex focused instead of intimacy overall).

So I find it a bit of a red flag if that's 1 of the 5 attributes they pick...

Curious how others see it.

This is just a goofy thing Bumble (specifically Bumble) pushes on people in the UI. It's not being volunteered by the men in the free writing section.

"Sex positivity" is a term invented by women, for women, to counteract sex shame, which is a traditionally feminine trait, due to thousands of years of human culture.

When men get pulled into this conversation, it makes a lot less sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are misunderstanding and completely misusing this phrase.

People who dont understand it are (apparently) using it to mean "I like sex a lot". It's more about being open and nonjudgemental and wanting to explore consensual activities with their partner.

+1 I see it as “I may already have a kink and don’t want to be shamed for it, plus I may want to look for other possible kinks with you.”

It’s such a turn-off to wear that as a label though. I can like sex and even have kinks without having to join some kind of affinity group. My best lovers would never have pasted that label on themselves.

Did you meet your best lovers via OLD? And did you talk about sex / preferences before you became lovers? Or just dove in?

Why would I talk about it? It’s not like I need to read the reviews on Amazon. Is this why the kids these days aren’t having enough sex?

The issue with OLD is indeed that you can’t tell how much chemistry you have compared to meeting in person. But putting a Tik Tok label on yourself doesn’t solve that - it makes it worse, as if sex is something like a job interview.

Are you asking why you would talk about sex with the person you’re having sex with? Or about to have sex with? Pause and think about this.

If you were going on a date with someone - going out to eat - wouldn’t you ask about food preferences? Aversions?

The question is about *what you put in your profile.* Not how you actually approach sex. And no, I don’t think interviewing someone prior to sex about their sexual preferences is going to yield much information! Is this actually what you think? That by writing an essay about sex and giving yourself some kind of label, you’re going to have good sex? I’m not saying talking about sex is bad but it’s kind of about practice not theory. Talking during sex, well that’s another thing …

From experience… yes, talking about sex before sex yields information about the other person - though of course doesn’t prove total compatibility etc. and as a 50 yo divorced woman, a man’s inability to discuss basic things including preferences is a huge red flag.

So you’re going to sit there at your first coffee date and interview him about how many times a week he likes to do it?

Well - what do you talk about on your first coffee dates? Why not talk about sex since (for me) a huge part of looking for a short or long term partner is to have more / better sex.

[Anonymous]

I like the idea of sex positivity vs shame about sex, but the only time a man used this term with me was when the scummy best friend of my ex-fiancé tried to make me feel bad about the fact that I broke up with him because I discovered he was a sex addict who had slept with half the people inside the Beltway during our two year relationship. He literally was on Yahoo personals setting up hookups every single time I was out of town overnight...sometimes 2-3 hookups per night. But when I dumped him and suggested he needs major therapy, his best friend and the guy's wife each separately confronted me about unfair it was that I was pathologizing his high sex drive and that they had thought that I was an open, sex-positive person, and that he just needed a sex positive partner.

I countered that if that were the case, he would have been open about his sexual activity from the get-go so that I could decide if I consented to a relationship with someone who had a dozen or more extra partners per month. If he were truly sex positive, he would have been upfront and given me a chance to choose that or not.

Instead, he was a cheat and a liar who wasted my time, trampled on my trust, and risked my life and health so he could escape into the dopamine rush of furtive, shameful sex. To call that "sex positive" is a joke to me.

Yeah, that would be a huge red flag and an immediate "nope" when online dating.

[Anonymous]

It’s supposed to mean sex independent of religious hang ups. Ie for recreation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are misunderstanding and completely misusing this phrase.

People who dont understand it are (apparently) using it to mean "I like sex a lot". It's more about being open and nonjudgemental and wanting to explore consensual activities with their partner.

+1 I see it as “I may already have a kink and don’t want to be shamed for it, plus I may want to look for other possible kinks with you.”

It’s such a turn-off to wear that as a label though. I can like sex and even have kinks without having to join some kind of affinity group. My best lovers would never have pasted that label on themselves.

Did you meet your best lovers via OLD? And did you talk about sex / preferences before you became lovers? Or just dove in?

Why would I talk about it? It’s not like I need to read the reviews on Amazon. Is this why the kids these days aren’t having enough sex?

The issue with OLD is indeed that you can’t tell how much chemistry you have compared to meeting in person. But putting a Tik Tok label on yourself doesn’t solve that - it makes it worse, as if sex is something like a job interview.

Are you asking why you would talk about sex with the person you’re having sex with? Or about to have sex with? Pause and think about this.

If you were going on a date with someone - going out to eat - wouldn’t you ask about food preferences? Aversions?

The question is about *what you put in your profile.* Not how you actually approach sex. And no, I don’t think interviewing someone prior to sex about their sexual preferences is going to yield much information! Is this actually what you think? That by writing an essay about sex and giving yourself some kind of label, you’re going to have good sex? I’m not saying talking about sex is bad but it’s kind of about practice not theory. Talking during sex, well that’s another thing …

From experience… yes, talking about sex before sex yields information about the other person - though of course doesn’t prove total compatibility etc. and as a 50 yo divorced woman, a man’s inability to discuss basic things including preferences is a huge red flag.

So you’re going to sit there at your first coffee date and interview him about how many times a week he likes to do it?

That sounds like the most fun first coffee date ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It means you can have open conversations about your body and sex life. They are not shaming and want your intimacy to be healthy. They want to put in the work.

Yes!! It’s not a guaranty for compatibility, but sexual knowledge and ability to talk about it are real skill sets.

Thank you. The bulk of answers here are super strange to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When someone selects "sex positivity" as a personality attribute on dating profiles (bumble in this case), what would you say this means?

I sort of interpret it like how sober means they used to be an alcoholic or have alcohol abuse issues, that sex positivity means a whole lot more than just a "normal" healthy value for sex in relationships.

Like that it means they've had serious issues with women and sexual
compatability, they are into more wild stuff, they see sex as separate from the rest of the relationship (like being more sex focused instead of intimacy overall).

So I find it a bit of a red flag if that's 1 of the 5 attributes they pick...

Curious how others see it.

I interpret it as a sign that someone might have an irremovable STD

[Anonymous]

NP. Sure, the term seems to have come from an actually useful attempt to counteract the shame foisted on women over the years if they have any interest in sex and actually enjoy sex.

But let's be honest here: When it's used on OLD in a profile -- the first thing someone sees about you -- it's shorthand for "I am interested in having sex with my dates, preferably as soon as possible."

It's naive to see it on OLD and read it as, "I'm mature and confident and willing to talk openly and frankly about sex and what we both want!" as some are saying -- though again, that was the overall original idea of the term.

But on OLD? Nope, it's not about conversations. OLD is a meat market, and this is a label to say, I won't make you wait for sex/I don't want to wait for sex. Same thinking as those on DCUM who insist that if you don't have sex with someone by the [pick a number: second? third? whatever] date, you need to drop them and move on.

It was a good idea that's been co-opted as a handy label where "positive" means "I positively have sex as the top priority, as soon as possible, and that's why I'm online." Fine. But anyone looking for a relationship beyond sex, who wants to get to know a person and build trust first, should be wary of the term in OLD.