What does "sex positivity" mean on online dating profiles?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like the idea of sex positivity vs shame about sex, but the only time a man used this term with me was when the scummy best friend of my ex-fiancé tried to make me feel bad about the fact that I broke up with him because I discovered he was a sex addict who had slept with half the people inside the Beltway during our two year relationship. He literally was on Yahoo personals setting up hookups every single time I was out of town overnight...sometimes 2-3 hookups per night. But when I dumped him and suggested he needs major therapy, his best friend and the guy's wife each separately confronted me about unfair it was that I was pathologizing his high sex drive and that they had thought that I was an open, sex-positive person, and that he just needed a sex positive partner.

I countered that if that were the case, he would have been open about his sexual activity from the get-go so that I could decide if I consented to a relationship with someone who had a dozen or more extra partners per month. If he were truly sex positive, he would have been upfront and given me a chance to choose that or not.

Instead, he was a cheat and a liar who wasted my time, trampled on my trust, and risked my life and health so he could escape into the dopamine rush of furtive, shameful sex. To call that "sex positive" is a joke to me.

Yeah, that would be a huge red flag and an immediate "nope" when online dating.

JFC, what a sh**show that man was. I hope your health didn't suffer because of his insane "sex positivity." And if you could get through hearing those two "friends" both tell you YOU were in the wrong, and you did not wallop either one of them, I applaud your restraint. Those fools all deserve each other.

[Anonymous]

Tinder has the "hookup" option, doesn't it? Is "Sex Positive" just Bumble abusing language to fake being classier than Tinder?

[Anonymous]

7 pages?

It means “whore”.

[Anonymous]

F**ked up religious notions about sex make the phrase necessary.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:People are misunderstanding and completely misusing this phrase.

People who dont understand it are (apparently) using it to mean "I like sex a lot". It's more about being open and nonjudgemental and wanting to explore consensual activities with their partner.

+1 I see it as “I may already have a kink and don’t want to be shamed for it, plus I may want to look for other possible kinks with you.”

It’s such a turn-off to wear that as a label though. I can like sex and even have kinks without having to join some kind of affinity group. My best lovers would never have pasted that label on themselves.

Did you meet your best lovers via OLD? And did you talk about sex / preferences before you became lovers? Or just dove in?

Why would I talk about it? It’s not like I need to read the reviews on Amazon. Is this why the kids these days aren’t having enough sex?

The issue with OLD is indeed that you can’t tell how much chemistry you have compared to meeting in person. But putting a Tik Tok label on yourself doesn’t solve that - it makes it worse, as if sex is something like a job interview.

Are you asking why you would talk about sex with the person you’re having sex with? Or about to have sex with? Pause and think about this.

If you were going on a date with someone - going out to eat - wouldn’t you ask about food preferences? Aversions?

The question is about *what you put in your profile.* Not how you actually approach sex. And no, I don’t think interviewing someone prior to sex about their sexual preferences is going to yield much information! Is this actually what you think? That by writing an essay about sex and giving yourself some kind of label, you’re going to have good sex? I’m not saying talking about sex is bad but it’s kind of about practice not theory. Talking during sex, well that’s another thing …

From experience… yes, talking about sex before sex yields information about the other person - though of course doesn’t prove total compatibility etc. and as a 50 yo divorced woman, a man’s inability to discuss basic things including preferences is a huge red flag.

So you’re going to sit there at your first coffee date and interview him about how many times a week he likes to do it?

Well - what do you talk about on your first coffee dates? Why not talk about sex since (for me) a huge part of looking for a short or long term partner is to have more / better sex.

because talking about sex over coffee is not something I want to do unless I actually want to have sex with a person, which I don’t know until I’ve, you know, actually touched them. and more importantly talking about sex says zero about whether you will actually enjoy sex with the person.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are misunderstanding and completely misusing this phrase.

People who dont understand it are (apparently) using it to mean "I like sex a lot". It's more about being open and nonjudgemental and wanting to explore consensual activities with their partner.

+1 I see it as “I may already have a kink and don’t want to be shamed for it, plus I may want to look for other possible kinks with you.”

It’s such a turn-off to wear that as a label though. I can like sex and even have kinks without having to join some kind of affinity group. My best lovers would never have pasted that label on themselves.

Did you meet your best lovers via OLD? And did you talk about sex / preferences before you became lovers? Or just dove in?

Why would I talk about it? It’s not like I need to read the reviews on Amazon. Is this why the kids these days aren’t having enough sex?

The issue with OLD is indeed that you can’t tell how much chemistry you have compared to meeting in person. But putting a Tik Tok label on yourself doesn’t solve that - it makes it worse, as if sex is something like a job interview.

Are you asking why you would talk about sex with the person you’re having sex with? Or about to have sex with? Pause and think about this.

If you were going on a date with someone - going out to eat - wouldn’t you ask about food preferences? Aversions?

The question is about *what you put in your profile.* Not how you actually approach sex. And no, I don’t think interviewing someone prior to sex about their sexual preferences is going to yield much information! Is this actually what you think? That by writing an essay about sex and giving yourself some kind of label, you’re going to have good sex? I’m not saying talking about sex is bad but it’s kind of about practice not theory. Talking during sex, well that’s another thing …

From experience… yes, talking about sex before sex yields information about the other person - though of course doesn’t prove total compatibility etc. and as a 50 yo divorced woman, a man’s inability to discuss basic things including preferences is a huge red flag.

So you’re going to sit there at your first coffee date and interview him about how many times a week he likes to do it?

Well - what do you talk about on your first coffee dates? Why not talk about sex since (for me) a huge part of looking for a short or long term partner is to have more / better sex.

because talking about sex over coffee is not something I want to do unless I actually want to have sex with a person, which I don’t know until I’ve, you know, actually touched them. and more importantly talking about sex says zero about whether you will actually enjoy sex with the person.

Listen - we know this isn’t true. If someone expresses to you that they are into bdsm or won’t go down on you or is mostly asexual, then this is info that is going to affect whether you want to have sex with this person.

Communication around sex is a MAJOR issue in relationships. Why are we pretending that this isn’t a skill to explore in initial dating?

[Anonymous]

I view it as meaning they are into different formations of relationships beyond monogamy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When someone selects "sex positivity" as a personality attribute on dating profiles (bumble in this case), what would you say this means?

I sort of interpret it like how sober means they used to be an alcoholic or have alcohol abuse issues, that sex positivity means a whole lot more than just a "normal" healthy value for sex in relationships.

Like that it means they've had serious issues with women and sexual compatability, they are into more wild stuff, they see sex as separate from the rest of the relationship (like being more sex focused instead of intimacy overall).

So I find it a bit of a red flag if that's 1 of the 5 attributes they pick...

Curious how others see it.

They expect lots of sex and no sexual hang ups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are misunderstanding and completely misusing this phrase.

People who dont understand it are (apparently) using it to mean "I like sex a lot". It's more about being open and nonjudgemental and wanting to explore consensual activities with their partner.

+1 I see it as “I may already have a kink and don’t want to be shamed for it, plus I may want to look for other possible kinks with you.”

It’s such a turn-off to wear that as a label though. I can like sex and even have kinks without having to join some kind of affinity group. My best lovers would never have pasted that label on themselves.

Did you meet your best lovers via OLD? And did you talk about sex / preferences before you became lovers? Or just dove in?

Why would I talk about it? It’s not like I need to read the reviews on Amazon. Is this why the kids these days aren’t having enough sex?

The issue with OLD is indeed that you can’t tell how much chemistry you have compared to meeting in person. But putting a Tik Tok label on yourself doesn’t solve that - it makes it worse, as if sex is something like a job interview.

Are you asking why you would talk about sex with the person you’re having sex with? Or about to have sex with? Pause and think about this.

If you were going on a date with someone - going out to eat - wouldn’t you ask about food preferences? Aversions?

The question is about *what you put in your profile.* Not how you actually approach sex. And no, I don’t think interviewing someone prior to sex about their sexual preferences is going to yield much information! Is this actually what you think? That by writing an essay about sex and giving yourself some kind of label, you’re going to have good sex? I’m not saying talking about sex is bad but it’s kind of about practice not theory. Talking during sex, well that’s another thing …

From experience… yes, talking about sex before sex yields information about the other person - though of course doesn’t prove total compatibility etc. and as a 50 yo divorced woman, a man’s inability to discuss basic things including preferences is a huge red flag.

So you’re going to sit there at your first coffee date and interview him about how many times a week he likes to do it?

Well - what do you talk about on your first coffee dates? Why not talk about sex since (for me) a huge part of looking for a short or long term partner is to have more / better sex.

Not PP but I am not talking to a stranger about my sex preferences offer coffee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are misunderstanding and completely misusing this phrase.

People who dont understand it are (apparently) using it to mean "I like sex a lot". It's more about being open and nonjudgemental and wanting to explore consensual activities with their partner.

+1 I see it as “I may already have a kink and don’t want to be shamed for it, plus I may want to look for other possible kinks with you.”

It’s such a turn-off to wear that as a label though. I can like sex and even have kinks without having to join some kind of affinity group. My best lovers would never have pasted that label on themselves.

Did you meet your best lovers via OLD? And did you talk about sex / preferences before you became lovers? Or just dove in?

Why would I talk about it? It’s not like I need to read the reviews on Amazon. Is this why the kids these days aren’t having enough sex?

The issue with OLD is indeed that you can’t tell how much chemistry you have compared to meeting in person. But putting a Tik Tok label on yourself doesn’t solve that - it makes it worse, as if sex is something like a job interview.

Are you asking why you would talk about sex with the person you’re having sex with? Or about to have sex with? Pause and think about this.

If you were going on a date with someone - going out to eat - wouldn’t you ask about food preferences? Aversions?

The question is about *what you put in your profile.* Not how you actually approach sex. And no, I don’t think interviewing someone prior to sex about their sexual preferences is going to yield much information! Is this actually what you think? That by writing an essay about sex and giving yourself some kind of label, you’re going to have good sex? I’m not saying talking about sex is bad but it’s kind of about practice not theory. Talking during sex, well that’s another thing …

From experience… yes, talking about sex before sex yields information about the other person - though of course doesn’t prove total compatibility etc. and as a 50 yo divorced woman, a man’s inability to discuss basic things including preferences is a huge red flag.

So you’re going to sit there at your first coffee date and interview him about how many times a week he likes to do it?

Well - what do you talk about on your first coffee dates? Why not talk about sex since (for me) a huge part of looking for a short or long term partner is to have more / better sex.

Not PP but I am not talking to a stranger about my sex preferences offer coffee.

Ok - when in the dating timeline do you talk about sex? What do you want to know about the other person?

[Anonymous]

I dated a “sex positive” guy before and it was very much what he wanted with little regard with what I wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would expect this is a man trying to weed out women who view sex as an optional thing that is nice when the stars aligned. As a man who views sex as an ESSENTIAL regular part of a relationship, I fully understand wanting to weed those women out.

100%.

Of course, American social decorum dictates coded language be employed in this way.

I wouldn’t put it in a profile if I was single, but I would want to know if a woman saw sex as some sort of special event and less akin to, say, a normal healthy workout. Sex is so important to men in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a “sex positive” guy before and it was very much what he wanted with little regard with what I wanted.

Which was what? Sex once every three weeks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are misunderstanding and completely misusing this phrase.

People who dont understand it are (apparently) using it to mean "I like sex a lot". It's more about being open and nonjudgemental and wanting to explore consensual activities with their partner.

+1 I see it as “I may already have a kink and don’t want to be shamed for it, plus I may want to look for other possible kinks with you.”

It’s such a turn-off to wear that as a label though. I can like sex and even have kinks without having to join some kind of affinity group. My best lovers would never have pasted that label on themselves.

Did you meet your best lovers via OLD? And did you talk about sex / preferences before you became lovers? Or just dove in?

Why would I talk about it? It’s not like I need to read the reviews on Amazon. Is this why the kids these days aren’t having enough sex?

The issue with OLD is indeed that you can’t tell how much chemistry you have compared to meeting in person. But putting a Tik Tok label on yourself doesn’t solve that - it makes it worse, as if sex is something like a job interview.

Are you asking why you would talk about sex with the person you’re having sex with? Or about to have sex with? Pause and think about this.

If you were going on a date with someone - going out to eat - wouldn’t you ask about food preferences? Aversions?

The question is about *what you put in your profile.* Not how you actually approach sex. And no, I don’t think interviewing someone prior to sex about their sexual preferences is going to yield much information! Is this actually what you think? That by writing an essay about sex and giving yourself some kind of label, you’re going to have good sex? I’m not saying talking about sex is bad but it’s kind of about practice not theory. Talking during sex, well that’s another thing …

From experience… yes, talking about sex before sex yields information about the other person - though of course doesn’t prove total compatibility etc. and as a 50 yo divorced woman, a man’s inability to discuss basic things including preferences is a huge red flag.

So you’re going to sit there at your first coffee date and interview him about how many times a week he likes to do it?

Well - what do you talk about on your first coffee dates? Why not talk about sex since (for me) a huge part of looking for a short or long term partner is to have more / better sex.

because talking about sex over coffee is not something I want to do unless I actually want to have sex with a person, which I don’t know until I’ve, you know, actually touched them. and more importantly talking about sex says zero about whether you will actually enjoy sex with the person.

Listen - we know this isn’t true. If someone expresses to you that they are into bdsm or won’t go down on you or is mostly asexual, then this is info that is going to affect whether you want to have sex with this person.

Communication around sex is a MAJOR issue in relationships. Why are we pretending that this isn’t a skill to explore in initial dating?

At the first coffee date??? I guess if you have some sexual thing that is really rigid and unusual like you are asexual or are looking for a sub, then yes, that would be something to discuss on the first date, but I assume you’d be on a specialty dating or hookup site that already made that clear.

Otherwise no, I’m not going into detail about sex on the first date before I even have any idea if I’m even going to kiss my date.

Sex is something you do, not contract up front with a bunch of terms you hash out on paper ahead of time. I mean, unless that’s your thing …

The main point here is yes, talking about sex is great. No, not via a label in your OLD profile or on the first date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are misunderstanding and completely misusing this phrase.

People who dont understand it are (apparently) using it to mean "I like sex a lot". It's more about being open and nonjudgemental and wanting to explore consensual activities with their partner.

+1 I see it as “I may already have a kink and don’t want to be shamed for it, plus I may want to look for other possible kinks with you.”

It’s such a turn-off to wear that as a label though. I can like sex and even have kinks without having to join some kind of affinity group. My best lovers would never have pasted that label on themselves.

Did you meet your best lovers via OLD? And did you talk about sex / preferences before you became lovers? Or just dove in?

Why would I talk about it? It’s not like I need to read the reviews on Amazon. Is this why the kids these days aren’t having enough sex?

The issue with OLD is indeed that you can’t tell how much chemistry you have compared to meeting in person. But putting a Tik Tok label on yourself doesn’t solve that - it makes it worse, as if sex is something like a job interview.

Are you asking why you would talk about sex with the person you’re having sex with? Or about to have sex with? Pause and think about this.

If you were going on a date with someone - going out to eat - wouldn’t you ask about food preferences? Aversions?

The question is about *what you put in your profile.* Not how you actually approach sex. And no, I don’t think interviewing someone prior to sex about their sexual preferences is going to yield much information! Is this actually what you think? That by writing an essay about sex and giving yourself some kind of label, you’re going to have good sex? I’m not saying talking about sex is bad but it’s kind of about practice not theory. Talking during sex, well that’s another thing …

From experience… yes, talking about sex before sex yields information about the other person - though of course doesn’t prove total compatibility etc. and as a 50 yo divorced woman, a man’s inability to discuss basic things including preferences is a huge red flag.

So you’re going to sit there at your first coffee date and interview him about how many times a week he likes to do it?

Well - what do you talk about on your first coffee dates? Why not talk about sex since (for me) a huge part of looking for a short or long term partner is to have more / better sex.

Not PP but I am not talking to a stranger about my sex preferences offer coffee.

Ok - when in the dating timeline do you talk about sex? What do you want to know about the other person?

when I know if I actually want to have sex with the person. talking about sex in the abstract, when you’re not actually being intimate, is going to give you zero information about whether you enjoy having sex with a person.