kid just failed out of college, now what? and what does future look like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with your situation. Here are outcomes I have seen/known about. Some involved mental health issues, others not. Maybe this will help.

#1 HS female friend. No mental health issues. B+ student type. Picked in-state specialized urban college far from home, hated it (too hard, too much science). Flunked. Almost no transfer credit. Moved home. Commuted to new college for four years. Bachelor's and later master's in health-related profession. Successful, happy.

#2 male relative. Somewhat introverted, no mental health issues. Picked specialized music school many states away. Flunked out/abandoned career choice. Came home. Took some community college and maybe some State U classes in computer science. Quit. Moved in with other relative out of state and went to culinary school. Became chef and then kitchen/cooking business manager type chef (financial/management responsibilities). Launched successfully but less financially stable than others in family due to industry choice.

#3 male relative. Possibly some ADHD or other minor issues. Dropped out of Ivy and a state U. Never went back. Lived with parents into adulthood and became valued eldercare support system. Did many odd jobs and careers (unsuccessful realtor). Had a fun life though relied on the government and family as safety net and rich friends for free vacations. Is a homeowner. Now eligible for Medicare & Social Security. Doesn't seem to have any regrets and usually has lots of friends.

#4 male relative. No mental health issues known but possibly some introversion and temporary depression. A student type. Dropped/flunked out of rich kid SLAC due to social misfit. Holed up video gaming his first semester and tanked his grades. Moved home or near parents. Attended cooking school and also local university. Spent year teaching abroad. Now teaches English in elementary school. Happy and on track.

#5 freshman year female roommate at State U. On medication. Depressed. Regularly oversleeping and missing classes. Flunking courses in her major and skipping key class with the only instructor in her initial area of interest. Found boyfriend during end of 2nd semester, became happier, and started repositioning. We didn't stay in touch but I heard she changed her major and returned the following year.

#6 friend's kid. Known family mental health history. Depressive tendencies and excessive videogaming in high school. Flunked out of State U and could not agree to return/readmision program. Pot smoking involved. Moved back in with parents and worked a little but eventually moved several states away to live with cousin and work dead-end job. Still young so still in the figuring it out stage.

Summing across all of this...

1) It's quite possible to recover from an incinerated freshman year.

2) Do your best to help your child keep obsessions/habits/substance abuse from becoming crutches for school failure/failure to launch (this is hard, and deeply personal).

3) Some people can be quite happy without being conventionally successful.

4) Other relatives may help provide stability and connection to family while avoiding direct parent-child cohabitating/control issues.

Wishing you luck helping your child.

This is such a helpful post. Thank you for taking the time to write this, as I believe it is helpful for many of us to see these examples and take-aways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids with ADHD mature at a much slower rate than neurotypical kids. This is a well known part of the condition. Work on getting her depression under control and require her to have a job. She may be ready for college in another year or two.

She might be depressed just because deep inside she knows she can do so much more and yet she's failing. I'd treat her ADHD first. Getting a tutor or anything that trains her to have regular schedule would be helpful also.

It's definitely true that kids with ADHD mature much slower and that's ok. Once she finds what she really likes she could become a powerhouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. I think it's going to take this kids years to mature and figure it out.
Yes, she's on meds and has been in therapy for years already.
Yep, we're not eager to send her back to college to fail again (due to lack of skills and maturity). She'll likely get a full-time job and maybe CC at some point.
I'm not eager to keep wasting money on tuition.

You give me hope that maturity may come later on a longer path

My brother failed out - partying too much and not going to class. After working for a couple of years at minimum wage jobs, he decided he wanted to return to school. My dad agreed to pay for it BUT he had to live at home. My dad could make sure he was going to class, not partying, etc. He ended up enrolling in a local state college. I think he was about 26 when he graduated and immediately began a successful career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks all. I think it's going to take this kids years to mature and figure it out.
Yes, she's on meds and has been in therapy for years already.
Yep, we're not eager to send her back to college to fail again (due to lack of skills and maturity). She'll likely get a full-time job and maybe CC at some point.
I'm not eager to keep wasting money on tuition.

You give me hope that maturity may come later on a longer path

My brother failed out - partying too much and not going to class. After working for a couple of years at minimum wage jobs, he decided he wanted to return to school. My dad agreed to pay for it BUT he had to live at home. My dad could make sure he was going to class, not partying, etc. He ended up enrolling in a local state college. I think he was about 26 when he graduated and immediately began a successful career.

+1 My husband dropped out a few times before finally graduating from college. He's still young, top of his field, and fulfilled. I'm sure there were some dark moments in his early years though.

[Anonymous]

OK this is going to sound like I am just trying to drop "ivy" but read on...I went to an ivy when it was much easier to get in and I knew quite a few people who started failing since I was in the partying crowd. My roommate took a leave of absence due to failing classes from going out too much and then depression as she fell behind. Had another friend who started flunking due to alcoholism. Now unlike me, they were both wealthy, so I am not sure if they got special treatment, but both got to come back and finish.

A guy on my gall flunked out because he was not going to class and got into drugs and his parents had him move back home. I think after treatment they just had him live at home and go to a local college.

Also, there were a bunch of females who at some point had to take time off due to anorexia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK this is going to sound like I am just trying to drop "ivy" but read on...I went to an ivy when it was much easier to get in and I knew quite a few people who started failing since I was in the partying crowd. My roommate took a leave of absence due to failing classes from going out too much and then depression as she fell behind. Had another friend who started flunking due to alcoholism. Now unlike me, they were both wealthy, so I am not sure if they got special treatment, but both got to come back and finish.

A guy on my gall flunked out because he was not going to class and got into drugs and his parents had him move back home. I think after treatment they just had him live at home and go to a local college.

Also, there were a bunch of females who at some point had to take time off due to anorexia.

Yeah, you were just trying to drop Ivy. Your post contributes to nothing and is completely unhelpful to the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK this is going to sound like I am just trying to drop "ivy" but read on...I went to an ivy when it was much easier to get in and I knew quite a few people who started failing since I was in the partying crowd. My roommate took a leave of absence due to failing classes from going out too much and then depression as she fell behind. Had another friend who started flunking due to alcoholism. Now unlike me, they were both wealthy, so I am not sure if they got special treatment, but both got to come back and finish.

A guy on my gall flunked out because he was not going to class and got into drugs and his parents had him move back home. I think after treatment they just had him live at home and go to a local college.

Also, there were a bunch of females who at some point had to take time off due to anorexia.

Yeah, you were just trying to drop Ivy. Your post contributes to nothing and is completely unhelpful to the OP.

I disagree. It's a life experience the person felt awkward about sharing.

Drugs and alcohol are big issues at college. What happens afterwards is relevant.

[Anonymous]

Did your DD actually fail out or is she on academic probation?

My freshman DD, with ADHD had a 1.7 this past semester. She got behind, got overwhelmed and stopped going to certain classes. She started with 18 credits but dropped 2 classes.

We’re letting her go back for one semester but the school is limiting her to 12 credits.

Hoping with maturity and less classes she will turn it around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with your situation. Here are outcomes I have seen/known about. Some involved mental health issues, others not. Maybe this will help.

#1 HS female friend. No mental health issues. B+ student type. Picked in-state specialized urban college far from home, hated it (too hard, too much science). Flunked. Almost no transfer credit. Moved home. Commuted to new college for four years. Bachelor's and later master's in health-related profession. Successful, happy.

#2 male relative. Somewhat introverted, no mental health issues. Picked specialized music school many states away. Flunked out/abandoned career choice. Came home. Took some community college and maybe some State U classes in computer science. Quit. Moved in with other relative out of state and went to culinary school. Became chef and then kitchen/cooking business manager type chef (financial/management responsibilities). Launched successfully but less financially stable than others in family due to industry choice.

#3 male relative. Possibly some ADHD or other minor issues. Dropped out of Ivy and a state U. Never went back. Lived with parents into adulthood and became valued eldercare support system. Did many odd jobs and careers (unsuccessful realtor). Had a fun life though relied on the government and family as safety net and rich friends for free vacations. Is a homeowner. Now eligible for Medicare & Social Security. Doesn't seem to have any regrets and usually has lots of friends.

#4 male relative. No mental health issues known but possibly some introversion and temporary depression. A student type. Dropped/flunked out of rich kid SLAC due to social misfit. Holed up video gaming his first semester and tanked his grades. Moved home or near parents. Attended cooking school and also local university. Spent year teaching abroad. Now teaches English in elementary school. Happy and on track.

#5 freshman year female roommate at State U. On medication. Depressed. Regularly oversleeping and missing classes. Flunking courses in her major and skipping key class with the only instructor in her initial area of interest. Found boyfriend during end of 2nd semester, became happier, and started repositioning. We didn't stay in touch but I heard she changed her major and returned the following year.

#6 friend's kid. Known family mental health history. Depressive tendencies and excessive videogaming in high school. Flunked out of State U and could not agree to return/readmision program. Pot smoking involved. Moved back in with parents and worked a little but eventually moved several states away to live with cousin and work dead-end job. Still young so still in the figuring it out stage.

Summing across all of this...

1) It's quite possible to recover from an incinerated freshman year.

2) Do your best to help your child keep obsessions/habits/substance abuse from becoming crutches for school failure/failure to launch (this is hard, and deeply personal).

3) Some people can be quite happy without being conventionally successful.

4) Other relatives may help provide stability and connection to family while avoiding direct parent-child cohabitating/control issues.

Wishing you luck helping your child.

This is such a helpful post. Thank you for taking the time to write this, as I believe it is helpful for many of us to see these examples and take-aways.

I'm so sorry OP. This is my niece. She was dismissed from a SLAC with a letter telling her what she needed to do to return. It involved two years at a calif community college maintaining a certain GPA. She did it and returned. OP., do you have any commitment about return from your DC's college? If not, ask!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You give her 90 days to come up with an actionable plan. This is her future, not yours. That plan needs to include: The steps taken to assist with her mental health. This could include setting up an appointment with a therapist. This could also include medication. She needs a career/college plan: She must enroll in community college or get a job. She needs to figure out her living situation. This could include paying your monthly or finding her own place to live. Once that plan is given (within 90 days), she has another 90 days of probation to see it through. If you do not see her being successful, then pack all of her belongings and drive her to a womans shelter. DUECES!

Not how ADHD and depression works with anyone, let alone an 18yo, who is obviously immature (ADHD does that). SHe's likely at the point where she "cannot just help herself"---she needs the adults in her life to assist with that and to be firm about her getting the help she desperately needs


You need to stay on top of it and help her put a plan in place. Make therapy and getting medicated (for ADHD and depression) a key part of it. Until you do that, you will just be running in circles with everything else. Let her know she is loved and you are here to help. I'd suggest a PT job for now. I'd put off any CC until summer/fall.

+1. You have to address the underlying cause, whether it's immaturity, mental health, or the simple fact that 4-year college isn't for everybody - even smart kids from rigorous schools and competitive communities. No pushing right into jobs and community college until there's been an opportunity for reflection, therapy, medication, or just rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your DD actually fail out or is she on academic probation?

My freshman DD, with ADHD had a 1.7 this past semester. She got behind, got overwhelmed and stopped going to certain classes. She started with 18 credits but dropped 2 classes.

We’re letting her go back for one semester but the school is limiting her to 12 credits.

Hoping with maturity and less classes she will turn it around.

This was my dd last year. Got a 2.0 first semester, came home for winter break and said she knew what went wrong and said she would work harder. She dropped all her classes in April and came home. The classes got harder and she just did not keep up. Now at CC. Good luck. We still waiting for the maturity to kick in a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bring her home and have her start a local job. Make an appointment with her primary care doctor, and with a therapist. Keep trying out jobs it until she finds something that sticks, there are plenty of jobs that do not require degrees. She can go to community college in a year or two after she matures and has her mental health under control. This is not the end of the world.

This.

And I will tell you what to NOT do. Don’t pay her rent and allow her to live in an apartment. You need to have her move home and then monitor her mental
health progress. Tie your financial support and privileges to her commitment to wellness and to maintaining a job that is at least 15 hours per week.

[Anonymous]

I failed out of college. Went to my local CC to get my GPA back up, got reinstated and graduated. I make lower six figures in a profession I enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Can I offer a different perspective?

I failed out freshman year. It was shameful, humiliating, and one of the most traumatic experiences on my life on multiple levels. Turns out I had an undiagnosed mental illness which was wasn't actually diagnosed until 10 years later when I was postpartum, but I digress.

What helped ME was not being forced to work. That would have shown me that I had no chance in school and no future outside of a minimum wage job. Not good for someone already suicidal from their failure. Instead, my parents required I attend community college: they paid for the classes I failed, plus one fun elective a semester.

We did try counseling, but since I was misdiagnosed, it wasn't helpful. You're ahead of the game there. Make controlling her ADHD a condition of living at home or receiving whatever other support you're giving.

After just a semester of community college, I returned to my T5 engineering program and graduated. I now have a masters. Neither of those would have happened had I settled for working at Taco Bell.

[Anonymous]

I dropped out before I failed out and had to work some low-paying jobs for a bit to let reality hit me hard in the face before I got my stuff together and got back into school (paying me own way at first because my parents weren't willing to foot the bill when I had assed around the first time, but once they saw my grades and commitment to it as well as all the jobs I was working to pay for it, they did help)