kid just failed out of college, now what? and what does future look like?

[Anonymous]

My dd just failed out of college in a big way. Stopped going to classes, stopped doing work, etc, sleeping all day.
She's smart (test scores, etc), but has depression and ADHD and shows no signs of trying to manage it .

So, please tell me your stories if you had kids who failed out. What does the next 5 years look like for them? Any words of advice? We don't live well together, so this is going to be stressful.

[Anonymous]

1 more point- not too depressed to party a lot and have some friends

[Anonymous]

I have a high school senior with ADHD and depression, who wants to go to college to have a social life, and I worry so much this will be her.

I'm so sorry OP, for the worry this is causing you.

I've been running scenarios in my mind, and who knows maybe my kid will keep it together. Do you bring her home give her no money and have her work? Enroll in community college?

I don't know. I wish you good luck.

[Anonymous]

Get her medical help to address the depression and ADHD. Community college and a job. If you feel so inclined, have her pay a nominal amount in rent that you give back to her when she launches. You know your kid better than us, will tough love or some handholding work better?

[Anonymous]

Bring her home and have her start a local job. Make an appointment with her primary care doctor, and with a therapist. Keep trying out jobs it until she finds something that sticks, there are plenty of jobs that do not require degrees. She can go to community college in a year or two after she matures and has her mental health under control. This is not the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

How is that failing out? Why isn't that suspension/probation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a high school senior with ADHD and depression, who wants to go to college to have a social life, and I worry so much this will be her.

I'm so sorry OP, for the worry this is causing you.

I've been running scenarios in my mind, and who knows maybe my kid will keep it together. Do you bring her home give her no money and have her work? Enroll in community college?

I don't know. I wish you good luck.

OP here- I'm convinced she would have failed no matter what, but in hindsight, I would have (or next time will):
- had her waive all FERPA rights and give us full access to her grades, etc. that way I could have seen real-time when she started falling off a cliff, so we could intervene.
- got her set up with a tutor/Exec Function coach there who helped her stay on track weekly, complete assignments, etc
- watched her location and called her to tell her to get her as* to class when she was still in her dorm room
Although I now know she's never going to mature until she takes accountability and responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Mine hasn’t yet made it to college. But here’s what I can tell you about post HS without any education. Things depend a lot on what your child chooses to do and how much, if at all, you are going to provide financial support - which includes car, money, cellphone, bus fare, rides to places etc. It also depends on what you’ll tolerate in terms of having her live at home and whether you’re going to enforce any rules, requirements (ie, chores, respect, family time, etc).

First word to the wise. If you’re not going to enforce a rule, expectation, requirement or whatever, don’t make it a rule or requirement. Once there is refusal and you do nothing, you’ve set a pattern and digging out it tough.

Second, if you don’t already know this, a cellphone is a necessity for job hunting, bus schedules, etc. So don’t take it unless there is a good reason like she’s using it to deal drugs.

The rest is preference. We don’t give money or use of a car so mine always works. It took awhile, but motivation to be more than a barista has crept in after two and a half years so he’s taking steps to get to community college - I won’t pay for more until he proves himself. But again this is preference. Some people are fine with their kid staying long term. Me, I just need him to be able to take care of himself before I am no longer able.

[Anonymous]

Is she a freshman? Sounds like me freshman year. I was a prime candidate for a gap year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a high school senior with ADHD and depression, who wants to go to college to have a social life, and I worry so much this will be her.

I'm so sorry OP, for the worry this is causing you.

I've been running scenarios in my mind, and who knows maybe my kid will keep it together. Do you bring her home give her no money and have her work? Enroll in community college?

I don't know. I wish you good luck.

OP here- I'm convinced she would have failed no matter what, but in hindsight, I would have (or next time will):
- had her waive all FERPA rights and give us full access to her grades, etc. that way I could have seen real-time when she started falling off a cliff, so we could intervene.
- got her set up with a tutor/Exec Function coach there who helped her stay on track weekly, complete assignments, etc
- watched her location and called her to tell her to get her as* to class when she was still in her dorm room
Although I now know she's never going to mature until she takes accountability and responsibility.

This is too much though. She isn't ready for college, and that's okay. She will mature and she will grow, but first she needs to reset and take care of her mental health. That's the basic building block for any type of independent life.

This isn't YOUR failure. I say that gently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a high school senior with ADHD and depression, who wants to go to college to have a social life, and I worry so much this will be her.

I'm so sorry OP, for the worry this is causing you.

I've been running scenarios in my mind, and who knows maybe my kid will keep it together. Do you bring her home give her no money and have her work? Enroll in community college?

I don't know. I wish you good luck.

OP here- I'm convinced she would have failed no matter what, but in hindsight, I would have (or next time will):
- had her waive all FERPA rights and give us full access to her grades, etc. that way I could have seen real-time when she started falling off a cliff, so we could intervene.
- got her set up with a tutor/Exec Function coach there who helped her stay on track weekly, complete assignments, etc
- watched her location and called her to tell her to get her as* to class when she was still in her dorm room
Although I now know she's never going to mature until she takes accountability and responsibility.

This is too much though. She isn't ready for college, and that's okay. She will mature and she will grow, but first she needs to reset and take care of her mental health. That's the basic building block for any type of independent life.

This isn't YOUR failure. I say that gently.

This. OP, if you did all that, then what would you do after graduation when the kid (not yet an adult) gets a job?
Drive her to work every day?

[Anonymous]

This is no where near as important as your DD's health, but I will say anyway.

Re: Academics, you need to know her official standing: any credits she has earned, what the university states, officially, is the path for re-enrollment.

I trust when you say she "failed-out" that the university will not let her continue. That there is no way she can stay enrolled, as far as the university is concerned. It's just there are too many parents that use "failed-out" when they really mean -as parents- they aren't allowing their student to go back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bring her home and have her start a local job. Make an appointment with her primary care doctor, and with a therapist. Keep trying out jobs it until she finds something that sticks, there are plenty of jobs that do not require degrees. She can go to community college in a year or two after she matures and has her mental health under control. This is not the end of the world.

Completely agree with this sound advice.

[Anonymous]

The what to do depends on what works for your family but the what not to do is do not allow return to house with no job, everything paid for and done by you. By not going to classes, made default choice to move to different phase of life and that should be job/work and not just party or video game at parents house. Also set expectations if “fails” at not college- meaning, what will you allow, not allow so clear from start the choices and then stick by them. Other poster says don’t say stuff won’t enforce- that’s a big one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1 more point- not too depressed to party a lot and have some friends

This is self-medicating.