kid just failed out of college, now what? and what does future look like?

[Anonymous]

My younger BIL flunked out of the same college, not once, but twice. After the first time he moved in with a relative and went to community college, and did fine. But when back at the larger college again, he couldn't keep up. His biggest issue was if he couldn't get an A, then the work was not worth doing. Some classes you just try to survive and get a C in...he, mentally, could not accept that, so if he got a bad grade then he just gave up in that class for the rest of the semester.

After the second time, he moved in with a friend and got a full time job. He worked for a few years then he and his girlfriend moved to another state, and he started attending community school while working part time. He transferred those credits to a state school and went full time to complete a degree. After getting a full time job, that job paid for an MBA so he did that at the same state school as well while working. He's successful and doing well.

I'm not sure everyone is ready for college all at the same age...I figure my BIL just needed some time to mature and get some life experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1 more point- not too depressed to party a lot and have some friends

Because of the ADHD, it means she can focus ( even hyper focus) on the things in which she had interest.
Is she in therapy with an ADHD Focused therapist?
It’s important to remember that this is just a season, a moment in time. SHE is not a failure , she is just learning some hard lessons.
Personally, to come home , the starting ground rules would be the following:
1) IN THERAPY
2) Full or almost full time job( ted lobster or the footlocker, who cares as long as she has to be somewhere and is getting a paycheck
3) We need to have family therapy
4) She is committed to working on her executive functioning issues

- yes we have a ADHD kid in college. It ain’t for the weak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a high school senior with ADHD and depression, who wants to go to college to have a social life, and I worry so much this will be her.

I'm so sorry OP, for the worry this is causing you.

I've been running scenarios in my mind, and who knows maybe my kid will keep it together. Do you bring her home give her no money and have her work? Enroll in community college?

I don't know. I wish you good luck.

OP here- I'm convinced she would have failed no matter what, but in hindsight, I would have (or next time will):
- had her waive all FERPA rights and give us full access to her grades, etc. that way I could have seen real-time when she started falling off a cliff, so we could intervene.
- got her set up with a tutor/Exec Function coach there who helped her stay on track weekly, complete assignments, etc
- watched her location and called her to tell her to get her as* to class when she was still in her dorm room
Although I now know she's never going to mature until she takes accountability and responsibility.

Some of these are good but all you can do is establish boundaries, you cannot make her mature. ADHD kids often lag in maturity by 2-3 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You give her 90 days to come up with an actionable plan. This is her future, not yours. That plan needs to include: The steps taken to assist with her mental health. This could include setting up an appointment with a therapist. This could also include medication. She needs a career/college plan: She must enroll in community college or get a job. She needs to figure out her living situation. This could include paying your monthly or finding her own place to live. Once that plan is given (within 90 days), she has another 90 days of probation to see it through. If you do not see her being successful, then pack all of her belongings and drive her to a womans shelter. DUECES!

DP here
PP, you don’t have a kid with ADHD do you? That means there are extreme challenges with executive functioning. So if she could make plans and follow thru and prioritize she would not be in this position now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does everyone’s kid have ADHD, depression and/or anxiety?

Seems like it. At least in DCUM-land.

If you go elsewhere in the country you will see that young adults MUST figure out a way to launch as their families simply do not have the resources to support them. In fact, many of them MUST work in order for the family to meet basic expenses. And this is begins in high school when they first are able to work legally! If they go out on their own, they have to fully-support themselves and usually get roommates. They figure out how to get along.

Depressed because your BF/GF broke up with you? Anxious because there is a bully at your fast-food job? Tough. If you don't work, the family/you can't pay the electric bill or put gas in the tank. Get up, get out and get to work.

There is a whole different world outside DVM.

How ignorant can you be to actually try to make a comparison between one family’s harsh economic realities and another dealing with ADHD. ADHD is real , and just because you are ignorant about does not change that fact. And I hate to Telly out but a lot of those, out in the world fast food job to support myself and my family have it too.

[Anonymous]

Some of these are good but all you can do is establish boundaries, you cannot make her mature. ADHD kids often lag in maturity by 2-3 years.

+1 This was me four years ago. First of all, take care of yourself and your mental health. This can be overwhelming and you as a parent will feel like a failure. It’s not your fault. My DC moved home and switched to community college, got an on-campus job, went back on ADHD meds and slowly pulled themself back out of the depression/academic failure spiral. Your DC can do it with your love, support and patience. Looking back, my DC was not ready for a 4-year college but they are now thriving and will graduate from a 4-year college next year. Wishing you and your DC the best of luck! P.S. ADHD meds really work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The military is a good option.

Not with her depression.

Agree. I don't know why people think the military is a panacea for floundering young adults with mental health problems. It takes a hell of a lot more resiliency and stamina to just get through boot camp, let alone be successful in an environment that demands self-sacrifice and synchronized teamwork.

I think military is the go-to solution for lower income/blue collar types. Authoritarian your way out of behaviors you don't agree with. Not always the wisest strategy.

[Anonymous]

Good luck. Two nephews (different families) had rough first years and dropped out. A few years out, both doing okay. It’s taken focus.
Been a process of community college and work. One now back on track for a bachelors.

[Anonymous]

Does she have her own money?

[Anonymous]

DD flunked out. She wanted to stay in her college town, so we told her she needed to get a job and support herself. We still pay for her car and health insurance, but that gets cut off when she turns 21 if she’s not a FT student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a high school senior with ADHD and depression, who wants to go to college to have a social life, and I worry so much this will be her.

I'm so sorry OP, for the worry this is causing you.

I've been running scenarios in my mind, and who knows maybe my kid will keep it together. Do you bring her home give her no money and have her work? Enroll in community college?

I don't know. I wish you good luck.

OP here- I'm convinced she would have failed no matter what, but in hindsight, I would have (or next time will):
- had her waive all FERPA rights and give us full access to her grades, etc. that way I could have seen real-time when she started falling off a cliff, so we could intervene.
- got her set up with a tutor/Exec Function coach there who helped her stay on track weekly, complete assignments, etc
- watched her location and called her to tell her to get her as* to class when she was still in her dorm room
Although I now know she's never going to mature until she takes accountability and responsibility.

My daughter has a very similar profile and yes, I did all of the above. It’s still been a struggle. She’s limping along. ADHD and depression are real darn things and they really get in the way of things like boring school. I like the idea of a job and maybe one or two classes at community college, and even at home go ahead and get her a Tutor or Executive function coach so that you don’t get in the middle of that and have a lot of fighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids with ADHD mature at a much slower rate than neurotypical kids. This is a well known part of the condition. Work on getting her depression under control and require her to have a job. She may be ready for college in another year or two.

I did not know this at all! This explains oldest kid now and me as a college kid. Thank you for sharing this!

DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids with ADHD mature at a much slower rate than neurotypical kids. This is a well known part of the condition. Work on getting her depression under control and require her to have a job. She may be ready for college in another year or two.

I did not know this at all! This explains oldest kid now and me as a college kid. Thank you for sharing this!

DP

I am curious...do most parents suggest GAP years for ADHD kids? Seems like that is a wise move.

[Anonymous]

I failed out of college - actually was kicked out. I went back on my own dime, got an advanced degree, and have a well-paying career now (late thirties). Don’t worry! Your kid will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I failed out of college - actually was kicked out. I went back on my own dime, got an advanced degree, and have a well-paying career now (late thirties). Don’t worry! Your kid will be fine.

Why were you kicked out? What did you do before going back? Why did it go differently after you went back?