kid just failed out of college, now what? and what does future look like?
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Anonymous
Agree, and the self medicating needs to stop. It won't stop until something else helps with her depression (therapy and medication). When her friends remain at college, she will naturally have a period of alone time. At least until June when everyone comes home. The time to get her help is now. |
Anonymous
No, don't coddle. She's an adult now. At some point she needs to take personal responsibility. She failed out. That's fine. Regroup. Maybe some time flipping burgers or another menial job will put the value of continuing her education into some much-needed perspective. Get her medicated for the depression, too. That can help. But don't coddle. Stop rescuing. |
Anonymous
^Bingo! Got to get to the root of the problem w/ ADHD & depression. Plus, help DD get a "win" in something - sometimes that is all it takes to turn the tide. They have to see they can excel and accomplish goals and that goes a long way to giving them confidence and tenacity to go after their goals. |
Anonymous
| The military is a good option. |
Anonymous
| You give her 90 days to come up with an actionable plan. This is her future, not yours. That plan needs to include: The steps taken to assist with her mental health. This could include setting up an appointment with a therapist. This could also include medication. She needs a career/college plan: She must enroll in community college or get a job. She needs to figure out her living situation. This could include paying your monthly or finding her own place to live. Once that plan is given (within 90 days), she has another 90 days of probation to see it through. If you do not see her being successful, then pack all of her belongings and drive her to a womans shelter. DUECES! |
Anonymous
Sending a depressed person to the military is not a good option. |
Anonymous
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What type of school was she at?
We steered ADHD kid to smaller private school so there was more accountability. There are those that say they are not going to pay because they do not know if they are going to be successful - we did the reverse in paying in order to be successful. I agree with others to go pack up the dorm and bring your DD home and get an appt with mental health provider. Sit down in a way that there is no shame - no blame - but a conversation about a path forward. Maybe take an art class in the spring - along with getting a job as a lifeguard. I like lifeguarding as it forces accountability for exercise and puts your child in an environment where they are not staying out all night after the restaurant close - but this is only my opinion. Good luck to you and your family. |
Anonymous
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I have a nephew who it sounds like was in a similar situation to your daughter about 2 years ago. He was depressed, and Covid years had done a number on him. My sister and BIL had him come live at home, he got a job at a factory (I'm not sure what he was doing there) and got in with a good therapist. He worked the factory job for 1.5 years and last summer decided he was ready to try college again. He's back, going to class, getting good grades, with a totally new perspective.
I have another friend who left college after a semester with a 0.6 GPA and started working construction. It turns out it was his life's dream to drive a bulldozer. He still does it, 30 years later, and still loves it. |
Anonymous
| Kids with ADHD mature at a much slower rate than neurotypical kids. This is a well known part of the condition. Work on getting her depression under control and require her to have a job. She may be ready for college in another year or two. |
Anonymous
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This happened to DH. He worked crappy jobs for a few years, went back to school while still working (Nova then GMU) and got an entry level job in his 20s that became a successful career. Neither he nor his parents acknowledge the likely depression and ADD, so if you can get your kid help you will be doing better than many.
A friend of the family is in the middle of this right now, with more serious health issues. She's living at home while they figure out what she could reasonably do on her own. |
Anonymous
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This was me and, spoiler alert, I’m a doctor now who completed undergraduate, a masters program, medical school, and residency.
I was sleeping through classes and couldn’t function because of ADHD and depression and anxiety. I “failed” out, but we were able to work with the university that I could come back after receiving mental health treatment and showing that I was taking classes (I took a couple at a community college). One thing to caution - please don’t put a crazy amount to pressure or shame on your child. My parents did and I had such a hard time getting back on my feet. When I was ready to launch again, they were very reluctant to let me go. In fact, they told me I couldn't. I went (and so happy I did) but our relationship has never been the same. |
Anonymous
If you still need to do ALL of the above, then your kid is NOT ready for 4 year college/living on campus. Bring her home. Get her ADHD and depression under control. Have her get a job and attend CC (I'd start with PT and keep a job). Then get an EF coach/life skills tutoring to help her learn to manage the ADHD and depression in real life. But IMO if you have to call your kid to tell them to get their ass to class, they are not ready for a 4 year/living on campus situation. Let them mature a bit before wasting your money. It's very common with ADHD to be "immature", add in depression and college can be a bit much to manage |
Anonymous
| I failed out. I was failing all my classes - they were all too hard. The only class I passed was gym. Came home. I immediately tried to take a three-week winter session class at the local community college and failed that. My father then insisted I get a full time job. I worked customer service in a furniture company. Then I got sick (quit the job) for several months throughout the spring and summer and wound up having to re-learn how to walk. Then I got a job as a substitute teacher's aide (part time). Took one class at the community college. Finally passed it. Got a full time job as a receptionist. Took classes part time at night. Spent five years getting my associates degree. By that time I had a job as a legal secretary at a law firm. 25+ years later, I am still a legal secretary. School nearly killed me. I'm just not cut out for learning that way. |
Anonymous
Not how ADHD and depression works with anyone, let alone an 18yo, who is obviously immature (ADHD does that). SHe's likely at the point where she "cannot just help herself"---she needs the adults in her life to assist with that and to be firm about her getting the help she desperately needs You need to stay on top of it and help her put a plan in place. Make therapy and getting medicated (for ADHD and depression) a key part of it. Until you do that, you will just be running in circles with everything else. Let her know she is loved and you are here to help. I'd suggest a PT job for now. I'd put off any CC until summer/fall. |
Anonymous
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I sympathize with your situation. Here are outcomes I have seen/known about. Some involved mental health issues, others not. Maybe this will help.
#1 HS female friend. No mental health issues. B+ student type. Picked in-state specialized urban college far from home, hated it (too hard, too much science). Flunked. Almost no transfer credit. Moved home. Commuted to new college for four years. Bachelor's and later master's in health-related profession. Successful, happy. #2 male relative. Somewhat introverted, no mental health issues. Picked specialized music school many states away. Flunked out/abandoned career choice. Came home. Took some community college and maybe some State U classes in computer science. Quit. Moved in with other relative out of state and went to culinary school. Became chef and then kitchen/cooking business manager type chef (financial/management responsibilities). Launched successfully but less financially stable than others in family due to industry choice. #3 male relative. Possibly some ADHD or other minor issues. Dropped out of Ivy and a state U. Never went back. Lived with parents into adulthood and became valued eldercare support system. Did many odd jobs and careers (unsuccessful realtor). Had a fun life though relied on the government and family as safety net and rich friends for free vacations. Is a homeowner. Now eligible for Medicare & Social Security. Doesn't seem to have any regrets and usually has lots of friends. #4 male relative. No mental health issues known but possibly some introversion and temporary depression. A student type. Dropped/flunked out of rich kid SLAC due to social misfit. Holed up video gaming his first semester and tanked his grades. Moved home or near parents. Attended cooking school and also local university. Spent year teaching abroad. Now teaches English in elementary school. Happy and on track. #5 freshman year female roommate at State U. On medication. Depressed. Regularly oversleeping and missing classes. Flunking courses in her major and skipping key class with the only instructor in her initial area of interest. Found boyfriend during end of 2nd semester, became happier, and started repositioning. We didn't stay in touch but I heard she changed her major and returned the following year. #6 friend's kid. Known family mental health history. Depressive tendencies and excessive videogaming in high school. Flunked out of State U and could not agree to return/readmision program. Pot smoking involved. Moved back in with parents and worked a little but eventually moved several states away to live with cousin and work dead-end job. Still young so still in the figuring it out stage. Summing across all of this... 1) It's quite possible to recover from an incinerated freshman year. 2) Do your best to help your child keep obsessions/habits/substance abuse from becoming crutches for school failure/failure to launch (this is hard, and deeply personal). 3) Some people can be quite happy without being conventionally successful. 4) Other relatives may help provide stability and connection to family while avoiding direct parent-child cohabitating/control issues. Wishing you luck helping your child. |