kid just failed out of college, now what? and what does future look like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does everyone’s kid have ADHD, depression and/or anxiety?

Seems like it. At least in DCUM-land.

If you go elsewhere in the country you will see that young adults MUST figure out a way to launch as their families simply do not have the resources to support them. In fact, many of them MUST work in order for the family to meet basic expenses. And this is begins in high school when they first are able to work legally! If they go out on their own, they have to fully-support themselves and usually get roommates. They figure out how to get along.

Depressed because your BF/GF broke up with you? Anxious because there is a bully at your fast-food job? Tough. If you don't work, the family/you can't pay the electric bill or put gas in the tank. Get up, get out and get to work.

There is a whole different world outside DVM.

I think it's more generation based also? I mean I struggled with depression and have ADHD (not even diagnosed at the time); I managed to do well in college and grad school. I think there is a general malaise/"what's the point?" attitude in this generation bc they see that a college degree doesn't necessarily translate into success and bc of the state of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dd just failed out of college in a big way. Stopped going to classes, stopped doing work, etc, sleeping all day.
She's smart (test scores, etc), but has depression and ADHD and shows no signs of trying to manage it .

So, please tell me your stories if you had kids who failed out. What does the next 5 years look like for them? Any words of advice? We don't live well together, so this is going to be stressful.

You force them to make it on their own - get a job, get an apartment, etc. It may take a year or two but they'll be back in college, probably with a 4.0.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bring her home and have her start a local job. Make an appointment with her primary care doctor, and with a therapist. Keep trying out jobs it until she finds something that sticks, there are plenty of jobs that do not require degrees. She can go to community college in a year or two after she matures and has her mental health under control. This is not the end of the world.

Completely agree with this sound advice.

Lol I laughed hysterically at this advice. You don’t just wind up a kid in the position of OP’s daughter, find her a job, find her a therapist etc. You’re assuming there will be compliance and chances are there won’t be. Then the issue is how do you handle non-compliance? Do you throw her out? I hardly think so.

We raised four kids, and three went straight on to the traditional successful trajectory. The fourth, who objectively is the brightest, did terrible in high school and suffered from depression, anxiety, you name it - although not ADHD. She took a gap year, which was a waste of money, then got admitted to a respectable state college entirely because of her ridiculously high SAT score. It took her I don’t know how long to get out, seven or eight years? But she finally did, with barely a 2.0. We never saw her grades, but continued paying tuition, because we thought it was better for all concerned if she did not live at home.

She floundered for quite a bit after graduation before eventually maturing, voluntarily seeing a therapist on her own initiative, and getting into - believe it or not a graduate program. She recently finished up and is now very gainfully employed and fully supporting herself in a job that really suits her and that helps others. So there is hope, but to me what is really required is a whole lot of empathy, understanding, and most of all support and patience. None of this bullshit “crack the whip” or “come up with a plan and stick with it” stuff. It’s just going to backfire and ruin your relationship. It’s time to accept the fact that your child is now an adult, and it is up to them, not to you, to fix them.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't have any specific advice for you, but my brother did exactly this in college. He is mid-50s now and has a good life. Finally married in his 40s, no bio kids for him (and his wife is not expected to be financially responsible for her child). He does not and never will make a lot of money, but he lives in a low COL place, so he has a nice house and a good life.

But at the time, the "failure" seemed insurmountable. My mother acted like a college education was the end-all, be-all, and encouraged my brother to go back for years. He would, and then fail out again in exactly the same way. The pattern repeated itself over and over until he basically couldn't go back to school because he had racked up so many F's.

Your daughter has shown you that she is not ready to go away to college. Don't do what my mom did.

[Anonymous]

I was your daughter. I have ADHD and struggle with depression. I got a lot of F's my first three semesters in college. A's in my major, F's in everything else (actually an F in one of my major classes too). I took a lot of years off and struggled like a fish swimming upstream. Lots of service industry jobs. I was in a big city away from my family (but that is a good thing, my family was a huge problem). At some point I got tired of struggling and decided I wanted to go to law school. I went back to the same college I'd dropped out of (open admission urban fine arts), managed to get an A in every class from there on out because I knew I had to to bring the gpa up. Applied to law school and got into my first choice tier 1 school (99th percentile lsat, unusual major, being full pay, huge improvement in grades, and undergrad school they'd never had a student from all helped). Law school was much, much easier for me than undergrad (I'm good at reading and good at tests, bad at homework/projects). And I'm a really good lawyer.

So I got through. Medication for depression helped. I have never taken ADHD meds, but if I could go back and do it over, I probably would (I used all kinds of tactics to help myself with the ADD -- a big one was sitting in the front row of my law school classes).

Give her the support she needs, and she'll eventually find her way.

[Anonymous]

Also be prepare me for when you lay out your expectations of job, rent, etc (if they is what you have), that they may pick “crash with friends” and my co-workers take on this was they hated it, but didn’t go in and drag kid home as that was path kid chose- but also did NOT fund that path- make sure both parents on same page for what will support.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks all. I think it's going to take this kids years to mature and figure it out.
Yes, she's on meds and has been in therapy for years already.
Yep, we're not eager to send her back to college to fail again (due to lack of skills and maturity). She'll likely get a full-time job and maybe CC at some point.
I'm not eager to keep wasting money on tuition.

You give me hope that maturity may come later on a longer path

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The military is a good option.

Not with her depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bring her home and have her start a local job. Make an appointment with her primary care doctor, and with a therapist. Keep trying out jobs it until she finds something that sticks, there are plenty of jobs that do not require degrees. She can go to community college in a year or two after she matures and has her mental health under control. This is not the end of the world.

Completely agree with this sound advice.

Lol I laughed hysterically at this advice. You don’t just wind up a kid in the position of OP’s daughter, find her a job, find her a therapist etc. You’re assuming there will be compliance and chances are there won’t be. Then the issue is how do you handle non-compliance? Do you throw her out? I hardly think so.

We raised four kids, and three went straight on to the traditional successful trajectory. The fourth, who objectively is the brightest, did terrible in high school and suffered from depression, anxiety, you name it - although not ADHD. She took a gap year, which was a waste of money, then got admitted to a respectable state college entirely because of her ridiculously high SAT score. It took her I don’t know how long to get out, seven or eight years? But she finally did, with barely a 2.0. We never saw her grades, but continued paying tuition, because we thought it was better for all concerned if she did not live at home.

She floundered for quite a bit after graduation before eventually maturing, voluntarily seeing a therapist on her own initiative, and getting into - believe it or not a graduate program. She recently finished up and is now very gainfully employed and fully supporting herself in a job that really suits her and that helps others. So there is hope, but to me what is really required is a whole lot of empathy, understanding, and most of all support and patience. None of this bullshit “crack the whip” or “come up with a plan and stick with it” stuff. It’s just going to backfire and ruin your relationship. It’s time to accept the fact that your child is now an adult, and it is up to them, not to you, to fix them.

DP. My brother with undiagnosed ADHD and depression could have used the structured approach recommended by pp. My parents took the hands-off approach you are advocating. He never regained his footing after flunking out. It's been one temp job after another and he ended up living at home the rest of his life. No degree, no career, no permanent relationships--complete failure to launch. Some adult children need more support than others to launch themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The military is a good option.

Not with her depression.

Agree. I don't know why people think the military is a panacea for floundering young adults with mental health problems. It takes a hell of a lot more resiliency and stamina to just get through boot camp, let alone be successful in an environment that demands self-sacrifice and synchronized teamwork.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bring her home and have her start a local job. Make an appointment with her primary care doctor, and with a therapist. Keep trying out jobs it until she finds something that sticks, there are plenty of jobs that do not require degrees. She can go to community college in a year or two after she matures and has her mental health under control. This is not the end of the world.

Completely agree with this sound advice.

Lol I laughed hysterically at this advice. You don’t just wind up a kid in the position of OP’s daughter, find her a job, find her a therapist etc. You’re assuming there will be compliance and chances are there won’t be. Then the issue is how do you handle non-compliance? Do you throw her out? I hardly think so.

We raised four kids, and three went straight on to the traditional successful trajectory. The fourth, who objectively is the brightest, did terrible in high school and suffered from depression, anxiety, you name it - although not ADHD. She took a gap year, which was a waste of money, then got admitted to a respectable state college entirely because of her ridiculously high SAT score. It took her I don’t know how long to get out, seven or eight years? But she finally did, with barely a 2.0. We never saw her grades, but continued paying tuition, because we thought it was better for all concerned if she did not live at home.

She floundered for quite a bit after graduation before eventually maturing, voluntarily seeing a therapist on her own initiative, and getting into - believe it or not a graduate program. She recently finished up and is now very gainfully employed and fully supporting herself in a job that really suits her and that helps others. So there is hope, but to me what is really required is a whole lot of empathy, understanding, and most of all support and patience. None of this bullshit “crack the whip” or “come up with a plan and stick with it” stuff. It’s just going to backfire and ruin your relationship. It’s time to accept the fact that your child is now an adult, and it is up to them, not to you, to fix them.

You sound so kind. /s

I'm the previous poster, and what I posted helped my son when he failed out.

He needed more time. He needed support, but not to be hand held or babied. He got out of his depression and really leaned into his job. He recently started community college (age 21). He pays, then we reimburse him for Bs and As. It's working. He has goals, a stable 40 hour a week job, and really is a different person in two years. 19 (assuming age of most college freshman) is still so young. There is plenty of time to have failures, regroup and build a great life.

I don't have enough money to pay for failing classes or paying rent for him just so that he's on his own.

If he hadn't complied with therapy and a full time job, the alternative plan was to have him move in with my brother in the Midwest. My son decided he would rather stay here. It was his choice. Our relationship slowly healed itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dd just failed out of college in a big way. Stopped going to classes, stopped doing work, etc, sleeping all day.
She's smart (test scores, etc), but has depression and ADHD and shows no signs of trying to manage it .

So, please tell me your stories if you had kids who failed out. What does the next 5 years look like for them? Any words of advice? We don't live well together, so this is going to be stressful.

This was kind of me 20 years ago. I didn't fail out, but I transfered back home and finsihed at the local state school while living with my parents. Oddly, I had an internship all through college even while this was going on. I ended up graduating from the local school a couple years later and that internship turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I loved the work and now I have my own company in the same business. I should have gone to therapy but with immigrant mc parents it was never brought up once. I would say to make sure that they get structure back in their lives and provide them support to do well/feel good about themselves. If they were previously a high achiever they will hopefully get past this.

[Anonymous]

Sounds extremely similar to my situation. Though I didn’t “flunk out” just tanked and then dropped out after that one semester (think straight As, and then 3 Fs and a D) and financial problems. I did not waive FERPA so as much as my parents tried to get in to manage
I wouldn’t let them. I was focused on my independence.

What helped: I got a job, used that as a way to structure my life. My long term relationship helped with financial independence since I paid less in rent. But the job was what turned it around. It wasn’t high level (temping first, then entry level) and eventually I went back to school when I was ready (late 20s) and finished. I needed more structure to my life.

I now have a professional degree and make $300k+ as a senior executive. Don’t write her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dd just failed out of college in a big way. Stopped going to classes, stopped doing work, etc, sleeping all day.
She's smart (test scores, etc), but has depression and ADHD and shows no signs of trying to manage it .

So, please tell me your stories if you had kids who failed out. What does the next 5 years look like for them? Any words of advice? We don't live well together, so this is going to be stressful.

Big question: what does she want to do right now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does everyone’s kid have ADHD, depression and/or anxiety?

Seems like it. At least in DCUM-land.

If you go elsewhere in the country you will see that young adults MUST figure out a way to launch as their families simply do not have the resources to support them. In fact, many of them MUST work in order for the family to meet basic expenses. And this is begins in high school when they first are able to work legally! If they go out on their own, they have to fully-support themselves and usually get roommates. They figure out how to get along.

Depressed because your BF/GF broke up with you? Anxious because there is a bully at your fast-food job? Tough. If you don't work, the family/you can't pay the electric bill or put gas in the tank. Get up, get out and get to work.

There is a whole different world outside DVM.

I think it's more generation based also? I mean I struggled with depression and have ADHD (not even diagnosed at the time); I managed to do well in college and grad school. I think there is a general malaise/"what's the point?" attitude in this generation bc they see that a college degree doesn't necessarily translate into success and bc of the state of the world.

No. I had a good friend in college who managed to flunk out twice. He's brilliant but his ADHD was undiagnosed. He's a successful middle aged guy now, making good money and supporting a family. He did end up graduating. Plenty of people felt malaise and unease in the world at every time. You think it's scary now with climate change and terrorism and whatever... just imagine living through WWII and thinking there is a point to life.