Can't wait to change my surname, but notice many women keeping theirs, is there a reason for this trend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What problems could it possibly cause “down the road”? I’m genuinely asking you.

I didn’t change my name, partly because I have an established professional license and publications in my maiden name, partly because I didn’t want to give up part of my identity while he kept his. Seems an unfair way to start things out. I suggested that both of us change our names (to his mom’s maiden name) and he didn’t want to do that. He also didn’t pressure me to change to his name. I might have changed it at least for personal use if his surname was an easy one, but it’s not (neither is my maiden name). Oh well.

PS - 15 years in, three kids with his surname, and no problems because of it.

Wouldn't it cause problems travelling or with certain documents for a process that you start as a married couple?

Such as?

It hasn’t yet. We own property, share joint accounts, have traveled internationally, enrolled our kids in public school, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What problems could it possibly cause “down the road”? I’m genuinely asking you.

I didn’t change my name, partly because I have an established professional license and publications in my maiden name, partly because I didn’t want to give up part of my identity while he kept his. Seems an unfair way to start things out. I suggested that both of us change our names (to his mom’s maiden name) and he didn’t want to do that. He also didn’t pressure me to change to his name. I might have changed it at least for personal use if his surname was an easy one, but it’s not (neither is my maiden name). Oh well.

PS - 15 years in, three kids with his surname, and no problems because of it.

No one cares about your profession maiden name, Hillary Clinton took the last name and she's as lib and professional as they get.

Yeah, I think it's actually not a huge deal. I am a reporter with many publications and when I got married, I changed my name and byline. I could still use the old pieces in my portfolio , but The things I published since then are also way better (because I'm more experienced.) You will always be judged based on recent history, and you have new work history and publications attached to your new name. It's a non issue IMO.

I changed it so that I could have the same last name as my kids, and it is a very useful shorthand for "we are related." Also I'm a brownish skinned woman with a white husband and white-passing kids; I have cousins who have different last names than their kids in the same situation and they needed special documentation to fly internationally with just their kids.

I’m the PP originally quoted: I don’t expect either of you to care about my maiden name. That’s not the point. While it may not be that hard for a reporter to change her byline, it is a royal PITA for most licensed healthcare professionals, which I am. Of the others I know who are close friends and colleagues, almost none of them changed their names if they married post-licensure. That’s mostly true of the academics with whom I work, as well. Moreover, I’m sharing my experience, not asking for approval.

I could understand feeling differently if we were an interracial couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it was that I knew I was settling and divorce was highly likely. Didn’t want to change a bunch of documents and then change them back. Also both my grandmas and my mother kept theirs though they didn’t divorce, so it was normal for me.
Also I didn’t grow up in the U.S. so maybe some implications of keeping my maiden name were unknown to me

I've now read everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t change my name after marriage but I did after I had my first baby. I’m sure it was all the hormones, but I couldn’t stand not having the same name as her. It was a bit of a hassle and I still have a credit card with my maiden name, but overall it was no big deal, either professionally or personally. The world is used to people changing their names and there are procedures in place to do so.

I understand the patriarchy argument, but ultimately, the last name I had at birth is as arbitrary as the last name my husband had at birth. Both were the product of 30+ generations of couples having the same last name and unless there’s a hereditary title or something, it doesn’t really signify.

I also do a ton of volunteer work with my kid’s school’s PTA. I see forms filled out and donations made where the parent’s and child’s last names don’t match. I also see where they do match. Either way is extraordinarily common and nobody cares or judges. Just make sure if your name is different that you put down your kids name! If I don’t know you, I have no idea that the permission slip signed by Larla Jones is for Larlo Smith!

If the man's and the woman's names are equally arbitrary, why do you rarely see children being given their mother's surname or men changing their surname to match that of his wife's/children? There's nothing equal about how surnames are chosen. Everyone has the right to choose any surname they want but to argue that the tradition is not unequal is dishonest.

Until 2002, married women in DC were required by law to give their children their husband's last name.

Think about that, people......2002!

https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/local/2002/05/25/dc-yields-to-parents-on-babies-surnames/073666df-7cb1-4fd6-9058-1c1590880acc/

Many other states had similar laws which have long been overturned on the basis of equal rights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My name is who I am, OP. Why would I change myself? My husband never wanted me to change my name either. Our children have a hyphenated name, to reflect both our families: my husband and I each have a different national and cultural background, so it was important to us. Which means there are three last names in our nuclear family. It doesn't bother us, and it doesn't bother any medical, border control, or government administration of any country in which we hold passports or residency permits.

You seem to have lived under a rock all these years. Women have been keeping their own names and identities for generations. Any man who thinks their wife should change their name is strange and weird, unless he'd be fine changing his name to his wife's if that was her preference.

Meh, your name not who you are. It’s your father’s last name.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, are you?

You can’t dispute that your last name is just your father’s last name. I mean, I didn’t become famous during my youth with that last name and I’m assuming you didn’t either. A last name is not an identity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My name is who I am, OP. Why would I change myself? My husband never wanted me to change my name either. Our children have a hyphenated name, to reflect both our families: my husband and I each have a different national and cultural background, so it was important to us. Which means there are three last names in our nuclear family. It doesn't bother us, and it doesn't bother any medical, border control, or government administration of any country in which we hold passports or residency permits.

You seem to have lived under a rock all these years. Women have been keeping their own names and identities for generations. Any man who thinks their wife should change their name is strange and weird, unless he'd be fine changing his name to his wife's if that was her preference.

Meh, your name not who you are. It’s your father’s last name.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, are you?

You can’t dispute that your last name is just your father’s last name. I mean, I didn’t become famous during my youth with that last name and I’m assuming you didn’t either. A last name is not an identity.

DP, well, considering many, many people across my life have referred to me by my last name, I disagree. It may not be important for *your* identity, but you only speak for yourself. I know it’s my father’s last name. And?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What problems could it possibly cause “down the road”? I’m genuinely asking you.

I didn’t change my name, partly because I have an established professional license and publications in my maiden name, partly because I didn’t want to give up part of my identity while he kept his. Seems an unfair way to start things out. I suggested that both of us change our names (to his mom’s maiden name) and he didn’t want to do that. He also didn’t pressure me to change to his name. I might have changed it at least for personal use if his surname was an easy one, but it’s not (neither is my maiden name). Oh well.

PS - 15 years in, three kids with his surname, and no problems because of it.

No one cares about your profession maiden name, Hillary Clinton took the last name and she's as lib and professional as they get.

Yeah, I think it's actually not a huge deal. I am a reporter with many publications and when I got married, I changed my name and byline. I could still use the old pieces in my portfolio , but The things I published since then are also way better (because I'm more experienced.) You will always be judged based on recent history, and you have new work history and publications attached to your new name. It's a non issue IMO.

I changed it so that I could have the same last name as my kids, and it is a very useful shorthand for "we are related." Also I'm a brownish skinned woman with a white husband and white-passing kids; I have cousins who have different last names than their kids in the same situation and they needed special documentation to fly internationally with just their kids.

I’m the PP originally quoted: I don’t expect either of you to care about my maiden name. That’s not the point. While it may not be that hard for a reporter to change her byline, it is a royal PITA for most licensed healthcare professionals, which I am. Of the others I know who are close friends and colleagues, almost none of them changed their names if they married post-licensure. That’s mostly true of the academics with whom I work, as well. Moreover, I’m sharing my experience, not asking for approval.

I could understand feeling differently if we were an interracial couple.

Any adult flying with a child internationally, whether or not they kids and adult have the same last name, need to have a notarized document from the other parent giving permission to fly.

I had a white mother friend with her 3 white kids all same last name get stuck at Paris airport and prevented from boarding a connecting flight for this reason. The US Embassy had to facilitate the deliver of a notarized letter to allow the family onward travel.

While I can understand how racial differences between parent and children can make this kind of situation even more fraught, having the same last name or same skin color is not a solution.

[Anonymous]

I think that’s the best thing about being a modern woman, you get to choose what you want to do! I changed my last name because I though my husband’s was more interesting than my maiden name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People may think you are a divorcee or a difficult person if you haven't taken the last name. I said the silent part out loud, it does matter

In the 21st century? No.

+1

Even in the 20th century

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What problems could it possibly cause “down the road”? I’m genuinely asking you.

I didn’t change my name, partly because I have an established professional license and publications in my maiden name, partly because I didn’t want to give up part of my identity while he kept his. Seems an unfair way to start things out. I suggested that both of us change our names (to his mom’s maiden name) and he didn’t want to do that. He also didn’t pressure me to change to his name. I might have changed it at least for personal use if his surname was an easy one, but it’s not (neither is my maiden name). Oh well.

PS - 15 years in, three kids with his surname, and no problems because of it.

No one cares about your profession maiden name, Hillary Clinton took the last name and she's as lib and professional as they get.

Yeah, I think it's actually not a huge deal. I am a reporter with many publications and when I got married, I changed my name and byline. I could still use the old pieces in my portfolio , but The things I published since then are also way better (because I'm more experienced.) You will always be judged based on recent history, and you have new work history and publications attached to your new name. It's a non issue IMO.

I changed it so that I could have the same last name as my kids, and it is a very useful shorthand for "we are related." Also I'm a brownish skinned woman with a white husband and white-passing kids; I have cousins who have different last names than their kids in the same situation and they needed special documentation to fly internationally with just their kids.

I’m the PP originally quoted: I don’t expect either of you to care about my maiden name. That’s not the point. While it may not be that hard for a reporter to change her byline, it is a royal PITA for most licensed healthcare professionals, which I am. Of the others I know who are close friends and colleagues, almost none of them changed their names if they married post-licensure. That’s mostly true of the academics with whom I work, as well. Moreover, I’m sharing my experience, not asking for approval.

I could understand feeling differently if we were an interracial couple.

Any adult flying with a child internationally, whether or not they kids and adult have the same last name, need to have a notarized document from the other parent giving permission to fly.

I had a white mother friend with her 3 white kids all same last name get stuck at Paris airport and prevented from boarding a connecting flight for this reason. The US Embassy had to facilitate the deliver of a notarized letter to allow the family onward travel.

While I can understand how racial differences between parent and children can make this kind of situation even more fraught, having the same last name or same skin color is not a solution.

I've always found the travelling argument extremely strange. Two unrelated people can have the same surname and a non-custodial parent can have the same surname as the child, while two unmarried parents will likely have different surnames and so will married parents from countries where women do not change their surnames. Anybody working in an international airport should understand this. It says more about the airport employees if they don't than it does about a woman who keeps her surname.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it's fine either way, OP. There's nothing wrong keeping your name, combining names or just taking your husband's.

I took my husband's and made my last name my second middle name.

I did this too, but 23 years later I wish I’d just kept my maiden name as my surname.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it was that I knew I was settling and divorce was highly likely. Didn’t want to change a bunch of documents and then change them back. Also both my grandmas and my mother kept theirs though they didn’t divorce, so it was normal for me.
Also I didn’t grow up in the U.S. so maybe some implications of keeping my maiden name were unknown to me

Did you end up divorced?

After I did I was so glad I never took XH’s!

[Anonymous]

Because feminism?

[Anonymous]

I was never close to my family and had a very difficult to pronounce/spell last name. I couldn't wait to change it to my husband's easy 4-letter name when we got married. I've never regretted it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My name is who I am, OP. Why would I change myself? My husband never wanted me to change my name either. Our children have a hyphenated name, to reflect both our families: my husband and I each have a different national and cultural background, so it was important to us. Which means there are three last names in our nuclear family. It doesn't bother us, and it doesn't bother any medical, border control, or government administration of any country in which we hold passports or residency permits.

You seem to have lived under a rock all these years. Women have been keeping their own names and identities for generations. Any man who thinks their wife should change their name is strange and weird, unless he'd be fine changing his name to his wife's if that was her preference.

Meh, your name not who you are. It’s your father’s last name.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, are you?

You can’t dispute that your last name is just your father’s last name. I mean, I didn’t become famous during my youth with that last name and I’m assuming you didn’t either. A last name is not an identity.

Yes but it’s a name one has been called since birth. It may be a father’s last name but it’s one the woman has gone by forever.