Does this warrant an appointment with a counselor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is exactly like my older child, except more nuanced. He completely agrees with my older child and thinks she sees things more clearly than anyone else. I am completely outnumbered and I get out-argued every time. DH very much enjoys dark themes and exposes our kids to them at what I think is way too young of an age. If I put my foot down, he does it secretly or behind my back, which then forms a stronger bond between him and the kids. Or we end up in a huge argument, where he calls me WAY overprotective and controlling, but we will never see eye to eye on this.

What a mess. Why the hell would you be with and procreate with this goon? I have never understood people who confuse cruelty with intelligence, or brutality with honesty.

Get help for her, and discipline her as the grown, rational, capable adult you are, and when she acts an absolute unfiltered a-hole to her baby cousins, make clear to your younger ones that DD is behaving unkindly and where they model her, they’ll face restriction, too. Your DH doesn’t have to be on board with this. It’ll be hard, but every excuse you make simultaneously states “I’m raising a troubled d-ck and don’t give a damn about it.”

I never said she acts unkindly to her younger cousins. Not the case at all. She ignores them, and has zero interest in them. There's a difference - she is never an "unfiltered a-hole" to them. When they harass her, she is never mean, cruel, or dismissive. She answers their questions, and then quietly excuses herself to go read a book somewhere else. She just wants to be left alone.

OP your daughter is *fine.* She’s old enough to get some lectures to you about the likely consequences of saying shocking things in public. I have that conversation all the time with my DS. There is no therapy to make girls like babies and if there was, it would likely be tremendously abusive.

As for your DH and exposure to media you can try putting your foot down or at least compromising on it. But 5 Nights at Freddys or whatever is not going to turn your child into a psychopath.

The root of this concern of yours truly seems to be that your daughter does not conform to the stereotype of a young girl. Please try to let that go, and pay more attention to actual challenges she may need support with, and nurturing the talents she has. (And all kids have challenges of one sort or another.)

I don't think I'm responding to my own stereotypes. I have no real issues with her disliking babies/toddlers, even though I may try to (unsuccessfully) shift her attitudes by saying things like she was also a baby/toddler that I absolutely adored. Or try to cultivate some kind of relationship with her younger cousins by describing how much they look up to her and arrange times for them to spend time together, which ultimately seems to backfire. It did concern me when she made the comment about leaving the baby on the side of the road, because that's on a different level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is exactly like my older child, except more nuanced. He completely agrees with my older child and thinks she sees things more clearly than anyone else. I am completely outnumbered and I get out-argued every time. DH very much enjoys dark themes and exposes our kids to them at what I think is way too young of an age. If I put my foot down, he does it secretly or behind my back, which then forms a stronger bond between him and the kids. Or we end up in a huge argument, where he calls me WAY overprotective and controlling, but we will never see eye to eye on this.

What a mess. Why the hell would you be with and procreate with this goon? I have never understood people who confuse cruelty with intelligence, or brutality with honesty.

Get help for her, and discipline her as the grown, rational, capable adult you are, and when she acts an absolute unfiltered a-hole to her baby cousins, make clear to your younger ones that DD is behaving unkindly and where they model her, they’ll face restriction, too. Your DH doesn’t have to be on board with this. It’ll be hard, but every excuse you make simultaneously states “I’m raising a troubled d-ck and don’t give a damn about it.”

I never said she acts unkindly to her younger cousins. Not the case at all. She ignores them, and has zero interest in them. There's a difference - she is never an "unfiltered a-hole" to them. When they harass her, she is never mean, cruel, or dismissive. She answers their questions, and then quietly excuses herself to go read a book somewhere else. She just wants to be left alone.

OP your daughter is *fine.* She’s old enough to get some lectures to you about the likely consequences of saying shocking things in public. I have that conversation all the time with my DS. There is no therapy to make girls like babies and if there was, it would likely be tremendously abusive.

As for your DH and exposure to media you can try putting your foot down or at least compromising on it. But 5 Nights at Freddys or whatever is not going to turn your child into a psychopath.

The root of this concern of yours truly seems to be that your daughter does not conform to the stereotype of a young girl. Please try to let that go, and pay more attention to actual challenges she may need support with, and nurturing the talents she has. (And all kids have challenges of one sort or another.)

I don't think I'm responding to my own stereotypes. I have no real issues with her disliking babies/toddlers, even though I may try to (unsuccessfully) shift her attitudes by saying things like she was also a baby/toddler that I absolutely adored. Or try to cultivate some kind of relationship with her younger cousins by describing how much they look up to her and arrange times for them to spend time together, which ultimately seems to backfire. It did concern me when she made the comment about leaving the baby on the side of the road, because that's on a different level.

No this child is clearly not fine. It's ok to not like little kids. But what normal 11 year old says they would leave a baby to die. This child is disturbed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is exactly like my older child, except more nuanced. He completely agrees with my older child and thinks she sees things more clearly than anyone else. I am completely outnumbered and I get out-argued every time. DH very much enjoys dark themes and exposes our kids to them at what I think is way too young of an age. If I put my foot down, he does it secretly or behind my back, which then forms a stronger bond between him and the kids. Or we end up in a huge argument, where he calls me WAY overprotective and controlling, but we will never see eye to eye on this.

What a mess. Why the hell would you be with and procreate with this goon? I have never understood people who confuse cruelty with intelligence, or brutality with honesty.

Get help for her, and discipline her as the grown, rational, capable adult you are, and when she acts an absolute unfiltered a-hole to her baby cousins, make clear to your younger ones that DD is behaving unkindly and where they model her, they’ll face restriction, too. Your DH doesn’t have to be on board with this. It’ll be hard, but every excuse you make simultaneously states “I’m raising a troubled d-ck and don’t give a damn about it.”

I never said she acts unkindly to her younger cousins. Not the case at all. She ignores them, and has zero interest in them. There's a difference - she is never an "unfiltered a-hole" to them. When they harass her, she is never mean, cruel, or dismissive. She answers their questions, and then quietly excuses herself to go read a book somewhere else. She just wants to be left alone.

OP your daughter is *fine.* She’s old enough to get some lectures to you about the likely consequences of saying shocking things in public. I have that conversation all the time with my DS. There is no therapy to make girls like babies and if there was, it would likely be tremendously abusive.

As for your DH and exposure to media you can try putting your foot down or at least compromising on it. But 5 Nights at Freddys or whatever is not going to turn your child into a psychopath.

The root of this concern of yours truly seems to be that your daughter does not conform to the stereotype of a young girl. Please try to let that go, and pay more attention to actual challenges she may need support with, and nurturing the talents she has. (And all kids have challenges of one sort or another.)

I don't think I'm responding to my own stereotypes. I have no real issues with her disliking babies/toddlers, even though I may try to (unsuccessfully) shift her attitudes by saying things like she was also a baby/toddler that I absolutely adored. Or try to cultivate some kind of relationship with her younger cousins by describing how much they look up to her and arrange times for them to spend time together, which ultimately seems to backfire. It did concern me when she made the comment about leaving the baby on the side of the road, because that's on a different level.

No this child is clearly not fine. It's ok to not like little kids. But what normal 11 year old says they would leave a baby to die. This child is disturbed.

Empathy isn’t a thing you know? (/s) Totally unimportant and meaningless, no point in trying to reinforce it let alone teach it, parenting is haaaard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re worried, so I would touch base with an expert. Even if just to make you feel better.

Shot in the dark: black and white thinking and lack of empathy can be a sign of ASD or ADHD, both of which go under diagnosed in girls. Maybe start there if there are other symptoms?

This. It sounds like she may be on the spectrum. Get some advice from someone objective.

[Anonymous]

PP - and adding this: My daughter is 10 and also has no interest in young children babies, etc. Never liked baby dolls. Seems really uncomfortable around small kids or bored by them. She's very into the environment and eco-conscious. But I can't imagine her saying she would leave a baby on the side of the road. You should probably talk to someone just to get some more info. There could be something else going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is exactly like my older child, except more nuanced. He completely agrees with my older child and thinks she sees things more clearly than anyone else. I am completely outnumbered and I get out-argued every time. DH very much enjoys dark themes and exposes our kids to them at what I think is way too young of an age. If I put my foot down, he does it secretly or behind my back, which then forms a stronger bond between him and the kids. Or we end up in a huge argument, where he calls me WAY overprotective and controlling, but we will never see eye to eye on this.

What a mess. Why the hell would you be with and procreate with this goon? I have never understood people who confuse cruelty with intelligence, or brutality with honesty.

Get help for her, and discipline her as the grown, rational, capable adult you are, and when she acts an absolute unfiltered a-hole to her baby cousins, make clear to your younger ones that DD is behaving unkindly and where they model her, they’ll face restriction, too. Your DH doesn’t have to be on board with this. It’ll be hard, but every excuse you make simultaneously states “I’m raising a troubled d-ck and don’t give a damn about it.”

I never said she acts unkindly to her younger cousins. Not the case at all. She ignores them, and has zero interest in them. There's a difference - she is never an "unfiltered a-hole" to them. When they harass her, she is never mean, cruel, or dismissive. She answers their questions, and then quietly excuses herself to go read a book somewhere else. She just wants to be left alone.

OP your daughter is *fine.* She’s old enough to get some lectures to you about the likely consequences of saying shocking things in public. I have that conversation all the time with my DS. There is no therapy to make girls like babies and if there was, it would likely be tremendously abusive.

As for your DH and exposure to media you can try putting your foot down or at least compromising on it. But 5 Nights at Freddys or whatever is not going to turn your child into a psychopath.

The root of this concern of yours truly seems to be that your daughter does not conform to the stereotype of a young girl. Please try to let that go, and pay more attention to actual challenges she may need support with, and nurturing the talents she has. (And all kids have challenges of one sort or another.)

I don't think I'm responding to my own stereotypes. I have no real issues with her disliking babies/toddlers, even though I may try to (unsuccessfully) shift her attitudes by saying things like she was also a baby/toddler that I absolutely adored. Or try to cultivate some kind of relationship with her younger cousins by describing how much they look up to her and arrange times for them to spend time together, which ultimately seems to backfire. It did concern me when she made the comment about leaving the baby on the side of the road, because that's on a different level.

Yes that’s some Jeffrey dahmer type shit

[Anonymous]

Where does she go to school? Are they indoctrinating her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids, oldest is 11, really dislike babies and toddlers. Our oldest has been like this since she herself was a toddler. Disliked dolls also. She’s very vocal about her dislike and I think the younger ones pick up on it.

Recently, she said something concerning. She said that if she saw a baby stranded on the side of the road, she would just leave it to die. The younger ones chimed in to say that they would do the same. Said that she hates babies and there’s too many humans on this planet and humans ruin everything. Knowing her I think it’s just that she thinks so black and white and knows way too much about the causes of climate change and then coupled with her already dislike of babies, she logically thinks it’s better to let the baby die.

I have tried to change their view of babies and toddlers but to no avail. They have younger cousins who adore them. But our kids want nothing to do with them. They have never ever been mean or unkind, but they generally ignore them. I feel bad that they are not friendlier. Our younger ones are a bit more flexible. Even though they hate them and complain about them to us, they will be nice enough to play with them, answer their questions, help them with something, or teach them something- albeit begrudgingly (on the inside).

Our oldest won’t even do that though.

She says similar things about humans in general- just a lack of concern, empathy, and value for someone’s life.

Would you be concerned?

I would be very concerned because lack of empathy is a strong indicator of psychopathy and leaving a baby on the side of the road to die is as lacking in basic empathy as it gets. I realize she’s just saying it and may not actually act in that way given the circumstances but I think more normative thinking in a child would be geared toward nurture and compassion even if they didn’t want babies or like babies themselves.

I don’t meant to put fear in you but having worked for years in criminal justice I have a lot of experience with abnormal psychology having read hundreds upon hundreds of psych assessments tied to juvenile and adult criminal cases.

There is new thinking about identifying psychopathy in kids and intervening with early treatment in family therapy that teaches parents the tools to teach empathy and the research and clinical work in juvenile systems suggests the earlier kids get intervention the better they can do functioning in life and society. Not all psychopaths are violent criminals I’m not suggesting that - but all psychopaths who don’t get treatment will suffer emotional disconnect in their human experience so I think it is worth considering.

Here’s an article to get you started and I do suggest you contact a good child psychiatrist to get your child assessed and get her and yourselves into family therapy. Even if she doesn’t assess as psychopathy she is clearly struggling with dark thinking and that is not likely to get better by itself as she goes through the upheavals of puberty.

https://modlab.yale.edu/news/there-are-no-child-psychopaths-because-we-cant-diagnose-them-yet-vice

Omg. How is trying to label a young child a psychopath remotely helpful? One who has never actually been violent, loves animals, does well in school, is kind to peers and siblings, and is unfailingly honest?

Right?? Some people really get off on the idea that children can be psychopaths. It’s like some kind of true crime fantasy to them. When in reality this is a normal, intelligent girl who just makes her mother uncomfortable because she doesn’t conform to some imagined notion of a tween girl loving babies.

No doubt you and yours are not that kind of girl, we get it, you’re cool! But not conforming to a fantasy of tbe good loving girl is not what OP conveyed at all. Not loving versus “hating,” avoiding young cousins, and talking about leaving babies to die for some idiot ecosalvation fantasy is what a messed up kid says. OP should consider getting her assessed, and absent that, encourage DD to keep that type of thought to herself.

It’s a far stretch from tween said something outrageous” to “tween is a psychopath.” Only someone really invested in pathologizing kids could make that leap. OP clearly states the girl gets along with siblings and peers. A “messed up kid” had far more going on than an off-color joke.

But here’s the thing, it’s not *just* that tween daughter said something outrageous. Based on the info provided by OP, there is much more to it than that. Likely not psychopathy, but daughter should at least be evaluated for ASD/ADHD, which OP states she has aways suspected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is exactly like my older child, except more nuanced. He completely agrees with my older child and thinks she sees things more clearly than anyone else. I am completely outnumbered and I get out-argued every time. DH very much enjoys dark themes and exposes our kids to them at what I think is way too young of an age. If I put my foot down, he does it secretly or behind my back, which then forms a stronger bond between him and the kids. Or we end up in a huge argument, where he calls me WAY overprotective and controlling, but we will never see eye to eye on this.

What a mess. Why the hell would you be with and procreate with this goon? I have never understood people who confuse cruelty with intelligence, or brutality with honesty.

Get help for her, and discipline her as the grown, rational, capable adult you are, and when she acts an absolute unfiltered a-hole to her baby cousins, make clear to your younger ones that DD is behaving unkindly and where they model her, they’ll face restriction, too. Your DH doesn’t have to be on board with this. It’ll be hard, but every excuse you make simultaneously states “I’m raising a troubled d-ck and don’t give a damn about it.”

I never said she acts unkindly to her younger cousins. Not the case at all. She ignores them, and has zero interest in them. There's a difference - she is never an "unfiltered a-hole" to them. When they harass her, she is never mean, cruel, or dismissive. She answers their questions, and then quietly excuses herself to go read a book somewhere else. She just wants to be left alone.

OP your daughter is *fine.* She’s old enough to get some lectures to you about the likely consequences of saying shocking things in public. I have that conversation all the time with my DS. There is no therapy to make girls like babies and if there was, it would likely be tremendously abusive.

As for your DH and exposure to media you can try putting your foot down or at least compromising on it. But 5 Nights at Freddys or whatever is not going to turn your child into a psychopath.

The root of this concern of yours truly seems to be that your daughter does not conform to the stereotype of a young girl. Please try to let that go, and pay more attention to actual challenges she may need support with, and nurturing the talents she has. (And all kids have challenges of one sort or another.)

I don't think I'm responding to my own stereotypes. I have no real issues with her disliking babies/toddlers, even though I may try to (unsuccessfully) shift her attitudes by saying things like she was also a baby/toddler that I absolutely adored. Or try to cultivate some kind of relationship with her younger cousins by describing how much they look up to her and arrange times for them to spend time together, which ultimately seems to backfire. It did concern me when she made the comment about leaving the baby on the side of the road, because that's on a different level.

No this child is clearly not fine. It's ok to not like little kids. But what normal 11 year old says they would leave a baby to die. This child is disturbed.

Empathy isn’t a thing you know? (/s) Totally unimportant and meaningless, no point in trying to reinforce it let alone teach it, parenting is haaaard.

Yes, you clearly have SO much empathy. And what you’re talking about is not actually empathy (which is an internal feeling that is not always apparent) but a statement the child made that you find shocking. So really this is about conformity and not empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids, oldest is 11, really dislike babies and toddlers. Our oldest has been like this since she herself was a toddler. Disliked dolls also. She’s very vocal about her dislike and I think the younger ones pick up on it.

Recently, she said something concerning. She said that if she saw a baby stranded on the side of the road, she would just leave it to die. The younger ones chimed in to say that they would do the same. Said that she hates babies and there’s too many humans on this planet and humans ruin everything. Knowing her I think it’s just that she thinks so black and white and knows way too much about the causes of climate change and then coupled with her already dislike of babies, she logically thinks it’s better to let the baby die.

I have tried to change their view of babies and toddlers but to no avail. They have younger cousins who adore them. But our kids want nothing to do with them. They have never ever been mean or unkind, but they generally ignore them. I feel bad that they are not friendlier. Our younger ones are a bit more flexible. Even though they hate them and complain about them to us, they will be nice enough to play with them, answer their questions, help them with something, or teach them something- albeit begrudgingly (on the inside).

Our oldest won’t even do that though.

She says similar things about humans in general- just a lack of concern, empathy, and value for someone’s life.

Would you be concerned?

I would be very concerned because lack of empathy is a strong indicator of psychopathy and leaving a baby on the side of the road to die is as lacking in basic empathy as it gets. I realize she’s just saying it and may not actually act in that way given the circumstances but I think more normative thinking in a child would be geared toward nurture and compassion even if they didn’t want babies or like babies themselves.

I don’t meant to put fear in you but having worked for years in criminal justice I have a lot of experience with abnormal psychology having read hundreds upon hundreds of psych assessments tied to juvenile and adult criminal cases.

There is new thinking about identifying psychopathy in kids and intervening with early treatment in family therapy that teaches parents the tools to teach empathy and the research and clinical work in juvenile systems suggests the earlier kids get intervention the better they can do functioning in life and society. Not all psychopaths are violent criminals I’m not suggesting that - but all psychopaths who don’t get treatment will suffer emotional disconnect in their human experience so I think it is worth considering.

Here’s an article to get you started and I do suggest you contact a good child psychiatrist to get your child assessed and get her and yourselves into family therapy. Even if she doesn’t assess as psychopathy she is clearly struggling with dark thinking and that is not likely to get better by itself as she goes through the upheavals of puberty.

https://modlab.yale.edu/news/there-are-no-child-psychopaths-because-we-cant-diagnose-them-yet-vice

Omg. How is trying to label a young child a psychopath remotely helpful? One who has never actually been violent, loves animals, does well in school, is kind to peers and siblings, and is unfailingly honest?

Right?? Some people really get off on the idea that children can be psychopaths. It’s like some kind of true crime fantasy to them. When in reality this is a normal, intelligent girl who just makes her mother uncomfortable because she doesn’t conform to some imagined notion of a tween girl loving babies.

No doubt you and yours are not that kind of girl, we get it, you’re cool! But not conforming to a fantasy of tbe good loving girl is not what OP conveyed at all. Not loving versus “hating,” avoiding young cousins, and talking about leaving babies to die for some idiot ecosalvation fantasy is what a messed up kid says. OP should consider getting her assessed, and absent that, encourage DD to keep that type of thought to herself.

It’s a far stretch from tween said something outrageous” to “tween is a psychopath.” Only someone really invested in pathologizing kids could make that leap. OP clearly states the girl gets along with siblings and peers. A “messed up kid” had far more going on than an off-color joke.

But here’s the thing, it’s not *just* that tween daughter said something outrageous. Based on the info provided by OP, there is much more to it than that. Likely not psychopathy, but daughter should at least be evaluated for ASD/ADHD, which OP states she has aways suspected.

Anyone can get a dx of ASD and especially ADHD if they try these days. And guess what - even if OP wrangled a diagnosis, nothing that she recounted here actually constitutes something that can be resolved by a diagnosis or therapy. Her child makes blunt statements and doesn’t seem to like her younger cousins as much as OP would like. Other than teaching her that statements like that are going to give the wrong impression (which OP can do regardless of any diagnosis) there is literally nothing that will change the daughter into a baby-loving stereotype of girlhood.

If the child is doing decently in school, has friends, and behaves relatively well at home, then OP would just be looking for problems if she starts dragging the girl to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids, oldest is 11, really dislike babies and toddlers. Our oldest has been like this since she herself was a toddler. Disliked dolls also. She’s very vocal about her dislike and I think the younger ones pick up on it.

Recently, she said something concerning. She said that if she saw a baby stranded on the side of the road, she would just leave it to die. The younger ones chimed in to say that they would do the same. Said that she hates babies and there’s too many humans on this planet and humans ruin everything. Knowing her I think it’s just that she thinks so black and white and knows way too much about the causes of climate change and then coupled with her already dislike of babies, she logically thinks it’s better to let the baby die.

I have tried to change their view of babies and toddlers but to no avail. They have younger cousins who adore them. But our kids want nothing to do with them. They have never ever been mean or unkind, but they generally ignore them. I feel bad that they are not friendlier. Our younger ones are a bit more flexible. Even though they hate them and complain about them to us, they will be nice enough to play with them, answer their questions, help them with something, or teach them something- albeit begrudgingly (on the inside).

Our oldest won’t even do that though.

She says similar things about humans in general- just a lack of concern, empathy, and value for someone’s life.

Would you be concerned?

I would be very concerned because lack of empathy is a strong indicator of psychopathy and leaving a baby on the side of the road to die is as lacking in basic empathy as it gets. I realize she’s just saying it and may not actually act in that way given the circumstances but I think more normative thinking in a child would be geared toward nurture and compassion even if they didn’t want babies or like babies themselves.

I don’t meant to put fear in you but having worked for years in criminal justice I have a lot of experience with abnormal psychology having read hundreds upon hundreds of psych assessments tied to juvenile and adult criminal cases.

There is new thinking about identifying psychopathy in kids and intervening with early treatment in family therapy that teaches parents the tools to teach empathy and the research and clinical work in juvenile systems suggests the earlier kids get intervention the better they can do functioning in life and society. Not all psychopaths are violent criminals I’m not suggesting that - but all psychopaths who don’t get treatment will suffer emotional disconnect in their human experience so I think it is worth considering.

Here’s an article to get you started and I do suggest you contact a good child psychiatrist to get your child assessed and get her and yourselves into family therapy. Even if she doesn’t assess as psychopathy she is clearly struggling with dark thinking and that is not likely to get better by itself as she goes through the upheavals of puberty.

https://modlab.yale.edu/news/there-are-no-child-psychopaths-because-we-cant-diagnose-them-yet-vice

Omg. How is trying to label a young child a psychopath remotely helpful? One who has never actually been violent, loves animals, does well in school, is kind to peers and siblings, and is unfailingly honest?

Right?? Some people really get off on the idea that children can be psychopaths. It’s like some kind of true crime fantasy to them. When in reality this is a normal, intelligent girl who just makes her mother uncomfortable because she doesn’t conform to some imagined notion of a tween girl loving babies.

No doubt you and yours are not that kind of girl, we get it, you’re cool! But not conforming to a fantasy of tbe good loving girl is not what OP conveyed at all. Not loving versus “hating,” avoiding young cousins, and talking about leaving babies to die for some idiot ecosalvation fantasy is what a messed up kid says. OP should consider getting her assessed, and absent that, encourage DD to keep that type of thought to herself.

It’s a far stretch from tween said something outrageous” to “tween is a psychopath.” Only someone really invested in pathologizing kids could make that leap. OP clearly states the girl gets along with siblings and peers. A “messed up kid” had far more going on than an off-color joke.

But here’s the thing, it’s not *just* that tween daughter said something outrageous. Based on the info provided by OP, there is much more to it than that. Likely not psychopathy, but daughter should at least be evaluated for ASD/ADHD, which OP states she has aways suspected.

Anyone can get a dx of ASD and especially ADHD if they try these days. And guess what - even if OP wrangled a diagnosis, nothing that she recounted here actually constitutes something that can be resolved by a diagnosis or therapy. Her child makes blunt statements and doesn’t seem to like her younger cousins as much as OP would like. Other than teaching her that statements like that are going to give the wrong impression (which OP can do regardless of any diagnosis) there is literally nothing that will change the daughter into a baby-loving stereotype of girlhood.

If the child is doing decently in school, has friends, and behaves relatively well at home, then OP would just be looking for problems if she starts dragging the girl to therapy.

+1000. And trust me, “therapy” will find or even create problems.

OP be a parent. Your kid made one inappropriate statement. Kids do that. We all do that from time to time. Correct her and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this were a boy saying this if the response are the same. My tween boy says he doesn't like babies or little kids. He was on flight where a baby cried for hours and toddlers screamed which reinforced his opinion. Somehow I don't think people are as concerned when boys say this compared to girls.

Np - I would not be concerned that she doesn’t like babies or little kids. Many people do lot (or they just like their own). The concerning statement is that she would leave a baby to die.

Before calling a therapist (and my kids have seen many), I would try to delve deeper with her to see if she really feels that way and why. If she helps a baby on the side of the road (a very unlikely scenario for her to ever encounter), she wouldn’t have to keep it, etc. but helping others is good, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this were a boy saying this if the response are the same. My tween boy says he doesn't like babies or little kids. He was on flight where a baby cried for hours and toddlers screamed which reinforced his opinion. Somehow I don't think people are as concerned when boys say this compared to girls.

Np - I would not be concerned that she doesn’t like babies or little kids. Many people do lot (or they just like their own). The concerning statement is that she would leave a baby to die.

Before calling a therapist (and my kids have seen many), I would try to delve deeper with her to see if she really feels that way and why. If she helps a baby on the side of the road (a very unlikely scenario for her to ever encounter), she wouldn’t have to keep it, etc. but helping others is good, etc.

She’s still just 11, which is young enough not to understand what she actually said. Lecturing her that “helping others is good” is something adults do to make themselves feel better. The more socially saavy kids will respond with what they know the adult wants to hear - which the adults process as “oh what a good girl with empathy!” but actually is just an indication that the child knows what adults want to hear. Which is important developmentally, but represents social skills, not underlying morality.

So the conversation you actually need to have with a kid like this is in fact geared towards social skills - understanding that statements like that (even if joking) make other people upset.

This isn’t literally about a baby on the side of the road (absurd) but about how the child can learn to make a good impression. It’s more akin to manners and not morality. Because at the end of the day, the child in her clumsy way was expressing something that is a totally valid feeling - she notices she doesn’t like kids the way she is “supposed” to. The key is not to make her like babies, or feel ashamed that she “is not like other girls,” but to learn how to express herself better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is exactly like my older child, except more nuanced. He completely agrees with my older child and thinks she sees things more clearly than anyone else. I am completely outnumbered and I get out-argued every time. DH very much enjoys dark themes and exposes our kids to them at what I think is way too young of an age. If I put my foot down, he does it secretly or behind my back, which then forms a stronger bond between him and the kids. Or we end up in a huge argument, where he calls me WAY overprotective and controlling, but we will never see eye to eye on this.

What a mess. Why the hell would you be with and procreate with this goon? I have never understood people who confuse cruelty with intelligence, or brutality with honesty.

Get help for her, and discipline her as the grown, rational, capable adult you are, and when she acts an absolute unfiltered a-hole to her baby cousins, make clear to your younger ones that DD is behaving unkindly and where they model her, they’ll face restriction, too. Your DH doesn’t have to be on board with this. It’ll be hard, but every excuse you make simultaneously states “I’m raising a troubled d-ck and don’t give a damn about it.”

I never said she acts unkindly to her younger cousins. Not the case at all. She ignores them, and has zero interest in them. There's a difference - she is never an "unfiltered a-hole" to them. When they harass her, she is never mean, cruel, or dismissive. She answers their questions, and then quietly excuses herself to go read a book somewhere else. She just wants to be left alone.

OP your daughter is *fine.* She’s old enough to get some lectures to you about the likely consequences of saying shocking things in public. I have that conversation all the time with my DS. There is no therapy to make girls like babies and if there was, it would likely be tremendously abusive.

As for your DH and exposure to media you can try putting your foot down or at least compromising on it. But 5 Nights at Freddys or whatever is not going to turn your child into a psychopath.

The root of this concern of yours truly seems to be that your daughter does not conform to the stereotype of a young girl. Please try to let that go, and pay more attention to actual challenges she may need support with, and nurturing the talents she has. (And all kids have challenges of one sort or another.)

I don't think I'm responding to my own stereotypes. I have no real issues with her disliking babies/toddlers, even though I may try to (unsuccessfully) shift her attitudes by saying things like she was also a baby/toddler that I absolutely adored. Or try to cultivate some kind of relationship with her younger cousins by describing how much they look up to her and arrange times for them to spend time together, which ultimately seems to backfire. It did concern me when she made the comment about leaving the baby on the side of the road, because that's on a different level.

No this child is clearly not fine. It's ok to not like little kids. But what normal 11 year old says they would leave a baby to die. This child is disturbed.

Empathy isn’t a thing you know? (/s) Totally unimportant and meaningless, no point in trying to reinforce it let alone teach it, parenting is haaaard.

Yes, you clearly have SO much empathy. And what you’re talking about is not actually empathy (which is an internal feeling that is not always apparent) but a statement the child made that you find shocking. So really this is about conformity and not empathy.

Eh, get over yourself. None of this is about conformity, I’m not shocked, there’s nothing unusual or nonconformist in tweens, teens, adults, getting pleasure out of trying to upset others through try-hard extremism in what they say; the world is full of dull solipsists. (The revamping of The Babysitters Club series isn’t a tool of The Man Inc. to oppress all of the not like other girls.) You have literally no understanding of empathy, nor, I’m guessing, about much of anything. This is a parenting issue where DH has communicated effectively that mom’s perspective is stupid and weak and taking into any consideration much younger kids and what they understand is pathetic and somehow conformist, instead of -actually- living and letting live. You be you, I’ll lace up my gender-neutral Converse and wish you well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is exactly like my older child, except more nuanced. He completely agrees with my older child and thinks she sees things more clearly than anyone else. I am completely outnumbered and I get out-argued every time. DH very much enjoys dark themes and exposes our kids to them at what I think is way too young of an age. If I put my foot down, he does it secretly or behind my back, which then forms a stronger bond between him and the kids. Or we end up in a huge argument, where he calls me WAY overprotective and controlling, but we will never see eye to eye on this.

What a mess. Why the hell would you be with and procreate with this goon? I have never understood people who confuse cruelty with intelligence, or brutality with honesty.

Get help for her, and discipline her as the grown, rational, capable adult you are, and when she acts an absolute unfiltered a-hole to her baby cousins, make clear to your younger ones that DD is behaving unkindly and where they model her, they’ll face restriction, too. Your DH doesn’t have to be on board with this. It’ll be hard, but every excuse you make simultaneously states “I’m raising a troubled d-ck and don’t give a damn about it.”

I never said she acts unkindly to her younger cousins. Not the case at all. She ignores them, and has zero interest in them. There's a difference - she is never an "unfiltered a-hole" to them. When they harass her, she is never mean, cruel, or dismissive. She answers their questions, and then quietly excuses herself to go read a book somewhere else. She just wants to be left alone.

OP your daughter is *fine.* She’s old enough to get some lectures to you about the likely consequences of saying shocking things in public. I have that conversation all the time with my DS. There is no therapy to make girls like babies and if there was, it would likely be tremendously abusive.

As for your DH and exposure to media you can try putting your foot down or at least compromising on it. But 5 Nights at Freddys or whatever is not going to turn your child into a psychopath.

The root of this concern of yours truly seems to be that your daughter does not conform to the stereotype of a young girl. Please try to let that go, and pay more attention to actual challenges she may need support with, and nurturing the talents she has. (And all kids have challenges of one sort or another.)

I don't think I'm responding to my own stereotypes. I have no real issues with her disliking babies/toddlers, even though I may try to (unsuccessfully) shift her attitudes by saying things like she was also a baby/toddler that I absolutely adored. Or try to cultivate some kind of relationship with her younger cousins by describing how much they look up to her and arrange times for them to spend time together, which ultimately seems to backfire. It did concern me when she made the comment about leaving the baby on the side of the road, because that's on a different level.

No this child is clearly not fine. It's ok to not like little kids. But what normal 11 year old says they would leave a baby to die. This child is disturbed.

Empathy isn’t a thing you know? (/s) Totally unimportant and meaningless, no point in trying to reinforce it let alone teach it, parenting is haaaard.

Yes, you clearly have SO much empathy. And what you’re talking about is not actually empathy (which is an internal feeling that is not always apparent) but a statement the child made that you find shocking. So really this is about conformity and not empathy.

Eh, get over yourself. None of this is about conformity, I’m not shocked, there’s nothing unusual or nonconformist in tweens, teens, adults, getting pleasure out of trying to upset others through try-hard extremism in what they say; the world is full of dull solipsists. (The revamping of The Babysitters Club series isn’t a tool of The Man Inc. to oppress all of the not like other girls.) You have literally no understanding of empathy, nor, I’m guessing, about much of anything. This is a parenting issue where DH has communicated effectively that mom’s perspective is stupid and weak and taking into any consideration much younger kids and what they understand is pathetic and somehow conformist, instead of -actually- living and letting live. You be you, I’ll lace up my gender-neutral Converse and wish you well.

this word salad truly convinced me of your superior parenting.