Rant: I stupidly picked a career that’s not family friendly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Maybe I misunderstood my husband’s friends in various fields of law and tech. They seem to have 5-6 months of paid leave (which they all take) then work from home and continue to pump and bond with their babies. The lawyers at my daughters daycare do not miss events and have flexibility. Again they are in all different fields of law (big law, midsize law, in house, government). This post is just a vent post I understand that it is on me to course correct and I will end doing so. Just stinks to train for so long and have nothing to show for it.

I just seems that other white collar jobs have become more flexible and family friendly while medicine falls behind. That’s okay but I think if I understood that beforehand I would have made different choices.

I don't know ANYONE in Biglaw who takes that much leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Maybe I misunderstood my husband’s friends in various fields of law and tech. They seem to have 5-6 months of paid leave (which they all take) then work from home and continue to pump and bond with their babies. The lawyers at my daughters daycare do not miss events and have flexibility. Again they are in all different fields of law (big law, midsize law, in house, government). This post is just a vent post I understand that it is on me to course correct and I will end doing so. Just stinks to train for so long and have nothing to show for it.

I just seems that other white collar jobs have become more flexible and family friendly while medicine falls behind. That’s okay but I think if I understood that beforehand I would have made different choices.

PP here in law. I took 6 months of paid leave after having my baby. I continued to WFH and pump until about 8 months. I now still WFH (though many or most law firms are back at least 3 days in office), but there is 0 bonding time during the work day. I generally do not miss events, doctors appointments, dinner, bath time, but it comes at a cost to my sleep and physical health (for example: slept 2am-6:30am for months this year; have had 0 time to exercise; traveling involves red eyes on consecutive days to be home as much as possible). All of these have been personal choices to maximize time with my now-toddler. There is flexibility, but there are always trade offs. If you have stable hours, sufficient sleep, and no travel, I’d say the grass looks pretty green on your side too.

[Anonymous]

OP: FWIW I have significant health issues and my life and quality of life depends on my care team. You have not mentioned job satisfaction in terms of helping people. Your poor work/life balance affects patient care and your patients see it. You have an ethical responsibility to figure this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Maybe I misunderstood my husband’s friends in various fields of law and tech. They seem to have 5-6 months of paid leave (which they all take) then work from home and continue to pump and bond with their babies. The lawyers at my daughters daycare do not miss events and have flexibility. Again they are in all different fields of law (big law, midsize law, in house, government). This post is just a vent post I understand that it is on me to course correct and I will end doing so. Just stinks to train for so long and have nothing to show for it.

I just seems that other white collar jobs have become more flexible and family friendly while medicine falls behind. That’s okay but I think if I understood that beforehand I would have made different choices.

OP, I think you are selectively seeing what you want to see. Yes, law and tech are more conducive to WFH and pumping. But people in those fields are working during the day, not bonding with their babies. Sure, lack of commute gives them a few more hours in the day. And lack of shift work likely means they can block their calendar to attend a daycare event. But you aren't seeing their long, unpredictable hours. You aren't seeing their travel. You aren't seeing the emails that are blowing up their inbox while they are attending those daycare events.

If you have a professional job, you have demands on your time that seep into your personal life. Most physicians I know actually have the best balance, because most of their job doesn't come home with them.

If you want to make a career change, make one. All highly-educated parents (especially moms) have to make trade-offs between their personal life and maximizing their education/training. And no, absolutely not, physicians aren't special among graduate degree holders in terms of how hard they study, how long they train, how difficult it is, etc. Everyone who is in a demanding jobs worked and studied hard to get there...and some still decide to step back or use their training/knowledge/experience in different ways. Once you get it out of your head that you somehow are uniquely challenged work-life balance-wise and that somehow you worked/trained/studied harder/longer to get where you are, you will be able to see how many options you truly have.

I think there is a misunderstanding of physician work. Unless you truly are an ER doc. Physicians do bring home work and have to write notes and follow up on labs and respond to messages. Inboxes are also blowing up for doctors in the new age of mychart. I’m not sure why people think physicians deal with this too.

All I know is that it seems to be much less for my physician friends (none of whom are ER docs).

[Anonymous]

You’ll make more part time than most would full time. I had your issues but earned a fraction of the salary.

I had eight weeks off. That’s it. I returned to work when it still hurt to sit in a chair due to the tearing. Fun times.

There are no family values in America.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Maybe I misunderstood my husband’s friends in various fields of law and tech. They seem to have 5-6 months of paid leave (which they all take) then work from home and continue to pump and bond with their babies. The lawyers at my daughters daycare do not miss events and have flexibility. Again they are in all different fields of law (big law, midsize law, in house, government). This post is just a vent post I understand that it is on me to course correct and I will end doing so. Just stinks to train for so long and have nothing to show for it.

I just seems that other white collar jobs have become more flexible and family friendly while medicine falls behind. That’s okay but I think if I understood that beforehand I would have made different choices.

PP here in law. I took 6 months of paid leave after having my baby. I continued to WFH and pump until about 8 months. I now still WFH (though many or most law firms are back at least 3 days in office), but there is 0 bonding time during the work day. I generally do not miss events, doctors appointments, dinner, bath time, but it comes at a cost to my sleep and physical health (for example: slept 2am-6:30am for months this year; have had 0 time to exercise; traveling involves red eyes on consecutive days to be home as much as possible). All of these have been personal choices to maximize time with my now-toddler. There is flexibility, but there are always trade offs. If you have stable hours, sufficient sleep, and no travel, I’d say the grass looks pretty green on your side too.

PP in tech — same for me (except my 4 and 6 month leaves were unpaid). I definitely don’t disregard the benefits of working from home and on a somewhat flexible schedule but I pay the price in being expected to work while simultaneously caring for my young children (which I hate; makes me feel like a bad mom and a shoddy employee) when they’re sick or I have to keep working on something in the evening and I often find myself shorting myself in sleep to get everything done. I also have significant travel twice a year which entails crazy expensive childcare and more mom guilt. Every field has pros and cons. It’s fine to look at your friends in law/tech/whatever and see the ways their career is more family friendly than yours but please don’t do through all the bother of retraining yourself into another field only to discover the grass is only selectively greener!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I should have considered this more when choosing a career. I graduated during the recession so picked medicine because you can always have a job. But now, I see my friends in law and tech who get 5-6 months paid maternity leave and get to work from home and pump. Meanwhile, I have to fight to get 12 weeks and I work such long hours that I never bonded well with my first baby. Pumping is an inconvenience so I will likely end up formula feeding again (which is fine but I wish I could have more ability to do exclusive breastfeeding.) I should switch careers but I feel trapped since I trained so long to do this. Just wish I had understood this decision more prior to making it.

I’m a fed lawyer and had my kids a few years before federal parental leave existed. My agency is very family friendly, but I still only had my accrued leave to take after my kids were born, so I was back in the office after 10 weeks when I was out of leave. With my second kid I was able to telework 2 days a week. There is a lactation room at my office complex, which is a huge benefit, but it was still hard to find time to pump sometimes, when I often had back to back in person meetings.

I don’t doubt that your situation is challenging and I truly do empathize, but I don’t think you picked the wrong career. We were raised to believe that there is such a thing as career/family balance, when really it’s like a see saw. Sometimes career wins and sometimes family wins. Mom is stuck in the middle hoping not to fall off. We don’t have enough institutional or structural support for families, even in family friendly workplaces. It is really difficult for so many of us. It’s disheartening.

[Anonymous]

You are overemphasizing maternity leave and breast feeding vs everything that comes after. As mid career professional, you will have more flexibility as a doctor than the lawyers or tech workers (and more job security). Trust me, in a few years, you will be very glad you made the choice you did!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are overemphasizing maternity leave and breast feeding vs everything that comes after. As mid career professional, you will have more flexibility as a doctor than the lawyers or tech workers (and more job security). Trust me, in a few years, you will be very glad you made the choice you did!!!!

Thank you. You are probably right. Just in my feels knowing I’ll have a repeat with my last baby who barely knew me and was attached to dad and not me since I immediately go back to an intense schedule after leave. I’m hoping that if we go for a third, I’ll at least be financially in a place to take a break or pivot and have that bonding others have described (maybe even breastfeed exclusively). I’d like to at least have that experience once. But I agree long term it’s a good career. I appreciate that overall you all have been kind in your responses.

[Anonymous]

I know several women MDs, dentists, and pharmacists who worked PT for a few years while their kids were young, making very low salaries just to keep their foot in the game until they could ramp back up. They all had breadwinner spouses who could support the family on a single income during that time. OP, unfortunately, does not. Her hard work subsidizes her spouse’s government hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know several women MDs, dentists, and pharmacists who worked PT for a few years while their kids were young, making very low salaries just to keep their foot in the game until they could ramp back up. They all had breadwinner spouses who could support the family on a single income during that time. OP, unfortunately, does not. Her hard work subsidizes her spouse’s government hours.

This is not a problem associated with medicine, it's a problem associated with their standard of living and her DH's career choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am in law. If it makes you feel better OP, while the mat leave is great, there’s so much work outside of “regular” work hours, and a lot of travel too, which is hard.

That does make me feel a bit better. Though in medicine we have a lot of off hours as well. My husband is in law and has a really really nice set up so I feel it acutely everyday.

I think I’m most sad about missing out on the bonding most people have with their babies. Again it was my choice to pick such an intense career so I get the PP who says to just quite whining.

For those who say part time, I guess it depends on the field of medicine but in my work it’s not cost effective to allow for part time. I think I need to leave medicine but just feels like a waste of all this time training.

I’m conflicted on what to tell my daughters- go big like I was taught or should you be realistic and pick a family friendly career to begin with. Not sure the answer.

This seems like overkill. Every doctor mom I know is PT or has some arrangement to make things at least somewhat family-friendly. Are you being kind of dramatic, or do you literally think you need to leave the field of medicine in order to spend time with your baby?

I am a lawyer (with teenage kids now). If I could turn back time, I would definitely have seen if I could have taken off a few years when the kids were babies, because I agree with you about the importance of bonding. But I never contemplated leaving the field of law altogether.

There must be something you could do (take a 1-year leave of absence) to make it possible?

[Anonymous]

Am in law. Spouse is a doctor. In spite of the rather difficult work my spouse does, I would much rather be in medicine than in law. you have a LOT more flexibility as a doctor than lawyers do, and generally have a lot better earning potential. find another job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know several women MDs, dentists, and pharmacists who worked PT for a few years while their kids were young, making very low salaries just to keep their foot in the game until they could ramp back up. They all had breadwinner spouses who could support the family on a single income during that time. OP, unfortunately, does not. Her hard work subsidizes her spouse’s government hours.

Get outta here, her husband is a govt lawyer so probably making at least $150K. She could absolutely dial it down and they could be fine on $175-$200K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Maybe I misunderstood my husband’s friends in various fields of law and tech. They seem to have 5-6 months of paid leave (which they all take) then work from home and continue to pump and bond with their babies. The lawyers at my daughters daycare do not miss events and have flexibility. Again they are in all different fields of law (big law, midsize law, in house, government). This post is just a vent post I understand that it is on me to course correct and I will end doing so. Just stinks to train for so long and have nothing to show for it.

I just seems that other white collar jobs have become more flexible and family friendly while medicine falls behind. That’s okay but I think if I understood that beforehand I would have made different choices.

I can assure you that the gov lawyers do not get 5-6 months of paid leave. Fed offers 12 weeks paid leave, anything else and you need to use your own saved up leave. I suppose if you had a bunch of leave banked you could make it to 5-6 months, but that is rare for early career professionals. The lawyers I know who did have kids before the fed offered paid leave completely blanked out their leave for whatever maternity leave they took, then blanked it out again when the kids got sick.

What stage in your career are you? It sounds like you had a kid in residency/fellowship. If so, that is pure hell, no doubt. But unless you chose to be a surgeon, attending life is much better than residency and fellowship. And if you did choose to be a surgeon, then you have the money to pay for whatever child care assistance you need. Not saying it is not difficult. it is. But you have options that many lawyers do not.