How cruel is parents not paying for oldest children's college, yet paying for the youngest?

[Anonymous]

This happened to my sister and I, we were each told to pay for college ourselves or not go. I joined the military for the GI Bill (the irony of my parents being "traumatized" by me joining, like what were you expecting) and my sister ended up having to start at a community college and secure loans to eventually complete her BA at a four year school. Meanwhile the "baby" of the family, my youngest sister has school paid for except since she has always been spoiled, fails out. Pretty darn funny how that works. Youngest is over 30 now without a degree and still running to parents to solve problems. They have treated her differently our entire lives. It was very onbrand for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, what do you mean they were talking about it on social media? Like, they said "haha, we're paying for McKenzie but Tyler had to pay for his own education." Or... I just can't picture this or understand how you know about it.

Specific to Facebook, the parents are documenting visits and tours of about a dozen colleges. In the comments, expenses come up, and they make references to financial help they will provide. Some of the college visits are private, some are out of state, so these are expensive.

When the oldest were high school seniors they were told zero help for college expenses. They did not visit a single college with their two oldest — let alone traveling hundreds of miles to campuses.

Maybe they learned from that experience with the oldest and realized that they should do better for the youngest. I am much more on top of things for my youngest compared to my oldest - they're not at college age yet but I just have more experience the second time.

[Anonymous]

It was the opposite in my DH’s family (he’s the youngest of 3 sons). His parents didn’t pay for all of his older brothers’ expenses, but did manage to cover a decent amount.

By the time DH was ready for college (he’s 7 and 5 years younger than his brothers), they had blown through a $300k inheritance with a failed business attempt and two bitter divorces from each other (yes, they were married to each other twice!). There was nothing left for DH.

I don’t think he’s bitter about it, because he knows what happened, but what annoys him is when his mom revises history a little to make it sound like she helped him. She did not. He worked at Walmart full time to pay for college.

[Anonymous]

I have three brothers and we all got our college paid for in a different way. My father's death when three of us were in various years of college and one still in high school set off a catastrophic chain of events that led to the loss of financial aid bc my grieving mother didn't file taxes and therefore couldn't fill out the FAFSA. It's ridiculous and cost everyone a lot of money but my point in posting this is that you don't know what is going on in someone else's home.

[Anonymous]

It's so bizarre that their must be an explanation. Did they come into significantly more wealth later in life? Are the adult kids and the younger sibling full or half siblings? Are the parents going to even things out in their estate plan? Do you even know, OP, why, or are you just reacting based on assumptions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's so bizarre that their must be an explanation. Did they come into significantly more wealth later in life? Are the adult kids and the younger sibling full or half siblings? Are the parents going to even things out in their estate plan? Do you even know, OP, why, or are you just reacting based on assumptions?

The older siblings are still college and grad school aged, so not a significant age gap from their high school senior sibling and the family finances have not changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was the opposite in my DH’s family (he’s the youngest of 3 sons). His parents didn’t pay for all of his older brothers’ expenses, but did manage to cover a decent amount.

By the time DH was ready for college (he’s 7 and 5 years younger than his brothers), they had blown through a $300k inheritance with a failed business attempt and two bitter divorces from each other (yes, they were married to each other twice!). There was nothing left for DH.

I don’t think he’s bitter about it, because he knows what happened, but what annoys him is when his mom revises history a little to make it sound like she helped him. She did not. He worked at Walmart full time to pay for college.

I had similar happen with the same distorted history crap from parents! To this day my parents refuse to admit or acknowledge they treated us differently. It’s nuts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so bizarre that their must be an explanation. Did they come into significantly more wealth later in life? Are the adult kids and the younger sibling full or half siblings? Are the parents going to even things out in their estate plan? Do you even know, OP, why, or are you just reacting based on assumptions?

The older siblings are still college and grad school aged, so not a significant age gap from their high school senior sibling and the family finances have not changed.

Are they full siblings, half siblings or step siblings (and the parent of the child who gets college paid for makes all the money)? If they are full siblings who share the same parents, with such a small age difference and family finances haven't changed, then it's very bizarre and certainly sounds cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unlikely the “investing” stops with college. They’ll pay for her wedding and try to help her with a down payment on a house too. Parents (and grandparents) with fluid values and belief systems that change depending on the favored children are rotten. And they will never admit they favor one over the other. They always have some backwards ass excuse or perceived slights to rationalize it. It’s not worth your breath calling them out because they’ll refuse to admit how cruel it is.

This is our family. My sister and I find it hysterical that they justify the misogyny and giving everything to my brother and his wife because they view him as fragile. I feel no guilt about leaving all the caring for them to him and his evil wife.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t read the whole thread, but what if oldest is a slacker who barely tried in HS and youngest is a workaholic valedictorian who spends all their free time studying? Are they entitled to the same post HS education?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so bizarre that their must be an explanation. Did they come into significantly more wealth later in life? Are the adult kids and the younger sibling full or half siblings? Are the parents going to even things out in their estate plan? Do you even know, OP, why, or are you just reacting based on assumptions?

The older siblings are still college and grad school aged, so not a significant age gap from their high school senior sibling and the family finances have not changed.

Are they full siblings, half siblings or step siblings (and the parent of the child who gets college paid for makes all the money)? If they are full siblings who share the same parents, with such a small age difference and family finances haven't changed, then it's very bizarre and certainly sounds cruel.

Three full siblings. Baby of the family gets college paid for, older two had to fend for themselves.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me. Sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FIL paid fully for some of his kids to go to college and not anything for others. What some might not know is that the ones he paid for had to go to the college that FIL chose and no, it wasn’t the same for each of them. DH was one of the ones who said no and had to pay his own way. He doesn’t regret that choice.

Most parents who pay for college have some say in the college, why wouldn’t they? Naive teen vs an elder with life experience and the intelligence to have six-figures with of liquid capital. Dad probably knows a thing or two.

My husband is now 50 years old. He said his upbringing was all about control issues and he doesn’t regret his choice to do his own thing. He didn’t speak to his father for over ten years. That’s the other side of it. It wasn’t about the tuition. It was about a father trying to have control and not respecting a teen and then a young man’s choices and trying to give too many ultimatums.

I get it. However, as someone with a lot of student loans, I assure you if a parent or rich uncle offered me free college only if I attended university A B or C I would have eagerly accepted the deal. Most low and middle class teens would do the same.

I understand that too. In DH’s situation, he wanted to move away. His siblings were able to but his father thought he wouldn’t do well in college and only offered to pay for him to stay at home and attend the local state school. It would be the equivalent of if siblings were able to go to the fancy private out of state but he had to live at home and attend Mason. He said no thanks and moved out on his own for a few years. Not everyone would make that choice but I understand his reasoning too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t read the whole thread, but what if oldest is a slacker who barely tried in HS and youngest is a workaholic valedictorian who spends all their free time studying? Are they entitled to the same post HS education?

Nothing out of the ordinary about the baby of the family's achievement. Baby is certainly not a valedictorian. All three had A's and B's and above average test scores. Nothing that would get those lavish presidential full-ride scholarships or anything like that.

[Anonymous]

Happened to my husband. Parents couldn't afford Boy Scouts for him, but paid for Girl Scouts for his sister. They didn't have time to take him to travel soccer games or practices, but they could take his brother to all his travel music recitals. They paid for 100% of brother and sister's college educations. They even gave sister an allowance through college so she didn't have to work, and they bought her a car.

The dynamic continues now in our 40's and 50's. They buy daughter and her teenager new phones and laptops every couple of years. Bought her a new car a few years ago. Subsidize her rent. (Mind you, she has a professional job.)

DH worked his way up in a government job with only a HS education, but makes more than his sister. I've got a decent government job. We were a 1 car family for years to save money, I cut my own hair, we have a 15 year old car and only replace our phones when they're obsolete or dead. For many reasons, we don't have much in the way of assets but we have pensions. One thing we splurge on is travel because I have family abroad and we live to take our child there.

Despite not getting any family support, my DH is the one who they call to drive them to health appointments c fix his dad's car, do jobs around their apartments (they're divorced now) and we are expected to host the extended family for holidays (we have the only house that's central to both parents). DH does all the heavy lifting of elder care,

So recently DH was told that he and his brother were being taken out of MIL's will because neither he nor his brother really need the money but his sister does. FIL's will all goes to MIL (they're divorced, but they agreed she would inherit his assets if he does first.) so essentially DH is cut out of both wills. His brother is legitimately quite wealthy in a field that they financially supported his whole young adulthood. But we're far from wealthy. Their evidence that we don't need the money is that we travel every year and own a home. SIL still rents and seems to spend everything she has (and I'm being judgmental here anonymously, but she spends it on stuff like daily Starbucks for her and her child...which adds up to as much as I spend in airfare, the evidence they have that we don't need money.)

We're not talking about life changing money. It might be $10,000 or $15,000 for each child at the most. It's a legitimately helpful sun for paying for a semester of tuition for our child, but we can live without it. It's just the IDEA of them purposefully excluding DH and his brother to advantage a sister who has already been advantaged her whole life. And still it's DH who they call on to do all of their errands and literal dirty work like fixing clogged toilets.

And then they wonder why their kids aren't close and don't enjoy spending time together.