How cruel is parents not paying for oldest children's college, yet paying for the youngest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have just learned this will be happening in our extended family and feel so bad for two young adult elder kids. No dramatic change in household income or net worth. The two older children were told to pay their own way or don't go, while the baby of the family is getting hers paid for, a pricey private college at that.

Evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have just learned this will be happening in our extended family and feel so bad for two young adult elder kids. No dramatic change in household income or net worth. The two older children were told to pay their own way or don't go, while the baby of the family is getting hers paid for, a pricey private college at that.

Evil.

+2

DH paid his own way, but the rest of the family did not. Same with other situations, where the parent/s pitted the kids against each other. Honestly, the atrocities made DH a better person, made DH realize full well what NOT to do, and said more about them than anyone. Once outsiders see what is really happening, that is official retribution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never forgive my parents.

This.

It's terribly unfair but what can you do? Nothing.

What is equal and what is fair are very often different things

[Anonymous]

FIL paid fully for some of his kids to go to college and not anything for others. What some might not know is that the ones he paid for had to go to the college that FIL chose and no, it wasn’t the same for each of them. DH was one of the ones who said no and had to pay his own way. He doesn’t regret that choice.

[Anonymous]

I paid my way through college and it was TOUGH.

With my mom it was part of a dysfunctional pattern. She continued playing favorites, pitting siblings against each other, etc. for as long as she was alive.

When she was old and living alone, I remembered all of that. I did not allow myself to be used by golden child siblings for helping with mom's care.

[Anonymous]

I felt I could only go to college if I got a full scholarship (which I did but it meant that I had very little choice). My much younger brother went to a small private school with only a partial scholarship. I don’t begrudge that at all and am super happy that he was able to go somewhere that was a good fit for him.

[Anonymous]

Unlikely the “investing” stops with college. They’ll pay for her wedding and try to help her with a down payment on a house too. Parents (and grandparents) with fluid values and belief systems that change depending on the favored children are rotten. And they will never admit they favor one over the other. They always have some backwards ass excuse or perceived slights to rationalize it. It’s not worth your breath calling them out because they’ll refuse to admit how cruel it is.

[Anonymous]

My parents “paid my way” to a private university, but I’d earned a full tuition scholarship, so they were paying for fees, books, dorm, meal plan, travel back home. My hard work in high school (and, let’s face it, good luck) paid for most of it. Maybe something similar is going on with OP’s relative? Maybe the youngest kid earned substantial aide and paying the remainder didn’t seem as daunting to the parents as full pay did with the older ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FIL paid fully for some of his kids to go to college and not anything for others. What some might not know is that the ones he paid for had to go to the college that FIL chose and no, it wasn’t the same for each of them. DH was one of the ones who said no and had to pay his own way. He doesn’t regret that choice.

Most parents who pay for college have some say in the college, why wouldn’t they? Naive teen vs an elder with life experience and the intelligence to have six-figures with of liquid capital. Dad probably knows a thing or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FIL paid fully for some of his kids to go to college and not anything for others. What some might not know is that the ones he paid for had to go to the college that FIL chose and no, it wasn’t the same for each of them. DH was one of the ones who said no and had to pay his own way. He doesn’t regret that choice.

Most parents who pay for college have some say in the college, why wouldn’t they? Naive teen vs an elder with life experience and the intelligence to have six-figures with of liquid capital. Dad probably knows a thing or two.

My husband is now 50 years old. He said his upbringing was all about control issues and he doesn’t regret his choice to do his own thing. He didn’t speak to his father for over ten years. That’s the other side of it. It wasn’t about the tuition. It was about a father trying to have control and not respecting a teen and then a young man’s choices and trying to give too many ultimatums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FIL paid fully for some of his kids to go to college and not anything for others. What some might not know is that the ones he paid for had to go to the college that FIL chose and no, it wasn’t the same for each of them. DH was one of the ones who said no and had to pay his own way. He doesn’t regret that choice.

Most parents who pay for college have some say in the college, why wouldn’t they? Naive teen vs an elder with life experience and the intelligence to have six-figures with of liquid capital. Dad probably knows a thing or two.

My husband is now 50 years old. He said his upbringing was all about control issues and he doesn’t regret his choice to do his own thing. He didn’t speak to his father for over ten years. That’s the other side of it. It wasn’t about the tuition. It was about a father trying to have control and not respecting a teen and then a young man’s choices and trying to give too many ultimatums.

I get it. However, as someone with a lot of student loans, I assure you if a parent or rich uncle offered me free college only if I attended university A B or C I would have eagerly accepted the deal. Most low and middle class teens would do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So then if you couldn’t do something for one of your kids you shouldn’t do it for any? I’m not in this boat because my older kids did not go to college. But frankly, if we were so inclined, we could do much more for our youngest than we would have been able for our older kids due to having a paid off mortgage and no longer having to pay high medical bills for one of our kids and higher incomes.

Also I was in this situation sort of. My father died when I was young and my mom had to choose which kids to support because she couldn’t support all of us. I was the one she choose not to support. It must have sucked to be her and have to choose. No resentment here.

You can do whatever you want. But there will be blowback and consequences because the slighted person will feel hurt by the injustice and may respond in ways you don't like.

It's great that you hold no resentment. Many people understandably would.

Meh, your parents are not oppressing you so leave out the injustice talk. I had to pay for my [in state] college - immigrant parents, minimum wage jobs that didn't leave a dime to spare, and then my much younger brother got his paid for, because by that time our parents moved on to union jobs and had some money in the bank. Such is life, you can't equalize everything.

Do you understand how financial aid works for middle and upper middle class families? It REQUIRES the parents help. 1) A teen needs access to parents' tax returns. A**hole parents could deny a child this from the get-go. 2) If you get the tax returns, FAFSA spits out an estimated family contribution (EFC), which what your parents are expected to help cover towards college expenses annually. 3) Based on that, the child will either be told to get funding from their parents or some combo of parent funding plus loans, but the parents have to co-sign any larger parent loans. The only federal loans every American kid has access to is $5,500 per year. $5,500 a year barely covers a dorm meal plan. Middle class and upper middle class parents in 2023 telling a kid they are not contributing a dime to their college totally screws the kid.

This. My (single) mom (dad died) refused to give me access to her tax returns or fill out aid forms. She refused and I would have received aid so I had to find scholarships and paid the rest on my own. There are parents who do this. It is awful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So then if you couldn’t do something for one of your kids you shouldn’t do it for any? I’m not in this boat because my older kids did not go to college. But frankly, if we were so inclined, we could do much more for our youngest than we would have been able for our older kids due to having a paid off mortgage and no longer having to pay high medical bills for one of our kids and higher incomes.

Also I was in this situation sort of. My father died when I was young and my mom had to choose which kids to support because she couldn’t support all of us. I was the one she choose not to support. It must have sucked to be her and have to choose. No resentment here.

You can do whatever you want. But there will be blowback and consequences because the slighted person will feel hurt by the injustice and may respond in ways you don't like.

It's great that you hold no resentment. Many people understandably would.

Meh, your parents are not oppressing you so leave out the injustice talk. I had to pay for my [in state] college - immigrant parents, minimum wage jobs that didn't leave a dime to spare, and then my much younger brother got his paid for, because by that time our parents moved on to union jobs and had some money in the bank. Such is life, you can't equalize everything.

Do you understand how financial aid works for middle and upper middle class families? It REQUIRES the parents help. 1) A teen needs access to parents' tax returns. A**hole parents could deny a child this from the get-go. 2) If you get the tax returns, FAFSA spits out an estimated family contribution (EFC), which what your parents are expected to help cover towards college expenses annually. 3) Based on that, the child will either be told to get funding from their parents or some combo of parent funding plus loans, but the parents have to co-sign any larger parent loans. The only federal loans every American kid has access to is $5,500 per year. $5,500 a year barely covers a dorm meal plan. Middle class and upper middle class parents in 2023 telling a kid they are not contributing a dime to their college totally screws the kid.

This. My (single) mom (dad died) refused to give me access to her tax returns or fill out aid forms. She refused and I would have received aid so I had to find scholarships and paid the rest on my own. There are parents who do this. It is awful!

Did she say why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have just learned this will be happening in our extended family and feel so bad for two young adult elder kids. No dramatic change in household income or net worth. The two older children were told to pay their own way or don't go, while the baby of the family is getting hers paid for, a pricey private college at that.

You don’t know the full story. My aunt and uncle only partially paid for undergrad for all the older kids but paid for undergrad, graduate professional school, car, wedding, and down payment on house for the youngest. The accounted for the extra paid to the youngest as an advance in their trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, what do you mean they were talking about it on social media? Like, they said "haha, we're paying for McKenzie but Tyler had to pay for his own education." Or... I just can't picture this or understand how you know about it.

Specific to Facebook, the parents are documenting visits and tours of about a dozen colleges. In the comments, expenses come up, and they make references to financial help they will provide. Some of the college visits are private, some are out of state, so these are expensive.

When the oldest were high school seniors they were told zero help for college expenses. They did not visit a single college with their two oldest — let alone traveling hundreds of miles to campuses.