How cruel is parents not paying for oldest children's college, yet paying for the youngest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never forgive my parents.

To top it off, the parents are boasting about it on Facebook the week before everyone is together for Thanksgiving. Salt in the wound.

[Anonymous]

My BIL sued his dad for back child support because he paid for his new families, kids college and not his. The judge granted him back child support and half of his college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s cruel, although in most families, this might reflect a change in income or financial stability. You also may not know the whole story. Perhaps the older kids will get help with buying houses, or something equally significant.

In my own family, major financial decisions were complicated by my parents’ divorce and by their very different values. I doubt that anyone would know that my older brother, who was not academically enthusiastic, deliberately chose a path that would hopefully make my own educational options easier.

Haha. No. No chance.

[Anonymous]

My mom had the opposite - money was there for the 3 oldest kids but not available for younger 4. It is really interesting dynamics as the older ones had solid upper middle class lives and younger 3 had very different paths

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So then if you couldn’t do something for one of your kids you shouldn’t do it for any? I’m not in this boat because my older kids did not go to college. But frankly, if we were so inclined, we could do much more for our youngest than we would have been able for our older kids due to having a paid off mortgage and no longer having to pay high medical bills for one of our kids and higher incomes.

Also I was in this situation sort of. My father died when I was young and my mom had to choose which kids to support because she couldn’t support all of us. I was the one she choose not to support. It must have sucked to be her and have to choose. No resentment here.

But this isn't ancient history, this is all relatively recently. It's basically impossible to go to a university without parental help these days. The best merit scholarships require all As and 95 percentile scores, so very few middle class high school students qualify. If parents refuse to help, you're basically nudging your kids to join the military if they want a university education or spend their life in a blue collar field. Then you pivot and let your youngest glide off to university and be set up for a white collar career.

[Anonymous]

Cruel is not the right word for this specific situation, but it's certainly deeply unfair and likely damaging to relationships.

I would also guess that this one decision is a reflection of other imbalances in the family that might actually move into the realm of cruel.

[Anonymous]

This actually happened to me. I am intimately aware of my parent’s’ circumstances during the years in question so I will ignore any outsider PPs who suggest maybe they had a relevant change in fortune. They did not.

No, they had a change of heart about the value of a 4 yr degree. By the time youngest sibling was in HS, college was necessary. For me, the oldest of kids spanning only a decade, if I wanted that luxury then I had to figure out how to pay for it. I was very bitter but had to let it go.

However, to this day, I refuse to let any family member revise history when the topic rarely comes up. (“Why, it was so important to is to see that the educational needs of our kids were taken care of! Because college is so important blah blah blah.” Nope, only applicable to 2 of 3 — pass the salt please. )

And, being arbitrarily set back made me incredibly resourceful. I can’t deny that. But I vowed that no child of mine would be punished educationally for any ideological reasons. ie, no being forced to take out a loan “to get some skin in the game.” No turning down a game-changing professional internship because it paid less than Starbcuks and their half of the tuition bill was due — even though I could easily pay it

I have made good on my word, and spent a good part of 30 years making it happen

[Anonymous]

Some parents view college as more necessary for one gender over the other, or for "new" families versus "old" families.

I have two relatives who were shafted out of college because their dads divorced and refused to pay for college.

It's hard to say without knowing why the first two kids weren't even considered for college. Favoritism? Older kids weren't particularly fond of school? Parents thought boys should pay their own way and try the trades first?

[Anonymous]

This happened to me. I had to work my way through college and get scholarships, while my parents covered my little sister's education (and her bills for a couple years after college). No reason, other than that she is the "baby" and they coddled her. I've never had a strong relationship with my parents, and this didn't help, but oh well. I got over it and didn't think about it for years until I saw your post.

[Anonymous]

Mind your own business OP. Don’t be a gossipy cow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This actually happened to me. I am intimately aware of my parent’s’ circumstances during the years in question so I will ignore any outsider PPs who suggest maybe they had a relevant change in fortune. They did not.

No, they had a change of heart about the value of a 4 yr degree. By the time youngest sibling was in HS, college was necessary. For me, the oldest of kids spanning only a decade, if I wanted that luxury then I had to figure out how to pay for it. I was very bitter but had to let it go.

However, to this day, I refuse to let any family member revise history when the topic rarely comes up. (“Why, it was so important to is to see that the educational needs of our kids were taken care of! Because college is so important blah blah blah.” Nope, only applicable to 2 of 3 — pass the salt please. )

And, being arbitrarily set back made me incredibly resourceful. I can’t deny that. But I vowed that no child of mine would be punished educationally for any ideological reasons. ie, no being forced to take out a loan “to get some skin in the game.” No turning down a game-changing professional internship because it paid less than Starbcuks and their half of the tuition bill was due — even though I could easily pay it

I have made good on my word, and spent a good part of 30 years making it happen

I'm the pp who said my parents did the same thing to me, and I also agree with you. My DH didn't go to college, and so he doesn't understand my obsession with paying for college for our child. But I won't retire until DS's college is fully paid for, and that includes housing expenses so he can take an unpaid internship if it's really good. I landed on my feet, and have a prestigious job and am resilient, thanks to being left on my own, but I can't deny that it was a harder road than necessasry because I had to scrape and claw to get where I am, when it could have been easier.

[Anonymous]

I didn't pay much for my eldest child's college education, she was awarded a full-ride scholarship to her dream art school. There were some incidental expenses, but nowhere near what I've shelled out for DS who's in his final year of a state school, and next year DD2 will be headed to state as well.

It's never come up, she's not the type to bean count, and I'm sure she's happy to have her younger siblings receive higher education. But it does seem like something we should talk about one day. I'm equally proud of all my kids and want them to have great lives.

[Anonymous]

It’s really unhealthy for siblings to count beans like this, and it’s totally uncalled for for their distant relatives to do it.

[Anonymous]

It’s not good.

Will they help the eldest pay off their loans? Or they really just favor the youngest and don’t care how unfair it is?

[Anonymous]

Well I would rather be an older child in this position with a shot at downpayment or grad school help than a younger child whose older siblings were covered but now I'm not and I might have to pay for eldercare because fortunes have reversed in the opposite direction.