How cruel is parents not paying for oldest children's college, yet paying for the youngest?

[Anonymous]

You don't know the financial story. This happened in our family. I am one of the older children who did not have college paid for. My baby sister did. The reason, when I went to school, I had other siblings near my age were going to school at the same time, and my parents could not afford to send multiple kids to school. By the time my baby sister came around college age, she was the one and only. My parents could afford to send one child to school and also they had more money to save because we had all moved out of the house when my little sister was still in high school

[Anonymous]

Op, how did the older kids pay for college?

[Anonymous]

The only people who can decide if it is cruel or not are the children directly involved in this scenario. My parents paid much more for my younger brother’s education than they did for me and my sister - but none of us thought it was cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't know the financial story. This happened in our family. I am one of the older children who did not have college paid for. My baby sister did. The reason, when I went to school, I had other siblings near my age were going to school at the same time, and my parents could not afford to send multiple kids to school. By the time my baby sister came around college age, she was the one and only. My parents could afford to send one child to school and also they had more money to save because we had all moved out of the house when my little sister was still in high school

It’s still complete and utter BS. When my in-laws decided to contribute a flat amount to my DH’s law school tuition, they cut their other two kids an equal check in the interest of fairness. Maybe they take it too far the other way, but I’ve always appreciated their desire not to show bias.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think cruel is the right word, but it's totally destructive to all relationships and the family dynamic. It's basically a one way ticket to no contact, lonely quiet holidays and never seeing those future grandkids.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have just learned this will be happening in our extended family and feel so bad for two young adult elder kids. No dramatic change in household income or net worth. The two older children were told to pay their own way or don't go, while the baby of the family is getting hers paid for, a pricey private college at that.

This happened with my BiL. His parents paid for his younger sister and paid nothing for him. They told him this flat out the fall of his senior year “we aren’t paying for your college but paying for sister.” They also paid for her new car, her wedding, and helped give her a down payment for a house. They aren’t wealthy by ANY means.

My BiL got about a half ride scholarship to a state school (he could have got more if his parents had been upfront earlier) and worked all throughout college then he went to law school after working a few years and saving. He is a lot more successful than his sister. By leaps and bounds. He is also kinder and more down to earth even with his success. You would think his sister is a princess by how she acts and how she views herself sometimes.

He also has 529 for all 3 of his kids and will make sure they can go where they want for college. He was very open about it and his dad finally told him they had faith in him being successful but not his sister (not a nice thing to say). He believes it was favoritism which he says happened his entire childhood.

He has a better relationship with his parents now but it’s not great. He didn’t even need/want them to pay for college but the blatant favoritism is what got him.

Honestly those parents don’t know what they have coming. I have heard a few stories and people remember how you treat them and make them feel.

It’s one thing for a financial situation to have changed or something and sit the kids down and tell them. You favor one kid and it will come back to bit you later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So then if you couldn’t do something for one of your kids you shouldn’t do it for any? I’m not in this boat because my older kids did not go to college. But frankly, if we were so inclined, we could do much more for our youngest than we would have been able for our older kids due to having a paid off mortgage and no longer having to pay high medical bills for one of our kids and higher incomes.

Also I was in this situation sort of. My father died when I was young and my mom had to choose which kids to support because she couldn’t support all of us. I was the one she choose not to support. It must have sucked to be her and have to choose. No resentment here.

You can do whatever you want. But there will be blowback and consequences because the slighted person will feel hurt by the injustice and may respond in ways you don't like.

It's great that you hold no resentment. Many people understandably would.

Meh, your parents are not oppressing you so leave out the injustice talk. I had to pay for my [in state] college - immigrant parents, minimum wage jobs that didn't leave a dime to spare, and then my much younger brother got his paid for, because by that time our parents moved on to union jobs and had some money in the bank. Such is life, you can't equalize everything.

Do you understand how financial aid works for middle and upper middle class families? It REQUIRES the parents help. 1) A teen needs access to parents' tax returns. A**hole parents could deny a child this from the get-go. 2) If you get the tax returns, FAFSA spits out an estimated family contribution (EFC), which what your parents are expected to help cover towards college expenses annually. 3) Based on that, the child will either be told to get funding from their parents or some combo of parent funding plus loans, but the parents have to co-sign any larger parent loans. The only federal loans every American kid has access to is $5,500 per year. $5,500 a year barely covers a dorm meal plan. Middle class and upper middle class parents in 2023 telling a kid they are not contributing a dime to their college totally screws the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It looks bad, but perhaps there is a financial change you don't know about. We haven't changed our visible habits, still live in the same tiny house and drive the same cars, but we're much wealthier than we used to be, and can afford to pay for any university for our two kids. Couldn't have done that 10 years ago.

I have 3 kids. If my first 2 had paid their way though college and then finances changed so that I could foot a fancy private school bill for my third, I would make up for it by giving the older 2 downpayment money or something equivalent. Maybe OP doesn’t know all the details. But you don’t give the windfall to one kid even if it comes later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have just learned this will be happening in our extended family and feel so bad for two young adult elder kids. No dramatic change in household income or net worth. The two older children were told to pay their own way or don't go, while the baby of the family is getting hers paid for, a pricey private college at that.

Usually older children provide for elder care and/ or pick their parents nursing home or the home care giver.
What goes around, comes around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband's parents paid for his sister's college but not his for reasons that are unclear. She is a spoiled princess and he is the forgotten one.
My parents paid for my sister's college but not mine as I got a full ride. My father celebrated my full ride by buying himself a car.

Perhaps he felt that his support of you in high school is what enabled you to get the full ride. What was your full ride based on? Grades alone? Grades +SAT/ACT score? Athletics/Music?

Purely SAT score, I played no sports and did no music. I worked after-school at a lab every day and got scientific experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have just learned this will be happening in our extended family and feel so bad for two young adult elder kids. No dramatic change in household income or net worth. The two older children were told to pay their own way or don't go, while the baby of the family is getting hers paid for, a pricey private college at that.

This happened with my BiL. His parents paid for his younger sister and paid nothing for him. They told him this flat out the fall of his senior year “we aren’t paying for your college but paying for sister.” They also paid for her new car, her wedding, and helped give her a down payment for a house. They aren’t wealthy by ANY means.

My BiL got about a half ride scholarship to a state school (he could have got more if his parents had been upfront earlier) and worked all throughout college then he went to law school after working a few years and saving. He is a lot more successful than his sister. By leaps and bounds. He is also kinder and more down to earth even with his success. You would think his sister is a princess by how she acts and how she views herself sometimes.

He also has 529 for all 3 of his kids and will make sure they can go where they want for college. He was very open about it and his dad finally told him they had faith in him being successful but not his sister (not a nice thing to say). He believes it was favoritism which he says happened his entire childhood.

He has a better relationship with his parents now but it’s not great. He didn’t even need/want them to pay for college but the blatant favoritism is what got him.

Honestly those parents don’t know what they have coming. I have heard a few stories and people remember how you treat them and make them feel.

It’s one thing for a financial situation to have changed or something and sit the kids down and tell them. You favor one kid and it will come back to bit you later.

Wow. How cruel. Without being too revealing, did the sister finish college and marry well? That is such a big leg up in life, getting access to wealthier and more ambitious dating pools – and not having the baggage of student loan debt. Kid A you tell go join a trade or the military isn't meeting the same caliber of peers as the kid B who you helped go to any college they wish.

[Anonymous]

I mean not necessarily cruel, and I’m not sure why you feel it is any of your business.

Maybe they have requirements that the older kids didn’t meet, such as a minimum GPA requirement, or the student paying a certain percentage of the cost, etc.

My parents required me to save up enough money to cover my first year of college, and then they would cover the other three years. I saved up, my younger brother did not. They also required us to maintain a minimum 4.0 GPA in high school (we both did).

Ultimately, we both ended up getting a degree, but it was harder for him because he didn’t put in the work when he was younger. College is expensive, and my parents wanted to make sure we were engaged and would be successful before they spent that much money on it.

So no, it is not necessarily bad. Now, if they are just paying for their youngest’s college because they just randomly feel like it, I would feel a little bad for the older kids, but I don’t (and you likely don’t) know what the conditions that younger kid had to meet to have his parents pay for college (and that, theoretically, older kids didn’t meet).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So then if you couldn’t do something for one of your kids you shouldn’t do it for any? I’m not in this boat because my older kids did not go to college. But frankly, if we were so inclined, we could do much more for our youngest than we would have been able for our older kids due to having a paid off mortgage and no longer having to pay high medical bills for one of our kids and higher incomes.

Also I was in this situation sort of. My father died when I was young and my mom had to choose which kids to support because she couldn’t support all of us. I was the one she choose not to support. It must have sucked to be her and have to choose. No resentment here.

You can do whatever you want. But there will be blowback and consequences because the slighted person will feel hurt by the injustice and may respond in ways you don't like.

It's great that you hold no resentment. Many people understandably would.

Meh, your parents are not oppressing you so leave out the injustice talk. I had to pay for my [in state] college - immigrant parents, minimum wage jobs that didn't leave a dime to spare, and then my much younger brother got his paid for, because by that time our parents moved on to union jobs and had some money in the bank. Such is life, you can't equalize everything.

Do you understand how financial aid works for middle and upper middle class families? It REQUIRES the parents help. 1) A teen needs access to parents' tax returns. A**hole parents could deny a child this from the get-go. 2) If you get the tax returns, FAFSA spits out an estimated family contribution (EFC), which what your parents are expected to help cover towards college expenses annually. 3) Based on that, the child will either be told to get funding from their parents or some combo of parent funding plus loans, but the parents have to co-sign any larger parent loans. The only federal loans every American kid has access to is $5,500 per year. $5,500 a year barely covers a dorm meal plan. Middle class and upper middle class parents in 2023 telling a kid they are not contributing a dime to their college totally screws the kid.

I hope you do understand that the college calculation of "needs"/EFC is very unrealistic for most middle and upper middle class families. If your parents don't have the money the college says they should have, here you are. Lots of kids have to make tough choices even if their families are contributing something, so it's the same story.

[Anonymous]

MYOB

[Anonymous]

Op, what do you mean they were talking about it on social media? Like, they said "haha, we're paying for McKenzie but Tyler had to pay for his own education." Or... I just can't picture this or understand how you know about it.