How cruel is parents not paying for oldest children's college, yet paying for the youngest?
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Anonymous
| We have just learned this will be happening in our extended family and feel so bad for two young adult elder kids. No dramatic change in household income or net worth. The two older children were told to pay their own way or don't go, while the baby of the family is getting hers paid for, a pricey private college at that. |
Anonymous
| I can think of crueler things. |
Anonymous
| This doesn't seem to involve you at all. |
Anonymous
| I would never forgive my parents. |
Anonymous
| It looks bad, but perhaps there is a financial change you don't know about. We haven't changed our visible habits, still live in the same tiny house and drive the same cars, but we're much wealthier than we used to be, and can afford to pay for any university for our two kids. Couldn't have done that 10 years ago. |
Anonymous
| I think there is more to the story |
Anonymous
| I don't think cruel is the right word, but it's totally destructive to all relationships and the family dynamic. It's basically a one way ticket to no contact, lonely quiet holidays and never seeing those future grandkids. |
Anonymous
| awful |
Anonymous
This. It's terribly unfair but what can you do? Nothing. |
Anonymous
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Extended family = OP isn’t privy to the details
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Anonymous
| I'm sure it reflects everything else going on in that family. But yeah, it's horrible, and I'd never forget it and would consider it confirmation of cruelty and lack of fairness and the fact that I didn't have decent parents. |
Anonymous
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I don’t think it’s cruel, although in most families, this might reflect a change in income or financial stability. You also may not know the whole story. Perhaps the older kids will get help with buying houses, or something equally significant.
In my own family, major financial decisions were complicated by my parents’ divorce and by their very different values. I doubt that anyone would know that my older brother, who was not academically enthusiastic, deliberately chose a path that would hopefully make my own educational options easier. |
Anonymous
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So then if you couldn’t do something for one of your kids you shouldn’t do it for any? I’m not in this boat because my older kids did not go to college. But frankly, if we were so inclined, we could do much more for our youngest than we would have been able for our older kids due to having a paid off mortgage and no longer having to pay high medical bills for one of our kids and higher incomes.
Also I was in this situation sort of. My father died when I was young and my mom had to choose which kids to support because she couldn’t support all of us. I was the one she choose not to support. It must have sucked to be her and have to choose. No resentment here. |
Anonymous
You can do whatever you want. But there will be blowback and consequences because the slighted person will feel hurt by the injustice and may respond in ways you don't like. It's great that you hold no resentment. Many people understandably would. |
Anonymous
| This happened the opposite way and I thought it was weird. The oldest girl got her college paid for and then they didn't pay for college for any of the boys and went on vacations instead. I thought it was really weird. But then I found out the one boy went for a semester and flunked out and the other boy was a terrible student and could only handle community college. So I don't know. Some people have weird thoughts about what to pay for each gender. Many women didn't get their college paid for because mom and dad didn't want them to attend. Maybe they want her to get her Mrs. degree. |