Do you make plans with your MIL or does your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just stop making plans. I told DH I'm responsible for plans with my side, he is responsible for his. Simple. His family blames me for him not making plans and ai look at him (in front of them) and say if Bob wanted to do that he would have arranged it - clearly he didn't want to.

This is dumb because logistically it is much better for one person to be the point person for all inter and intra family logistical planning. This avoids the two of you accidentally scheduling conflicting events. If you want him to be in charge of his family then what happens when he schedules thanksgiving and Christmas at his parents house and you scheduled one or both at your parents? Will you defer to his planning? Of course not you will over rule it and say he is a misogynist relic of the patriarchy.

The fact that it's not 50/50 as you were told it should be in feminism 101 just means that the people who come up with that stuff aren't actually responsible for making anything important happen.

this is dumb actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I leave it entirely up to DH.

So before you came in the picture, he literally never saw his mother? They didn’t visit or speak? Wow, good thing you came along to save the day. Oh wait…THEY DID. Maybe not as often as you think they “should,” but they are two grown adults who can manage their own relationship, OP.

Precisely. This kind of op is not about scheduling because that is simple. It is all about very controlling neurotic women who don't like their in laws very much and don't like their husbands very much. They want to force their husbands to schedule things with the in laws but it has to be according to the imaginary set of rules that the wives unilaterally decide on. This neurotic approach creates more work and more potential for scheduling conflicts than just doing all the scheduling themselves. Look at the nutty posts from these belligerent harpies.

what is up with this PP? Is this for real?😳

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married for 11 years and I’m the one to make all the plans with my MIL: when she wants to come visit, when we go there, etc. She’s 2 hours away and we see her every few months.

But I’m ready to pass the torch to my husband…but I worry we’ll never see her again. She won’t suggest an idea to meet…it’s usually me making the plans. Husband literally along for the ride.

I’m just ready to pass with on…get it out of my headspace. But then will my headspace be filled with “why isn’t he arranging a meet up?”

we each coordinate with respective parents and siblings, then coordinate with each other. It always works out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan all trips to see my in-laws. They're a plane ride away and if DH were in charge he'd book a connecting flight just to go to Florida and a rental car miles from the airport. It's better if I do it.

Sorry you married an idiot. That must be tough. Hope you’re not raising your boys to be willfully incompetent.

exactly this. We don’t need more incapable men who speak loudly in this world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just stop making plans. I told DH I'm responsible for plans with my side, he is responsible for his. Simple. His family blames me for him not making plans and ai look at him (in front of them) and say if Bob wanted to do that he would have arranged it - clearly he didn't want to.

Same here except they never said anything about it in front of me, just bad mouthed me behind my back or pressured DH to get me to do it. I could always tell when they did it because he'd come home and suggest I reach out to MIL/SIL about a holiday/birthday/event/etc. I'd ask, 'why'? He'd respond along the lines of, 'you know, get the details and stuff'. I'd ask him if something was going on that he couldn't do it and he'd just say "No.....".

It was really frustrating for me because he struggled to push back against his family's expectations of me. The women in his family, especially, had firm ideas of the role of women marrying into their family. It wasn't a role I was interested in and DH was uncomfortable communicating that. I know we missed a number of 'family' events because they didn't communicate the plans to him. They, eventually, realized that it wasn't the punishment they thought it was and started to communicate with him directly. Manipulative asshats.

LOL. Agree. Sons really need to step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband. There have been times he hasn't cleared plans with me, which has meant either me re-arranging my unimportant plans at the last minute, or me forcing him to call his mother back because we did actually have prior commitments. So generally, he loops me in during the planning stage, so I can check my calendar.

But he doesn't have to clear plans with you. He is in charge of scheduling with his family and he scheduled it. You have to defer to his plans. If you don't defer to his plans that means you ARE in charge of scheduling events which include his family. So what is the point of him being involved at all? There is no point it is counter productive. You read something in a college feminist book or Ms. Magazine and just swallowed it with non critical thinking because actually thinking about things is not allowed.

Are you stupid? When I make plans with my parents, I double-check with my husband too, in case he wanted to do something at that time. It goes both ways. This has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with household operations.

Go to bed. Maybe your IQ will increase into the double digits for a short while.

If it has to do with household operations and not bankrupt feminist politics, one person alone would be in charge of scheduling. Then you won't have conflicts. Your abusive insults prove the point. You're a nasty piece.of.work.

we have an earth scorcher here.

[Anonymous]

They have pretty poor communication both ways but my spouse makes the plans with his parents to visit or vice versa.

They are all very check the box and perfunctory so the visits are lots of sitting around, cooking and eating. Nothing much is actually said. The last week stay they never asked how kids were doing, school, me, my parents, my job, nothing.

After 15 years of their silent dinners, silent car rides, silent sitting there - they blast the tv now- I no longer ask them questions either. It is too exhausting to be the only one socialing with a wall.

[Anonymous]

You have to let go of this part: "I fear we'll never see her again". Decide how often you'd like to see her if your DH does nothing. Twice a year? Once a month? Then continue to make that happen. If she wants more, you direct her to her son. "Oh ask Brad about that weekend, I'll be out of town" or "get with Brad to nail down your next visit" etc. Be polite and firm.

[Anonymous]

This Op sounds so fake.

Dont you have enough stuff to worry about than to fret about playing secretary for your husband his mom’s visits.

Just stop it. Get busy with other stuff. He’s not an idiot, he can just put a standing lunch mtg with her once a month. Bfd.

Do they actually even interact? Lots of men do not. Then pat themselves on the back about it behalf a good son or elderly parent they are they “saw” each other. Yet had no real connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They have pretty poor communication both ways but my spouse makes the plans with his parents to visit or vice versa.

They are all very check the box and perfunctory so the visits are lots of sitting around, cooking and eating. Nothing much is actually said. The last week stay they never asked how kids were doing, school, me, my parents, my job, nothing.

After 15 years of their silent dinners, silent car rides, silent sitting there - they blast the tv now- I no longer ask them questions either. It is too exhausting to be the only one socialing with a wall.

This. DH’s parents are actually on the younger side, but rarely leave the house and have a flat affect. No hobbies, interests, absolutely no travel, no socializing, no church, no reading, no cooking. I used to try so hard to engage and chit chat…years later, I just don’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband. There have been times he hasn't cleared plans with me, which has meant either me re-arranging my unimportant plans at the last minute, or me forcing him to call his mother back because we did actually have prior commitments. So generally, he loops me in during the planning stage, so I can check my calendar.

But he doesn't have to clear plans with you. He is in charge of scheduling with his family and he scheduled it. You have to defer to his plans. If you don't defer to his plans that means you ARE in charge of scheduling events which include his family. So what is the point of him being involved at all? There is no point it is counter productive. You read something in a college feminist book or Ms. Magazine and just swallowed it with non critical thinking because actually thinking about things is not allowed.

Are you stupid? When I make plans with my parents, I double-check with my husband too, in case he wanted to do something at that time. It goes both ways. This has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with household operations.

Go to bed. Maybe your IQ will increase into the double digits for a short while.

If it has to do with household operations and not bankrupt feminist politics, one person alone would be in charge of scheduling. Then you won't have conflicts. Your abusive insults prove the point. You're a nasty piece.of.work.

We have a shared calendar. Both are responsible for inputting information. We check the calendar before contacting our families.

[Anonymous]

I think I answered a while back, but I don't understand why one person "needs" to be the contact person.

If DH is talking to his mom and she proposes something, he will say "let me double check with DW and get back to you." Then he will text or call me and ask if Xdate is free, mom wants to do something. Then we agree, or find an alternative date. We generally have an idea of schedules, but there are always those small random things that pop up. I guess it's one extra step (confirming with spouse), but it's never been an issue in our 18+ yrs together.

[Anonymous]

Nope.
Neither does my husband.
She has other adult children that keep her busy, disappointed and exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I plan all trips to see my in-laws. They're a plane ride away and if DH were in charge he'd book a connecting flight just to go to Florida and a rental car miles from the airport. It's better if I do it.

Sorry you married an idiot. That must be tough. Hope you’re not raising your boys to be willfully incompetent.

exactly this. We don’t need more incapable men who speak loudly in this world.

Have you ever heard of specialization? Men and women are not the same, no matter how much you want to believe this. The economy is better off with women working full time, but society, families and friendships are not.