Do you make plans with your MIL or does your husband?

[Anonymous]

I recently quit managing MIL's visits because of her complete disrespect for boundaries. Now DH checks in with her once a week, and we discuss timing of her visits beforehand. OP, your husband may surprise you and talk to his mother more. Assume your MIL may take it as a snub and treat you differently afterwards. I wouldn't have minded continuing to be the main point of contact if she had respected the boundaries I attempted to establish. Instead, her attitude was my son, my grandkids, I can do whatever I want in you house, stay as long and whenever I want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Technically my husband arranges visits. But really they are only arranged after I nag him and message MIL about visiting. We would never see them again if I didn’t get involved, and I don’t want that for my kids. ILs have other local children and grandchildren that they spend time with, so they don’t necessarily care that much about seeing DH.

Right. Exactly. The first reasonably honest post on this thread from a woman who claims she wants her husband to handle things with his side of the family.

Neurotic controlling women who want feminist bragging points so they can they forced equality on who makes the family arrangements. Except it's not equal since you retain the naggers veto.

PP but I'll respond to this. I used to nag DH to get involved with planning and he didn't, and the visits and communication with his parents suffered, and they bellyached and were passive aggressive, so I nagged DH more and we would bicker. It affected our relationship. So I realized I didn't actually care if we saw them less and spoke to them less, and if a relationship with them was important to DH, then HE could manage it. More importantly, I didn't want to fight with DH regularly about this. He agreed that something had to change. We decided that we would each deal with our own families. It was rough and DH's parents tried for a while to force the issue back to the way it was. Nope, it is now 1,000% better for our family.

[Anonymous]

I mostly did but at some point she got dementia (lived with us for a year as me as the primary caretaker) and then a nursing home. I was always the primary, he was the back up. I bought all the gifts, then later all her clothing, shoes and everything else she needed. I don't get this I will not deal with his mom mentality. I'd prefer to deal with my MIL than my mom. Sadly, she passed away years ago.

[Anonymous]

15 years I did she hated me.

Handed it to darling husband after she demanded our kids who had the flu and she wanted them to thank her for photos of her new dog,

Took a month she’s been out of our lives for over 30 years . I have no regrets DH is an adult and it’s his mother

I never say an unkind word about her to my children or him and twice a year I suggest he call his mother. He hasn’t

[Anonymous]

Both, but we live far away, so it is different. She generally contacts us both, and I make sure he is (we are) responsive to things, and also chime in on my own because I genuinely think my MIL is pretty great. I encourage contact, tell him to call, ask him if he did the thank you notes that his family (but not mine) expects. But I don't actually step in and do it for him.

Except sometimes for my MIL, because she is wonderful and we have our own relationtioosip.

I have him handle some things, even though they are not how I would handle. Christmas gifts are almost embarrassing to give, but I just cannot step in and take this on. I'm not much better than him in this area, the only reason I am "better" is because I've been more socialized to feel guilty for not finding material gift-giving important, despite loving my family quite a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently quit managing MIL's visits because of her complete disrespect for boundaries. Now DH checks in with her once a week, and we discuss timing of her visits beforehand. OP, your husband may surprise you and talk to his mother more. Assume your MIL may take it as a snub and treat you differently afterwards. I wouldn't have minded continuing to be the main point of contact if she had respected the boundaries I attempted to establish. Instead, her attitude was my son, my grandkids, I can do whatever I want in you house, stay as long and whenever I want.

Did your MIL ever give a tour of your entire house to distant relatives, in person, even the closed doors, while you stepped out pf your house for an hour? Did you come home to find everyone in your master bathroom? Asking for a friend. Yup.

[Anonymous]

Face the reality, women fight and they do not get along. Let DH make plans with his own mother. Sounds like a perfect plan.

[Anonymous]

So glad I don’t have a son.

[Anonymous]

I don’t make plans with my MIL. But she is a 6 hour flight away, so we rarely see her in person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently quit managing MIL's visits because of her complete disrespect for boundaries. Now DH checks in with her once a week, and we discuss timing of her visits beforehand. OP, your husband may surprise you and talk to his mother more. Assume your MIL may take it as a snub and treat you differently afterwards. I wouldn't have minded continuing to be the main point of contact if she had respected the boundaries I attempted to establish. Instead, her attitude was my son, my grandkids, I can do whatever I want in you house, stay as long and whenever I want.

Did your MIL ever give a tour of your entire house to distant relatives, in person, even the closed doors, while you stepped out pf your house for an hour? Did you come home to find everyone in your master bathroom? Asking for a friend. Yup.

When my BIL was visiting he invited people over to our house without asking. I woke up and walked downstairs one morning to find strangers in my living room.

[Anonymous]

My DH does. And there is always some kind of drama over the plans they make. I sit back and watch…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Face the reality, women fight and they do not get along. Let DH make plans with his own mother. Sounds like a perfect plan.

In my experience it’s the opposite. It’s my DH and my MIL who argue. I’m happy to get along and make nice, have pleasant conversation.

[Anonymous]

I would never feel responsible for managing DHs relationship with his mom/parents.
We are each the main contact for our family. I could probably count in two hands the number of direct calls/texts/emails from MIL/FIL over the years. No need to go through an extra person to make plans imo. I’m also not planning his boys nights/poker games/conference calls.

I’m really confused about the poster (troll?) who keeps bringing up feminism and treating your husband like a child?

[Anonymous]

I do my family stuff and she does hers. Obviously we coordinate with each other before putting a visit on the calendar.

[Anonymous]

I think you are probably less annoyed about the actual issue - not seeing your MIL - and more annoyed about him not taking initiative. I get it, I deal with that too.