Do you make plans with your MIL or does your husband?

[Anonymous]

We’ve been married for 11 years and I’m the one to make all the plans with my MIL: when she wants to come visit, when we go there, etc. She’s 2 hours away and we see her every few months.

But I’m ready to pass the torch to my husband…but I worry we’ll never see her again. She won’t suggest an idea to meet…it’s usually me making the plans. Husband literally along for the ride.

I’m just ready to pass with on…get it out of my headspace. But then will my headspace be filled with “why isn’t he arranging a meet up?”

[Anonymous]

He does it. I never think twice about it. HE goes to see her and takes kids or doesn't. I saw her last Thanksgiving which I didn't think about until you posted this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve been married for 11 years and I’m the one to make all the plans with my MIL: when she wants to come visit, when we go there, etc. She’s 2 hours away and we see her every few months.

But I’m ready to pass the torch to my husband…but I worry we’ll never see her again. She won’t suggest an idea to meet…it’s usually me making the plans. Husband literally along for the ride.

I’m just ready to pass with on…get it out of my headspace. But then will my headspace be filled with “why isn’t he arranging a meet up?”

So what you are saying is you want to designate your husband as your appointments secretary for the couple of times a year you contact his mom to schedule visits which probably consumes 30 seconds of your time. Visits which apparently no one but you care too much about.

Sounds like you are doing a fine job the way things are. If you don't want to do it anymore, stop.

But what you can't do is stop doing it and order your husband to start.doing it. If he wants to, that's up to him. If he doesn't want to, also up to him.

[Anonymous]

He manages it. She’s mentally unwell. In the past she was unsafe to be around and while things are better now it’s difficult.

His entire family has a lot of trauma and are difficult to connect with.

In the past I’ve had good relationships with significant others family. I wish things were more stable, would love to have a warmer relationship.

[Anonymous]

Sadly she has passed away but we both made plans with her. She was truly a second mom and I miss our long walks where I learned more about my husband than I could on my own. If you like your MIL and your husband is not a planner, do it on your own.

[Anonymous]

Just stop making plans. I told DH I'm responsible for plans with my side, he is responsible for his. Simple. His family blames me for him not making plans and ai look at him (in front of them) and say if Bob wanted to do that he would have arranged it - clearly he didn't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just stop making plans. I told DH I'm responsible for plans with my side, he is responsible for his. Simple. His family blames me for him not making plans and ai look at him (in front of them) and say if Bob wanted to do that he would have arranged it - clearly he didn't want to.

+1. DH always managed and organized any visits with his side. I did the same for mine. None are local and our kids are older. He can arrange a trip to take our kids to see his side if he wants. I don’t expect him to make travel arrangements for me to see my parents. Why would I do that for him? It’s been that way for 25 years.

[Anonymous]

My husband. There have been times he hasn't cleared plans with me, which has meant either me re-arranging my unimportant plans at the last minute, or me forcing him to call his mother back because we did actually have prior commitments. So generally, he loops me in during the planning stage, so I can check my calendar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just stop making plans. I told DH I'm responsible for plans with my side, he is responsible for his. Simple. His family blames me for him not making plans and ai look at him (in front of them) and say if Bob wanted to do that he would have arranged it - clearly he didn't want to.

This is dumb because logistically it is much better for one person to be the point person for all inter and intra family logistical planning. This avoids the two of you accidentally scheduling conflicting events. If you want him to be in charge of his family then what happens when he schedules thanksgiving and Christmas at his parents house and you scheduled one or both at your parents? Will you defer to his planning? Of course not you will over rule it and say he is a misogynist relic of the patriarchy.

The fact that it's not 50/50 as you were told it should be in feminism 101 just means that the people who come up with that stuff aren't actually responsible for making anything important happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband. There have been times he hasn't cleared plans with me, which has meant either me re-arranging my unimportant plans at the last minute, or me forcing him to call his mother back because we did actually have prior commitments. So generally, he loops me in during the planning stage, so I can check my calendar.

But he doesn't have to clear plans with you. He is in charge of scheduling with his family and he scheduled it. You have to defer to his plans. If you don't defer to his plans that means you ARE in charge of scheduling events which include his family. So what is the point of him being involved at all? There is no point it is counter productive. You read something in a college feminist book or Ms. Magazine and just swallowed it with non critical thinking because actually thinking about things is not allowed.

[Anonymous]

He almost always handles it. Like, 19 out of 20 times.

[Anonymous]

How could you force him to call his mother back to reschedule? That means he is NOT in charge of scheduling events with his family--you are.

He should have divorced you when you insisted he schedule events with his family and then when he did, you forced him to change the schedule. You don't sound well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband. There have been times he hasn't cleared plans with me, which has meant either me re-arranging my unimportant plans at the last minute, or me forcing him to call his mother back because we did actually have prior commitments. So generally, he loops me in during the planning stage, so I can check my calendar.

But he doesn't have to clear plans with you. He is in charge of scheduling with his family and he scheduled it. You have to defer to his plans. If you don't defer to his plans that means you ARE in charge of scheduling events which include his family. So what is the point of him being involved at all? There is no point it is counter productive. You read something in a college feminist book or Ms. Magazine and just swallowed it with non critical thinking because actually thinking about things is not allowed.

Are you stupid? When I make plans with my parents, I double-check with my husband too, in case he wanted to do something at that time. It goes both ways. This has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with household operations.

Go to bed. Maybe your IQ will increase into the double digits for a short while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He almost always handles it. Like, 19 out of 20 times.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just stop making plans. I told DH I'm responsible for plans with my side, he is responsible for his. Simple. His family blames me for him not making plans and ai look at him (in front of them) and say if Bob wanted to do that he would have arranged it - clearly he didn't want to.

This is dumb because logistically it is much better for one person to be the point person for all inter and intra family logistical planning. This avoids the two of you accidentally scheduling conflicting events. If you want him to be in charge of his family then what happens when he schedules thanksgiving and Christmas at his parents house and you scheduled one or both at your parents? Will you defer to his planning? Of course not you will over rule it and say he is a misogynist relic of the patriarchy.

The fact that it's not 50/50 as you were told it should be in feminism 101 just means that the people who come up with that stuff aren't actually responsible for making anything important happen.

I see we have a troll on this thread.