Do you make plans with your MIL or does your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just stop making plans. I told DH I'm responsible for plans with my side, he is responsible for his. Simple. His family blames me for him not making plans and ai look at him (in front of them) and say if Bob wanted to do that he would have arranged it - clearly he didn't want to.

This is dumb because logistically it is much better for one person to be the point person for all inter and intra family logistical planning. This avoids the two of you accidentally scheduling conflicting events. If you want him to be in charge of his family then what happens when he schedules thanksgiving and Christmas at his parents house and you scheduled one or both at your parents? Will you defer to his planning? Of course not you will over rule it and say he is a misogynist relic of the patriarchy.

The fact that it's not 50/50 as you were told it should be in feminism 101 just means that the people who come up with that stuff aren't actually responsible for making anything important happen.

I see we have a troll on this thread.

You mean you.? Sock puppeting in quick succession, “arguing” with yourself like you’re schizo.

[Anonymous]

Such a pointless question. Every family dynamic is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just stop making plans. I told DH I'm responsible for plans with my side, he is responsible for his. Simple. His family blames me for him not making plans and ai look at him (in front of them) and say if Bob wanted to do that he would have arranged it - clearly he didn't want to.

This is dumb because logistically it is much better for one person to be the point person for all inter and intra family logistical planning. This avoids the two of you accidentally scheduling conflicting events. If you want him to be in charge of his family then what happens when he schedules thanksgiving and Christmas at his parents house and you scheduled one or both at your parents? Will you defer to his planning? Of course not you will over rule it and say he is a misogynist relic of the patriarchy.

The fact that it's not 50/50 as you were told it should be in feminism 101 just means that the people who come up with that stuff aren't actually responsible for making anything important happen.

What are you rambling about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I leave it entirely up to DH.

So before you came in the picture, he literally never saw his mother? They didn’t visit or speak? Wow, good thing you came along to save the day. Oh wait…THEY DID. Maybe not as often as you think they “should,” but they are two grown adults who can manage their own relationship, OP.

Precisely. This kind of op is not about scheduling because that is simple. It is all about very controlling neurotic women who don't like their in laws very much and don't like their husbands very much. They want to force their husbands to schedule things with the in laws but it has to be according to the imaginary set of rules that the wives unilaterally decide on. This neurotic approach creates more work and more potential for scheduling conflicts than just doing all the scheduling themselves. Look at the nutty posts from these belligerent harpies.

No, not “precisely.” You’re advocating for the wife to do it and I say leave it up to DH. If he managed a relationship with MIL before you he can manage it now.

[Anonymous]

I used to but she never thought what I was doing was enough. She would complain about it to me all the time and complained our son that I was keeping us from them..... Which I totally was not and actually enjoyed visiting until she became crazy.
So I said okay. You can start setting everything up with your son..... Let me tell you we visit her less than half of what we used to now.

[Anonymous]

Technically my husband arranges visits. But really they are only arranged after I nag him and message MIL about visiting. We would never see them again if I didn’t get involved, and I don’t want that for my kids. ILs have other local children and grandchildren that they spend time with, so they don’t necessarily care that much about seeing DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He almost always handles it. Like, 19 out of 20 times.

Why?

Why not?

[Anonymous]

Around 5 years ago I stopped managing DH's family. I do feel like we see them less but I don't regret letting DH take the lead. Every once in a while he complains we don't see them enough. I say, okay lets put some dates on the calendar but it doesn't happen. If he really wanted it to happen it would.

[Anonymous]

I used to do it but (belatedly) learned it was a bad idea for me to be the main contact. Also my BIL (DH’s brother) is fantastic at planning so I just followed my SIL’s lead and bowed out.

[Anonymous]

I have never managed plans with my husband’s family. He does just fine and sees them often — we are an hour apart. He communicates well with me too so we don’t have conflicting events.

Two recent conversations:

he says “hey mom wants to meet for a group birthday lunch, does November X work?” I say yes and it goes on the calendar.

I say “hey, I can host TG but I’m fine if your mom wants to do so. Can you talk to her and let me know?” He will let me know.

This isn’t hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just stop making plans. I told DH I'm responsible for plans with my side, he is responsible for his. Simple. His family blames me for him not making plans and ai look at him (in front of them) and say if Bob wanted to do that he would have arranged it - clearly he didn't want to.

Same here except they never said anything about it in front of me, just bad mouthed me behind my back or pressured DH to get me to do it. I could always tell when they did it because he'd come home and suggest I reach out to MIL/SIL about a holiday/birthday/event/etc. I'd ask, 'why'? He'd respond along the lines of, 'you know, get the details and stuff'. I'd ask him if something was going on that he couldn't do it and he'd just say "No.....".

It was really frustrating for me because he struggled to push back against his family's expectations of me. The women in his family, especially, had firm ideas of the role of women marrying into their family. It wasn't a role I was interested in and DH was uncomfortable communicating that. I know we missed a number of 'family' events because they didn't communicate the plans to him. They, eventually, realized that it wasn't the punishment they thought it was and started to communicate with him directly. Manipulative asshats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He does it. I never think twice about it. HE goes to see her and takes kids or doesn't. I saw her last Thanksgiving which I didn't think about until you posted this.

Same, but DH doesn't really like his mother, unfortunately. He does what he is asked because it is expected of him, and he wants to do the right thing, but I have to prompt him to call her for her birthday, for example.

This is really tough for me to watch, because my dad was close to his family, especially his mom, and there was tremendous mutual respect throughout. I guess that is the difference. We saw my grandparents, each side, willingly, each weekend. I treasure those memories because we didn't have much, but we had mutual respect, love, we had fun (truly) and we enjoyed each others company.

[Anonymous]

My husband makes all plans with his family and cleans, preps for their visits, and entertains them when they are here.

If it was up to me, we’d see them less. I love them, but I hate making plans and coordinating expectations. I am from a very different family dynamic and it’s better my husband communicates with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I leave it entirely up to DH.

So before you came in the picture, he literally never saw his mother? They didn’t visit or speak? Wow, good thing you came along to save the day. Oh wait…THEY DID. Maybe not as often as you think they “should,” but they are two grown adults who can manage their own relationship, OP.

Precisely. This kind of op is not about scheduling because that is simple. It is all about very controlling neurotic women who don't like their in laws very much and don't like their husbands very much. They want to force their husbands to schedule things with the in laws but it has to be according to the imaginary set of rules that the wives unilaterally decide on. This neurotic approach creates more work and more potential for scheduling conflicts than just doing all the scheduling themselves. Look at the nutty posts from these belligerent harpies.

No, not “precisely.” You’re advocating for the wife to do it and I say leave it up to DH. If he managed a relationship with MIL before you he can manage it now.

No, I was not arguing for the wife to do it.

I was saying it's up to her whether she does it or not. If she chooses not to do it, that doesn't mean she should have any expectation that her husband will do it. That's up to him.

OP didn't say she would stop doing it. She said she wants to torch to her husband. In other words, try to make him do it, and do it her way, or else she will be angry and resentful.

She never had to start making arrangements with the in laws in the first place. That was her choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Technically my husband arranges visits. But really they are only arranged after I nag him and message MIL about visiting. We would never see them again if I didn’t get involved, and I don’t want that for my kids. ILs have other local children and grandchildren that they spend time with, so they don’t necessarily care that much about seeing DH.

Right. Exactly. The first reasonably honest post on this thread from a woman who claims she wants her husband to handle things with his side of the family.

Neurotic controlling women who want feminist bragging points so they can they forced equality on who makes the family arrangements. Except it's not equal since you retain the naggers veto.