Do you feel marital money is truly equal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not be excited about my salary going to my inlaws. Not that I would discount the idea of helping them if necessary, but within limits.

+1
There is nearly a 0% chance I want to spend money on my ILs care. I suggest to liquidate all their assets and use their assets to pay for their care. Same for my parents.

Plus, what kind of selfish person doesn't plan their own retirement/ care and thinks their own children are a retirement plan So strange to me. The kids should absolutely oversee the care and quality. But pay for? No way!

Pretty much everyone in some cultures.

DP. I always see these references and they just seem inaccurate. For one, I have a lot of East Asian friends and what I see is that their parents will scrimp and save to help them get through school with no loans and when they have kids will at a minimum take care of the baby full time for the first 100 days and frequently up until school age. So the cultural expectation isn’t just that the elderly parents get all their expenses paid for in old age. In contrast, my
White in-laws could give a rats ass about their parents other than to collect an inheritance (never called, didn’t attend their funerals), did not pay for DH’s college, have never watched our children or even know their birthdays, and now it’s “well in some cultures everyone takes care of their elders.”

The cultures where kids take care of their parents are also cultures where parents sacrifice everything to put their kids in a better position than they were. And is one of the reasons such cultures preferred boys. And it works, until it doesn’t because someone doesn’t want to meet these expectations, or marries someone who doesn’t have these expectations, or grows up in a Western culture, where they don’t see how their parents take care of their grandparents, so aren’t raised fully immersed in that culture.

Well if that was OP’s parents plan, they should have encouraged HER to get the good job. Not to marry rich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not be excited about my salary going to my inlaws. Not that I would discount the idea of helping them if necessary, but within limits.

+1
There is nearly a 0% chance I want to spend money on my ILs care. I suggest to liquidate all their assets and use their assets to pay for their care. Same for my parents.

Plus, what kind of selfish person doesn't plan their own retirement/ care and thinks their own children are a retirement plan So strange to me. The kids should absolutely oversee the care and quality. But pay for? No way!

Pretty much everyone in some cultures.

DP. I always see these references and they just seem inaccurate. For one, I have a lot of East Asian friends and what I see is that their parents will scrimp and save to help them get through school with no loans and when they have kids will at a minimum take care of the baby full time for the first 100 days and frequently up until school age. So the cultural expectation isn’t just that the elderly parents get all their expenses paid for in old age. In contrast, my
White in-laws could give a rats ass about their parents other than to collect an inheritance (never called, didn’t attend their funerals), did not pay for DH’s college, have never watched our children or even know their birthdays, and now it’s “well in some cultures everyone takes care of their elders.”

The cultures where kids take care of their parents are also cultures where parents sacrifice everything to put their kids in a better position than they were. And is one of the reasons such cultures preferred boys. And it works, until it doesn’t because someone doesn’t want to meet these expectations, or marries someone who doesn’t have these expectations, or grows up in a Western culture, where they don’t see how their parents take care of their grandparents, so aren’t raised fully immersed in that culture.

That is right. My in-laws, corn-fed Americans, earned a good income but lived very high on the hog. Like grasshoppers, they lived for the day with no thought for saving for the future. He assumed he would just keep working. Bad assumption. Sometimes you get so bad at your job that it is illegal to keep working.
I won’t let them go hungry, but I am not going to spend a substantial amount of our income keeping them in nice private nursing care. It would cost 4 times our mortgage!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM and DH earns a very high income. When it comes to everyday spending on food, house, kids and family activities, his money is my money and everything is equal. Then our savings, brokerage, retirement accounts are way off. DH has way more, maybe 10x what I have. Where I really feel it is not my money is I have to ask and negotiate with DH for anything for my elderly parents in poor health. My dad needs a full time aid or nurse or get put into a nursing home. I understand these are high costs and DH does not want to pay these. His parents are younger and still in good health. I don’t like the position that I am in and will likely go back to work just to pay for my parents care.

I didn’t read all the responses but I would say that if both you and your DH both worked and contributed equal financial contributions to savings, retirements etc. it still could be a negotiation for any big ticket items including this. There can also be inter sibling negotiation about helping parents because it can feel unfair for one person to shoulder both time and money.

So really there are a few ways to negotiate- there could be an effort to also do something for his family as well, like with their agreement, purchase long-term care insurance for them while they are healthy as a way of helping both sets of parents. You could also negotiate as I’m going back to work to earn extra money for parents, means he will have to pick up the slack with xyz. Can the household afford to cover it without you going back to work or is it more worth it for him for you to go back to work? From your perspective, if you had to work extra hours to afford to cover the cost, would you still pick the same options or would you be looking into cheaper options (in terms of location of nursing home, what Medicare will cover, if siblings will contribute)etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not be excited about my salary going to my inlaws. Not that I would discount the idea of helping them if necessary, but within limits.

+1
There is nearly a 0% chance I want to spend money on my ILs care. I suggest to liquidate all their assets and use their assets to pay for their care. Same for my parents.

Plus, what kind of selfish person doesn't plan their own retirement/ care and thinks their own children are a retirement plan So strange to me. The kids should absolutely oversee the care and quality. But pay for? No way!

Pretty much everyone in some cultures.

DP. I always see these references and they just seem inaccurate. For one, I have a lot of East Asian friends and what I see is that their parents will scrimp and save to help them get through school with no loans and when they have kids will at a minimum take care of the baby full time for the first 100 days and frequently up until school age. So the cultural expectation isn’t just that the elderly parents get all their expenses paid for in old age. In contrast, my
White in-laws could give a rats ass about their parents other than to collect an inheritance (never called, didn’t attend their funerals), did not pay for DH’s college, have never watched our children or even know their birthdays, and now it’s “well in some cultures everyone takes care of their elders.”

The cultures where kids take care of their parents are also cultures where parents sacrifice everything to put their kids in a better position than they were. And is one of the reasons such cultures preferred boys. And it works, until it doesn’t because someone doesn’t want to meet these expectations, or marries someone who doesn’t have these expectations, or grows up in a Western culture, where they don’t see how their parents take care of their grandparents, so aren’t raised fully immersed in that culture.

Well if that was OP’s parents plan, they should have encouraged HER to get the good job. Not to marry rich.

Poster you’re quoting here

I agree! I also think that’s why you don’t find many East Asian parents encouraging their daughters to be SAHMs - even if the mom was. There are exceptions of course, but immigrant parents tend to be pretty pragmatic about their children being financially independent.

[Anonymous]

Wow, this thread has convinced me to never be a SAHM. And to tell my daughters to avoid being SAHMs as well.

Imagine having a spouse who earns 7 figures a year, with a family net worth of possibly 8 figures. Only to be trekking to your $20 an hour job to pay for your parents' nursing home bills in the cheapest and most run-down institution.
We all know nursing homes are rife with neglect and abuse. It's fine as a last resort. But I don't know how people can feel comfortable living in luxury knowing their elderly parents are suffering due to a lack of financial resources. (Unless there's a family rift.)

OP basically would have more money at her disposal if she were to get a divorce than right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine not helping parents or ILs out, if needed.

I can’t stand my in-laws, but they mean a lot to DH so I’d absolutely help them out. For DH, not for them.

[Anonymous]

Op here is a novel idea. Instead of making your dh work longer into retirement to pay for your parents to have an aide while you continue to not work, why don’t you go and be the aide for your parents? You don’t work, so you presumably have plenty of time. Not seeing what’s stopping you here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here is a novel idea. Instead of making your dh work longer into retirement to pay for your parents to have an aide while you continue to not work, why don’t you go and be the aide for your parents? You don’t work, so you presumably have plenty of time. Not seeing what’s stopping you here.

I’m guessing that she’s not looking to leave her husband or move her kids away from their dad. She is just frustrated.

[Anonymous]

This is why planning to save for retirement early on is an important lesson to our kids. Not that this will help OP. I always tell my DD, I don’t us to be a burden later in your life.

[Anonymous]

My husband wouldn't have an issue but I wouldn't want my parents to depend on him. Not fair to him and not fair to them. They provided me so its my duty to earn and provide for them.

[Anonymous]

Mine provided for his parents for last 30 years and still does.

[Anonymous]

Yup. We don't expect our kids to take care of us as they are americanized but we have Asian values so we supported our parents and support our kids.

We paid of every single thing until they started work after post grad. They never had to do odd jobs or take loans, all life expenses were paid. We bought them brand new first cars, gave big down payments for homes and they are still on our phone and car insurance plans. We gave sizable checks for weddings.

We always lived frugally and saved for retirement but unfortunate things happen so if somehow we ever become destitute, it would be heartbreaking if they don't wholeheartedly try to help. I doubt we would accept it but sure would like to know that we can count on them.

[Anonymous]

If you want to support your parents get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my DH’s parents really needed money - even if it was due to their bad choices - I would never leave them high and dry. I would also step up to help care for them if need be. I’ve always been of the belief that families should take care of their elderly relatives and I consider my in-laws part of my family. I admire cultures that have that ethos.

+1.

My parents aren’t retired yet, but DH spends money and limited vacation time flying out to visit them 2-3 times a year.

So if you were a SAHM and your parents needed money you would get a job to support them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here is a novel idea. Instead of making your dh work longer into retirement to pay for your parents to have an aide while you continue to not work, why don’t you go and be the aide for your parents? You don’t work, so you presumably have plenty of time. Not seeing what’s stopping you here.

I’m guessing that she’s not looking to leave her husband or move her kids away from their dad. She is just frustrated.

She f do meant need to move to get a job and pay for an aide.