Do you feel marital money is truly equal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not be excited about my salary going to my inlaws. Not that I would discount the idea of helping them if necessary, but within limits.

+1
There is nearly a 0% chance I want to spend money on my ILs care. I suggest to liquidate all their assets and use their assets to pay for their care. Same for my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not be excited about my salary going to my inlaws. Not that I would discount the idea of helping them if necessary, but within limits.

+1
There is nearly a 0% chance I want to spend money on my ILs care. I suggest to liquidate all their assets and use their assets to pay for their care. Same for my parents.

What if there are no assets?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not be excited about my salary going to my inlaws. Not that I would discount the idea of helping them if necessary, but within limits.

+1
There is nearly a 0% chance I want to spend money on my ILs care. I suggest to liquidate all their assets and use their assets to pay for their care. Same for my parents.

Plus, what kind of selfish person doesn't plan their own retirement/ care and thinks their own children are a retirement plan? So strange to me. The kids should absolutely oversee the care and quality. But pay for? No way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former SAHM here. My ex vocalized several times that it was "his" money. We had two children and my budget for the kids was VERY slim. Like, I shopped thrift store clothing for them. There was no childcare so the kids were with me 24/7 if they weren't in nursery or pre-school. In the last year before the split, he gave me 3K total. I spent about 2K on taking licensing exams, passed them all (I couldn't afford to retake any).
Then I called an attorney and that was it.

Now I can finally spend holidays with my family and actually have a strategy for their elderly years.
Oh, and I earn more than he does.

No wonder he's an ex. He sounds like an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not be excited about my salary going to my inlaws. Not that I would discount the idea of helping them if necessary, but within limits.

+1
There is nearly a 0% chance I want to spend money on my ILs care. I suggest to liquidate all their assets and use their assets to pay for their care. Same for my parents.

Plus, what kind of selfish person doesn't plan their own retirement/ care and thinks their own children are a retirement plan So strange to me. The kids should absolutely oversee the care and quality. But pay for? No way!

Pretty much everyone in some cultures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not be excited about my salary going to my inlaws. Not that I would discount the idea of helping them if necessary, but within limits.

+1
There is nearly a 0% chance I want to spend money on my ILs care. I suggest to liquidate all their assets and use their assets to pay for their care. Same for my parents.

What if there are no assets?

I'd see what is available through the state and if that's not enough, I'd work out an arrangement with my siblings. If I were an only child that's when I would agree what is reasonable with my spouse. Fortunately my parents are fiscally responsible and have passed that trait to all their children, so this would not happen to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not be excited about my salary going to my inlaws. Not that I would discount the idea of helping them if necessary, but within limits.

+1
There is nearly a 0% chance I want to spend money on my ILs care. I suggest to liquidate all their assets and use their assets to pay for their care. Same for my parents.

Plus, what kind of selfish person doesn't plan their own retirement/ care and thinks their own children are a retirement plan So strange to me. The kids should absolutely oversee the care and quality. But pay for? No way!

Pretty much everyone in some cultures.

Thank God I'm not part of those and didn't marry anyone who was!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not be excited about my salary going to my inlaws. Not that I would discount the idea of helping them if necessary, but within limits.

+1
There is nearly a 0% chance I want to spend money on my ILs care. I suggest to liquidate all their assets and use their assets to pay for their care. Same for my parents.

Plus, what kind of selfish person doesn't plan their own retirement/ care and thinks their own children are a retirement plan? So strange to me. The kids should absolutely oversee the care and quality. But pay for? No way!

My parents are like that. They were terrible parents. Terrible. I am not helping them. They were not there for me. I will not be there for them.

[Anonymous]

While I do think everyone has a responsibility to plan for their own retirement both DH and I would feel deeply uncomfortable living a luxurious lifestyle while either of of mothers lived in poverty and without adequate care.

[Anonymous]

I'm also a SAHM with a high-earning husband. However, it's his parent who might need financial assistance, not mine. We often commiserate over his parent making poor decision after poor decision. At the end of the day, though, we have the money, and we wouldn't let a parent, even one who was personally irresponsible, not be cared for just to make a point or stick it to them or whatever.

I only earned income for 8 years so my retirement account is only $150k from that, but we've put money in a Roth IRA for me as well, so our accounts are about equal. And we get the same amount of fun money that can be spent on whatever, which I like. I definitely don't feel like it's his money and my money, though. When we got married I had a nice nest egg and no debt, and I out-earned him until the last year I worked. So we had the precedent where he relied more on me financially in the beginning; I think that helped lay the foundation for viewing things as joint.

OP, you said you don't like having to ask and negotiate about your parents' care, but wouldn't you do that for any large expenditure? You didn't say that he says no, just that you don't like the stress of the conversation, if I'm reading it right? My advice is to focus less on what you assume his tone or attitude is (because those can be misconstrued) and focus on his actions. If he's willing to pay for the care but he's going to be grumpy about it, well that's understandable . . . it's OK to be grumpy that adults didn't prepare for their own end of life needs. But that's a different issue than him acting like it's his money instead of joint money, though to be fair you might have both problems on your hands for all we know.

[Anonymous]

We’ve shared everything for years and years and years.

Yes and No.

Even if it’s not exact, it should *feel* fair.

If there are unfair feelings, make a plan. She was $1500 something. Or he wants $400 something.

Well, first, do you have the money?

If it’s 1500.. do you have $3000 you could both split?

If you don’t have 3,000, what timeframe does it take to set that up? Do that, and then divide equally and spend.

Spend on household needs, etc… no judgement there. Even if one person does most of that.. I hate to see situations on tv shows / talk shows / financial podcasts, where spouses hold that stuff against each other.

Of our combined take home, I spend almost 100% of the spending. That’s a responsibility. If my DH didn’t like it, I’d say, fine you plan the meals, but groceries, take kids shopping for their needs, buy the party gift, go to Costco for paper towels and laundry soap. It’s a job in and of itself, and he trusts me to just handle it the best I can. I feel sad for DH/DWs that hold this stuff against each other.

[Anonymous]

This one is definitely a toughie.

I may be wrong on this, but if my DH offered to pay for my parent’s care that would be great.

However I would never expect him to just because he was married to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not be excited about my salary going to my inlaws. Not that I would discount the idea of helping them if necessary, but within limits.

+1
There is nearly a 0% chance I want to spend money on my ILs care. I suggest to liquidate all their assets and use their assets to pay for their care. Same for my parents.

Plus, what kind of selfish person doesn't plan their own retirement/ care and thinks their own children are a retirement plan? So strange to me. The kids should absolutely oversee the care and quality. But pay for? No way!

My MIL worked hard but rarely earned more than minimum wage. Many people cannot afford to save for retirement. You must be really privileged to not know how others live.

[Anonymous]

Surprise, surprise, the biggest advocates on here of husbands paying for their inlaws are all the sahms who never earned a dollar of the money. Ladies, if your parents are making minimum wage, perhaps you shouldn't stop working. Perhaps you shouldn't expect your husband to work a couple extra years in retirement (long after your kids are gone and you're going to pilates every day) so that your parents have medical care.

The easy way to have avoided this awkward discussion is simply for either the inlaws or the OP to have worked, like everyone else who doesn't have enough money saved for their own needs.

[Anonymous]

A few years ago my mother, in her early 80’s was having dinner with us and she expressed a concern about not having enough money to live another 15 years. Without a kick in the shin by me my husband told her not to worry about, we’d be there for her. I thought that was very sweet but since I manage her finances I knew she’d be ok.