Do you feel marital money is truly equal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this thread has convinced me to never be a SAHM. And to tell my daughters to avoid being SAHMs as well.

Imagine having a spouse who earns 7 figures a year, with a family net worth of possibly 8 figures. Only to be trekking to your $20 an hour job to pay for your parents' nursing home bills in the cheapest and most run-down institution.
We all know nursing homes are rife with neglect and abuse. It's fine as a last resort. But I don't know how people can feel comfortable living in luxury knowing their elderly parents are suffering due to a lack of financial resources. (Unless there's a family rift.)

OP basically would have more money at her disposal if she were to get a divorce than right now.

OP here. We do have 8 figure savings. Our kids go to private school and we easily spend $100k+ on just travel per year.

My parents were immigrants and any savings they had were wiped out when my mom got cancer. Their only asset was their house, which we eventually paid off.

DH said I can choose how to help my family. I don’t think he is happy about it but he will do what needs to be done. Our kids’ college funds are fully funded.

[Anonymous]

If they have no money they get nursing home care through long term care Medicaid but the issue is help before that happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this thread has convinced me to never be a SAHM. And to tell my daughters to avoid being SAHMs as well.

Imagine having a spouse who earns 7 figures a year, with a family net worth of possibly 8 figures. Only to be trekking to your $20 an hour job to pay for your parents' nursing home bills in the cheapest and most run-down institution.
We all know nursing homes are rife with neglect and abuse. It's fine as a last resort. But I don't know how people can feel comfortable living in luxury knowing their elderly parents are suffering due to a lack of financial resources. (Unless there's a family rift.)

OP basically would have more money at her disposal if she were to get a divorce than right now.

OP here. We do have 8 figure savings. Our kids go to private school and we easily spend $100k+ on just travel per year.

My parents were immigrants and any savings they had were wiped out when my mom got cancer. Their only asset was their house, which we eventually paid off.

DH said I can choose how to help my family. I don’t think he is happy about it but he will do what needs to be done. Our kids’ college funds are fully funded.

I would be embarrassed to have that income, savings and spending and not help especially when their savings got wiped out by cancer.

[Anonymous]

No I do not feel that he thinks about it equally (we are in a similar financial situation, though I do still make $150k / yr very part time consulting).

DH will spend $15k on something without discussing it at all and knowing I don't agree with it (his collectables). I'll spend $10k on something he doesn't agree with and he will come at me a bit for it.

I just no longer care - i've told him he's set the precedent we don't consult each other on big purchases so that's what we're both doing. if he wants to change that and make purchases over $x a discussion i'm fully on board.

so he definitely feels he has more right to spend our money than I do, but i choose to not live by that and ignore his puffing about it

[Anonymous]

Do you have a prenup? If not local law determines how much of that money is your share when you separate finances.

[Anonymous]

Befriend his coworkers and their spouses and then tell them what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this thread has convinced me to never be a SAHM. And to tell my daughters to avoid being SAHMs as well.

Imagine having a spouse who earns 7 figures a year, with a family net worth of possibly 8 figures. Only to be trekking to your $20 an hour job to pay for your parents' nursing home bills in the cheapest and most run-down institution.
We all know nursing homes are rife with neglect and abuse. It's fine as a last resort. But I don't know how people can feel comfortable living in luxury knowing their elderly parents are suffering due to a lack of financial resources. (Unless there's a family rift.)

OP basically would have more money at her disposal if she were to get a divorce than right now.

OP here. We do have 8 figure savings. Our kids go to private school and we easily spend $100k+ on just travel per year.

My parents were immigrants and any savings they had were wiped out when my mom got cancer. Their only asset was their house, which we eventually paid off.

DH said I can choose how to help my family. I don’t think he is happy about it but he will do what needs to be done. Our kids’ college funds are fully funded.

I would be embarrassed to have that income, savings and spending and not help especially when their savings got wiped out by cancer.

Agreed. Unless your parents murdered your DH’s family or something, then I think your DH is just a bad person, OP.

[Anonymous]

I make 10x DH. I wouldn’t pay for his parents elder care. If the situation was reversed, I wouldn’t expect him to. I think the reality is that the higher earning person does have a lot more control over money. They can earn more or they can earn less if they choose. It is why so many women end up destitute if they divorce even a wealthy man. If they are not good people (or good people but very angry about the breakup) they are more able to hide money

[Anonymous]

Equality doesn't mean one spouse or the other gets to unilaterally decide upon major expenditures, even if the other disagrees.

That seems the opposite of equality. Equality means you both have to agree on major expenditures.

[Anonymous]

If they live in a paid off house, try to sell the house and move them into a senior apartment with services. They can live off the house savings for a bit. In the meantime, do you have siblings that can assist? Don’t know how old or healthy your dad is, but he may need to get a part-time job to help.

Look I am all for helping parents but if I’m a SAHW and my husband is acting funky, then I’m going to tread lightly if I want my marriage to thrive. I am not going to poke he bear. Just being honest, this is the life you chose. But if I am working, then I might be more likely to do more.

Think long term and short term as to how to help your parents but keep the peace at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These replies are wild. I say go back to work and pay for your parents, OP. I imagine you’ll have to pay someone from his salary to cover what you currently do as a SAHM. Once he realizes how much not having a SAHM taking care of everything is cutting into his lifestyle, he may be more willing to pay.

I find it so cute and naive when housewives threaten to go back to work as a form of punishment to man they have been dependent on.

It is so adorable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my DH’s parents really needed money - even if it was due to their bad choices - I would never leave them high and dry. I would also step up to help care for them if need be. I’ve always been of the belief that families should take care of their elderly relatives and I consider my in-laws part of my family. I admire cultures that have that ethos.

+1.

My parents aren’t retired yet, but DH spends money and limited vacation time flying out to visit them 2-3 times a year.

So if you were a SAHM and your parents needed money you would get a job to support them?

Probably not. I work part time and DH balks when I pick up additional work, even if I still take care of all the kid stuff. The house is messy, dinner isn’t made, I’m tired, everything is a little stressful.
He would not be cool with my picking up more work and then keeping all of the money for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make 10x DH. I wouldn’t pay for his parents elder care. If the situation was reversed, I wouldn’t expect him to. I think the reality is that the higher earning person does have a lot more control over money. They can earn more or they can earn less if they choose. It is why so many women end up destitute if they divorce even a wealthy man. If they are not good people (or good people but very angry about the breakup) they are more able to hide money

You should hook up with OP’s husband! A couple of self-centered, ungrateful, parent-hating, bean-counting misers. What a pitiful life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These replies are wild. I say go back to work and pay for your parents, OP. I imagine you’ll have to pay someone from his salary to cover what you currently do as a SAHM. Once he realizes how much not having a SAHM taking care of everything is cutting into his lifestyle, he may be more willing to pay.

I find it so cute and naive when housewives threaten to go back to work as a form of punishment to man they have been dependent on.

It is so adorable.

I love it when men say this. If you died, your SAHW would get your life insurance and hardly miss a beat. Your family would probably be happier without having to compromise to your wants.
If she died, your kids would be miserable, and your life would probably completely change.

I always wonder what it’s like to feel completely expendable to your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my DH’s parents really needed money - even if it was due to their bad choices - I would never leave them high and dry. I would also step up to help care for them if need be. I’ve always been of the belief that families should take care of their elderly relatives and I consider my in-laws part of my family. I admire cultures that have that ethos.

+1.

My parents aren’t retired yet, but DH spends money and limited vacation time flying out to visit them 2-3 times a year.

So if you were a SAHM and your parents needed money you would get a job to support them?

Probably not. I work part time and DH balks when I pick up additional work, even if I still take care of all the kid stuff. The house is messy, dinner isn’t made, I’m tired, everything is a little stressful.
He would not be cool with my picking up more work and then keeping all of the money for myself.

No matter what DCUM says, most high earning men are not wishing their SAHM wives would return to work.