Do you feel marital money is truly equal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here is a novel idea. Instead of making your dh work longer into retirement to pay for your parents to have an aide while you continue to not work, why don’t you go and be the aide for your parents? You don’t work, so you presumably have plenty of time. Not seeing what’s stopping you here.

Didn’t OP say they have savings in the eight (!!!) figures? He doesn’t “need” to work at all, he’s just a cheap b@$tard.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Wow, this thread has convinced me to never be a SAHM. And to tell my daughters to avoid being SAHMs as well.

Imagine having a spouse who earns 7 figures a year, with a family net worth of possibly 8 figures. Only to be trekking to your $20 an hour job to pay for your parents' nursing home bills in the cheapest and most run-down institution.
We all know nursing homes are rife with neglect and abuse. It's fine as a last resort. But I don't know how people can feel comfortable living in luxury knowing their elderly parents are suffering due to a lack of financial resources. (Unless there's a family rift.)

OP basically would have more money at her disposal if she were to get a divorce than right now.

OP here. We do have 8 figure savings. Our kids go to private school and we easily spend $100k+ on just travel per year.

My parents were immigrants and any savings they had were wiped out when my mom got cancer. Their only asset was their house, which we eventually paid off.

DH said I can choose how to help my family. I don’t think he is happy about it but he will do what needs to be done. Our kids’ college funds are fully funded.

I would be embarrassed to have that income, savings and spending and not help especially when their savings got wiped out by cancer.

I’d be embarrassed to have that income and not be willing to go back to work to help my parents.

This doesn’t make any sense.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If my DH’s parents really needed money - even if it was due to their bad choices - I would never leave them high and dry. I would also step up to help care for them if need be. I’ve always been of the belief that families should take care of their elderly relatives and I consider my in-laws part of my family. I admire cultures that have that ethos.

+1.

My parents aren’t retired yet, but DH spends money and limited vacation time flying out to visit them 2-3 times a year.

So if you were a SAHM and your parents needed money you would get a job to support them?

Probably not. I work part time and DH balks when I pick up additional work, even if I still take care of all the kid stuff. The house is messy, dinner isn’t made, I’m tired, everything is a little stressful.
He would not be cool with my picking up more work and then keeping all of the money for myself.

So if your parents were sick and needed help financially, you would be willing to get a job keep all the money and spent all your husbands money and your parents aide? Well, no wonder men hate women.

No. This has come up for us before.

I’m saying that our money is shared.

If my parents needed help financially, and my husband didn’t want to give them any money, he wouldn’t want to give them any money no matter how many hours I work. He doesn’t consider the money he earns his money, but he doesn’t consider the money I earn my money either.

We both work together to keep the family running. If I’m working more at work, then he is working more at home.

[Anonymous]

Financial abuse is a thing.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If my DH’s parents really needed money - even if it was due to their bad choices - I would never leave them high and dry. I would also step up to help care for them if need be. I’ve always been of the belief that families should take care of their elderly relatives and I consider my in-laws part of my family. I admire cultures that have that ethos.

+1.

My parents aren’t retired yet, but DH spends money and limited vacation time flying out to visit them 2-3 times a year.

So if you were a SAHM and your parents needed money you would get a job to support them?

Probably not. I work part time and DH balks when I pick up additional work, even if I still take care of all the kid stuff. The house is messy, dinner isn’t made, I’m tired, everything is a little stressful.
He would not be cool with my picking up more work and then keeping all of the money for myself.

No matter what DCUM says, most high earning men are not wishing their SAHM wives would return to work.

You are completely wrong on your assumption. If you follow courtroom, statistics, you will see most men would stay at home. Wives never agreed to that situation, and we’re blindsided when they had children.

What statistics are these?
You are telling me that most high earning men (doctors, lawyers, CEO’s) would prefer to give up their careers to drive carpool, do laundry, and support their wives careers?

I don’t believe you. I have literally never seen this play out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHM and DH earns a very high income. When it comes to everyday spending on food, house, kids and family activities, his money is my money and everything is equal. Then our savings, brokerage, retirement accounts are way off. DH has way more, maybe 10x what I have. Where I really feel it is not my money is I have to ask and negotiate with DH for anything for my elderly parents in poor health. My dad needs a full time aid or nurse or get put into a nursing home. I understand these are high costs and DH does not want to pay these. His parents are younger and still in good health. I don’t like the position that I am in and will likely go back to work just to pay for my parents care.

I didn’t read all the responses but I would say that if both you and your DH both worked and contributed equal financial contributions to savings, retirements etc. it still could be a negotiation for any big ticket items including this. There can also be inter sibling negotiation about helping parents because it can feel unfair for one person to shoulder both time and money.

+1.
This got framed as a SAHM thing, but I don't really think it is. Even if they both contributed equally, and even if OP were the breadwinner, big things like this would need to be discussed and negotiated.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:These replies are wild. I say go back to work and pay for your parents, OP. I imagine you’ll have to pay someone from his salary to cover what you currently do as a SAHM. Once he realizes how much not having a SAHM taking care of everything is cutting into his lifestyle, he may be more willing to pay.

I find it so cute and naive when housewives threaten to go back to work as a form of punishment to man they have been dependent on.

It is so adorable.

I love it when men say this. If you died, your SAHW would get your life insurance and hardly miss a beat. Your family would probably be happier without having to compromise to your wants.
If she died, your kids would be miserable, and your life would probably completely change.

I always wonder what it’s like to feel completely expendable to your family.

Not PP but it doesn't need to change. He could pay anyone to clean his house and take care of kids. He has lots of money. Unless you think his SAH wife is irreplaceable? LOL

Come on. A nanny isn’t going to do what a mom does, unless she is a house manager as well and lives there full time.

You don’t even understand how many things stay at home moms do the kids do not give a F about. Nobody cares who cook the food or clean the house or bought doilies to make additional pretty. They really just want time to talk to somebody, connect, do things with most men do the things the children care about. Women do all the other things.

Either you didn’t have a dad with a high income and a SAHM, or your experience was very unusual.
I don’t know anyone in that situation with that kind of tight knit relationship with their dad.
I remember watching “ER” during a sleepover in high school and one of the plot lines was a child complaining to her father that he isn’t home enough, and we were all laughing at how ridiculous this girl is. “Your dad isn’t home, boo hoo, get over it. That’s life.”
No one was having regular deep conversations and connecting with their dad. Most of us couldn’t have told you for certain if our dad was home or traveling that week.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are a team, and I've stayed home with our kids (now teens). That means that we paid out of our income for my parents' aide when they needed part-time care. And it also means that when his mom broke her ankle, I stayed with her for a few weeks to take care of her.

We agreed before we married that we actually were marrying each other's families, that we would consider each other's nuclear families as if they were our own. That is what both of our own families modeled for us, so it seems completely normal to me.