Do you feel marital money is truly equal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I do think everyone has a responsibility to plan for their own retirement both DH and I would feel deeply uncomfortable living a luxurious lifestyle while either of of mothers lived in poverty and without adequate care.

Not having a private, full-time nurse is not living in poverty and without adequate care.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine not helping parents or ILs out, if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not be excited about my salary going to my inlaws. Not that I would discount the idea of helping them if necessary, but within limits.

+1
There is nearly a 0% chance I want to spend money on my ILs care. I suggest to liquidate all their assets and use their assets to pay for their care. Same for my parents.

Plus, what kind of selfish person doesn't plan their own retirement/ care and thinks their own children are a retirement plan So strange to me. The kids should absolutely oversee the care and quality. But pay for? No way!

Pretty much everyone in some cultures.

DP. I always see these references and they just seem inaccurate. For one, I have a lot of East Asian friends and what I see is that their parents will scrimp and save to help them get through school with no loans and when they have kids will at a minimum take care of the baby full time for the first 100 days and frequently up until school age. So the cultural expectation isn’t just that the elderly parents get all their expenses paid for in old age. In contrast, my
White in-laws could give a rats ass about their parents other than to collect an inheritance (never called, didn’t attend their funerals), did not pay for DH’s college, have never watched our children or even know their birthdays, and now it’s “well in some cultures everyone takes care of their elders.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my DH’s parents really needed money - even if it was due to their bad choices - I would never leave them high and dry. I would also step up to help care for them if need be. I’ve always been of the belief that families should take care of their elderly relatives and I consider my in-laws part of my family. I admire cultures that have that ethos.

Same. I took money from my inheritance so we could cover a part-time aide for my mil when she broke her arm a couple of years ago. I couldn’t imagine leaving her to manage for herself when we could cover that cost. And the woman hates me, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I do think everyone has a responsibility to plan for their own retirement both DH and I would feel deeply uncomfortable living a luxurious lifestyle while either of of mothers lived in poverty and without adequate care.

Not having a private, full-time nurse is not living in poverty and without adequate care.

I think OP said a nurse, aid, or nursing home., I don’t think she is far down this path. It sounds like she is just freaking out.

[Anonymous]

Except for retirement accounts everything is held either jointly or in trusts of equal value. If I really believed it was important to help out my parents my husband would not argue with me. I’m frugal and thoughtful and I know he appreciates it. If it was over $25,000 I’d would speak with him about it but if was only $10,000 I’d mention it after the fact.

[Anonymous]

Everything in our marriage is ours. Doesn't matter which one of us "made" that money.
His parents, my parents are gone but we take care of my sister and his brother because they have nothing and no one to catch them if they should fall and we refuse to watch that happen.
We also won't approach siblings because they know the circumstances but do nothing. That's on them and God. KWIM ?
So either you help if you can or not. We choose to help. As far as we're concerned if we can alleviate financial stress for any family we will. The nobody helped me kind of mindset does not apply in our household. Neither does selfishness. We do what we do out of love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I do think everyone has a responsibility to plan for their own retirement both DH and I would feel deeply uncomfortable living a luxurious lifestyle while either of of mothers lived in poverty and without adequate care.

Not having a private, full-time nurse is not living in poverty and without adequate care.

I think OP said a nurse, aid, or nursing home., I don’t think she is far down this path. It sounds like she is just freaking out.

Maybe. I think the thing that jumps out to me though is that rather than investigate what her parents can qualify for /afford and then meeting any shortfall the response is a tantrum about how the marital funds are not truly equal. My grandmother needed a very high level of care for over a decade because of dementia but no other health problems (made more expensive because she became aggressive as well). It was literally millions of dollars. Having to have a conversation with your spouse about starting on the path to that is not unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I do think everyone has a responsibility to plan for their own retirement both DH and I would feel deeply uncomfortable living a luxurious lifestyle while either of of mothers lived in poverty and without adequate care.

Not having a private, full-time nurse is not living in poverty and without adequate care.

I think OP said a nurse, aid, or nursing home., I don’t think she is far down this path. It sounds like she is just freaking out.

Maybe. I think the thing that jumps out to me though is that rather than investigate what her parents can qualify for /afford and then meeting any shortfall the response is a tantrum about how the marital funds are not truly equal. My grandmother needed a very high level of care for over a decade because of dementia but no other health problems (made more expensive because she became aggressive as well). It was literally millions of dollars. Having to have a conversation with your spouse about starting on the path to that is not unreasonable.

I think he probably blew her off when she went to start the conversation. I wouldn’t think to have all of my ducks in a row when I went to talk to my husband about something, and I wouldn’t expect to be rebuffed either.

Because yeah, thinking that he is just going to be willing to spend marital money on whatever her parents need without question is unrealistic, but expecting that she is just going to stop being a SAHM and get a job without discussion or buy-in from her husband is just as crazy.

I also think it’s kind of unfair to think of this discussion as simply one about finances. It sounds like her father just got a terminal diagnosis and is unable to live at home. That’s not an easy thing to deal with.

[Anonymous]

OP why did you decide to stop working if you knew your parents didn't have finances in place for retirement, and would need your money?

[Anonymous]

OP has posted about this before. Last year she wanted to buy her parents a luxury SUV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surprise, surprise, the biggest advocates on here of husbands paying for their inlaws are all the sahms who never earned a dollar of the money. Ladies, if your parents are making minimum wage, perhaps you shouldn't stop working. Perhaps you shouldn't expect your husband to work a couple extra years in retirement (long after your kids are gone and you're going to pilates every day) so that your parents have medical care.

The easy way to have avoided this awkward discussion is simply for either the inlaws or the OP to have worked, like everyone else who doesn't have enough money saved for their own needs.

+1. I am a long-time SAHM. I don’t have a budget for household/child expenses but I’m also very reasonable. However I allow DH to set the budget for big ticket items (our home, our cars, if we do a renovation, etc.) where he feels comfortable because he is the one earning the money and he is the one who will have to wait longer to retire if we overspend on these things. This doesn’t feel unfair to me, it feels very fair.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me so happy I’m still working. I could not handle the dynamic of is this my money or his money. We have always combined our money and while there were periods where I put earned my husband, earlier this year he sold his business and all of the proceeds went into our joint account (we don’t have any individual accounts except 401ks).

My husband and I both believe family is the number 1 thing and we would both do anything we needed to help our combined families out. I do think the points above are valid about a private nurse not necessarily being necessary. That type of care is expensive !

[Anonymous]

OP should have discussed these issues with her DH before getting married!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not be excited about my salary going to my inlaws. Not that I would discount the idea of helping them if necessary, but within limits.

+1
There is nearly a 0% chance I want to spend money on my ILs care. I suggest to liquidate all their assets and use their assets to pay for their care. Same for my parents.

Plus, what kind of selfish person doesn't plan their own retirement/ care and thinks their own children are a retirement plan So strange to me. The kids should absolutely oversee the care and quality. But pay for? No way!

Pretty much everyone in some cultures.

DP. I always see these references and they just seem inaccurate. For one, I have a lot of East Asian friends and what I see is that their parents will scrimp and save to help them get through school with no loans and when they have kids will at a minimum take care of the baby full time for the first 100 days and frequently up until school age. So the cultural expectation isn’t just that the elderly parents get all their expenses paid for in old age. In contrast, my
White in-laws could give a rats ass about their parents other than to collect an inheritance (never called, didn’t attend their funerals), did not pay for DH’s college, have never watched our children or even know their birthdays, and now it’s “well in some cultures everyone takes care of their elders.”

The cultures where kids take care of their parents are also cultures where parents sacrifice everything to put their kids in a better position than they were. And is one of the reasons such cultures preferred boys. And it works, until it doesn’t because someone doesn’t want to meet these expectations, or marries someone who doesn’t have these expectations, or grows up in a Western culture, where they don’t see how their parents take care of their grandparents, so aren’t raised fully immersed in that culture.