Do you feel marital money is truly equal?

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM and DH earns a very high income. When it comes to everyday spending on food, house, kids and family activities, his money is my money and everything is equal. Then our savings, brokerage, retirement accounts are way off. DH has way more, maybe 10x what I have. Where I really feel it is not my money is I have to ask and negotiate with DH for anything for my elderly parents in poor health. My dad needs a full time aid or nurse or get put into a nursing home. I understand these are high costs and DH does not want to pay these. His parents are younger and still in good health. I don’t like the position that I am in and will likely go back to work just to pay for my parents care.

[Anonymous]

DH earns a seven figure income and we can afford to pay for my parents. This is not a situation where it is choosing to save for our kids’ college or future retirement.

[Anonymous]

This is a tricky situation. Your DH married you, not your family.

[Anonymous]

You need to have a sit down conversation. You cannot assume that your / his money will go towards covering your parents’ care. Do you have siblings? It’s worthy of a conversation with them as well. I’m in the reverse situation. I make a LOT more than my husband and our money is fully joint, and yes, because of my earnings my investments and retirement accounts are about 3-4X my husbands. But none of our money is earmarked to cover care for either set of parents right now. Should one of them become very ill, where they would need full time care etc, there are many many conversations that would need to be had… with siblings, with the parents, a discussion of their financial situation, their care needs and expectations etc etc. So, no, you cannot assume this OP. And yes, you MAY need to go back to work to provide the additional care for your dad if that is what you choose to do.

[Anonymous]

Yes, 100%, his retirement accounts are bigger via work but I can do/spend what I want but we don't have nearly the income you do. I would talk to my husband about care and he'd have no issue if we could afford it and that's what I wanted to do. But, reality is my husband doesn't care as long as I'm reasonable and don't make us broke. I could buy a new car tomorrow and he wouldn't care (well, he'd be thrilled).

[Anonymous]

In my marriage I do believe what's mine is his and what's his is mine. But that is my DH's personality and concurrent with his values -- generosity is a cardinal trait. It's one of the big reasons I married him (because it's lovely, not because I want access to his money). I have plenty of savings, but he has quite a bit more than I do.

[Anonymous]

Similar situation as you, but I would not ask my DH to pay for aides for my mom. He might offer if she was really destitute, but this is her responsibility not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar situation as you, but I would not ask my DH to pay for aides for my mom. He might offer if she was really destitute, but this is her responsibility not yours.

What a terrible daughter.

[Anonymous]

I am the high earning spouse as a wife. Yes, it is absolutely our money. And any inheritance will be commingled from both sides.

I definitely would struggle with spending on extended family — parents, siblings, etc. We have a profoundly disabled daughter who could end up needing 24/7 care for 50 years or more. She will end up in a Medicaid paid care facility, because even though I make plenty of money, it would never be enough. So frankly, understanding her path, I’m generally fine with old folks ending up with Medicare/Medicaid based support. I also don’t value life at any quality. I will likely go somewhere with a right to die eventually. My husband feels quite differently on these subjects. Neither of us are right or wrong.

So, I guess my question is — will your husband not spend money on your parents because it is “his” money. Or because he simply has a different view on how elder care should work. To me, those are two very different issues.

[Anonymous]

I guess that your parents will stay with you.
Of course, that will make it very uncomfortable to have sex while your parents are in the house, but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

His money is not your money. If you want to support your parents, earn your own money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar situation as you, but I would not ask my DH to pay for aides for my mom. He might offer if she was really destitute, but this is her responsibility not yours.

This is horrible. If your husband wouldn't think to pay, you married a very bad person. As a couple, it is both your responsibility. When my MIL needed care, I didn't think twice to help her. Something is terribly off in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

My husband makes three times what I do right now. We would talk about a major expense like this, but there is no way that he would see it as “his” money.

And if I took on additional work to pay for something, he wouldn’t see it as “my” money if he was responsible for the house and kids and couldn’t do date night or whatever while I was working. The responsibility and income are shared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a tricky situation. Your DH married you, not your family.

Yes, this. This is different than him not thinking his money is both of yours. Your expecting to him to think that you can do whatever you want with something that belongs to both of you.

[Anonymous]

Do your parents not have any savings?