Just accepting unequal division of labor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "no one relaxes until everyone relaxes" point resonated with me too. I solved this by whenever my DH sat, I sat. If dinner needed to be made and he was sitting on the couch checking sports scores, I'd sit down and pull out my phone right next to him. He figured out pretty quickly that if was folding laundry or helping a kid with homework I'd start dinner (or if I was the one doing laundry/HW he'd start dinner).

My DH with ADHD would absolutely not pick up on this, lol. If left to his own devices he would just eat cereal for dinner at 9pm.

[Anonymous]

You two sit together and make a pact to be intentionally kind, fair and helpful. No keeping scores, just try to be a good team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "no one relaxes until everyone relaxes" point resonated with me too. I solved this by whenever my DH sat, I sat. If dinner needed to be made and he was sitting on the couch checking sports scores, I'd sit down and pull out my phone right next to him. He figured out pretty quickly that if was folding laundry or helping a kid with homework I'd start dinner (or if I was the one doing laundry/HW he'd start dinner).

My DH with ADHD would absolutely not pick up on this, lol. If left to his own devices he would just eat cereal for dinner at 9pm.

Mine would be like "Yay, a night off together! Let's go out and do something FUN!"

[Anonymous]

I accepted unequal responsibility distribution when I became a SAHM so he can focus on advancing his career. He accepted more equity in next decade when a new role gave him flexibility to cutdown on daily commute and frequent travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should throttle back on your career. Why do you work much harder, and for 4 times his salary? If you didn’t want to mommy track, it would seem like your current situation is the inevitable outcome of that decision.

Maybe she likes her career, and the independence and fulfillment it provides? Some people actually like to work hard at their careers.

Well that’s the choice she made then isn’t it? She got what she wanted, with all the tradeoffs that it comes with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I accepted unequal responsibility distribution when I became a SAHM so he can focus on advancing his career. He accepted more equity in next decade when a new role gave him flexibility to cutdown on daily commute and frequent travel.

Circle back and let us know if he really does it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage had been really tainted by the inequity in our workload. Dh has adhd. Likely in large part because of this, I do the lions share of everything. I make about 4x the salary, work much much harder; and have to remember almost all of the kid and household admin. It’s not that he *wont* do it but it’s sort of positioned as that he *cannot* do as much as me and therefore would just - if left to own devices - let many many many things slide (clean clothes/ kids shower/ kids eat any vegetables/ submit mandatory forms to school/ buy birthday presents for other kids parties etc etc). I sit there every night working and doing admin till I go to bed basically while he unwinds. I do not want to share time with kids and I know the dcum party line is don’t divorce unless it’s awful. And he does have in theory many good qualities. But the inequity in our relationship is just bananas. I have addressed it all I can and this is the best it’s going to get. Is there any solution?

How old are your kids?

Can you hire more help? Sounds like maybe someone to deliver premade meals could help. An accountant to do your finances? Tutors to help kids with hw?

I think the only solution is to program him to do more simple tasks. I’m sorry, but if he can follow a list he should be able to do showers for the kids, dishes, wipe counters, trash, run loads of laundry and fold, pack lunches, etc. Sit him down and say I’m working for hours after work and I need you to help me with XYZ so I can have time to wind down also.

TeuxDeux is a good app with a list that you can program to have daily repeatable items. Maybe you can even share an account and add things to it.

Try to simplify your life as much as possible. Buy multiples of one or two kinds of birthday presents and a pack of ten bags. Do some of the kid admin on your lunch break.

Did someone actually think that "deux" is pronounced "do?" That's pretty embarrassing.

That’s pretty similar to how it sounds in French (like un, deux, trois), what are you talking about?

No it's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage had been really tainted by the inequity in our workload. Dh has adhd. Likely in large part because of this, I do the lions share of everything. I make about 4x the salary, work much much harder; and have to remember almost all of the kid and household admin. It’s not that he *wont* do it but it’s sort of positioned as that he *cannot* do as much as me and therefore would just - if left to own devices - let many many many things slide (clean clothes/ kids shower/ kids eat any vegetables/ submit mandatory forms to school/ buy birthday presents for other kids parties etc etc). I sit there every night working and doing admin till I go to bed basically while he unwinds. I do not want to share time with kids and I know the dcum party line is don’t divorce unless it’s awful. And he does have in theory many good qualities. But the inequity in our relationship is just bananas. I have addressed it all I can and this is the best it’s going to get. Is there any solution?

How old are your kids?

Can you hire more help? Sounds like maybe someone to deliver premade meals could help. An accountant to do your finances? Tutors to help kids with hw?

I think the only solution is to program him to do more simple tasks. I’m sorry, but if he can follow a list he should be able to do showers for the kids, dishes, wipe counters, trash, run loads of laundry and fold, pack lunches, etc. Sit him down and say I’m working for hours after work and I need you to help me with XYZ so I can have time to wind down also.

TeuxDeux is a good app with a list that you can program to have daily repeatable items. Maybe you can even share an account and add things to it.

Try to simplify your life as much as possible. Buy multiples of one or two kinds of birthday presents and a pack of ten bags. Do some of the kid admin on your lunch break.

Did someone actually think that "deux" is pronounced "do?" That's pretty embarrassing.

That’s pretty similar to how it sounds in French (like un, deux, trois), what are you talking about?

No it's not.

Because it’s… ? No English word really rhymes with the French “deux” but “do” is the closest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You two sit together and make a pact to be intentionally kind, fair and helpful. No keeping scores, just try to be a good team.

DP. Yeah, tried that. Just does not work with someone with weak executive function. Structure works. Good intentions do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage had been really tainted by the inequity in our workload. Dh has adhd. Likely in large part because of this, I do the lions share of everything. I make about 4x the salary, work much much harder; and have to remember almost all of the kid and household admin. It’s not that he *wont* do it but it’s sort of positioned as that he *cannot* do as much as me and therefore would just - if left to own devices - let many many many things slide (clean clothes/ kids shower/ kids eat any vegetables/ submit mandatory forms to school/ buy birthday presents for other kids parties etc etc). I sit there every night working and doing admin till I go to bed basically while he unwinds. I do not want to share time with kids and I know the dcum party line is don’t divorce unless it’s awful. And he does have in theory many good qualities. But the inequity in our relationship is just bananas. I have addressed it all I can and this is the best it’s going to get. Is there any solution?

How old are your kids?

Can you hire more help? Sounds like maybe someone to deliver premade meals could help. An accountant to do your finances? Tutors to help kids with hw?

I think the only solution is to program him to do more simple tasks. I’m sorry, but if he can follow a list he should be able to do showers for the kids, dishes, wipe counters, trash, run loads of laundry and fold, pack lunches, etc. Sit him down and say I’m working for hours after work and I need you to help me with XYZ so I can have time to wind down also.

TeuxDeux is a good app with a list that you can program to have daily repeatable items. Maybe you can even share an account and add things to it.

Try to simplify your life as much as possible. Buy multiples of one or two kinds of birthday presents and a pack of ten bags. Do some of the kid admin on your lunch break.

Did someone actually think that "deux" is pronounced "do?" That's pretty embarrassing.

That’s pretty similar to how it sounds in French (like un, deux, trois), what are you talking about?

No it's not.

Are you from Louisiana and think the French would pronounce it like “toe doe”? Bahhahaha talk about embarrassing! You’re lucky this is anon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I accepted unequal responsibility distribution when I became a SAHM so he can focus on advancing his career. He accepted more equity in next decade when a new role gave him flexibility to cutdown on daily commute and frequent travel.

Circle back and let us know if he really does it.

FYI, doing it since last 5 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m amazed how many DHs who don’t do chores are explained away by having AHDH.
In this case, OP, why are you attributing it to ADHD and not a more run of the mill laziness or resentment towards you because you make much more money than him? He sees you doing everything and knows how much this bothers you and still doesn’t do anything about it?

Lol. My husband is a military planner and former infantry officer who insisted he couldn’t pick kids up from play dates because he couldn’t find the addresses, didn’t know where people lived etc. and I am like “you’re saying that you could plan the Invasion of Normandy but you can’t take someone to a birthday party? Try again!”

For all of the “I forgot “ stuff try this: when you put the laundry in. Ask Alexa to remind you in an hour to switch it. We both have ADHD and we have so many reminders set on that thing! Alexa reminds us to straighten up the house before the cleaners come on Wednesday, reminds us to take the trash out on Tuesday, etc. and there’s this feature where if you say you need an urgent reminder (ie pick up flea medicine for the dog), it will remind you and text you every hour until you do it. I also put a lot of things on auto ship these days too.


Yes, it's far more likely to be learned incompetence rather than ADHD in the vast majority of cases. They function just fine at work, they just don't WANT to at home.

100% this. If they are fine on the job and not perpetually unemployed, they can do the job but they just don't care nor want to give it the level of effort expected by their spouse because they know spouse will pick up the slack somehow.

Yes, this!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You two sit together and make a pact to be intentionally kind, fair and helpful. No keeping scores, just try to be a good team.

DP. Yeah, tried that. Just does not work with someone with weak executive function. Structure works. Good intentions do not.

Good intentions make all the difference, structure only helps execute them. Unless one understands and feels genuinely concerned about unfairly overburdening their partner, nothing would change.

[Anonymous]

Disagree with those saying if he can do it at work he can do it at home. For ADHD people, executive function is a depleteable resource. It’s very possible he’s barely holding on at work and has less left to give at home. It doesn’t justify becoming a lump on the couch, but it does explain just never getting a grip on the trash pickup or soccer game schedules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You two sit together and make a pact to be intentionally kind, fair and helpful. No keeping scores, just try to be a good team.

DP. Yeah, tried that. Just does not work with someone with weak executive function. Structure works. Good intentions do not.

Good intentions make all the difference, structure only helps execute them. Unless one understands and feels genuinely concerned about unfairly overburdening their partner, nothing would change.

Fine. Good intentions alone are not anywhere near enough. You can’t just ask both parties to do their best and not “keep score” (set up structure and accountability) when the status quo is this unfair.