WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You consult the ex-SIL on the matter.

Huh? No. Not her issue, as none of the kids are minors.

IMO the ex-wife (OP's former SIL and kids mother) may be the root of the problem. It is telling that OP stated, "His own children do not accept his new family, his ex chose to stay out of it." Really?

The fact OP mentions the ex-wife "chose to stay out of it" is a bit too convenient for me. I think the ex-wife may have got involved big-time and has probably influenced the kids.

Even if she is happily re-coupled herself, the ex-wife may simply not want another woman anywhere near the role of a "mother" type figure with her kids. Even adults kids. There is a strong loyalty bond between mothers and their children and kids will typically do anything to make mom happy - to include shunning their father and making any "stepmom" a very easy and sociologically-justified target for attack.

I would be willing to bet that mom has made direct and/or subtle comments and has adopted body language over the years (eye rolls, smirks, shrugs, faux sadness) which have affected those kids' attitudes towards spending time around their father's wife and that will never change now.

[Anonymous]

Whatever happened to "for better or worse" ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is invited. You can’t exclude your brothers wife and children. Your nephews are adults. They are welcome, and you would adore for them to come. But that doesn’t mean you’re going to disinvite your brothers wife.

They are adults and need to start acting like adults. Divorce and remarriage is really hard on kids. Holidays make it harder. But the answer is not to get involved in what is, in the end, their own petty hatred of their dads new wife.

My answer changes if his new wife abused these boys as teens or something of course. Abusers get disinvited.

She wasn't abusive but she expected acceptance and went out of her way to get them to like her. Expensive gifts, coming to their games, sending them food packages. She really wanted them to like her. She used to cry to our parents, "I do this and I do that, and nothing is ever good enough, they don't even say hello to me." She would also tell her kids to call them "brother and sisters" and they HATED it, it was so forced and awkward. These kids are tough, they do not budge. On the contrary, their mother is about to remarry and they are friendly with their future stepdad and his DS.

There is more to this story that you are not hearing about or from the Brother.

My guess is that your brother has more resources than his ex. His kids view the new wife and her children as competition for their father's resources. Their mom, however, they are happy to see taken care of by her new husband. Stepmoms, significantly more than stepdads, are vilified in folklore and popular culture from the beginning of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the step-kids won't come. One thing that sucks about being an ACOD is the pressure to spend your holidays with people you aren't actually related to and don't care about. Everyone knows if the married couple split up, they'd never see each other again. Divorced people shouldn't expect everyone else to cater to them like this.

+1

+2

Once you’re divorced you can no longer expect to be accepted by your family? That’s what you must mean because nowhere do I see the brother expecting to be catered to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is "right", but:

If the gathering is you, your children, your parents and your nieces and nephews - the new wife and her children aren't really of the same "family". They can gather with her family, also the family of the step kids.

I think when you break apart a family you have to prepare for such things. So I guess I'd rather have the nieces and nephews present, than the brother + new wife + new fam.

The grandparents are hosting their kids (including the dad in this story) and their grandkids (the college boys in this story). You can’t really think they’re going to say their son isn’t welcome because he got divorced 5 years ago and his college aged kids don’t want his new wife there. Merry Christmas?

I think you could actually. Or host them separately. But new wife+children don't need to crash the rest of the family gathering.

What I wouldn't agree with is saying brother/son can come, but you must leave your wife+new kids at home. So I think do a big gathering with the rest of the family, and then they can come over another time.

A wife and kids aren’t “crashing the family gathering.” I married a man as a single mom: if his family excluded me based on the notion that we’re not *really* family I would be heartbroken and reconsider my marriage. That is not at all normal.

This is where my close friend is at right now. She married someone who had been previously married - they met over 5 years after the divorce. The mom of her husband's adult kids has been cohabitating with her boyfriend for many years. Still, the older kids have shunned her, and as a result, so his the rest of his family, to a lesser degree. She told me she feels like a mistress that can't be a part of his family even though they have young children together. She's been in a lot of therapy to try to deal and she's finally getting divorced over it. She is a ghost of the person I knew before all of this, and I hope after she's through the worst of it, my once vibrant, bubbly, happy friend comes back.

Why on earth did she marry into this situation?

Did you ever think maybe they do have their reasons? If the entire family is shunning her, there might be more going on. I know it's hard to imagine that about your friend, but sometimes there are things you don't know about.

Not PP, but I have seen families shun the 2nd partner even if they met long after the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the step-kids won't come. One thing that sucks about being an ACOD is the pressure to spend your holidays with people you aren't actually related to and don't care about. Everyone knows if the married couple split up, they'd never see each other again. Divorced people shouldn't expect everyone else to cater to them like this.

+1

+2

Once you’re divorced you can no longer expect to be accepted by your family? That’s what you must mean because nowhere do I see the brother expecting to be catered to

Seems like he wants to bring a LOT of people who don't get along with each other. It's unpleasant for others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Invite the ex-wife so the kids have someone on their side. Let the new wife stay home if she's uncomfortable with that since everyone is family.

No!

Why not? We're all family right?

[Anonymous]

His ex is the problem. Either invite all or none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You consult the ex-SIL on the matter.

Huh? No. Not her issue, as none of the kids are minors.

IMO the ex-wife (OP's former SIL and kids mother) may be the root of the problem. It is telling that OP stated, "His own children do not accept his new family, his ex chose to stay out of it." Really?

The fact OP mentions the ex-wife "chose to stay out of it" is a bit too convenient for me. I think the ex-wife may have got involved big-time and has probably influenced the kids.

Even if she is happily re-coupled herself, the ex-wife may simply not want another woman anywhere near the role of a "mother" type figure with her kids. Even adults kids. There is a strong loyalty bond between mothers and their children and kids will typically do anything to make mom happy - to include shunning their father and making any "stepmom" a very easy and sociologically-justified target for attack.

I would be willing to bet that mom has made direct and/or subtle comments and has adopted body language over the years (eye rolls, smirks, shrugs, faux sadness) which have affected those kids' attitudes towards spending time around their father's wife and that will never change now.

Too bad, so sad. Maybe dad should have stuck it out a few more years until the kids were no longer teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You consult the ex-SIL on the matter.

Huh? No. Not her issue, as none of the kids are minors.

IMO the ex-wife (OP's former SIL and kids mother) may be the root of the problem. It is telling that OP stated, "His own children do not accept his new family, his ex chose to stay out of it." Really?

The fact OP mentions the ex-wife "chose to stay out of it" is a bit too convenient for me. I think the ex-wife may have got involved big-time and has probably influenced the kids.

Even if she is happily re-coupled herself, the ex-wife may simply not want another woman anywhere near the role of a "mother" type figure with her kids. Even adults kids. There is a strong loyalty bond between mothers and their children and kids will typically do anything to make mom happy - to include shunning their father and making any "stepmom" a very easy and sociologically-justified target for attack.

I would be willing to bet that mom has made direct and/or subtle comments and has adopted body language over the years (eye rolls, smirks, shrugs, faux sadness) which have affected those kids' attitudes towards spending time around their father's wife and that will never change now.

Exactly this especially if she got custody. Even if she cheated they will side with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the step-kids won't come. One thing that sucks about being an ACOD is the pressure to spend your holidays with people you aren't actually related to and don't care about. Everyone knows if the married couple split up, they'd never see each other again. Divorced people shouldn't expect everyone else to cater to them like this.

+1

+2

Once you’re divorced you can no longer expect to be accepted by your family? That’s what you must mean because nowhere do I see the brother expecting to be catered to

Seems like he wants to bring a LOT of people who don't get along with each other. It's unpleasant for others.

+1

Why would the new wife and step kids want to attend anyway, knowing it is causing problems and they aren’t really wanted? If the son wants to attend, he should just do so alone. Presumably, it is for a few hours. Best for all, and easiest for all. The new wife can bond with the family another time, when the ex’s kids are not there.

If the son divorced the new wife tomorrow, would they ever even see her or her kids again? Highly likely not. It is just the way it is. Of course the grandkids are far more important. And the son did this to himself- what did he expect? Over time, things may change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His ex is the problem. Either invite all or none.

The ex has nothing to do with this. I bet the new wife was his AP. That's why the kids shun her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the step-kids won't come. One thing that sucks about being an ACOD is the pressure to spend your holidays with people you aren't actually related to and don't care about. Everyone knows if the married couple split up, they'd never see each other again. Divorced people shouldn't expect everyone else to cater to them like this.

+1

+2

Once you’re divorced you can no longer expect to be accepted by your family? That’s what you must mean because nowhere do I see the brother expecting to be catered to

Seems like he wants to bring a LOT of people who don't get along with each other. It's unpleasant for others.

+1

Why would the new wife and step kids want to attend anyway, knowing it is causing problems and they aren’t really wanted? If the son wants to attend, he should just do so alone. Presumably, it is for a few hours. Best for all, and easiest for all. The new wife can bond with the family another time, when the ex’s kids are not there.

If the son divorced the new wife tomorrow, would they ever even see her or her kids again? Highly likely not. It is just the way it is. Of course the grandkids are far more important. And the son did this to himself- what did he expect? Over time, things may change.

Probably not. My uncle married a woman with 2 kids, he had no kids of his own. But when he passed we lost contact with his step kids, their mother had passed a few years earlier. Haven't seen or heard from them in years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is invited. You can’t exclude your brothers wife and children. Your nephews are adults. They are welcome, and you would adore for them to come. But that doesn’t mean you’re going to disinvite your brothers wife.

They are adults and need to start acting like adults. Divorce and remarriage is really hard on kids. Holidays make it harder. But the answer is not to get involved in what is, in the end, their own petty hatred of their dads new wife.

My answer changes if his new wife abused these boys as teens or something of course. Abusers get disinvited.

She wasn't abusive but she expected acceptance and went out of her way to get them to like her. Expensive gifts, coming to their games, sending them food packages. She really wanted them to like her. She used to cry to our parents, "I do this and I do that, and nothing is ever good enough, they don't even say hello to me." She would also tell her kids to call them "brother and sisters" and they HATED it, it was so forced and awkward. These kids are tough, they do not budge. On the contrary, their mother is about to remarry and they are friendly with their future stepdad and his DS.

This is weird. Either the kids are very cruel and immature or she was the AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is invited. You can’t exclude your brothers wife and children. Your nephews are adults. They are welcome, and you would adore for them to come. But that doesn’t mean you’re going to disinvite your brothers wife.

They are adults and need to start acting like adults. Divorce and remarriage is really hard on kids. Holidays make it harder. But the answer is not to get involved in what is, in the end, their own petty hatred of their dads new wife.

My answer changes if his new wife abused these boys as teens or something of course. Abusers get disinvited.

She wasn't abusive but she expected acceptance and went out of her way to get them to like her. Expensive gifts, coming to their games, sending them food packages. She really wanted them to like her. She used to cry to our parents, "I do this and I do that, and nothing is ever good enough, they don't even say hello to me." She would also tell her kids to call them "brother and sisters" and they HATED it, it was so forced and awkward. These kids are tough, they do not budge. On the contrary, their mother is about to remarry and they are friendly with their future stepdad and his DS.

This is weird. Either the kids are very cruel and immature or she was the AP.

Or maybe their mom told them new wife was an AP.