WWYD? Being asked NOT to bring a new spouse and children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the step-kids won't come. One thing that sucks about being an ACOD is the pressure to spend your holidays with people you aren't actually related to and don't care about. Everyone knows if the married couple split up, they'd never see each other again. Divorced people shouldn't expect everyone else to cater to them like this.

+1

[Anonymous]

Maybe I am in the minority but given my relationship with my brother I would absolutely speak to him in private about it and gauge what he thinks. Maybe his new wife is dying to go see her family or whatnot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope - OP should not invite her brother and his family. She can let him know that of course he is welcome but she can’t host his new family at this time, she understands he will need to spend it with his wife and her/their (can’t tell if they are step or young kids) kids.

Here’s why …the drama between the dumped original kids and the do over kids is always a mess. DH’s father and his siblings all had divorces and second families. There is one expansive set of original cousins and one expansive set of do over cousins. As an observer its pretty clear that the originals are still hurt years later getting dumped by one parent and then seeing them dote on the do over kids.

Step kids are even weirder. The original kids are seeing their dad’s time and resources go to some other women’s kids.

Holidays are stressful enough don’t invite the clown car over and not expect a circus.

The "clown" is her brother. I want to see where you're coming from, but I simply can't imagine inviting my brother's kids and not my brother to a family event, short of finding out my brother abused them. But, I actually love my brother.

Look at it this way. Having three children, a nasty divorce and then marrying another woman with kids is going to harm/be painful to your original kids. It just is. They may learn to tolerate it and accept it but it’s another loss for them. It also creates complications with holidays and a host of other extended family stuff. Anyone who goes into these relationships expecting anything else is either a naive fool or self absorbed person.

He chose to enter into this complicated situation. The rest of the family did not so he needs to sit this holiday out. He can go to his new wife’s family gathering or they can have a small one at home. This is neither the time or place fr everyone to get to know his new family.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is invited. If you don’t want to go, then make other plans. Invite Dad to lunch a different day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You consult the ex-SIL on the matter.

Huh? No. Not her issue, as none of the kids are minors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope - OP should not invite her brother and his family. She can let him know that of course he is welcome but she can’t host his new family at this time, she understands he will need to spend it with his wife and her/their (can’t tell if they are step or young kids) kids.

Here’s why …the drama between the dumped original kids and the do over kids is always a mess. DH’s father and his siblings all had divorces and second families. There is one expansive set of original cousins and one expansive set of do over cousins. As an observer its pretty clear that the originals are still hurt years later getting dumped by one parent and then seeing them dote on the do over kids.

Step kids are even weirder. The original kids are seeing their dad’s time and resources go to some other women’s kids.

Holidays are stressful enough don’t invite the clown car over and not expect a circus.

The "clown" is her brother. I want to see where you're coming from, but I simply can't imagine inviting my brother's kids and not my brother to a family event, short of finding out my brother abused them. But, I actually love my brother.

Look at it this way. Having three children, a nasty divorce and then marrying another woman with kids is going to harm/be painful to your original kids. It just is. They may learn to tolerate it and accept it but it’s another loss for them. It also creates complications with holidays and a host of other extended family stuff. Anyone who goes into these relationships expecting anything else is either a naive fool or self absorbed person.

He chose to enter into this complicated situation. The rest of the family did not so he needs to sit this holiday out. He can go to his new wife’s family gathering or they can have a small one at home. This is neither the time or place fr everyone to get to know his new family.

Not really. There may be hard feelings but suggesting OP’s parents should exclude their own son and his wife under the fact pattern is just absurd. Some people seem to be projecting here. They should invite everyone and set the tone that this will be a happy, inclusive holiday gathering. If it fails, it fails, but taking sides against their own son where no facts suggest wrongdoing on his part other than remarrying is not an option.

[Anonymous]

Brother's kids do not get to dictate who attends what. They can just decline to attend. How old are they. Actually it doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the step-kids won't come. One thing that sucks about being an ACOD is the pressure to spend your holidays with people you aren't actually related to and don't care about. Everyone knows if the married couple split up, they'd never see each other again. Divorced people shouldn't expect everyone else to cater to them like this.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Brother should ask himself "Does my extended family actually want me to show up with a total of six (or more?) people who do not get along with each other?"

[Anonymous]

This happened to my family; my grandparents chose their son (over their grandchildren, who, like your nieces and nephews, refused to engage if the new family were included). The outcome is that we lost contact with treasured cousins, and I'm still sad about it.

It's important to find ways to support both your brother and his estranged children. Be very careful not to alienate the kids, if you value any future relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

I am close with my brother so I’d talk to him. Maybe they have an invite with his new wife’s family. If the divorce was only five years ago and he’s already fully blended in with his jew family that would suggest that the new step-mom may have been an AP. That changes the whole thing.

I hope the kids can get together with their moms family because the whole situation is sad.

[Anonymous]

Invite the ex-wife so the kids have someone on their side. Let the new wife stay home if she's uncomfortable with that since everyone is family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to my family; my grandparents chose their son (over their grandchildren, who, like your nieces and nephews, refused to engage if the new family were included). The outcome is that we lost contact with treasured cousins, and I'm still sad about it.

It's important to find ways to support both your brother and his estranged children. Be very careful not to alienate the kids, if you value any future relationship with them.

Where did anyone say the kids were estranged???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Invite the ex-wife so the kids have someone on their side. Let the new wife stay home if she's uncomfortable with that since everyone is family.

No!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is invited. You can’t exclude your brothers wife and children. Your nephews are adults. They are welcome, and you would adore for them to come. But that doesn’t mean you’re going to disinvite your brothers wife.

They are adults and need to start acting like adults. Divorce and remarriage is really hard on kids. Holidays make it harder. But the answer is not to get involved in what is, in the end, their own petty hatred of their dads new wife.

My answer changes if his new wife abused these boys as teens or something of course. Abusers get disinvited.

She wasn't abusive but she expected acceptance and went out of her way to get them to like her. Expensive gifts, coming to their games, sending them food packages. She really wanted them to like her. She used to cry to our parents, "I do this and I do that, and nothing is ever good enough, they don't even say hello to me." She would also tell her kids to call them "brother and sisters" and they HATED it, it was so forced and awkward. These kids are tough, they do not budge. On the contrary, their mother is about to remarry and they are friendly with their future stepdad and his DS.

There is more to this story that you are not hearing about or from the Brother.