DIL never participates, never joins in

[Anonymous]

Have you read any of the recent alcohol related studies? It seems she has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:well I'm not going to judge you because I have a SIL who is like this to my family. Not in regards to drinking or anything, but she just wants nothing to do with her husbands side of the family. They live about 20 mins from my parents and my parents practically have to beg to see them and the grandkids. I have absolutely no relationship with her. She has never cared to get to know me. We see them maybe once per year, maybe every other year, for Christmas.

On the flip side, she is very close to her family who lives out of state and her two sisters.

It's fine, I just think it's odd that she is so cold. And no there are no issues with my parents and my brother has a good relationship with my parents, barring the fact that his wife never wants to prioritize our side of the family.

Its funny because the cousins are actually pretty close, despite this kind of cold relationship.

In my own family, I always loved my DH's side of the family. They were very close, and i truly felt part of the family. They have a much bigger family, maybe that is why.

Sounds like for your SIL "DH's side of the family" are aholes.

And what’s your proof of that?

[Anonymous]

Stopped drinking due to my mil. From the moment I stopped drinking she constantly was trying to force drinks on me or comment to others I was a prude. In reality she had a horrible drinking problem and thought her behavior was acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:well I'm not going to judge you because I have a SIL who is like this to my family. Not in regards to drinking or anything, but she just wants nothing to do with her husbands side of the family. They live about 20 mins from my parents and my parents practically have to beg to see them and the grandkids. I have absolutely no relationship with her. She has never cared to get to know me. We see them maybe once per year, maybe every other year, for Christmas.

On the flip side, she is very close to her family who lives out of state and her two sisters.

It's fine, I just think it's odd that she is so cold. And no there are no issues with my parents and my brother has a good relationship with my parents, barring the fact that his wife never wants to prioritize our side of the family.

Its funny because the cousins are actually pretty close, despite this kind of cold relationship.

In my own family, I always loved my DH's side of the family. They were very close, and i truly felt part of the family. They have a much bigger family, maybe that is why.

Sounds like for your SIL "DH's side of the family" are aholes.

And what’s your proof of that?

Your post. Did you not get that?

[Anonymous]

I've never been able to drink hard liquor or cocktails after wine or beer. Before? Yes. After? No.

Margaritas should have been served first, for most people, followed by beer or wine.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's shy or introverted, and after that much time together she needs time to recharge.

Maybe she doesn't like you!

Maybe she just doesn't drink that much and doesn't appreciate being pressured. (I don't drink and I really get tired of having to talk about it. My in laws don't make a big deal, luckily.)

Why not ask your son, if you feel like this is a pattern of her holding back? Find out if this is just that she needs some time to herself - in which case just deal with it! - or if there is something else that maybe can be worked on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really am taking in all the feedback. The rest of us must have iron stomachs, because it was a big party kind of night and most adults who already had a beer, wine or Scotch drank the margaritas as well. Buy it seems like that would bother a lot of people so I guess I’ll just take this at face value.

I see how this was a bad example but it seriously is always no, no thanks, “I’m good.” “I’m good” all the time is irksome when my husband is simply offering to carry her suitcase or I am offering to help with dinner.

But I appreciate the feedback and I am taking it in.

More bad examples. I would also say no thanks to someone 30-40 years older than me offering to help me with my suitcase. I’m stronger and fitter than my in laws and it seems weird to accept that kind of help. Also, my MIL is a disaster in the kitchen - her “help” slows me down so much that everything takes twice as long so I always so “no thanks, I’m sure the kids would like to play a game though.”

[Anonymous]

My MIL never liked me from day one. I knew it and no amount of my goodwill towards her would help. I was so happy the day my kids were old enough to visit her with just with my husband.

[Anonymous]

Keep searchin’ for that last shaker of salt, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking in the feedback. I know this is a trivial example. It’s just always no thank you, no thanks, and she barely talks to DH and me but is effusive with aunts, uncles, cousins.

When her parents visit, she goes out for margaritas with her mom and her visiting female relatives and her friends. She’s never once invited me or my daughter out.

She’s warm to others, cool to us.

OP-
I get that you are trying here with the DIL. You made her favorite drink. She declined it. You feel hurt and are lumping that in with all the other things about her that you tolerate but don’t like because you feel rejected/unappreciated. She probably does too (for her own set of trivial reasons). But recognize that she is the newcomer. It takes time to acclimate to someone else’s family. Especially when there is a SIL involved.

DIL is used to being the daughter in her family but when she is with your family she isn’t. That takes time to adjust to. You may think ‘oh I treat her like a daughter, I make her favorite drinks’ but it’s not the same. If you adopted a daughter it would change the family dynamics and take time for everyone to adjust.Since everyone is grown up when DIL comes onto the scene, and you don’t live together, the time spent at family dinners/gatherings are like small windows of opportunity to incorporate her into your family. Try to be patient. Spend some time w/her 1-1. Go shopping or grab lunch sometime (without the SIL). Let her figure out how to fit into your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The example you gave wasn't a great one OP, but I think I understand the overall vibe and why it feels like rejection and hurts.

I know that my own mother is/was hurt that my SIL was always distant. She avoided gatherings and when she was there she was polite but cold, never starting a conversation or really engaging. The vibe she gave off was of merely tolerating the interaction. It can hurt, regardless of the reason. Particularly when you had dreams of "gaining a daughter" through marriage.

You can't control her, and pushing will likely make things work. Just acknowledge that the relationship is not what you expected/hoped and turn your attention elsewhere.

I get it too! Just keep being you, don’t talk bad about her and let her be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really am taking in all the feedback. The rest of us must have iron stomachs, because it was a big party kind of night and most adults who already had a beer, wine or Scotch drank the margaritas as well. Buy it seems like that would bother a lot of people so I guess I’ll just take this at face value.

I see how this was a bad example but it seriously is always no, no thanks, “I’m good.” “I’m good” all the time is irksome when my husband is simply offering to carry her suitcase or I am offering to help with dinner.

But I appreciate the feedback and I am taking it in.

You sound very budget and nitpicky OP. Just own the fact you do not like her. Is she a different religion or race than you? You sound very biased.

[Anonymous]

The fact that she is warm to the aunts and uncles but cold to you and your DH speaks volumes. What did you all do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that she is warm to the aunts and uncles but cold to you and your DH speaks volumes. What did you all do?

I agree. You and/or your husband did something, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking in the feedback. I know this is a trivial example. It’s just always no thank you, no thanks, and she barely talks to DH and me but is effusive with aunts, uncles, cousins.

When her parents visit, she goes out for margaritas with her mom and her visiting female relatives and her friends. She’s never once invited me or my daughter out.

She’s warm to others, cool to us.

She’s gray rocking you. And there’s probably a good reason that, if you think critically enough, you can figure out. Something happened in the past to lead to gray rock behavior.