DIL never participates, never joins in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really am taking in all the feedback. The rest of us must have iron stomachs, because it was a big party kind of night and most adults who already had a beer, wine or Scotch drank the margaritas as well. Buy it seems like that would bother a lot of people so I guess I’ll just take this at face value.

I see how this was a bad example but it seriously is always no, no thanks, “I’m good.” “I’m good” all the time is irksome when my husband is simply offering to carry her suitcase or I am offering to help with dinner.

But I appreciate the feedback and I am taking it in.

I’m sorry, OP. I was like this with my MIL. She made a few comments during wedding planning and early in my marriage that were really pretty mean, and I never got over it.
Looking back on it now, I don’t think she meant anything by it and would be surprised I was so hurt. But you take everything so seriously when you are setting up your first home and taking care of your first baby. Little quips and jokes and suggestions feel a lot bigger.

[Anonymous]

If you are the type to pressure others to drink, you should know that is obnoxious and a huge turn-off.

I eventually stopped drinking around my ILs altogether because they were so ridiculous about the fact I only drank one of anything. I think that made them feel more self-conscious about their 4+ drinks a night.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you closely observe, monitor and judge her.

Her reasonable response is to keep you at arm’s length.

Good.
For.
Her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really am taking in all the feedback. The rest of us must have iron stomachs, because it was a big party kind of night and most adults who already had a beer, wine or Scotch drank the margaritas as well. Buy it seems like that would bother a lot of people so I guess I’ll just take this at face value.

I see how this was a bad example but it seriously is always no, no thanks, “I’m good.” “I’m good” all the time is irksome when my husband is simply offering to carry her suitcase or I am offering to help with dinner.

But I appreciate the feedback and I am taking it in.

Sounds like you’re a bunch of alcoholics.

[Anonymous]

A lot of old people drink way more than younger people. And instead of just accepting the preferences of others, they act like defensive jerks about it.

[Anonymous]

Are your kitchen habits disgusting? I love margaritas but would never drink anything offered by my FIL. He licks his fingers, sneezes all over the place, etc.

[Anonymous]

DILs are like dogs. We sense when you don’t like us.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need her to drink more than a glass of wine, OP? Are you an alcoholic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey Boomer, young people don’t drink like you do.

Another boomer here. Sure they do. And you suck.

No, they don’t. Your generation thinks everyone needs to drink on an ongoing basis at gatherings to be “fun.” The younger generations know better,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you get a dud as part of your company of friends or relatives. The best you can do is provide some minimal pleasantries and then leave them be.

I’d say the “duds” are the bitter people counting drinks and acting like family participation = drinking

Nailed it.

[Anonymous]

OP, surely there’s more to the story. In the beginning, did she feel like an outsider to your family dynamic with you and your daughter, for example? From the beginning, did you push her repeatedly out of her comfort zone? Did you try to find things she likes, or quieter ways of getting to know her? Have you been friendly to her family of origin and tried to build connections there?

Did you ask her about making margaritas and ask her to join in on that? Or did you and you daughter make them (inside circle) and then present one to her (outside circle)? When she first started dating your child, and then when they were getting married, how did you treat her? Are you overbearing? Is she just more introverted? Is your sense of humor grating to her?

There is more to this story. Introspection a bit, look back at the history of your treatment of her, and then see if you have any insight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey Boomer, young people don’t drink like you do.

Another boomer here. Sure they do. And you suck.

No, they don’t. Your generation thinks everyone needs to drink on an ongoing basis at gatherings to be “fun.” The younger generations know better,

I’m so glad the tide is turning a bit with this. I do drink sometimes but I love that, among friends my age, there is no social pressure to when I’m not in the mood.

It sounds like this is part of a larger issue though and I’m sorry you feel she isn’t warm towards you. Just keep being polite and friendly and enjoy your family, she may warm up with time but lay off any judgement and don’t push the relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re at the beach with several families this weekend. It is well-known that DIL likes margaritas. We made a batch and she refused one, saying “I’ve already had a glass of red wine.”

I’m sure she would participate with her family. All we get is tight-lipped tolerance. I’m tired of constant rejection.

My you are very sensitive! Grow up. She didn't want to drink. It has zero impact on you. I thought you were going to say she eats her breakfast/lunch/dinner in her room and refuses to talk to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:well I'm not going to judge you because I have a SIL who is like this to my family. Not in regards to drinking or anything, but she just wants nothing to do with her husbands side of the family. They live about 20 mins from my parents and my parents practically have to beg to see them and the grandkids. I have absolutely no relationship with her. She has never cared to get to know me. We see them maybe once per year, maybe every other year, for Christmas.

On the flip side, she is very close to her family who lives out of state and her two sisters.

It's fine, I just think it's odd that she is so cold. And no there are no issues with my parents and my brother has a good relationship with my parents, barring the fact that his wife never wants to prioritize our side of the family.

Its funny because the cousins are actually pretty close, despite this kind of cold relationship.

In my own family, I always loved my DH's side of the family. They were very close, and i truly felt part of the family. They have a much bigger family, maybe that is why.

Sounds like for your SIL "DH's side of the family" are aholes.

[Anonymous]

OP, she might think you're an ugly drunk. When you think you're just having fun. Or not an ugly drunk, what I said there may be way too harsh, but maybe everyone's behavior goes downhill. In jest or otherwise, things are said. Maybe she's leery of you and always has her guard up. Maybe, for everyone, it's s a good thing to keep the relationship more formal.