DIL never participates, never joins in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never known anyone who insisted on an explanation who didn't then start arguing with the explanation. This is why "No, thank you" is better if what you're delivering is a hard no.

This comes up elsewhere on the board, "Sorry, Larla won't be able to come to the party because Kevin will be out of town, so I'll be wrangling both kids by myself. I hope Ryleigh has a great day!" opens the door to ways Larla could come anyway -- it's a drop-off party, the sibling is welcome, etc.

People who seek offense, like OP, are going to keep being offended because they are always going to figure out a way that someone's preferences are a personal attack. And you know what? If this is how OP acts, her DIL may not like her anymore, even if she once did, because nothing the DIL does is going to be enough affirmation for OP.

Bingo. This is why you see posters saying "well actually 'I already had a red wine isn't an explanation, because other people would drink both'" - they just want you to do exactly what they want. They don't want to know your reasons or explanations, they want control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To play Devil's (MIL's, j/k) advocate: DIL could have been more tactful, e.g., "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I had a glass of wine already. I don't want to risk a hangover, but thank you again. I'll have your famous apple pie instead."

This is a really elaborate script to protect MIL's feelings. Since MIL is hurting her own feelings for no reason, I think this is over-the-top.

Flip it: "Oh, DIL, I am so very sorry for not noticing that you were drinking wine tonight instead of mixed drinks. I cannot believe I would offer you a drink that would exacerbate a hangover and lead to a bad morning for you. I will be sure to get up early to make a big breakfast to take the edge off as penance!"

These are idiotic scripts where one side has to assume the other is insane and possibly armed. In the real world "do you want a margarita?" "No thanks, I've already had a red wine" is a perfectly acceptable, polite interaction. No one is in the wrong until one person decides to take offense for no reason.

It's not a script. We all do social lubrication, even with our family members.

You're overlubricating. No thanks is social lubrication. Giving an explanation to soften the no ("I've already started on wine") is social lubrication. You're playing some kind of preemptive defense against unwarranted attack, which is way above and beyond unless your family members are insane, drunk, and armed to the teeth.

If I know my MIL did something thoughtful - made margaritas because I like them, I'd rather overlubricate to show appreciation and keep peace. It's like receiving gifts - the thought that matters.

Yeah. I think most people would.
It seems obvious that the DIL doesn’t like the OP and her husband.
I’m pretty sure that the OP knows what they did to piss her off if she really thinks about it.

[Anonymous]

Troll post and you all bought it to the tune of 10 pages. Bet it's the same person who posted she is pissed her MIL wishes her happy anniversary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll post and you all bought it to the tune of 10 pages. Bet it's the same person who posted she is pissed her MIL wishes her happy anniversary.

I think you might be right, and am wondering if it's the same person who also started the "girlfriend on family vacation" thread, as that OP used very similar responses in both discussions: "I do appreciate the feedback and I am listening!" and "But I appreciate the feedback and I am taking it in."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey Boomer, young people don’t drink like you do.

I'm not happy with MIL here, but millennials drink waaaaay more than Boomers ever did.

[Anonymous]

She’s grey rocking you. Look it up and then think about why she would do that.

This is 100% not about margaritas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP here (and no, I am nit a Boomer),
It does not take much to be polite. It sounds like OP is trying. DIL can grow up and do the same.

OP, I would ask DD about it. Yes, I know I many will say I should ask DS (spouse) first, but I would self check myself to see if I’m reading too much into things first.

Hope it gets better. DH and I have a good relationship with our respective ILs and it will really bother me if we don’t have the same in the future.

In what universe is saying “No, thank you; I already had a glass of red wine” not polite? She politely declined and gave a perfectly good reason. (Not that she owed anyone a reason.)

Ehhhh it does sound a little judgy. Like the implication is that anyone else having more than one drink shouldn't be.

The thing about her going to drinks with her mom but not with OP - I can see why OP would crave this sort of thing, but also why OP would be different with her own mom than with her MIL! I would HATE to think that my MIL wants me to treat her like she's my own mother - I have my own mother. And she might not want to do the gendered thing (girls out for drinks, men home to watch sports!) with her husband's family, even if she does it with her own.

It really does feel like a conversation could help things - or could not. But OP, I think it's really good that you want to develop a closer relationship with your DIL. I hope it will be possible to do so.

Nope. Only a problem drinker would think that.

By the OP and the follow up it sounds like there are quite a few at the event. DIL probably does get bored needing to stay a safe driver, for example, or dealing with boorish drunk in-laws.

[Anonymous]

DIL has a right to not spend time with people whose company she doesn't enjoy. Yes, she should do short complimentary visits like Christmas, Thanksgiving, someone is hospital etc for social grace but nothing more is obligatory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey Boomer, young people don’t drink like you do.

I'm not happy with MIL here, but millennials drink waaaaay more than Boomers ever did.

Ummmmm, nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s grey rocking you. Look it up and then think about why she would do that.

This is 100% not about margaritas.

+1. Reflect a little bit. If she is friendly with the rest of your family but not you or your husband, then you did something to offend her. Broach it lightly with your son and then apologize for whatever it was.

[Anonymous]

Jesus🙄
Person doesn’t want to drink and you call it rejection

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t blame her, drinking margs after wine is a recipe for a rough hangover. Signed, fellow margarita enthusiast

+1

Ewww

[Anonymous]

OP, I am not a drinker or a big party goer, so I know that really irks my ILs. Both DH and I are homebodies, so large social interactions are hard for us. They complain all the time that we do not hang out with them but are just too much for us. They are not bad people.

I do go out with my family when they visit but mostly because they live in another country and only come to see me once a year. ILs live 10 miles away from us. I see them at least once a month and I am always so tired afterwards.

What I am trying to say i s that leave her your DIL alone. She doesn't want to drink - it's OK.

[Anonymous]

large social interactions are hard for us

This is something that a lot of us have a hard time believing. Who are not wired like you. That is our shortcoming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

large social interactions are hard for us

This is something that a lot of us have a hard time believing. Who are not wired like you. That is our shortcoming.

DH actually sat down with his family to explain why we are the way we are. It lead to MIL crying, a lot of gaslighting from FIL, DH's siblings. So we decided to do the bare minimum. We pick 2-3 holidays per year we are OK to share with them. No vacations together.