DIL never participates, never joins in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To play Devil's (MIL's, j/k) advocate: DIL could have been more tactful, e.g., "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I had a glass of wine already. I don't want to risk a hangover, but thank you again. I'll have your famous apple pie instead."

This is a really elaborate script to protect MIL's feelings. Since MIL is hurting her own feelings for no reason, I think this is over-the-top.

Flip it: "Oh, DIL, I am so very sorry for not noticing that you were drinking wine tonight instead of mixed drinks. I cannot believe I would offer you a drink that would exacerbate a hangover and lead to a bad morning for you. I will be sure to get up early to make a big breakfast to take the edge off as penance!"

These are idiotic scripts where one side has to assume the other is insane and possibly armed. In the real world "do you want a margarita?" "No thanks, I've already had a red wine" is a perfectly acceptable, polite interaction. No one is in the wrong until one person decides to take offense for no reason.

It's not a script. We all do social lubrication, even with our family members.

You're overlubricating. No thanks is social lubrication. Giving an explanation to soften the no ("I've already started on wine") is social lubrication. You're playing some kind of preemptive defense against unwarranted attack, which is way above and beyond unless your family members are insane, drunk, and armed to the teeth.

If I know my MIL did something thoughtful - made margaritas because I like them, I'd rather overlubricate to show appreciation and keep peace. It's like receiving gifts - the thought that matters.

How would the DIL know that the MIL made them specifically for the DIL because she liked them?

In any case, it's fine to say, "Thank you, but I'm good" in a non rude way. People say it all the time.

Why does anyone have to justify for declining something, and be overly profuse about their thanks. That's just over the top and tells me that some people need to have their ego stroked, or something.

Yes, that is what OP needs. She is feeling rejected by her DIL - and the example she gave is that she mixed a pitcher of what she thinks is DIL's favorite drink, and DIL just turned it down without really giving a reason. (Plenty of people have wine and a cocktail, so saying that you've had one glass of wine isn't actually an explanation.)

Who does it hurt to try to make your MIL feel like you aren't rejecting her, even if you think people shouldn't need their egos stroked or their hurt feelings mollified? Why is it so terrible to say, "THANK you for doing this! I wish I could have one, they look great, but I just can't do it tonight."

Absolutely false. She did give a reason (and she didn't even need to do so!). The fact that other people drink more or differently than DIL doesn't mean that DIL's choice is wrong, false, or needs further explanation. You say that she didn't give an explanation, but you actually show that you think that she should have apologized to MIL for not wanting another drink while saying "no thank you." You don't have to apologize for not drinking. An offer of a drink is not a summons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP here (and no, I am nit a Boomer),
It does not take much to be polite. It sounds like OP is trying. DIL can grow up and do the same.

OP, I would ask DD about it. Yes, I know I many will say I should ask DS (spouse) first, but I would self check myself to see if I’m reading too much into things first.

Hope it gets better. DH and I have a good relationship with our respective ILs and it will really bother me if we don’t have the same in the future.

In what universe is saying “No, thank you; I already had a glass of red wine” not polite? She politely declined and gave a perfectly good reason. (Not that she owed anyone a reason.)

Ehhhh it does sound a little judgy. Like the implication is that anyone else having more than one drink shouldn't be.

The thing about her going to drinks with her mom but not with OP - I can see why OP would crave this sort of thing, but also why OP would be different with her own mom than with her MIL! I would HATE to think that my MIL wants me to treat her like she's my own mother - I have my own mother. And she might not want to do the gendered thing (girls out for drinks, men home to watch sports!) with her husband's family, even if she does it with her own.

It really does feel like a conversation could help things - or could not. But OP, I think it's really good that you want to develop a closer relationship with your DIL. I hope it will be possible to do so.

Oh my goodness. That's a real reach. My husband only ever drinks one drink because alcohol gives him a headache. I've heard him down drinks by saying, "Thanks, but I've already had one, and I tend to get really bad headaches with more than one." That's not a judgment, it's a simple explanation. It's context.

Wow, some of you are so inclined to believe the very worst of people. Shall we assume the very worst of you, that you are hypersensitive about drinking because you are self-conscious about drinking too much? How's that for a reach? Fair's fair...

I am the PP - and I also can't drink because of headaches. That's what I tell people, too. Because it's nice to offer an explanation that doesn't sound like you think they're a bunch of lushes.

Also how am I believing the worst of anyone?! What am I even believing?! I don't believe anything!

So “No thanks, I’ve already had a glass of red wine” was “rude” because she didn’t detail the potential consequences? You needed her to specify that “drinking hard liquor after red wine tends to give me the runs,” or “if I drink tequila on top of red wine, I’ll probably vomit”? You needed full disclosure, you needed her to “go there,” and that would have been polite?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP here (and no, I am nit a Boomer),
It does not take much to be polite. It sounds like OP is trying. DIL can grow up and do the same.

OP, I would ask DD about it. Yes, I know I many will say I should ask DS (spouse) first, but I would self check myself to see if I’m reading too much into things first.

Hope it gets better. DH and I have a good relationship with our respective ILs and it will really bother me if we don’t have the same in the future.

In what universe is saying “No, thank you; I already had a glass of red wine” not polite? She politely declined and gave a perfectly good reason. (Not that she owed anyone a reason.)

Ehhhh it does sound a little judgy. Like the implication is that anyone else having more than one drink shouldn't be.

The thing about her going to drinks with her mom but not with OP - I can see why OP would crave this sort of thing, but also why OP would be different with her own mom than with her MIL! I would HATE to think that my MIL wants me to treat her like she's my own mother - I have my own mother. And she might not want to do the gendered thing (girls out for drinks, men home to watch sports!) with her husband's family, even if she does it with her own.

It really does feel like a conversation could help things - or could not. But OP, I think it's really good that you want to develop a closer relationship with your DIL. I hope it will be possible to do so.

Oh my goodness. That's a real reach. My husband only ever drinks one drink because alcohol gives him a headache. I've heard him down drinks by saying, "Thanks, but I've already had one, and I tend to get really bad headaches with more than one." That's not a judgment, it's a simple explanation. It's context.

Wow, some of you are so inclined to believe the very worst of people. Shall we assume the very worst of you, that you are hypersensitive about drinking because you are self-conscious about drinking too much? How's that for a reach? Fair's fair...

I am the PP - and I also can't drink because of headaches. That's what I tell people, too. Because it's nice to offer an explanation that doesn't sound like you think they're a bunch of lushes.

Also how am I believing the worst of anyone?! What am I even believing?! I don't believe anything!

dp.. I can't drink because I'm allergic to alcohol. It makes me vomit. I don't need to tell everyone who offers me a drink why I decline their offer of a drink. You are making someone declining your offer too personally. Some folks have private reasons why they decline something. Get over it. It's not all about you.

Why are people on this thread so nuts? Who said it's about me even a little? In my 50 years of living I have learned that people often feel better when they have some explanation that doesn't leave them guessing why you are saying no to something. I guess your experience is different - imagine that!

There WAS an explanation, and there WAS a “thank you.” If you need someone to spell out a specific bodily reason why tequila after red wine doesn’t work for their system, personally, then you are beyond nosy and clueless, and there’s no hope for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP here (and no, I am nit a Boomer),
It does not take much to be polite. It sounds like OP is trying. DIL can grow up and do the same.

OP, I would ask DD about it. Yes, I know I many will say I should ask DS (spouse) first, but I would self check myself to see if I’m reading too much into things first.

Hope it gets better. DH and I have a good relationship with our respective ILs and it will really bother me if we don’t have the same in the future.

In what universe is saying “No, thank you; I already had a glass of red wine” not polite? She politely declined and gave a perfectly good reason. (Not that she owed anyone a reason.)

Ehhhh it does sound a little judgy. Like the implication is that anyone else having more than one drink shouldn't be.

The thing about her going to drinks with her mom but not with OP - I can see why OP would crave this sort of thing, but also why OP would be different with her own mom than with her MIL! I would HATE to think that my MIL wants me to treat her like she's my own mother - I have my own mother. And she might not want to do the gendered thing (girls out for drinks, men home to watch sports!) with her husband's family, even if she does it with her own.

It really does feel like a conversation could help things - or could not. But OP, I think it's really good that you want to develop a closer relationship with your DIL. I hope it will be possible to do so.

Oh my goodness. That's a real reach. My husband only ever drinks one drink because alcohol gives him a headache. I've heard him down drinks by saying, "Thanks, but I've already had one, and I tend to get really bad headaches with more than one." That's not a judgment, it's a simple explanation. It's context.

Wow, some of you are so inclined to believe the very worst of people. Shall we assume the very worst of you, that you are hypersensitive about drinking because you are self-conscious about drinking too much? How's that for a reach? Fair's fair...

I am the PP - and I also can't drink because of headaches. That's what I tell people, too. Because it's nice to offer an explanation that doesn't sound like you think they're a bunch of lushes.

Also how am I believing the worst of anyone?! What am I even believing?! I don't believe anything!

So “No thanks, I’ve already had a glass of red wine” was “rude” because she didn’t detail the potential consequences? You needed her to specify that “drinking hard liquor after red wine tends to give me the runs,” or “if I drink tequila on top of red wine, I’ll probably vomit”? You needed full disclosure, you needed her to “go there,” and that would have been polite?!

You clearly feel very strongly about this. I'm just saying that there are ways to say things that will probably leave people feeling less like you're rejecting them, as OP apparently feels. But obviously there is no strict rule, and say whatever makes you feel comfortable - who cares how anyone else feels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP here (and no, I am nit a Boomer),
It does not take much to be polite. It sounds like OP is trying. DIL can grow up and do the same.

OP, I would ask DD about it. Yes, I know I many will say I should ask DS (spouse) first, but I would self check myself to see if I’m reading too much into things first.

Hope it gets better. DH and I have a good relationship with our respective ILs and it will really bother me if we don’t have the same in the future.

In what universe is saying “No, thank you; I already had a glass of red wine” not polite? She politely declined and gave a perfectly good reason. (Not that she owed anyone a reason.)

Ehhhh it does sound a little judgy. Like the implication is that anyone else having more than one drink shouldn't be.

The thing about her going to drinks with her mom but not with OP - I can see why OP would crave this sort of thing, but also why OP would be different with her own mom than with her MIL! I would HATE to think that my MIL wants me to treat her like she's my own mother - I have my own mother. And she might not want to do the gendered thing (girls out for drinks, men home to watch sports!) with her husband's family, even if she does it with her own.

It really does feel like a conversation could help things - or could not. But OP, I think it's really good that you want to develop a closer relationship with your DIL. I hope it will be possible to do so.

Oh my goodness. That's a real reach. My husband only ever drinks one drink because alcohol gives him a headache. I've heard him down drinks by saying, "Thanks, but I've already had one, and I tend to get really bad headaches with more than one." That's not a judgment, it's a simple explanation. It's context.

Wow, some of you are so inclined to believe the very worst of people. Shall we assume the very worst of you, that you are hypersensitive about drinking because you are self-conscious about drinking too much? How's that for a reach? Fair's fair...

I am the PP - and I also can't drink because of headaches. That's what I tell people, too. Because it's nice to offer an explanation that doesn't sound like you think they're a bunch of lushes.

Also how am I believing the worst of anyone?! What am I even believing?! I don't believe anything!

So “No thanks, I’ve already had a glass of red wine” was “rude” because she didn’t detail the potential consequences? You needed her to specify that “drinking hard liquor after red wine tends to give me the runs,” or “if I drink tequila on top of red wine, I’ll probably vomit”? You needed full disclosure, you needed her to “go there,” and that would have been polite?!

You clearly feel very strongly about this. I'm just saying that there are ways to say things that will probably leave people feeling less like you're rejecting them, as OP apparently feels. But obviously there is no strict rule, and say whatever makes you feel comfortable - who cares how anyone else feels.

DIL said thank you and offered what she clearly felt was a good reason. That’s that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP here (and no, I am nit a Boomer),
It does not take much to be polite. It sounds like OP is trying. DIL can grow up and do the same.

OP, I would ask DD about it. Yes, I know I many will say I should ask DS (spouse) first, but I would self check myself to see if I’m reading too much into things first.

Hope it gets better. DH and I have a good relationship with our respective ILs and it will really bother me if we don’t have the same in the future.

In what universe is saying “No, thank you; I already had a glass of red wine” not polite? She politely declined and gave a perfectly good reason. (Not that she owed anyone a reason.)

Ehhhh it does sound a little judgy. Like the implication is that anyone else having more than one drink shouldn't be.

The thing about her going to drinks with her mom but not with OP - I can see why OP would crave this sort of thing, but also why OP would be different with her own mom than with her MIL! I would HATE to think that my MIL wants me to treat her like she's my own mother - I have my own mother. And she might not want to do the gendered thing (girls out for drinks, men home to watch sports!) with her husband's family, even if she does it with her own.

It really does feel like a conversation could help things - or could not. But OP, I think it's really good that you want to develop a closer relationship with your DIL. I hope it will be possible to do so.

Oh my goodness. That's a real reach. My husband only ever drinks one drink because alcohol gives him a headache. I've heard him down drinks by saying, "Thanks, but I've already had one, and I tend to get really bad headaches with more than one." That's not a judgment, it's a simple explanation. It's context.

Wow, some of you are so inclined to believe the very worst of people. Shall we assume the very worst of you, that you are hypersensitive about drinking because you are self-conscious about drinking too much? How's that for a reach? Fair's fair...

I am the PP - and I also can't drink because of headaches. That's what I tell people, too. Because it's nice to offer an explanation that doesn't sound like you think they're a bunch of lushes.

Also how am I believing the worst of anyone?! What am I even believing?! I don't believe anything!

dp.. I can't drink because I'm allergic to alcohol. It makes me vomit. I don't need to tell everyone who offers me a drink why I decline their offer of a drink. You are making someone declining your offer too personally. Some folks have private reasons why they decline something. Get over it. It's not all about you.

Why are people on this thread so nuts? Who said it's about me even a little? In my 50 years of living I have learned that people often feel better when they have some explanation that doesn't leave them guessing why you are saying no to something. I guess your experience is different - imagine that!

What? Read your own post. You are needy. Why do you feel that someone needs to explain to you why they don't want to drink your margarita. If I was at your house, and you offered me that margarita, I'd say, "no, I'm good, thank you." Are you telling me that you'd get offended at that?

Why do you feel that people should explain to you why they are turning down your offer? It's because you are too sensitive and needy. I'm thinking your DIL might not engage with you often because she senses your neediness.

I'm 53, btw, so I've lived a bit longer than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To play Devil's (MIL's, j/k) advocate: DIL could have been more tactful, e.g., "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I had a glass of wine already. I don't want to risk a hangover, but thank you again. I'll have your famous apple pie instead."

This is a really elaborate script to protect MIL's feelings. Since MIL is hurting her own feelings for no reason, I think this is over-the-top.

Flip it: "Oh, DIL, I am so very sorry for not noticing that you were drinking wine tonight instead of mixed drinks. I cannot believe I would offer you a drink that would exacerbate a hangover and lead to a bad morning for you. I will be sure to get up early to make a big breakfast to take the edge off as penance!"

These are idiotic scripts where one side has to assume the other is insane and possibly armed. In the real world "do you want a margarita?" "No thanks, I've already had a red wine" is a perfectly acceptable, polite interaction. No one is in the wrong until one person decides to take offense for no reason.

It's not a script. We all do social lubrication, even with our family members.

You're overlubricating. No thanks is social lubrication. Giving an explanation to soften the no ("I've already started on wine") is social lubrication. You're playing some kind of preemptive defense against unwarranted attack, which is way above and beyond unless your family members are insane, drunk, and armed to the teeth.

If I know my MIL did something thoughtful - made margaritas because I like them, I'd rather overlubricate to show appreciation and keep peace. It's like receiving gifts - the thought that matters.

How would the DIL know that the MIL made them specifically for the DIL because she liked them?

In any case, it's fine to say, "Thank you, but I'm good" in a non rude way. People say it all the time.

Why does anyone have to justify for declining something, and be overly profuse about their thanks. That's just over the top and tells me that some people need to have their ego stroked, or something.

+1

[Anonymous]

Saying she had wine before *was* a reason OP. Most of us can't drink liquor after wine or beer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team OP here (and no, I am nit a Boomer),
It does not take much to be polite. It sounds like OP is trying. DIL can grow up and do the same.

OP, I would ask DD about it. Yes, I know I many will say I should ask DS (spouse) first, but I would self check myself to see if I’m reading too much into things first.

Hope it gets better. DH and I have a good relationship with our respective ILs and it will really bother me if we don’t have the same in the future.

Cool story. And the DIL did nothing impolite, so your point is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To play Devil's (MIL's, j/k) advocate: DIL could have been more tactful, e.g., "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I had a glass of wine already. I don't want to risk a hangover, but thank you again. I'll have your famous apple pie instead."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP here (and no, I am nit a Boomer),
It does not take much to be polite. It sounds like OP is trying. DIL can grow up and do the same.

OP, I would ask DD about it. Yes, I know I many will say I should ask DS (spouse) first, but I would self check myself to see if I’m reading too much into things first.

Hope it gets better. DH and I have a good relationship with our respective ILs and it will really bother me if we don’t have the same in the future.

In what universe is saying “No, thank you; I already had a glass of red wine” not polite? She politely declined and gave a perfectly good reason. (Not that she owed anyone a reason.)

Ehhhh it does sound a little judgy. Like the implication is that anyone else having more than one drink shouldn't be.

The thing about her going to drinks with her mom but not with OP - I can see why OP would crave this sort of thing, but also why OP would be different with her own mom than with her MIL! I would HATE to think that my MIL wants me to treat her like she's my own mother - I have my own mother. And she might not want to do the gendered thing (girls out for drinks, men home to watch sports!) with her husband's family, even if she does it with her own.

It really does feel like a conversation could help things - or could not. But OP, I think it's really good that you want to develop a closer relationship with your DIL. I hope it will be possible to do so.

Nope. Only a problem drinker would think that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To play Devil's (MIL's, j/k) advocate: DIL could have been more tactful, e.g., "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I had a glass of wine already. I don't want to risk a hangover, but thank you again. I'll have your famous apple pie instead."

This is a really elaborate script to protect MIL's feelings. Since MIL is hurting her own feelings for no reason, I think this is over-the-top.

Flip it: "Oh, DIL, I am so very sorry for not noticing that you were drinking wine tonight instead of mixed drinks. I cannot believe I would offer you a drink that would exacerbate a hangover and lead to a bad morning for you. I will be sure to get up early to make a big breakfast to take the edge off as penance!"

These are idiotic scripts where one side has to assume the other is insane and possibly armed. In the real world "do you want a margarita?" "No thanks, I've already had a red wine" is a perfectly acceptable, polite interaction. No one is in the wrong until one person decides to take offense for no reason.

It's not a script. We all do social lubrication, even with our family members.

Did you write the quoted PP? Because it’s absolutely ridiculous.

MIL needs to grow so very much up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To play Devil's (MIL's, j/k) advocate: DIL could have been more tactful, e.g., "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I had a glass of wine already. I don't want to risk a hangover, but thank you again. I'll have your famous apple pie instead."

This is a really elaborate script to protect MIL's feelings. Since MIL is hurting her own feelings for no reason, I think this is over-the-top.

Flip it: "Oh, DIL, I am so very sorry for not noticing that you were drinking wine tonight instead of mixed drinks. I cannot believe I would offer you a drink that would exacerbate a hangover and lead to a bad morning for you. I will be sure to get up early to make a big breakfast to take the edge off as penance!"

These are idiotic scripts where one side has to assume the other is insane and possibly armed. In the real world "do you want a margarita?" "No thanks, I've already had a red wine" is a perfectly acceptable, polite interaction. No one is in the wrong until one person decides to take offense for no reason.

It's not a script. We all do social lubrication, even with our family members.

You're overlubricating. No thanks is social lubrication. Giving an explanation to soften the no ("I've already started on wine") is social lubrication. You're playing some kind of preemptive defense against unwarranted attack, which is way above and beyond unless your family members are insane, drunk, and armed to the teeth.

"No thanks" is perfunctory and can be rude. Like ending a text with a period. (And no I am not a millennial or younger.)

"No thanks - ah, I so appreciate you making these, but I am heading toward a migraine," is designed to let the other person know that you see and appreciate - and that you aren't rejecting their overture just to be a pill. You could also just accept the glass and take a sip and toss out the rest, discreetly.

It doesn't do any harm to try to make people feel good.

Your entire post is over the top and absurd. You sound just like childish MIL OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To play Devil's (MIL's, j/k) advocate: DIL could have been more tactful, e.g., "Oh, thank you so much for thinking of me, but I had a glass of wine already. I don't want to risk a hangover, but thank you again. I'll have your famous apple pie instead."

This is a really elaborate script to protect MIL's feelings. Since MIL is hurting her own feelings for no reason, I think this is over-the-top.

Flip it: "Oh, DIL, I am so very sorry for not noticing that you were drinking wine tonight instead of mixed drinks. I cannot believe I would offer you a drink that would exacerbate a hangover and lead to a bad morning for you. I will be sure to get up early to make a big breakfast to take the edge off as penance!"

These are idiotic scripts where one side has to assume the other is insane and possibly armed. In the real world "do you want a margarita?" "No thanks, I've already had a red wine" is a perfectly acceptable, polite interaction. No one is in the wrong until one person decides to take offense for no reason.

It's not a script. We all do social lubrication, even with our family members.

You're overlubricating. No thanks is social lubrication. Giving an explanation to soften the no ("I've already started on wine") is social lubrication. You're playing some kind of preemptive defense against unwarranted attack, which is way above and beyond unless your family members are insane, drunk, and armed to the teeth.

If I know my MIL did something thoughtful - made margaritas because I like them, I'd rather overlubricate to show appreciation and keep peace. It's like receiving gifts - the thought that matters.

How would the DIL know that the MIL made them specifically for the DIL because she liked them?

In any case, it's fine to say, "Thank you, but I'm good" in a non rude way. People say it all the time.

Why does anyone have to justify for declining something, and be overly profuse about their thanks. That's just over the top and tells me that some people need to have their ego stroked, or something.

Yes, that is what OP needs. She is feeling rejected by her DIL - and the example she gave is that she mixed a pitcher of what she thinks is DIL's favorite drink, and DIL just turned it down without really giving a reason. (Plenty of people have wine and a cocktail, so saying that you've had one glass of wine isn't actually an explanation.)

Who does it hurt to try to make your MIL feel like you aren't rejecting her, even if you think people shouldn't need their egos stroked or their hurt feelings mollified? Why is it so terrible to say, "THANK you for doing this! I wish I could have one, they look great, but I just can't do it tonight."

And you continue to double down on your absurdity again and again. Amazing,

[Anonymous]

I have never known anyone who insisted on an explanation who didn't then start arguing with the explanation. This is why "No, thank you" is better if what you're delivering is a hard no.

This comes up elsewhere on the board, "Sorry, Larla won't be able to come to the party because Kevin will be out of town, so I'll be wrangling both kids by myself. I hope Ryleigh has a great day!" opens the door to ways Larla could come anyway -- it's a drop-off party, the sibling is welcome, etc.

People who seek offense, like OP, are going to keep being offended because they are always going to figure out a way that someone's preferences are a personal attack. And you know what? If this is how OP acts, her DIL may not like her anymore, even if she once did, because nothing the DIL does is going to be enough affirmation for OP.