How to handle? Tough-to-coach kid with a family tragedy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I was friends with the person who passed and not as close to the surviving spouse.
There are only x spots. It's not like other people just join a new team.
My DH agrees with you all, and I do too, I get it. The issue is, he's not the final arbiter. He isn't the league manager. But he has a say and is now kind of caught trying to make a case for this.
Death was sudden and the "coachable" complaints long predate anything happening.

If your DH isn’t the arbiter, he can give the league manager his input and then whatever happens his conscience is clear. Obviously he can make the league manager aware of her personal situation, but if the kid has long been seen as difficult and uncoachable the league manager might not be swayed. Does your DH know whether this sport is something that she loves, is she super close to her teammates, is she a lot less skilled vs. someone that would have just come up short in making the team? All of these things would be relevant for him to argue for her to get a spot (or if the answer to all these things is no, he can see why the league manager may not want keep her out of pity).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would only keep her if you can have an extra spot on the team to keep her. Devastating some other kid and cutting them is not the right answer either.

Or agree you make her the manager. Or you personally transition her to another team and environment that's more appropriate for you. Time to get creative. There is a solution that does not involve F-ing over some other kid.

By the way, if she is less skilled and makes the team anyway the other kids all know it and they will know she got kept on the team because of her personal situation and they likely won't be kind about it. Not sure you're doing her any favors.

What sort of monster are you raising? If you have a kid who ends up maybe not making team because the coaches accommodated a girl whose mother died, I would hope that you would put that into perspective. There are worse reasons for not making a team that people accept all the time--like the kid being the child of a coach.

Kids that age are developmentally very self-absorbed. They also end to have a very black and white view of right and wrong. You can be histrionic about it but when those kids are alone and there are no parents around to mediate the conversation, they will think it's F-ed up that some deserving friend of theirs got cut. From what the OP portrayed, this girl isn't even on the bubble. She clearly wouldn't make the team if not for this circumstance.

There are other ways to show kindness. Find another one. Not suggesting the girl get cut and that's the end of it. Make her the manager or give her an extra spot and make it clear to her she won't get a lot of playing time but she's welcome to develop skills at practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I was friends with the person who passed and not as close to the surviving spouse.
There are only x spots. It's not like other people just join a new team.
My DH agrees with you all, and I do too, I get it. The issue is, he's not the final arbiter. He isn't the league manager. But he has a say and is now kind of caught trying to make a case for this.
Death was sudden and the "coachable" complaints long predate anything happening.

If your DH isn’t the arbiter, he can give the league manager his input and then whatever happens his conscience is clear. Obviously he can make the league manager aware of her personal situation, but if the kid has long been seen as difficult and uncoachable the league manager might not be swayed. Does your DH know whether this sport is something that she loves, is she super close to her teammates, is she a lot less skilled vs. someone that would have just come up short in making the team? All of these things would be relevant for him to argue for her to get a spot (or if the answer to all these things is no, he can see why the league manager may not want keep her out of pity).

If I were the DH, and "gave my input" and the manager cut her, he'd be looking for a new coach.

[Anonymous]

The clear answer is just make a freaking extra spot on the roster. It's not the Olympics. It's 6th grade. You can make an extra spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be ok with the other kids “knowing why” she made the team. It’s a good lesson in empathy that some of the other adults on this site could learn from. No one will know which specific kid got cut because of this girl. Lots of girls won’t make it. They aren’t choosing a team of 10 girls out of 11 options.

It's a thin line between empathy and pity

That’s fine. It’s still demonstrating the appropriate action to the kids, even if they don’t internalize it until they are older. Be the change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I was friends with the person who passed and not as close to the surviving spouse.
There are only x spots. It's not like other people just join a new team.
My DH agrees with you all, and I do too, I get it. The issue is, he's not the final arbiter. He isn't the league manager. But he has a say and is now kind of caught trying to make a case for this.
Death was sudden and the "coachable" complaints long predate anything happening.

If your DH isn’t the arbiter, he can give the league manager his input and then whatever happens his conscience is clear. Obviously he can make the league manager aware of her personal situation, but if the kid has long been seen as difficult and uncoachable the league manager might not be swayed. Does your DH know whether this sport is something that she loves, is she super close to her teammates, is she a lot less skilled vs. someone that would have just come up short in making the team? All of these things would be relevant for him to argue for her to get a spot (or if the answer to all these things is no, he can see why the league manager may not want keep her out of pity).

If I were the DH, and "gave my input" and the manager cut her, he'd be looking for a new coach.

+1

[Anonymous]

My god people. How would you want your adolescent child treated if you dropped dead next week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. We are talking about a young child who recently lost her mother. Middle school is hard enough as is, but to lose your mother, and be cut from a team you have played on for many years. Please, treat her as you would like your kid to be treated, and keep her on the team this year. You will never know, but it could make all the difference in her life.

Or maybe she hates basketball and she can't believe she's being forced to play even when she's miserable about her mom. We don't know. The coach should talk to her. "You don't seem to be improving. Do you WANT to continue playing? Because if not, we can make you team manager, or I am happy to talk to your father for you."

Some of you will go to great lengths to justify your heartlessness. Parents don’t force a lackluster kid to keep at a sport for years, let alone after a parent’s death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My god people. How would you want your adolescent child treated if you dropped dead next week?

+1

This thread honestly shocks me. These girls are 11 years old. WTH is wrong with people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would only keep her if you can have an extra spot on the team to keep her. Devastating some other kid and cutting them is not the right answer either.

Or agree you make her the manager. Or you personally transition her to another team and environment that's more appropriate for you. Time to get creative. There is a solution that does not involve F-ing over some other kid.

By the way, if she is less skilled and makes the team anyway the other kids all know it and they will know she got kept on the team because of her personal situation and they likely won't be kind about it. Not sure you're doing her any favors.

Read this twice, OP.

Read it three times and realize that, by cutting this girl, you would be like this poster. And you would have to look her widowed father in the eye and yourself in the mirror.

Nothing happens in a vacuum.

First, there is a girl that should have made the team on merit. She is collateral damage.

Second, there are the other girls on the team that will have to deal with the uncoachable and/or unruly behavior. Potentially disrupting practices, games, and the entire season.

Third, the girl who lost her mother will have a challenging season playing with and against athletes who are superior to her. There is an opportunity cost to her playing at this level, where she will not improve as much compared to if she played as the appropriate skill-level. Additionally, a year where you are clearly the worst player on the team will often result in the person leaving the sport. It happens ALL THE TIME at the middle school level.

You think adding her to the team is a kindness; it is not. It's not kind to anyone, including the poor girl who lost her mother

+a million. Keeping her on the team might make the situation even worse. Not to mention, what if she does stay and another girl who is going through a similar or even worse situation but is more talented gets cut? That wouldn’t be fair to the kid getting cut. Best case ask for an extra roster spot or make her manager. Worse case move her to a lower team to give her a chance to play without having to cut someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My god people. How would you want your adolescent child treated if you dropped dead next week?

+1

This thread honestly shocks me. These girls are 11 years old. WTH is wrong with people?

Sports parents are the biggest a.holes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. We are talking about a young child who recently lost her mother. Middle school is hard enough as is, but to lose your mother, and be cut from a team you have played on for many years. Please, treat her as you would like your kid to be treated, and keep her on the team this year. You will never know, but it could make all the difference in her life.

Or maybe she hates basketball and she can't believe she's being forced to play even when she's miserable about her mom. We don't know. The coach should talk to her. "You don't seem to be improving. Do you WANT to continue playing? Because if not, we can make you team manager, or I am happy to talk to your father for you."

Some of you will go to great lengths to justify your heartlessness. Parents don’t force a lackluster kid to keep at a sport for years, let alone after a parent’s death.

Parents force kids to play sports they aren’t that great at all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would only keep her if you can have an extra spot on the team to keep her. Devastating some other kid and cutting them is not the right answer either.

Or agree you make her the manager. Or you personally transition her to another team and environment that's more appropriate for you. Time to get creative. There is a solution that does not involve F-ing over some other kid.

By the way, if she is less skilled and makes the team anyway the other kids all know it and they will know she got kept on the team because of her personal situation and they likely won't be kind about it. Not sure you're doing her any favors.

What sort of monster are you raising? If you have a kid who ends up maybe not making team because the coaches accommodated a girl whose mother died, I would hope that you would put that into perspective. There are worse reasons for not making a team that people accept all the time--like the kid being the child of a coach.

Kids that age are developmentally very self-absorbed. They also end to have a very black and white view of right and wrong. You can be histrionic about it but when those kids are alone and there are no parents around to mediate the conversation, they will think it's F-ed up that some deserving friend of theirs got cut. From what the OP portrayed, this girl isn't even on the bubble. She clearly wouldn't make the team if not for this circumstance.

There are other ways to show kindness. Find another one. Not suggesting the girl get cut and that's the end of it. Make her the manager or give her an extra spot and make it clear to her she won't get a lot of playing time but she's welcome to develop skills at practice.

Then, if after a season she hasn’t improved, talk to the dad and say that she will most likely be on a lower team the following season.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's youth sports with 11 year olds. Unless these kids are training for the Olympics you don't cut this kid. Other deserving kid can find a spot on a different team. JFC - this is not hard.

But what if the other kid is too discouraged or their parents don’t allow them find a spot on another team?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's youth sports with 11 year olds. Unless these kids are training for the Olympics you don't cut this kid. Other deserving kid can find a spot on a different team. JFC - this is not hard.

But what if the other kid is too discouraged or their parents don’t allow them find a spot on another team?

I hope the kids two still alive parents can help them figure it out.