How to handle? Tough-to-coach kid with a family tragedy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this softball or lacrosse? I can’t think of another sport with parent coaches and cuts.

If it’s a team where a parent coach submits a set roster to the league (basketball comes to mind) and there are only X teams with Y kids permitted and you have one guaranteed team slot, that’s going to be a mess. If teams are unlimited but roster spots are capped, recruit enough girls for a second team and split the team.

Bottom line, you can’t cut this girl and maybe roster somehow needs to be expanded. One extra kid will not ruin everything and if it’s a league with limited roster spots permitted, this kind of thing will happen every year/season and is a good reason to NOT have parent coaches after elementary school.

The age and time of the year line up with county basketball. I would not carry too many kids because there isn’t enough playing time to go around (regardless of sport). Just cut some kid you don’t know. Your DH is volunteering a ton of time, so he gets to make roster decisions

Yup, sounds like its tryouts for a MS basketball team.

Which, I get; they are competitive.

But it will be better for her to play rec if she's not going to succeed as the more competitive level. Giving her a spot on a team where all her teammates and all her competitors are better than her is more cruel in the long run.

Rec basketball is great for the rec player. Playing time requirements and most kids experience some success on the court

Most FCYBL teams are not strong top to bottom and if the girl's friends are all on the team, playing with kids she doesn't know in rec isn't great. It's up to the coach, but he can just cut a player that goes to a different school from these girls and be done with it

[Anonymous]

If I were your DH, I’d do absolutely everything in my power to keep the girl on the team this year. Really go to the mat on this if needed.

I totally understand the nature of competitive sports but it just isn’t the time to be cutting this girl. Sometimes these things work themselves out long term- kids change interests, schools, new teams form etc…so maybe the problem will solve itself by next year. It is a long way away. At minimum, the girl will be hopefully be feeling stronger then, and more able to handle any changes.

But this year? Cutting the girl would make the coaching staff quite….monstrous. Cruel. It is 6th grade, not varsity FFS. Be glad the girls are still young enough that a courtesy can be extended to her and the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No question. She should not get offered a spot on the team.

Coach has a responsibility to the entire team, not just to this one girl.

She can have a fine season (and presumably a more successful season against lesser competition) playing Rec

You are wrong. These are children. Have some compassion and awareness of youth mental health and depression risk, etc.

[Anonymous]

I want to know more about what you mean by uncoachable. Is it behavior issues? If so, are they like those listed above? Or like meltdowns that threaten others kids' safety and ability to participate?

Or is she "uncoachable" in the sense that she doesn't seem to be able to incorporate feedback and get better - her skills don't progress despite the coaching.

To me those are entirely different categories of what uncoachable means, and warrant different outcomes. I'd probably keep her unless we're talking about severe behavior issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this softball or lacrosse? I can’t think of another sport with parent coaches and cuts.

If it’s a team where a parent coach submits a set roster to the league (basketball comes to mind) and there are only X teams with Y kids permitted and you have one guaranteed team slot, that’s going to be a mess. If teams are unlimited but roster spots are capped, recruit enough girls for a second team and split the team.

Bottom line, you can’t cut this girl and maybe roster somehow needs to be expanded. One extra kid will not ruin everything and if it’s a league with limited roster spots permitted, this kind of thing will happen every year/season and is a good reason to NOT have parent coaches after elementary school.

The age and time of the year line up with county basketball. I would not carry too many kids because there isn’t enough playing time to go around (regardless of sport). Just cut some kid you don’t know. Your DH is volunteering a ton of time, so he gets to make roster decisions

Yup, sounds like its tryouts for a MS basketball team.

Which, I get; they are competitive.

But it will be better for her to play rec if she's not going to succeed as the more competitive level. Giving her a spot on a team where all her teammates and all her competitors are better than her is more cruel in the long run.

Rec basketball is great for the rec player. Playing time requirements and most kids experience some success on the court

Rec bsaketball is great for a rec player. No question about that.
But being on a team with a good friend and a coach who knows you and your family well is far, far more important for a grieving 11 year old than the comparative basketball abilities of her teammates.

[Anonymous]

This is not the Olympics. Please do everything possible to keep this girl on the team.

Failure to do so would encapsulate everything that’s wrong with youth sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I was friends with the person who passed and not as close to the surviving spouse.
There are only x spots. It's not like other people just join a new team.
My DH agrees with you all, and I do too, I get it. The issue is, he's not the final arbiter. He isn't the league manager. But he has a say and is now kind of caught trying to make a case for this.
Death was sudden and the "coachable" complaints long predate anything happening.

So he goes to the league manager and convinces them to expand the roster one time so a newly motherless child can have the comfort of playing on a team with friends and caring adults. For one season.

I disagree with the PPs who think this is why there should be no parent coaches for 11 or 12 yr olds. If having parent coaches means some compassion is occasionally extended to a grieving child, then it’s the right system.

I wouldn’t want to be part of a system that would cut this child loose right now.

+1 for one season.

At some point conversations with her dad this winter about whether she is likely to return the following year based on behavior and ability.

Bingo! She gets a spot this year. She might not play much, but the companionship could make all the difference in her life.

[Anonymous]

As a parent with children who have experienced family tragedy, the seriousness assigned to kid’s sporting events and the associated politics are mind boggling. While I admit I was once enraptured with the excitement of games and teams, it has quickly become something I view as trivial and petty. People become so consumed by their children’s sporting “careers” even as elementary and middle schoolers that they become unable to see the larger picture. The larger picture includes sports as a healthy physical and social outlet for kids who are facing tremendous loss, stress and sadness. It can also be such an outlet for a kid who is simply shy or struggling socially. Be a voice of reason and compassion and advocate for a girl who is suffering—model thoughtfulness and compassion for your own child and the adults as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No question. She should not get offered a spot on the team.

Coach has a responsibility to the entire team, not just to this one girl.

She can have a fine season (and presumably a more successful season against lesser competition) playing Rec

You are wrong. These are children. Have some compassion and awareness of youth mental health and depression risk, etc.

I do. And assuming this is actually a truly competitive league, having her go a full season where she barely gets playing team, doesn't score, gets beat on defense, and has to hear rumors of "why she made the team", having her play at ability-appropriate level is the kind and compassionate thing to do

[Anonymous]

I would cut her and sleep like a baby. Everyone has stuff they are going through. If there is a standard and she doesn't meet it then she should be cut. If there is some discretion then you can be kind. But it's fine if the kid gets cut. Sometimes you get dealt a bad hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would cut her and sleep like a baby. Everyone has stuff they are going through. If there is a standard and she doesn't meet it then she should be cut. If there is some discretion then you can be kind. But it's fine if the kid gets cut. Sometimes you get dealt a bad hand.

I didn't realize Putin read DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Examples of uncoachable at this age:

Screaming “I know!!!l” when giving a reminder of something player regularly forget.

Screaming “I didn’t!” when giving a correction on a mistake that was made.

Also whining a lot about playing time or position assignments. We get this all the time.

that’s not “uncoachable.” that is annoying behavior you could address.

If the annoying behavior has been addressed repeatedly and the player continues it anyway, they become uncoachable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Examples of uncoachable at this age:

Screaming “I know!!!l” when giving a reminder of something player regularly forget.

Screaming “I didn’t!” when giving a correction on a mistake that was made.

Also whining a lot about playing time or position assignments. We get this all the time.

that’s not “uncoachable.” that is annoying behavior you could address.

If the annoying behavior has been addressed repeatedly and the player continues it anyway, they become uncoachable.

+100
It's easy for people to type nonsense about keeping this girl on the team. It requires no work on her part. This girl has a lot of problems. Keeping her on a team that she shouldn't be on is not helpful.
OP get her off the team and move on.

[Anonymous]

How long ago did the parent die?? If it was over the summer, I'd say cut her. If it was within the month, keep her for one more season but make her the team manager or something random so an actual player can play.

[Anonymous]

11 years old