How to handle? Tough-to-coach kid with a family tragedy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would only keep her if you can have an extra spot on the team to keep her. Devastating some other kid and cutting them is not the right answer either.

Or agree you make her the manager. Or you personally transition her to another team and environment that's more appropriate for you. Time to get creative. There is a solution that does not involve F-ing over some other kid.

By the way, if she is less skilled and makes the team anyway the other kids all know it and they will know she got kept on the team because of her personal situation and they likely won't be kind about it. Not sure you're doing her any favors.

Read this twice, OP.

Read it three times and realize that, by cutting this girl, you would be like this poster. And you would have to look her widowed father in the eye and yourself in the mirror.

Nothing happens in a vacuum.

First, there is a girl that should have made the team on merit. She is collateral damage.

Second, there are the other girls on the team that will have to deal with the uncoachable and/or unruly behavior. Potentially disrupting practices, games, and the entire season.

Third, the girl who lost her mother will have a challenging season playing with and against athletes who are superior to her. There is an opportunity cost to her playing at this level, where she will not improve as much compared to if she played as the appropriate skill-level. Additionally, a year where you are clearly the worst player on the team will often result in the person leaving the sport. It happens ALL THE TIME at the middle school level.

You think adding her to the team is a kindness; it is not. It's not kind to anyone, including the poor girl who lost her mother

These are all your insensitive projections. You want to cut out a kid who has been on this team for years lest your snowflake misses a spot. It’s kids sports, it’s not the national team. Continuing this activity is critical for this girls mental health. Cut her next season if you must.

DP, but you seem to be projecting here as well. You have no way of knowing if participation in this sport is critical for her mental health. What if she doesn’t really love the sport, or get along with her teammates. We all can engage in speculation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were your DH, I’d do absolutely everything in my power to keep the girl on the team this year. Really go to the mat on this if needed.

I totally understand the nature of competitive sports but it just isn’t the time to be cutting this girl. Sometimes these things work themselves out long term- kids change interests, schools, new teams form etc…so maybe the problem will solve itself by next year. It is a long way away. At minimum, the girl will be hopefully be feeling stronger then, and more able to handle any changes.

But this year? Cutting the girl would make the coaching staff quite….monstrous. Cruel. It is 6th grade, not varsity FFS. Be glad the girls are still young enough that a courtesy can be extended to her and the family.

+1

Yeah, I get that it's "unfair" to the girl who would lose her spot to a less skilled player. You know what else is unfair? Your mother dying suddenly when you're 11. The whole point of youth sports is to teach character, team work, integrity, etc. If my kid were the one cut, I hope I'd have the integrity to empathize with her and also remind her of what's truly important in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's youth sports with 11 year olds. Unless these kids are training for the Olympics you don't cut this kid. Other deserving kid can find a spot on a different team. JFC - this is not hard.

+1000
Why are you involved and why is this a question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This entire thread makes me vomit. Kids sports are out of control and the parents that contribute to this are horrible people.

+1 sickening some of these responses.

+1
I would think really poorly of the coach family if they cut the girl in real life. Really poorly.

[Anonymous]

6th graders? I’ve yet to see a team at this age group- no matter how elite- that is entirely merit based. Ever. With teams this age, there are pretty much always some kids who are kept around for other reasons “they’ve always been on the team” “but her dad coaches!” “his older brother is a really good player…he will come around” “they are our neighbors!” “she’s short now but she’s going to be tall- look at her parents” “she’s best friends with my kid” etc etc etc

Cut the girl if you really want to, but FFS at least be honest with yourself. Kids this age get roster spots all.the.time. due to external factors. It is absolutely hilarious that anyone would pretend otherwise. As far as external factors go, the recent death of a parent seems as good as any other.

And yes- if it were me, I’d keep the girl on the team this year. Not even a question.

[Anonymous]

I’d be ok with the other kids “knowing why” she made the team. It’s a good lesson in empathy that some of the other adults on this site could learn from. No one will know which specific kid got cut because of this girl. Lots of girls won’t make it. They aren’t choosing a team of 10 girls out of 11 options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would only keep her if you can have an extra spot on the team to keep her. Devastating some other kid and cutting them is not the right answer either.

Or agree you make her the manager. Or you personally transition her to another team and environment that's more appropriate for you. Time to get creative. There is a solution that does not involve F-ing over some other kid.

By the way, if she is less skilled and makes the team anyway the other kids all know it and they will know she got kept on the team because of her personal situation and they likely won't be kind about it. Not sure you're doing her any favors.

Read this twice, OP.

Read it three times and realize that, by cutting this girl, you would be like this poster. And you would have to look her widowed father in the eye and yourself in the mirror.

Nothing happens in a vacuum.

First, there is a girl that should have made the team on merit. She is collateral damage.

Second, there are the other girls on the team that will have to deal with the uncoachable and/or unruly behavior. Potentially disrupting practices, games, and the entire season.

Third, the girl who lost her mother will have a challenging season playing with and against athletes who are superior to her. There is an opportunity cost to her playing at this level, where she will not improve as much compared to if she played as the appropriate skill-level. Additionally, a year where you are clearly the worst player on the team will often result in the person leaving the sport. It happens ALL THE TIME at the middle school level.

You think adding her to the team is a kindness; it is not. It's not kind to anyone, including the poor girl who lost her mother

These are all your insensitive projections. You want to cut out a kid who has been on this team for years lest your snowflake misses a spot. It’s kids sports, it’s not the national team. Continuing this activity is critical for this girls mental health. Cut her next season if you must.

DP, but you seem to be projecting here as well. You have no way of knowing if participation in this sport is critical for her mental health. What if she doesn’t really love the sport, or get along with her teammates. We all can engage in speculation.

I don’t think I am projecting at all. She has been on the team for years and she is trying out this year again. Clearly this is important to her and an opportunity to be in an activity she enjoys with long time friends. It will help provide stability, exercise, support and a distraction during a devastating time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would only keep her if you can have an extra spot on the team to keep her. Devastating some other kid and cutting them is not the right answer either.

Or agree you make her the manager. Or you personally transition her to another team and environment that's more appropriate for you. Time to get creative. There is a solution that does not involve F-ing over some other kid.

By the way, if she is less skilled and makes the team anyway the other kids all know it and they will know she got kept on the team because of her personal situation and they likely won't be kind about it. Not sure you're doing her any favors.

Read this twice, OP.

Read it three times and realize that, by cutting this girl, you would be like this poster. And you would have to look her widowed father in the eye and yourself in the mirror.

Nothing happens in a vacuum. First, there is a girl that should have made the team on merit. She is collateral damage.

Second, there are the other girls on the team that will have to deal with the uncoachable and/or unruly behavior. Potentially disrupting practices, games, and the entire season.

Third, the girl who lost her mother will have a challenging season playing with and against athletes who are superior to her. There is an opportunity cost to her playing at this level, where she will not improve as much compared to if she played as the appropriate skill-level. Additionally, a year where you are clearly the worst player on the team will often result in the person leaving the sport. It happens ALL THE TIME at the middle school level.

You think adding her to the team is a kindness; it is not. It's not kind to anyone, including the poor girl who lost her mother

These are all your insensitive projections. You want to cut out a kid who has been on this team for years lest your snowflake misses a spot. It’s kids sports, it’s not the national team. Continuing this activity is critical for this girls mental health. Cut her next season if you must.

DP, but you seem to be projecting here as well. You have no way of knowing if participation in this sport is critical for her mental health. What if she doesn’t really love the sport, or get along with her teammates. We all can engage in speculation.

I don’t think I am projecting at all. She has been on the team for years and she is trying out this year again. Clearly this is important to her and an opportunity to be in an activity she enjoys with long time friends. It will help provide stability, exercise, support and a distraction during a devastating time.

Or maybe her parent keeps making her play year after year because it's their dream, not hers. Maybe she's uncoachable on purpose in the hopes she'll get cut.

[Anonymous]

Life isn’t a meritocracy. Let’s stop pretending that Daddy ball is either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:6th graders? I’ve yet to see a team at this age group- no matter how elite- that is entirely merit based. Ever. With teams this age, there are pretty much always some kids who are kept around for other reasons “they’ve always been on the team” “but her dad coaches!” “his older brother is a really good player…he will come around” “they are our neighbors!” “she’s short now but she’s going to be tall- look at her parents” “she’s best friends with my kid” etc etc etc

Cut the girl if you really want to, but FFS at least be honest with yourself. Kids this age get roster spots all.the.time. due to external factors. It is absolutely hilarious that anyone would pretend otherwise. As far as external factors go, the recent death of a parent seems as good as any other.

And yes- if it were me, I’d keep the girl on the team this year. Not even a question.

This is so true. Just pretend it’s because she’s your neighbor or your child’s best friend or the not nearly as talented twin of the best player or her Dad coaches a different sport and you want your daughter to also be on that team. Those connections get “uncoachable” kids on teams all the time.

This time there’s just no external benefit for you or your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Wow. We are talking about a young child who recently lost her mother. Middle school is hard enough as is, but to lose your mother, and be cut from a team you have played on for many years. Please, treat her as you would like your kid to be treated, and keep her on the team this year. You will never know, but it could make all the difference in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:6th graders? I’ve yet to see a team at this age group- no matter how elite- that is entirely merit based. Ever. With teams this age, there are pretty much always some kids who are kept around for other reasons “they’ve always been on the team” “but her dad coaches!” “his older brother is a really good player…he will come around” “they are our neighbors!” “she’s short now but she’s going to be tall- look at her parents” “she’s best friends with my kid” etc etc etc

Cut the girl if you really want to, but FFS at least be honest with yourself. Kids this age get roster spots all.the.time. due to external factors. It is absolutely hilarious that anyone would pretend otherwise. As far as external factors go, the recent death of a parent seems as good as any other.

And yes- if it were me, I’d keep the girl on the team this year. Not even a question.

That exists for sure. Especially at the C level (to use baseball or softball as an example).

But even in 6th grade, teams do exists that entirely based on merit (those are the A level baseball and softball teams). Which is why MS (or even 4th or 5th) you start to see paid coaches that do not have a child on the team. Those are entirely merit based.

OP's DH is in a pickle. sounds like he wants this to be one of those teams that are merit based, but historically, it sounds like its been more of a casual team

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be ok with the other kids “knowing why” she made the team. It’s a good lesson in empathy that some of the other adults on this site could learn from. No one will know which specific kid got cut because of this girl. Lots of girls won’t make it. They aren’t choosing a team of 10 girls out of 11 options.

It's a thin line between empathy and pity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. We are talking about a young child who recently lost her mother. Middle school is hard enough as is, but to lose your mother, and be cut from a team you have played on for many years. Please, treat her as you would like your kid to be treated, and keep her on the team this year. You will never know, but it could make all the difference in her life.

Or maybe she hates basketball and she can't believe she's being forced to play even when she's miserable about her mom. We don't know. The coach should talk to her. "You don't seem to be improving. Do you WANT to continue playing? Because if not, we can make you team manager, or I am happy to talk to your father for you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long ago did the parent die?? If it was over the summer, I'd say cut her. If it was within the month, keep her for one more season but make her the team manager or something random so an actual player can play.

So,
Summer ended like 2 weeks ago. So if her mom died suddenly 5 weeks ago, cut her, but not if she died suddenly 2 weeks ago. By 5 weeks, an 11 year old should have moved on.

This cannot be serious. It just can't. I refuse to believe it.